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#2299734 01/06/10 04:11 AM
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I have been lurking here for over a week now and have followed a lot of threads. I was reluctant to register because my situation is a little different but I really need to be able to discuss this stuff with someone other than my wife.

My wife has had an emotional affair with two different men over the last 18 months. Neither affair ever became sexual. They consisted mainly of e-mails and she saw one of them on a work related trip.

I found out about the one with "Steven" because she was on the phone at work for over 3 hours one night. When she came home I asked her what the heck she was doing and she told me about the entire thing. I was dumbstruck. I sat up the entire night looking at our wedding pictures.

The next day I demanded she stop contact with him immediately and forever. She tried to put me off, saying she had to get ready for work and would do it later. I insisted. She sent an e-mail to a fake e-mail address and I thought it was settled at that point.

I installed a keylogger that day. That night I got her password and on a whim decided to enter her username and password into gmail to see if she had an account there. Motherlode. I read every conversation they had. He got romantic with her and insisted on meeting her. She said no several times but gave in before her trip to Philadelphia in November. One of the messages thanked him for the beer and said she enjoyed kissing him.

She had all ready disclosed the details but man it hurt to read that. She also was saying that she and her father were drawing up divorce papers and that our state was a no fault divorce state. (it isn't but she doesn't know that)

I foolishly told her I had his contact information and knew about her gmail account. I went off the deep end and threatened to ruin her career and her relationship with her family. After I dropped her off for work I went home and logged onto the computer. Sure enough she was chatting with him. She told him I had access to her e-mail and that they might have to stop talking because it could hurt her in the divorce. ("in a no fault divorce state")

I called her and asked rather sarcastically if I should start typing messages to him as well. I reiterated my threats and watched her tell him she had to break contact. She then hung up on me and as it turns out a fellow faculty member over heard the conversation and being a busy bodied old divorcee she immediately inserted herself into the situation and insisted that my wife go to her house and call her parents to tell them I was "threatening" her.

I called my wife between classes later that evening (she is a professor) to apologize and she told me she had spoken to her parents and asked them to "start thinking about lawyers."

I hung up and called my Mother in law to assure her that I would never intentionally hurt her daughter and that I had lost my cool in a very difficult situation. She seemed to understand.

















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When my wife got home that night I had a nice dinner waiting for her and asked her to let me speak for a while without interruption. She agreed and I told her how much she had hurt me and that I was sorry for losing my temper. She understood and we cried together for a while. She told me she never intended for it to become a romantic entanglement and that she would make sure there was no further contact. She also said she wasn't interested in him and that she was just looking for a "whiff" of romance.

I told her she would have to earn back my trust and demanded she smooth things over with her family. She agreed and called her parents the next day. She told them the entire story and said we were going to reconcile.

By Saturday I thought the situation was behind us. My wife had to attend graduation so I was surfing the net and drinking coffee. I opened her e-mail account on a whim and found a very sexual e-mail from a completely different man. The e-mail said "wow that scene was hot last night. I want your romance *******. I am going to think about that one in the shower tomorrow morning"


She had replied "I want you Frank."

"Frank" used to be married to Debbie. Debbie's sister Lisa was married to my wife's brother. He met her at her brother's wedding and had pursued her ever since.

I literally fell out of my chair. This was the love of my life. This was the woman I wanted to have children with. This was the only woman I had ever been with.

I got myself up and printed out the e-mail. When she walked in the door she called out to me and was very sweet but I was not in a generous mood. I casually asked her how Frank was doing and threw the e-mail down on the table in front of her.

Her first tactic was to attack me. She said it was very hard to respect me after my business went under in the summer/fall of 2008. She said after breaking contact with Steven that she compulsively contacted Frank and he immediately turned the conversation sexual. She said she stopped talking to him last February because she did not want to humor his desire for talking dirty.

I maintained my calm demeanor and said

"We are not doing this. You are helping some jerk off get his rocks off on the internet and KISSED another guy in Philadelphia. Can you please tae a moment to explain how in the hell this is about me? Are you just that good at mental gymnastics? Or are you just that sadistic?"

She tried to resume her attack and I said "Fine, let's get through the rest of teh school year as friends and I will make my departure this summer."

She looked thunderstruck after I said that. She knew I was serious. The idea that I might leave her really shook her up.

A few later she e-mail both guys in front of me and told them that any further contact was not apprpriate and that her marriage was too important to her to do any further damage.

She then gave me the passwords to all of her e-mail accounts and agreed that she had given up her right to be trusted for a long time. She told me she would rather die than go through life without me.

We agreed to postpone our trip to her parents house for Christmas a few days so we could get some things ironed out.

Her behavior since has been exemplary. We argued a lot and I realy laid on the guilt, but we also began to make love a lot more and when we were not arguing we were like a couple of newlyweds again.

Right after Christmas she had another work related trip. We went together to Pihiladelphia (ironically.) We argued most of the way there and she kept bringing up finances. I hit back with my nastiest thoughts on her dalliances.

That night in the hotel I stayed up late to check her laptop activity after she was asleep. I then decided to surf the web a bit and came across the MB website.

I devoured thread after thread and realized that my wife and I were not nearly as far gone as a lot of the couples on here. We talked over breakfast the next morning and I began making love deposits. After I kissed her good morning and smiled at me and suddenly began to cry. She apologized over and over again.

She told me she loved me dearly and was willing to do what ever it takes to win back my trust and make our marriage work. She explained that she was never interested in these guys, she said that the only reason these guys interested her at all is because they made her feel attractive. She said her secret internet world was a cheap thrill for her and was not worth the pain it caused me. She said she soothed her guilt by blaming my financial struggles.

She reminded me that before she went to Philadelphia the first time she had a terrible case of separation anxiety. At the time I chalked it up as travel jitters, but her sense of dread was her conscience.

We agreed that a couple of her friends are enablers and other than at work should be shut out socially. My WW's "friend" was with her in Philadelphia and told her that seeing this guy was fine, that "she deserved a little fun."

My wife went to her morning meeting and when she came back we had the "do not disturb" sign on our door the rest of the day. smile

I must admit I got a little guilty pleasure out of the fact that I spent an entire afternoon doing something that this other man could not even accomplish after shoving drink after drink at my wife for 6 hours.

We went back to Ohio and had a pretty uneventful rest of the vacation. I was depressed at times and she was really suffering from the guilt. Armed with the knowledge I got here I just kept making LD's in her bank.

After a week of steady deposits we are like a couple of teenagers. We drove home today and more than once we seriously considered pulling off and checking into a hotel.

I am constantly making deposits but remaining firm in my requirements. When the subject of the EA's comes up I make it clear that my requirements stand and then change the subject.

Things seem to be going well but I cannot shake the fear. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Tonight I peaked at her faculty e-mail account and someone had e-mailed her on Christmas eve to wish her a Merry Christmas. I think it was a former student but the thing that bothered me is that the person wished her and a male dean a merry christmas simultaneously in an e-mail addressed only to my wife. Here is the text from the e-mail:

May you have the best Christmas ever. May peace and happiness be with you always. Wishing you and Dr ******* a merry Christmas this holiday season and a happy New Year!
Ina (Jun)

Now my wife knows I have access to her e-mail account so if there was anything untoward she would have deleted it. She was extremely thorough in covering up her tracks before things were exposed so I think it is innocent but it does bother me.

I am reading into EVERYTHING right now. I saw on my keylogger that she said she and someone else were "ships passing in the night" and that a February trip to Tenn. sounded great.

I asked her about it and she showed me the e-mail. It turned out that she was talking to a female friend about a couples weekend for the four of us. If i had taken the time to check the e-mail I would have realized it was innocent and avoided a discussion about our marriage.

I am so paranoid, and each time I show my paranoia I make a withdrawal from her lovebank.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. Any insight or advice is most welcome and appreciated. It feels great to get soem of this out.


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The fact that you have been married just a bit over a year and she has already been involved in two separate emotional affairs with two other men is horrible. I am sorry to say this but there is something terrible wrong with your wife. She sounds like she has a broken moral compass. How do you think she would be acting if the roles had been reversed?

Bryanp #2299744 01/06/10 06:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Bryanp
The fact that you have been married just a bit over a year and she has already been involved in two separate emotional affairs with two other men is horrible. I am sorry to say this but there is something terrible wrong with your wife. She sounds like she has a broken moral compass. How do you think she would be acting if the roles had been reversed?


She would have divorced me. Period.

We lost a lot of wealth when my business died, it was tough on both of us. I chose less destructive ways to cope. She decided to hedge her bets.


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Bean-

Is your WW willing to write a NC letter with you to these OM? If she says she is willing to do whatever it takes to regain trust, I think this would have to be a requirement.

I am sorry you are here, but this site is the best place to be for folks in our situation. It has helped me a great deal.


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_SOL #2299811 01/06/10 09:29 AM
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The paranoia is going to last quite a while. It will get less as time goes on. One of the things that really really helped me was that my WW gave me the safety to bring up when I had triggers or suspicion etc.

I remember I hated bringing it up but if something was really bothering me I would. The triggers lasted quite a while and even to this day I may get one once in a great while and I still bring it up. Also the sorrow and conviction I feel from her goes a long way in healing.

You should be very careful if she's had 2 EA's in one year of marriage, those aren't good odds.


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BC,

Sorry that you are here. It's the best club around that we all wish we were not part of.

Just to clarify, your WW apparently had 1 EA and 1 PA. If she was kissing OM then that is a PA around these parts. Are you 100% sure that is the entire story? She was in another town with OM drinking for 6 hours and all that happened was a kiss? Sorry but I'm quite skeptical about that one.

Keep reading posts here. Keep making LB deposits. Fill out the EN Questionaires with your WW and learn what her top EN's are (yours as well). Strive to meet those EN's. It sounds like you have a good start on EP's (extraordinary precautions) which will prevent your WW from putting herself into a position to allow this to happen again. I would suggest that you ask her to put together a list of EP's for how she is going to protect the marriage from another intrusion.

You have lots of work to do. Keep reading here and learning. Your situation sounds very salvageable but your WW has some major behavior changes to make.

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Beancounter, your wife sounds very selfish to me. It seems that her only need and concern is for her desires. She seems incapable of buckling down and doing the work necessary to keep a marriage going when things get tough.

This is exactly how my WW behaved. As long as I was earning good money and was in good health, we had a terrific relationship. But I lost my job a year ago and suffered a debilitating back problem, which started her dissatisfaction. I found work (that paid better!) and started receiving treatment for my back (which I still receive, but the help it's given me has restored me to a good 95% of my previous activity level). She also lost her job, so with time on her hands and a OM who didn't have to face the day to day requirements of having to make a living for two, it was easy for her to get involved in FantasyAffairLand.

To complete this picture, she incapable of feeling remorse over her actions (read my thread - in my signature, if you want to see what I'm referring to) or seeing that her actions harm others - or to even care that she hurts others.

The point I'm trying to make is that some people are just emotionally broken, damaged or incomplete. Psychologists and psychiatrists refer to them as having "personality disorders." You might want to read some information on this site or this one to see if your wife fits one of the profiles.

I didn't want to think my sweet, loving, principled wife could be "damaged," but the more I researched, the more distressingly astounded I became. The amazing thing about MB is that people here are willing to help me recover! There may be some who think my WW is simply "in a fog" and can fully recover, but most I think, have come to believe that she is "the leopard who cannot change her spots" and that recovery in my case means getting her out and over as soon as possible.


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Short marriage, no kids. Thank GOD everyday the rest of your life you found this out early on. I know this is MB, but you need to consider plan D while she is still foggy. It sounds like a very risky situation going forward. DUDE

Dude007 #2299906 01/06/10 11:23 AM
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Thanks for the good advice guys. I will take it all into consideration.

I am 99.9 percent certain the PA did not go beyond kissing for a couple of reasons.

1. I saw the chat conversation they had when she got back. She thanked him for the drinks and said she enjoyed kissing him. She did not know I found her secret e-mail account at that time.

2. There was not much of an opportunity there. he lives in NYC and arrived and left via public transportation. She was staying in a hotel room with a woman she works with so her room was not available.

3. My wife is very self centered and can be very cruel at times, but when she is caught in a lie she comes completely clean. That has been her pattern since we met in 1996.

We had a very long engagement because she was so self absorbed. I thought she had outgrown it when we finally got married, but clearly she has not.

She did send each man an e-mail in front of me telling them that contact between them is no longer acceptable. I had both of their e-mail addresses in my files so I know she sent them to the right places.

We have agreed to NC and I have access to everything except her office computer. I have key loggers on both home computers and check them daily. She knows I have her passwords because she gave them to me, but she does not know about the keylogger.

My plan is this:
I am giving her 6 months. I finish my accounting degree in May and will be able a lot more mobile job and employment wise. At that point if things have not changed dramatically I will move into plan B and then D.

Her behavior has been exemplary so far but I am not going to be lulled into letting my guard down. She will not be traveling alone either.

One good thing I suppose is that I know now that the emotional cruelty had nothing to do with me. She was always trying to justify her dalliances by blaming me. The pattern was that whenever the contact was ongoing she would verbally beat me up and tell my she was going to divorce me because of the financial situation.

That does not work on me anymore. Period.

I think I am also going to tell her to delete her face book account after reading the thread about it here. I also will not tolerate her poisoning the water with people in regards to me. She did that with her family for years and with her ex friends.

Overall she is genuinely sorry and admits that what she did was terribly wrong and extremely selfish. She says she is willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. She told me she would rather die than live life without me.

I am in wait and see mode. I all ready told her that I see better than I hear.

Any further advice or comments are welcome. I am going to read up on the personality disorder thing. If she has one that is probably something we can get her some help with.








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Just stay strong my friend. Don't let her think you are too much of a nice guy and she can walk all over you. That abuse is something you can not handle...DUDE

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I think you should require her to go to HER family, WITH you, and apologize for everything she's ever said about you. While she's in the mood, you know.

fwiw, Houston was just about the least hard hit city in America during the recession; it still has dozens of job openings for every one in most other cities. Consider relocating here. Average temp this week: 50-80. $200,000 gets you a 3000-sq-ft brick house. Aerospace industry. One of the biggest medical communities in the world (and we all know how much THEY use accountants!). And the oil & gas capital of the world. Just sayin'...

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What about Dallas/Fort Worth? We have all that plus THE COWBOYS, BABY!!!!!!!!! DUDE

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I grew up in El Paso. I have been to DFW and Houston many times. I am from Cincinnati originally and am a Bengals fan so I am glutton for punishment in so many ways. frown

I may have her do the apology thing with her family. I feel so powerless when we go there. She knows it and uses it against me.

I did a little research and it does seem like she may have a mild borderline personality disorder. It might just be time to update my list of conditions to include therapy. Her brother is almost maniacal at times so it might run in the family.


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Originally Posted by BeanCounter2
I grew up in El Paso. I have been to DFW and Houston many times. I am from Cincinnati originally and am a Bengals fan so I am glutton for punishment in so many ways. frown

I may have her do the apology thing with her family. I feel so powerless when we go there. She knows it and uses it against me.

I did a little research and it does seem like she may have a mild borderline personality disorder. It might just be time to update my list of conditions to include therapy. Her brother is almost maniacal at times so it might run in the family.

Not to miminize what you are going through, but your Bengals may be in for a quick exit from the playoffs this weekend. They looked horrible against the Jets. I do like Ced Benson though. Of course, we all know what school he came out of...DUDE

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BC,

You seem to have a reasonable and well thought out plan. Please read up on EP's and ask her to put together her own list that you can review.

Also, if you are going to give her six months to improve then no matter what....under any circumstances...do not allow her to get pregnant!!! Plenty of women have used this tool to keep a husband around. You should not consider allowing her to be in control of the birth control situation while you are in this evaluation period. The last thing that you want to do is bring a child into this situation until you have a recovered marriage and are committed to staying together for the long haul.

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"My wife is very self centered and can be very cruel at times, but when she is caught in a lie she comes completely clean. That has been her pattern since we met in 1996.

We had a very long engagement because she was so self absorbed. I thought she had outgrown it when we finally got married, but clearly she has not."

You have married someone that clearly thinks she is a trophy wife. Rules do not apply to her. Divorce her because you are young and I don't want to see you here years from now when there have been three more OM.

I have seen this happen too many times. Get out while the gettings good.

Dude007 #2299982 01/06/10 12:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Dude007
Originally Posted by BeanCounter2
I grew up in El Paso. I have been to DFW and Houston many times. I am from Cincinnati originally and am a Bengals fan so I am glutton for punishment in so many ways. frown

I may have her do the apology thing with her family. I feel so powerless when we go there. She knows it and uses it against me.

I did a little research and it does seem like she may have a mild borderline personality disorder. It might just be time to update my list of conditions to include therapy. Her brother is almost maniacal at times so it might run in the family.

Not to miminize what you are going through, but your Bengals may be in for a quick exit from the playoffs this weekend. They looked horrible against the Jets. I do like Ced Benson though. Of course, we all know what school he came out of...DUDE

Hehe I always have time to talk football. It keeps me sane.

The Jets don't scare me too much. They hammered a very vanilla game plan on Sunday. I don't recall a single blitz. They beat the Stealers twice this season so anything else is gravy either way.


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TheRoad #2299984 01/06/10 12:38 PM
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Gawd, Get out now!

TheRoad #2299990 01/06/10 12:41 PM
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Originally Posted by TheRoad
"My wife is very self centered and can be very cruel at times, but when she is caught in a lie she comes completely clean. That has been her pattern since we met in 1996.

We had a very long engagement because she was so self absorbed. I thought she had outgrown it when we finally got married, but clearly she has not."

You have married someone that clearly thinks she is a trophy wife. Rules do not apply to her. Divorce her because you are young and I don't want to see you here years from now when there have been three more OM.

I have seen this happen too many times. Get out while the gettings good.

If only it were that simple. I love my wife deeply and profoundly. It would be so much easier if I could shut that off and just make a rational decision and live with it.

I am also a catholic which complicates the whole divorce issue a lot.


BH 35
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Found out about EA 12/5/2009
Absolute NC 12/10
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