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jcb, I am going to have to disagree with xring here, a nuclear exposure is what is warranted in order to get her out of there. You don't bring a pea shooter to a gun fight.

An exposure needs to be nuclear in order to be effective usually, and you have already seen that just doing a little will not do the trick. Your plan is sound. When you do the workplace exposure, it needs to be done to the HR Director and both their supervisors. Additionally, exposing on the OM's facebook is an exceptional exposure that puts enormous pressure on the OM. Everyone needs to know how he operates at work.

So, please stick to your plan, it is a good one.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by xring
You and Melodylane posted while I was writing my prior post.

When you talk to her tonight, if she is "so sorry" for the hurt, try to explain that everyday she is at work with OM she is continuing to hurt you. Put the monkey on her back and ask her what her response would be. She appears to be in a vulnerable position right now, so exploit that for you benefit and help her to reach the right decision. Don't demand it though, you apparently know that that approach won't work.

xring, he already has done this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by jcb
I am going to VERY nicely tell her how much working there bothers me, I'm not even going to ask her to quit much less tell her. If she is truly remorseful she'll quit....

If she quits, the excuse for having him on facebook evaporates...

Don't think she'll do it though.

jcb, you must ASK HER to quit the job. You must tell her under what conditions you are willing to stay and work on the marriage. So stop this. You are going BACKWARDS here. Sitting around waiting for her to magically realize the error of her ways is a fools mission. You must ASK her to quit and to delete the facebook.

This is no time to beat around the bush, jcb.

Ask her to quit her job and to DELETE her facebook.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Still sticking to my plan, assuming she doesn't capitulate (!) tonight.

I will ask her to quit.

The hardest person to contact is going to be the OM, he probably won't take my call, no longer accepts blocked calls, and runs when he sees me...I may have to just be content with emailing all his facebook contacts.

Last edited by jcb; 01/06/10 05:13 PM. Reason: correction
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You have to be honest and forthright here. You cannot wait for a fogged out WAYWARD to get it. Be a broken record, jcb:

"in order for our marriage to recover, you will have to quit that job and end all contact with your lover."

Then hand her this letter and ask her to send it to her lover.

[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX


Barnboy gave you an excellent plan for recovery, so please bookmark his post.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yeah. Sit down on Facebook really soon and write down the user IDs of all of OM's facebook friends and all of WW's facebook friends. Chances are good that once you start exposing, they're going to block you... but at least you'll have your printed list of IDs!

And they look like random numbers to any outside observer. But you just copy and paste them onto Facebook URLs (be aware, it limits how many you're allowed to email in a day, so plan to expose to the most important targets first). The URL is of the format:

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=[[long number]]

Most people haven't blocked strangers from seeing their profile (we have!) so you should be able to mail them to their Facebook inboxes even if you aren't their "friends".


Doormat_No_More
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4 months after D-Day
1 year after D-Day
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almost all of his friends have their actual email addresses listed, and I've written all of them down.


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Barnboy,

I just read your signature line, "Plan Doormat", haha, I thought I was the only one!

I could start a marriage builders forum, Plan Doormat in 10 easy steps!


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Dear friend of Joe Scumbag,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, jcb


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by jcb
Barnboy,

I just read your signature line, "Plan Doormat", haha, I thought I was the only one!

I could start a marriage builders forum, Plan Doormat in 10 easy steps!

I don't think you can claim that title anymore, friend! You have been very brave throughout this whole thing and HAVE NOT FLINCHED!! clap


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Perfect letter, Melody. I will use it!

Thank You!

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ok, maybe a little flinching, but you quickly got over it and got right back to work! smile


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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My plan after exposure, is to be sitting at the kitchen table with my 2 daughters when my wife comes home, and having us all tell her how much our family means to us, how she has to end this once and for all, and this was the only way to make sure it's over.

Then prepare for the ranting and raving......

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Your W doesn't need 2 quit IF the OM quits instead! (or one of them gets fired).

You don't need 2 confront the OM. Just expose 2 the GF, work, and possibly the FB friends, and let the fallout do the rest. What will you tell him? 2 stop contact with your W? Think he'll just comply? He'll do what he wants, whatever you tell him. Don't threaten him, either. You don't want 2 set yourself up for an altercation that could put one or both of you in jail or the hospital.

You want him out of your life, not in it some more with a face 2 face.

Having said that, SH has been known 2 advise a confrontation, but I think it's important for people in such si2ations 2 know a little about who they're dealing with before they do confront. Are they prone 2 violence? Either 2ward you or their GF? It may not be worth the risk, is all I'm suggesting.

-ol' 2long

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Also,

I have to say how much I appreciate everyones advice. I don't think I would have made it this far if I hadn't found MB. Some of you I feel I know personally , instead of in here!

Thank You so much for your help!

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2long,
The OM runs from me so I wouldn't say he's prone to violence. I am a little worried that if I confront, he'll make up a story. One of the things my WW told the other man post d-day is that I have a ccw permit (I guess to make me look like a maniac) Don't want him making up a story about that...very serious.

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jcb, confronting the OM is a good idea because it tells him you will stand up for your marriage. The Harleys DO recommend confronting the OP and causing as much trouble as possible for him.

That being said, if she ends the job you will have no need to do it.

Quote
Then prepare for the ranting and raving......

You are used to it by now, right? wink


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I agree with holding off on confronting the OM, things can get ugly quick and you want him gone. Me personally I don't think I could have not been violent if I confronted the OM early on. His gf gave me permission to kick his [censored] but luckily I was smart enough to know better.


Dday 2001
Me: BH-49
WW-44
Married 20 years

Recovered after years of hard work and above all...Honesty. It's been years since I've been here but I'm still finding it therapeutic.
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Originally Posted by jcb
One of the things my WW told the other man post d-day is that I have a ccw permit (I guess to make me look like a maniac

p.s. leave your pistol in the da car if you do confront him! grin And I am not surprised the OM runs from you, they are always little cowardly weasels.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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It's not having it on me that worries me...if he says I threatened him with it (which I wouldn't) the police WILL assume I did because I have the ccw, phone may be best for him...i could just spoof the wifes number that way he would think it was her at first....

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