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Cutting off contact and finding another job is a condition to saving your marriage.

Have you confronted OM? You need to contact him and tell him to remove your wife from his page.

This constant disrespect will eat at you and destroy you and get you to hate your wife eventually if it isn't corrected.

Your kids know the truth now, which is very important.

But this contact on Facebook has to stop and all contact has to cease. Until you have someone who is willing to accept the enormity of what she's done, you need to be prepared for hardball.

What state do you live in? You may be lucky enough to be able to sue for Alienation of affection against OM.

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jcb Offline OP
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Florida..no alienation of affection..here it would be Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress....OM is broke, so it would be vindictive only, and if I'm just going for revenge, I can think of better ways.




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Life as you knew it is gone and the hollow feeling is indescribable. Only you can decide what you want but know that everything you have described is still typical A fallout and recovery is possible.

Originally Posted by jcb
I think the only reason it stopped is because he found a girlfriend, not because my wife loved me....

Again...very typical. I know that doesn't mean much when you are living in your own personal hell at the moment, but WWs' As typically end because they are dumped by OM. You do not have decide anything today jcb. Your feelings with change daily, hourly, every 2 minutes...yeah for the rollercoaster. banghead If R is still on the table, your WW must find other employment or you will be spinning your wheels.

Last edited by black_raven; 01/06/10 09:50 AM.

BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by jcb
says it's over, has been over for months...that the OM was "deeply in love with his girlfriend"....
This is probably a lie, have exposed to OM's GF?

Originally Posted by jcb
refuses to quit her job saying she really likes it there, won't remove him as a facebook friend because everyone at work are each others friends, so it would look odd...
Call or write that letter to H.R.
They are still having, or she is hoping to continue/restart the affair.

Originally Posted by jcb
says she wants everything to work...she will never hurt me again...
Translation = I will say anything I can to get you to stop exposing my affair, becouse if you don't stop exposing I wont be able to continue it. So please stop exposure.

Originally Posted by jcb
If you remember my comments about our therapist believing her denials, she says she told the therapist up front that she had an affair, and that is was decision to not tell me
Typical of most divorce....er I mean marriage counselors.

Originally Posted by jcb
for fear of my "mental condition"...they were supposed to tell me together, but we stopped going...
What is your "Mental Condition?"

I would call the theropist and ask how this was supposed to help you, your wife, or your marriage!

Originally Posted by jcb
Further exposure at this point seems unnecessary...
Popycock
Her employer needs to know so they can avoid a possible sexual harrasment suite.
The OM's GF needs to know so she can make a decision on weather or not she want's to date such lo life scum.

Originally Posted by jcb
not sure what I gain.
Sometimes it's not about you.
See Girl Freind and employer above


Originally Posted by jcb
My wife of 17 years, my friend, mother of my kids, had sex over and over with a man 10 years younger than me who can't even pay his phone bill.
Sounds like a typical OM to me

Originally Posted by jcb
...who she loved more than me....
Thats not love.

It sucks to be here, but stop beating yourself up. Divorce, or don't.
Either way, work on fixing you, becouse you deserve it.


Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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Did she confess to her daughter, who told you that you were lying?

You still need to:
(1)Contact their HR department and ask that they be separated at work at least, and he fired at best. Tell them you will be looking into legal action for them allowing it to happen on work hours. There's a letter around here somewhere you can use to expose to work. If you don't expose at work and somehow get them separated, she will NEVER stop pining for him and turn her focus back to you.
(2) Get her to write a No Contact letter to him so that she emotionally divests of him. In it, she needs to reaffirm her intention to save her marriage.
(3) Continue to tell everyone, just in case.
(4) Schedule an hour with the Harleys, half for you and half for her. She needs to hear this stuff from an expert.
(5) Get her to agree to Extraordinary Precautions - give you all her passwords, agree to a GPS in her car, promise not to go anywhere without letting you know where she is.
(6) Sit down with your kids AND your wife, and talk about what happened.
(7) Go to her parents together and tell them what happened.

If you do these things, you have a good chance of getting your old marriage back...or an even better one.

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JB, Please go read SexyMamaBear's thread: "OW never had my husband."

Your wife is an alien. And all that OM has of what was your wife is this shell of an alien. He'll never have YOUR wife.

As Mark said, you can always make the decision to divorce at any time during this journey. But you are at a point now where you can make a decision to continue to try to recover your marriage.

But YOU have to do all the heavy lifting now. Please consider that your wife has been kidnapped by aliens and you are trying to get her back.

Are you up to the task?

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jcb, do you want to save your marriage? If you do, let me know and we will help you. It can be saved, but you cannot surrender before the battle pre-emptively. There is no easier, softer way to recoup from an affair.

You have won half of the battle and are already talking about surrender, friend. If you want to win your marriage and your children's security, you can't stop now. You have to continue until this affair is slayed.

You will not have a marriage if your wife continues to work with the OM and continues to see him on facebook, period. Ask yourself if you can possibly heal from this watching your wife go off to see her OM every day? No, you can't. Nor will the affair ever end this way. Every day your wife sees her OM, she is triggered. She will stay in a state of perpetual withdrawal that will prevent your marriage from EVER recovering.

My friend, you are at a fork in the road, like Mark says, and you can choose a pre-emtptive surrender and likely lose your marriage, or you can stay on this path and win. It might seem EASY now to surrender and temporarily avoid conflict, but you will be buying enormous conflict in the future. And so will be inflicting it on your children too.

Can you manage a little short term pain for some long term gain or are you going to opt for some short term pain and some long term pain? The choice is yours.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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p.s. not that it matters, but how do you know that the OM has a girlfriend and is "in love" with her? Is that a story conconcted by a dishonest wayward wife to throw you off her scent?

How can you take the word of a liar?

The fact that your wife places her job over her marriage indicates to me that there is much more going on in this affair than is being said. A truly remorseful WW would not want to be around her OM because she knows it triggers her. But one who was still in an affair, or hoping for resumption, WOULD.

Have you actually spoken to this "girlfriend?"


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by jcb
I thought all I needed to hear was an admission and apology, which is what I got...now I feel completely hollow, she still works there, still sees him and honestly thinks that's ok. Further exposure at this point seems unnecessary...not sure what I gain.

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
"If the unfaithful spouse is offended by being exposed, so be it. Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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There is a girlfriend, she's all over the OM's facebook and some chats from him to my wife reference how happy he is and the Oct. email references their happiness as well. I think my wife is more obsessed with him than vice versa.

Out of curiosity..is my wife insane or are these typical things a wayward does? It doesn't seem logical that she wouldn't quit her job, we don't need the income, she got the job for the insurance. The facebook thing seems so small, why not throw me a bone? Are her denials up to last night typical...what about the anger? Telling me she can't keep doing this to the kids (the arguing and crying)

Is it possible she lied about telling the therapist everything? I'm confronting him tomorrow at noon to see what his deal is.

At this point, if I decide to try and make it work, how do I go 180 degrees with (theroretically) no further provocation, and go from saying I would try to make it work and that I forgave her (which I said...) to telling everyone, sending letters, etc. I am falling right in to her statements that I'm unstable, and am letting this eat me up when it's over......







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Yes, everything so far is typical. WSs are insane creatures that can't see straight. Do not try to apply logic.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I know it's impossible to say (so why am I asking, right haha) but if I were to follow everything including the full exposure, realistically are my chances better than 50/50 my marriage can be saved?

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Originally Posted by jcb
Out of curiosity..is my wife insane or are these typical things a wayward does?
You have been told atleast 100 times in this very thread that all this is typical for a WW.

Originally Posted by jcb
Is it possible she lied about telling the therapist everything?
YES!

Figuring out when a WW wife is lying is simple....
If they are talking, they are lying.

If she tells you the sky is blue don't belive it, look for yourself. Then if you also see a blue sky, find a completly unrealated party to look for you to make sure your wife was not tricking you into seeing a blue sky. Then if that second party says the sky is blue then a third party to confirm the second's observations. If all agree the sky is blue, then you can be reasonably sure it is.

I'm seriouse!

Last edited by Gack1; 01/06/10 10:31 AM.

Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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jcb...you aren't unstable, she is. Remember that. Most of what a wayward says is total projection...makes sense when you flip it over. Don't educate her on her own projection...just know and don't buy into the fog, 'k?

Stay steady and strong...we've been there...stop using up brain cell time on her "whys"...why wouldn't she quit her job, remove him from FB, etc.

Don't go there. Circular logic won't save your marriage. Facts will...and staying in reality helps your DDs as well as yourself...you're showing them how to act in the face of disaster, adversity. Big part of love.

LA

PS...If you're going to choose your goal based on the likely outcome, then stop. Rethink. Choosing your actions based on possible response is crazy-making. We don't control outcomes...so basing our choices on possible ones isn't reasonable.

Choose to save your marriage based on your goal of being able to look your two DDs in the eye in five years, no matter what the outcome was, and be able to honestly say you did everything you could to keep their family intact and recover your marriage.

Last edited by LovingAnyway; 01/06/10 10:30 AM. Reason: added PS
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Yes. The exposure will help her achieve humility. Something she sorely needs right now. She has to psychologically 'see' the devastation she has caused, in order to be afraid to do it again.

If your son steals a candy bar, and you find out later, and you say 'that's ok, son, just don't do it again,' what will happen? He'll decide it must not have been that big a deal, and will continue to steal.

If he steals, and you take him back to the store, make him apologize to the store owner, and make him work sweeping floors for 2 hours to pay for the candy bar, do you think he'll steal again? Not likely.

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Originally Posted by jcb
I know it's impossible to say (so why am I asking, right haha) but if I were to follow everything including the full exposure, realistically are my chances better than 50/50 my marriage can be saved?
About that, depends on you and your wife.
(Typical national average is 30%, better ods here using MB plans)

But you have a 100% chance of divorce if you don't kill the affair.


Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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Originally Posted by jcb
Out of curiosity..is my wife insane or are these typical things a wayward does? It doesn't seem logical that she wouldn't quit her job, we don't need the income, she got the job for the insurance. The facebook thing seems so small, why not throw me a bone? Are her denials up to last night typical...what about the anger? Telling me she can't keep doing this to the kids (the arguing and crying)

Your wife is addicted to the OM. She is not insane, she has an addiction. That is why she has to leave the job. Her staying there is like believing an alcholic can "recover" by going to the bar every day and having drinks but changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks." She is in a state of perpetual withdrawal. And it would not surprise me if she still has relations with him while at work.

Quote
At this point, if I decide to try and make it work, how do I go 180 degrees with (theroretically) no further provocation, and go from saying I would try to make it work and that I forgave her (which I said...) to telling everyone, sending letters, etc. I am falling right in to her statements that I'm unstable, and am letting this eat me up when it's over......

You stop worrying about what an insane person says to you and do the right thing for your marriage. If a falling down drunk accuses you of being "controlling" for taking away the car keys do you allow her to keep the keys? Of course not.

And you are crazy for thinking it is "unstable" for letting this eat you up. This is the worst thing that can happen to someone. Adultery is as traumatic as physical assault, the death of a child or RAPE. Not only have you been assualted in the worst possible way but your wife continues the assault by seeing her lover every day. That is CRUEL and unusual punishment. It will EAT YOU UP EVERY DAY until that changes. EVERY DAY. Do you understand, jcb?

You already know this is true. It eats you up every time she goes on FB and sees that [censored]. It eats you up every day she sees him at work. How in the world do you imagine a marriage could possibly recover under those conditions? THAT very notion is insane.

Now, do you want to save this marriage or not? Because if you stop now, before these issues are resolved, all f your efforts in the past few days will be for naught.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I swear Mel has waaaaaaaay more patience than I.

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Originally Posted by jcb
I know it's impossible to say (so why am I asking, right haha) but if I were to follow everything including the full exposure, realistically are my chances better than 50/50 my marriage can be saved?

If you don't, your odds of divorce are astronomical. At best, your marriage will struggle along while your wife stays triggered with infatuation for the OM until she either resumes her affair or finds another lover. If you don't recover from this in the right way, you are looking at more of the same in your future. Many of us here have saved our marriages using these techniques and Dr Harley, who has treated thousands of such cases over the years says:

" In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. "


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I have a business trip this weekend I cannot miss. Want to hear what the therapist says first..if I expose on Thursday, I won't be in town Friday-Sunday....is this a good idea?

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