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Originally Posted by Dealan-de
I've said it before, and I'll say it again,

IT'S A WAYNERD THING.

I'm thinking these are the start of a new country/western hit song. . .Get out your geetar, Dealan! hug

Last edited by Nanowritersix; 01/07/10 10:20 AM.
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House hunting is fine.

It's the house buying that's the potential problem.

You can spend lots of time together plan A'ing while looking at houses. It's a decent distraction from "relationship talk" and such. A time to watch your LB's and make deposits.

Just go into it with the presupposition that you won't buy anything until you actually sell your current home (and that means CLOSE on your current home as deals are falling through at the last minute all the time nowadays). Keep the price reasonably high on your current home and if it DOES sell...great. Then...consider a modest step up in home as opposed to the wayward entitled mansion your wife likely wants.

Mr. W


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Creepy.
My sister's XH bought a brand new car, PT, and had us retile/paint/carpet their entire house 2 weeks before dumping A and D on her.
Guess he thought he was going to get the "free labor" as a freebie on us. <We went down to TN and all helped with labor>.

What happened? He kicked her out, lost his house (forclosure and bank repo'ed the PT) what a bum.



Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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No offense intended. My exww had it in her head that she was the woman and had all the advantages in court. So yes, I think it was part of her plan to buy a house, throw me out of it, and then support her and the kids with CS.

In fact, it was what she was demanding recently when we did go to court.

I think a lot of wayward women convince themselves that they have the advantages in terms of divorce and custody.

They aren't far off the mark, but it's not as big an advantage as they believe.

Yes, it's a given that all waywards are idiots, but my focus is on helping men who are dealing with wayward women and helping them prep for the eventual court battle and to dispell and misconceptions about divorce and custody. I had it in my head that I was automatically going to lose because I was a man and nothing could have been further from the truth.

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Originally Posted by MrWondering
House hunting is fine.

It's the house buying that's the potential problem.

You can spend lots of time together plan A'ing while looking at houses. It's a decent distraction from "relationship talk" and such. A time to watch your LB's and make deposits.

Just go into it with the presupposition that you won't buy anything until you actually sell your current home (and that means CLOSE on your current home as deals are falling through at the last minute all the time nowadays). Keep the price reasonably high on your current home and if it DOES sell...great. Then...consider a modest step up in home as opposed to the wayward entitled mansion your wife likely wants.

Mr. W

Please heed this great MARRIAGE BUILDING advise.

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Originally Posted by helpthelostdads
my focus is on helping men who are dealing with wayward women and helping them prep for the eventual court battle and to dispell and misconceptions about divorce and custody

... so, is it safe to assume that you are not much interested in MARRIAGE BUILDING?

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WH agreed to new carpet, flooring, TV... like he CARED about things that had been neglected in the past. He even planted flowers. AHHHHH... then he left. So don't put too much meaning into gestures. Actions speak louder than words -- but some actions are for show only.

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This thread is one of the reasons I started that thread about using ICs and MCs who are not on board with MB program. I sense a freight train coming down the tracks.
My warning to this OP--my H's IC, who was also our MC, inadvertantly gave him a book to read that sent him back into the arms of his OW, so we had a false recovery.
The damage that woman did was immeasurable, and she doesn't have any idea...
From what I'm reading here, your IC is incompetent.


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Pep,

I'm realistic. I've seen more divorces on this site than marriages saved. Do I think it's great if a wayward comes back and is remorseful? Absolutely.

But at the same time, a BH is playing with an emotional disadvantage in these situations and are in a state of hardball where if they don't shake themselves out of their emotional paralysis they get crucified in court. They get caught in this attitude of, "I can't believe she's doing this."

All the while she is indeed doing it and is legally slaughtering him in the process in terms of taking everything and alienating him from his children.

I've seen more cases of wayward wives on this site staying wayward and pursuing their fantasy than I've seen of them repenting and coming back.

The men who prepare for the worst do the best.

Plan A and follow the advice given on this site, but at the same time be prepared for the worst. There's too many stories here of BHs who have fought gut wrenching battles with their waywards (psub, erichh, mortarman, pom) to simply not advise men on this board to prepare for the worst.

Mortarman is a good example of a man who fought hard in court for custody of his kids and had his WW come to her senses when she saw the reality of the situation and how much she was going to lose in the ordeal. The fantasy wasn't matching up to the reality and it woke her up.

By all means, Plan A, Plan B and all of that. But be prepared to play hardball or get caught with your pants down. It happened to me because I was trying to be Mr. Nice Guy. It got me nowhere. It's a disservice to not share the lessons of my experience with other men.

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Back from marriage counselor...

Told him what was going on, showed him wifes email to OM, and told him my wife said she originally confessed affair to therapist and it was his idea to hide it from me....

To say he was shocked would be an understatement....he never told her that! ASked her over and over if the affair had been physical and she denied it again and again. Said the letter sounded like trailer park highschool stuff.

Asked him if he was familiar with MB, and he was.

Told me to choose:
Demand WW quit job and terminate all contact. If not go to full exposure.

OR:

Leave her immediately before she destroys me mentally and physically.

He offered to see her, but I don't think she'd go now.

The scary part...he was very familiar with the fog, exposure, waywards, etc. He said this is one of the most abusive examples of infidelity he has ever seen, and frankly he's not sure if it's worth saving...

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Originally Posted by jcb
He said this is one of the most abusive examples of infidelity he has ever seen, and frankly he's not sure if it's worth saving...


Then he is not very familiar with Adultery. Your WW is a garden-variety wayward. No better, no worse....

not2fun

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Originally Posted by jcb
Back from marriage counselor...

The scary part...he was very familiar with the fog, exposure, waywards, etc. He said this is one of the most abusive examples of infidelity he has ever seen, and frankly he's not sure if it's worth saving...

Hmmm...I think it's a little drastic and non-serving for your MC to say that. MrRollieEyes You haven't even exposed the A yet. Quitting the job and NC have not been addressed yet. Heck, yeah, she's abusive. She's an alien! Let's all drag our former aliens out and compare abuses. Ha! We'll be reading responses til this time next month! Degree of abuse is immaterial right now. What's important is that you want to save your M. Keep going, jcb. Follow the plan.

Last edited by maritalbliss; 01/07/10 01:08 PM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Agree with not2fun. If you read up on this site, you'll see that your WW's situation is dull-normal as affairs go.
All of them are horrible, and to a non-MBer, none are worth saving.
Seriously, understanding MB principles and internalizing them are two different things.
Think of it this way--you've got kids involved. Do you REALLY want to let a parade of strange men come into their lives? Cuz that's what will happen my friend. Whether or not you get custody, these kids will be exposed to your WW's poor choices.
Isn't it worth TRYING to see if she can be salvaged? I know it feels HORRIBLE right now. I've been there--I know. But I have stuck it out because I don't want to wonder one day if maybe I should have tried a little harder, a little longer, for the sake of the kids.
Because this isn't about you. Or your alien wife.


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I think your counselor is now taking this personally because of your wife's deception...
Too close to the situation, if you ask me.


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Maybe he said it to make me feel better.

Anyways he agreed with "the plan"!

He also thinks WW is still physical with OM...

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From what I have read it is absolutely typical...

Nothing less...

And nothing more.

Waywards lie.
Waywards sneak around.
Waywards attempt to shift the blame.
Waywards gaslight everyone.

It isn't so much what they do as it is what they are.

It comes from thinking with parts of the brain that don't process data but only feel stuff.

Mark

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He said it to cover his a$$ and to keep you coming back.

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Perhaps. He wouldn't accept any $ for the 90 minutes I spent with him, though.

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Originally Posted by jcb
Perhaps. He wouldn't accept any $ for the 90 minutes I spent with him, though.
Then he's definitely feeling personally vested. BAD sign.


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>He also thinks WW is still physical with OM...

I think so too.

I also think you are waiting too long to expose.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

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