I am so glad that H and I are talking because that was something missing from our marriage. He is letting me in and he is letting his family in as well. Got up with him this morning and made coffee for us. Offered to make breakfast but he said no and that is because he has no appetite. One of the things he use to want me to do was get up with him on my days off and make coffee and breakfast because he saw my Mom do it for my Dad. Now I want to do it for him because I realize that it is the little things that you do for each other that count. He called me on the way to work and said he understood the reason for the NC rule because he saw the OW car on the way to work and she was on her way to work. He realizes for us to work on our marriage that he has to have NC with her. At least he called me and told me and now he has to go an alternate way to work. He also told me that he appreciates me and everything that I am doing because I am making him feel better about us and our marriage and feels like we have a chance. He thinks I am great about how I am handling everything and listening to him about EVERYTHING. And yes, he is listening to me too.

H is seeing a doctor for his depression and started on medication last week. It will take about 2 weeks for meds to kick in and I told him he will probably have to increase them. He wants to double it now and I told him no, wait until he talks to his therapist or doctor and to wait until they kick in first. Told him that they will probably wait until he is on the med for about a month before they increase it.

H said we didn't have any passion in our marriage and I told him that after the first few years the passions wanes and what you have built your relationship on is what counts. Also told him that except for a year or so that I have always felt passion for him and that I always wanted to be close to him physically, it was him that was that way. The reason I didn't feel that way for about a year was because we had just moved here and I was under a lot of stress and tired all the time. Once I went on zoloft I was better and a year later I was off of it.

H prays everyday about us and our marriage and about getting him through his depression. Told him that praying helped me a lot.

I think H is looking at me through new eyes and is looking at me differently. It really floored him that I took him back and never hated him. He told me that he is impressed with how I have handled everything and glad that I did all the research that I did because that is what is going to help us.

Still hoping and praying.

Do they work together?

No Cat, they don't work together. He got fired from his job because of her. They couldn't prove anything but they didn't want a lawsuit for sexual harrassment later on and since my H was in management they told him to either quit or get fired. He quit. So he didn't get fired but to me he did.

H came to the hospital yesterday and had lunch with and that was nice. The only other time he came to eat with me when it was a holiday and the girls were with him. This was the first time he ever came on his on and alone.

I am trying to take it slowly and to give time, time.

Still hoping and praying.

BS-me 44yrs
WH-him 47yrs
OW 26yrs with a 2 and 4yr old and still married
married 20yrs
together 21yrs
DD 22yrs
DD 19yrs
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
WH left 7/25/2009
WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009

Awesome Traci keep in touch.

Traci, don't expect a whole lot in return at first. You thought Plan A was tough? Recovery is a whole nother animal. Resist the urge to LB when you start to feel resentment rise up (and you will from time to time once the hysterical bonding is over).

Unfortunately, you'll have to lead the recovery for a SHORT while, but as long as you're sticking with the MB plans, and he is willing to be transparent, open and honest, you'll make it. Don't settle for less than what you need-- if that includes requiring attendance at an MB weekend, then go for it. I've never been but I hear it is the cement for a marriage in recovery.

(((Traci)))

Traci- I'm so happy for you. Your's is the first bit of good news I've heard in the new year, and I hope this is a good sign for you.
Please make sure you both schedule counseling with the Harleys, and maybe even swing a MB weekend. Those who have done it swear by it.
I know it's still early, but while he's still motivated by his actions, you want to keep things moving. Make sure the skank's number is blocked and emails and texts aren't getting through. She just lost her gravy train and she AIN'T gonna be happy about it one bit.
((((((((Traci))))))))

Tracy, I am very happy for the R of your M, however, I really have to say what I have been thinking for days now reading your posts.
I think OW dumped your H. If I read correctly only a few days ago he sold his truck then the camera you gave him and only a few weeks ago he was telling you he would never come back to the M.
I think OW just realized he was really a loser plus a depressed person. He might still be very much in love with her thus the doubts about the M. When he tell you: I am not sure you will be able to handle the R of the M he is really telling himself: I am not sure I will be able to handle the R of the M.
All I am saying... he turned around too quickly for the decision to be his....
blessing

Hi Pepper,
I am just stating my opinion and not saying that what I say is the truth, far from it I hope...but i wanted to share it because it is quite suspicious the quick way he came back..
As far as loser...well I did say that in previous posts as well and Tracy did not get mad. I will apologize to her if she feels I have to.
We are all here to support eachother,...not to bash eachothers' opinions
blessings

Atena,

I think this is going exactly according to script...

When both sides of Plan A are applied properly it makes returning to the marriage a better option than remaining in the affair. For the first time in a while the WS begins to make a decision based on what is right, what is logical and what is the best option of those presented to them. Until that time they have not been thinking at all but merely acting from feelings.

Some, usually men, will have a ONS or an affair for the single purpose of sex. For these people the feelings of love do not interfere with their thinking when they get caught. I think that Tiger falls into this category. Ending the affair is really a matter of will power for them and not much else.

But the vast majority of affairs happen when a person falls in love with someone else. Based on what Dr Harley has taught all along, the feeling of being in love is not some magical thing that negates falling in love with the BS or even precludes the possibility of the WS having actually held those same views and feelings for the BS at an earlier time.

When these affairs end it can be very difficult for the WS to reconnect to the BS at least at first. The affair which was really only a fantasy in the first place can linger in the mind of the WS for quite some time. The answer though is still the same, to do what will lead to the WS falling in love with the BS all over again.

If the WS does NOT have feelings for the affair partner, that is what would make them a player and would not make ending the affair so difficult. And THAT I think would make them a loser and not worth pursuing recovery with.

Traci's H's OW probably met some combination of ENs for him that caused those feelings to develop. Traci learning to meet those same needs will lead to him falling in love with her again and the fact that she was all along meeting other ENs of his will give her an advantage in the long run.

JMO.

Traci...



Now the hard part starts...

Mark

Traci, you're getting great advice here. Speaking as someone who had a false recovery, I will caution that this will be a bumpy ride, regardless. Just hang on and stay on course.

We are trying to make sure we are considerate of each others feelings but telling the truth about how we feel and what we want. I told husband that I want to know everything and not to hold anything back because I am expecting the worse. H text me again today to tell me haow much he appreciates me and everything I am doing. He also said that the way I have been acting has made it easier for him and that he is impressed with me. i guess he expected me to go off the deep end and rant and rave but I haven't. Reading SAA and coming here has prepared me somewhat. I am relieved that he is back but I am not happy yet and know that is going to take time. I am still apprehensive and rightly so. I am going into this with eyes wide open. I am on the offensive right now with my marriage and I am going to fight for it tooth and toenail. H constantly texts throughout the day to let me know he is okay and show appreciation for me and what he is doing. He actually called the unit to see if everything was ok because he had text me twice with no answer back.

I want everyone to know that I know that this is going to the hardest thing I have ever done and that it isn't going to be easy but it will be worth it in the long run. I will come here often for advice as well as going to IC and marriage counseling.

I know I have probably said this before but it is all the small things that you do for each other that count and not the big things. That is one of the reason's I haven't been on the computer too much and just spending time with him. right now he is on the phone with his sister.

Still hoping and praying.

Traci you are doing awesome. I'm so happy and proud of you. You learned well.

Your doin awesome traci

Glad you guys are seeking help from professionals.

Thank you Mark
I do not get your quote below
What you are saying here is that if H is in love with OW this does not prevent him to fall back in love with me? If that is the case I think the very fact that he is in love with her precludes all the possibilities of him falling back in love with me because he simply wants to be with her and not me. In plan B there is not way to meet H emotional needs and the OW meets most of them and in my case, H new friends meet the other needs OW does not meet. So he has not need for me.
In Tracy's case, if my theory is right, that is if OW left her H, her H now is faced with being homeless and with no money so that drives him back to be with Tracy and even if he is still in love with OW he will now put effort into falling back in love with W. He does not seem to be a loser, but again, my theory about OW leaving him might be wrong.
The thing that surprizes me is his willingness to open up and talk after all he put Tracy thru and after being so difficult ....in a way he looks pretty desperate to me.
blessing

Up this morning just to be with H and have coffee and talk. H does feel a little better but has a knot in his stomache still. He still has feelings for OW and thinks that this isn't fair to me and he is right but with time and didtance and hard work on our part it will fade and his feelings for me will get stronger. I know that he is still in a fog and it will take time for it to lift. It would be easier if OW had of kicked him out or if something had happened for him to return. But H returned because of the guilt and the stress. He told me if it was for all the outside forces that they could of made it. I told him that is the reason affairs don't last. OW supposedly couldn't stand the guilt either. She couldn't constantly have her children under her thumb when H was around and she gets them every other week. She also wanted to spend time with them at her H home during his week. I am betting money that she will get back with him. They are supposedly friends now. I am taking everything H is saying with a box of salt. I really think he believes everything he is saying and believes her too. I think when she gets back with her H this will open my H eyes. Even if she doesn't get back with her H she will bounce back a lot faster than my H.

Traci, when you mention IC adn MC, PLEASE don't just pick any old counselor. At the very least, start off with sessions with Dr. Harley. A lot of IC and MCs will focus on the past, and not the future. Digging through the past isn't going to help you NOW. Right NOW, you need to shore up your love for each other. That means ENs and avoiding LBs. It's really that simple. Going into a big soul searching isn't going to build love for each other. REALLY stay focused on those principles, then make sure you have a counselor who follows the same. Many marriages have failed because of a misguided MC or IC. Don't give them that power. MB is what got you through this--don't go elsewhere for your new journey.
(((Traci))))
I'm so happy for your and your husband's progress. I hope you M becomes stronger than ever before.

Thanks Pepper, this morning is rough. H thinks he needs to get passed his feelings for OW before he can work on us. He was checking up on me to see if I was ok. He is worried he is going to hurt me more. He says he loves me but not they way he should, a husband for his wife. He thinks that if he had the feelings for me that he should of that this would never of happened. Told him that even the strongest marriages can have an affair if given the right situation. He doesn't think that applies to him. I am not going to argue with him. I told him that it was going to be a long and narrow road to recovery and that I would not push him. I just love him and want this to work no matter how long it takes. Not long after I got off the phone with him I was on my knees and praying.

I am trying to meet H emotional needs. I am being affectionate to him without going overboard. I thank him for everything he does and tell him that I appreciate him doing the small things like communicating with me and fixing my leaking pipe that I could of done. I told him this morning thank you for picking up after himself and that I appreciated it. I am keeping the house picked up and clean because he likes that and with him helping, it is easier. I had the house kept clean and picked before he came back. At one time the house was so clean you could eat off of any surface. It was too clean. I am just so confused and I have a knot in my lower chest. I am also scared. I know that is normal. I just wish something would happen to open my H eyes. And yes, I know that it is going to take time. It doesn't help that H keeps saying what if it doesn't work out. I know that is the fog talking but it doesn't help either. I just need to take a deep breath and continue on.