Any chance you can call MB counselors?

I think they would suit your needs, quite nicely.

He doesn't get over OW by being alone. He gets over it by being with you and falling in love again. Sure, he has withdrawl, but he can't completely detach or you can't be the one filling his LBank.

Pepper has a good point.

Also think your doin great Traci and your insight is good about what will happen.

Husband might need you to be OK for Him to be OK ATM.

I know if I had fallen into such a pit I would need some help climbing out. Just let him do the climbing and you just lend a hand. If you don't let him find his footing he might not see that he is climbing out of a pit. A pit that was hurting everything he loves.

You can't carry him out but you can show him the hand and foot-holds to find his way.

H has been joking a little today and he was smiling and laughing some too. That is a first since he has been back. Went to lunch with both daughters and he was looking forward to it. I am hoping to go to one of Dr. Harley's seminars in a few months but have to come up with the money for it and the plane tickets. I think H would agree to go if it would help. Wondering if I should allow him to read SAA and if it would help him to read it.

I know things will eventually get better because when this all started I never thought I would have been where I was at before he even returned

Traci, are you guys spending at least 20-30 hours a week giving each other your undivided attention?

Seriously, living the Rule of Time, in combination with learning to not engage in Love Busters and meeting ENs even a little bit goes a very, very long way.

I want to surprise my wife with tickets to a MarriageBuilders conference as an "I love you" gift this spring after we get our tax return. She really wants to attend one. We have more than enough miles on our card to cover plane, hotel, and car, so it would basically be just the cost of the conference and meals that we'd need to worry about.

So back to you, Traci_S... how are you guys doing on Undivided Attention? Have you been keeping track to make sure you never fall below 15 hours, and easily reach 20+?

Hi Tracy,
I just wanted to share a few things with you. I went thru a R with my H after his first A, 5 years ago.
We never did counseling as he did not want to. I am glad you are planning on it but it is especially important for your H to be in IC right now. He can't work on the M till he has dealt with his own issues.
You are trying to meet his EN and you are probably feeling a lot of resentement and anger towards him, I know that because I have been thru it (twice now.... only now we are separated) and the resentement you have, if you stuff it up and play nice with him, is going to come out eventually and ruin your M later on.
Your H needs to want to do the necessary work to R the M. He seems willing to, of course he is confused and has feeling for OW but that takes some time.
What my H told me while we were R from his first A is that my affection and my attention were too much for him and that instead of making me look appealing to him they made me look more like a mom than a wife. So be careful there.
You too need to find support and do some IC or other just to keep your sanity. I believe this is about taking care of YOU more than taking care of your H. He will have to go thru his internal stuff on his own.
He messed up. If he really wants to save this M he has to do some work as well. Your job is to make sure he follows thru on his williness to make M work. Otherwise, trust me, it will last for a while and he will probably cheat again. Mine did.
You can be there for him and supportive, but you do not have to be a puppy dog catering to his every need for the fear of loss. This will make you unappealing.
Fear will not take you far.
Tell yourself that it is what it is. Spend time with him but do not expect anything at all from him now. If he really wants to recover he will have to work out his doubts so it is useless for him to say: what if it does not work out?
That again is acting out of fear.
It will take time for you to overcome all the pain and resentement you are stuffing in right now.
I can relate because after H first A, I can say I never had a relaxed moment since and that has been for the past 5 years!!
I had to walk on eggshells for 5 years and you know what...? At the end he had his second A and told me that after his first A he was never able to truly re-build love for me. He faked it as much as he could, but was never truly in love again with me.
I am not sure he was telling the truth since that is fog talk, however, please take care of yourself. The M is important but it is also important to be able to lead a happy, relaxed life with a person who deserves us.
Take care of yourself. YOu are trying to give at a time where you are actually craving a lot of attention and affection yourself. You have been deprived of love for a while and you have been rejected in favor of OW. These feelings are in you so please respect them, let them be and do not suppress them.
blessing

Traci, I said it once before, but I think we cross-posted, so you might not have seen it. After reading Atena's post, though, I wanted to say it again.
Be VERY CAREFUL about your selection of MC and ICs. They MUST be counselors who take the MB approach--which is NOT the traditional approach. Read this to mean that 80 percent or more of counselors do more harm than good. Strongly suggest phone counseling with the Harleys at this point. It's worth the $$, I promise you.
And it's A LOT cheaper than a divorce.

Finally got back today. Had a migraine from heck today, the one where you hug the toilet bowel a few times. Finally was able to get something down and take pain medication. Still have a small lingering headache but over the worse of it. H called a few times to check up on me. Enough that DD 22 complained about the phone ringing.

H asked me to ask my therapist to recommend someone for him to see. He has nothing against my therapist but he feels that she might be a little bit prejudice against him. I understand and I will get her to recommend someone like her. She never judged my H or made any ugly remarks about him. She concentrated on me and my thoughts and feelings about everything including my marriage. She is real good and knows about Dr.Harley and his methods and thinks he is good. H wants to go to counseling on his own for a while then we will go together and I think he is at least open to going to Dr.Harley's weekend seminar or doing it at home and on-line. H seems a little bit more relaxed and is definitely starting to smile more and picking at me like he use to.

I am showing H affection without going overboard and the same with appreciation and admiration. We are definitely communicating more and that is helping a lot especially for him.

Still hoping and praying.

Hello! Hope you are doing well.

I encourage you to look into MC and IC, but there is no reason to rush this. I have read that it may take time to "de fog" and get into a positive therapy mindset. (for your WH)

As long as you are reading, learning and having positive interacions with your H.. you are on the right track.

Good to see ya Traci
Sounds like you are doing he right things and I am glad that you guys see the need for professional help.
I really really like two of the things Dr. Harley teaches which gives me hope in what I would have allways wanted in my relationships.
The policy of Radical Honesty and..
The Policy of enthusiastic agreement.

If I had any relationship I would hope that those two things were present and formost in it. To me, the person I trust the most with my life would be who I really wanted to share those values with.

The great thing about it is, you don't have to agree on everything you try but you can be enthusiastic about trying something new.

If you are totally honest it means you will put thought into something before you agree to it and then you are forced to be introspective as well as reasonable with your spouse.

I will be looking foward to hearing how you guys are doing.

God Bless

Boy, when they say recovery isn't for wimps they mean it. I have on a rollercoaster since H came back. I worry because he says what if we try and it doesn't work out. He is worried about how I am going to respond. I don't know how I am going to respond but I am going to fight for my marriage and I told him that. He feels he has to get over his feelings for OW before he can really work on our marriage. Any advice on that. Right now he is reading SAA and he says he says Jon and Sue mirror us. I think he is geeing the picture on how he looked. I know he is starting to understand more and more. I didn't make him read the book he wanted to read it.

His family is so happy he has returned and his brother that was so supportive of me said that if OW was a man that he would come here and kick her a$$. And the thing is he would. I don't know what H actually said to his brother and I wonder if he told him more than he told me about their breakup. Probably did or maybe we heard the same thing but differently.

H is getting it about one's EN and I am hoping once he gets through with the book that we can start on that next. He realizes we were not meeting each other's EN. He knows that the book is not a magic bullet and that once he is through with it he will feel ok and we can work on our marriage but at least he is trying and wants to work on our marriage together. I have hope for the future but I am not going to be naive about anything again.

Still hoping and praying.

BW-me 44yrs
WH-him 47yrs
OW 26yrs with a 2 and 4 yrs old and still married
married 20yrs
together 21yrs
DD 22yrs
DD 19yrs
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
WH left 7/25/2009
WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009

Sounds like he is slowly moving in the right direction. Hang in there. DUDE

He needs to see that his feelings for the OW are an enemy of your marriage. This will take some time. I am sure that he cares for her and doesn't want to hurt her but he needs to see that he already has and the best way he can help her now is to be gone from her life and tell her to find someone new.
Being her hero was probably one of the attractions to this affair. It will be hard for awhile for him to see that he can be your hero and that you will be a willing and grateful damsel in distress. (metaphors sorry).
He sounds truly sorry and he will take some time until he can let himself off the hook. Make sure that he sees both how bad this was and how lucky he is that its over. Someone said he needs to do the heavy lifting here. right now he is in weight training as long as he is listening to the harleys.

Hang in thier for the emotional rollercoaster WEEEE

.

Traci,
Have you given this article to your H. Harley wrote it to a WW but it's good for any wayward. During withdrawal Harley mentions going on vacation. Don't know if that will help you and WH but maybe it's worth a try.

Harley response to wayward

Recovery is not a smooth ride for sure. I consider my M recovered but there is always something that comes up. My FWH mentioned today he wants to join a gym. Three years ago he met OW at a gym. We live in a different town now and I don't know if it's a good idea. I guess I'm triggering. We never really POJA him going to any gym.

Gg

During this time of rediscovery between H and myself I have found out that even though H has friends he doesn't have any close friends he could hang out with or really talk to. I have been encouraging him to get closer to the friends he does have(male friends), so he has someone to hang out with from time to time when I work on the weekends and he doesn't get bored and lonely. That is another one of his problems and that kind of goes hand in hand with his social anxiety.

Husband is still reading SaA and learning more and more. He talks to me about what he reads what he is learning and that gives me hope and it is giving him hope for us too. He told me that he use to be worried about me hanging on to the hope he was coming back becasue of all the research I was doing on affairs and now he is glad that I have done it because it is now helping us.

Every night when we go to bed I always tell him good night and sweet dreams and touch him affectionately. Last night he did it to me before I could do it to him and that is a first since he has come back. It made me feel good that he did this.

Still hoping and praying.

Hi Traci,

You are doing awesome. How do YOU feel? I remember when I was at this point it was all about the wayward and I just want to make sure you are doing ok.

Hopefull these friends are supportive of marriage and what it takes to health and create a new marriage. I realize that you can't pick your H's friends, but please just be aware of who he is hanging around and if he acts differently when he is with them.

My H read the book in the beginning. He went through very many of the same thoughts and emotions. I remember thinking that the book was a way for my thoughts to be expressed without me doing it and that it helped explain what was happening without it being me. At one point I got an email from my H telling me he didn't think this would EVER be happening and that he didn't know how I stayed the course for so long, but THANK YOU. You are doing GREAT.....

BABY STEPS... I found those to be the most pure.

You and I can't TRULY understand what they are feeling and thinking or comprehend what their choices have done to them. Mimi, my mentor drove home in me that they were damaged and needed to just be treated gentle. Their fog comes and goes for sure and even a year later I can sometimes see the fog. Their persons are harmed and what I continually did was ask G-d to help me speak the words that HE wanted me to speak. To show me how I could be a of service to HIM and help bring his child back to his fold and to simply just be there and be still.

For as much as we have been. What surprised me was how damaged and insecure and unsure of life they are. We get to be that Proverbs 31 woman, love on them, but let them walk through what they need to walk through.

Does that make sense?

I am doing ok right now, actually I am doing better than my H is. He went to a friend's surprise birthday party last night without me because he would feel uncomfortable with me there because they were the same people that were at his party and he felt like they would judge him. Guess what, he got in trouble for not bringing me there! Everyone there was glad we were back together. He didn't stay out late or real long. H said from now on we would go together. What his friends said made him feel better and they are supportive of us. This made me feel good.

Still hoping and praying.