I don't know what else to do. Thanks, for all your replys but none of that stuff is working. I have always tried to grant my H every desire, dream, wish. Befrore we became Christians he put everyone before me, now he just uuggggg. He doesn't show affection. He thinks paying bills and washing my car is enough. I don't nag him about it though. I try to give him hints about things. The other day we were shopping I showed him something i wanted for $20. H says we couldn't afford it at the time, then he turned right around and bought him a $60.00 watch. Is that wrong or what, H doesn't think so. I am tired of crying abd buying things for myself, I make all the plans for us to do things together. I have to give him notice so that we can do them. Still alot of times i end uo dissapointed. I love H dearly, but what can I do to get him to understand. Even H will tell you I am a good wife and mother, I don't fuss and cuss and nag him about it, but it makes me feel like he don't care. I am tired of crying and having my feelings hurt.<P> Advice Please Anyone!!! <BR><P>------------------<BR>

It is hard to decide. You really have to work on yourself first and from my experience decide what you want and want you want to do. After a period of time we all revisit our expectations and boundaries. I feel the frustration and lack of affection you feel is causing you to loose your "Sense of Self" or who you really are. That can over time make you live your relationship in a way that deep down inside you resent living. Setting new boundaries and emotional needs. It is hard. It took me the last eight years of my 17 year marriage to realize that living witout affection and the sexual part of our relationship was something that really was not only "Not Me" but is not healthy or normal.<P>It is hard when first you have to look in the mirror and decide what you really want to do.<P>Good luck and I hope you see clearly the path which makes sense for you first.<P>mr r

Dear holding-on:<P>Like you, we're Christians. My H says he feels great guilt for his adultery. But yet he has lost his feelings of affection for me (mostly because everytime we are intimate, he goes to work where the OW is and she kills it - he comes home cold and indifferent). It's such a cruel and vicious cycle. I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone, except maybe the OW. I agree with the post before me. I actually haven't gotten to the point of strenghtening myself yet. I'm just a bucket of tears and nerves and intense pain. The shock won't go away.<P>This seems to also be an epidemic thing happening to Christian families. There are so many from my church alone who are going thru this crisis. We are being attacked. I'm still trying to figure out how to implement plan A. I'm trying to fill his needs but he won't let me and is very indifferent as hard as I try.<P>My next step is to see a doctor today about my depression - and I don't know, maybe counseling. Our first counseling visit was a huge disappointment for both of us, so it's not something I think helped at all.<P>I feel like I want to give up and take my kids back home to Illinois. On the other hand, I can't imagine life without him. I've spent more than half my life with him so all my history has him in it. And I don't want to ruin my kids lives if I dont have to.<P>I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. Take care and God lead you.

Dear Holdin,<P>Christian too. I'm well over 50 and have been married well over 30 years. Truth Time: I "explained" my need for emotional affection (even holding hands), companionship, etc. for so many years it surprises me now as I look back. I agree with Mrrlk's statements about "Self" thinking and learning from you about what you need and the limits you have (or) need to set. I agree with Hurtbad, that I would not wish this mess on anyone and that there does seem to be lots of us under attack. I am sorry you are in this much pain, but I do understand it... in it too by finding out my H deceived me for over a dozen years with ow in an 'emotional' affair. H gave away the very thing I was starving for. My advice to you is to know this FIRST, you are the most special person in the world to our Lord, He knows exactly what you yearn for, and be assured He has every one of your tears stored in His bottle - they have not gone un-noticed. I have not read your other posts (I'm pretty new here), but you might want to drop the 'hints' and be direct. Know you need to feel good about you and it will take a lot of work. God bless you and show you your real value, and may He open your H's eyes while there is time. <P>Hurtbad - I hope the counseling goes well. My H never needed counseling though he went for my sake some years ago. I go alone now, have not even asked my H to go this time. It's okay because no one will ever benefit from counseling unless they realize they have some issues they need help with. God bless and keep up the good fight in faith!

It's been a year now for me. I was a basket case for a long time trying to "fix" things. My H never has been one to be affectionate or buy birthday gifts, etc. However, that was (is) a need of mine. I never had much affection growing up and birthdays were just really another day. I've always made a big deal out of H's birthday and kids' birthday, but my birthday was always just "another day". sometimes a dinner out. I've really had to work on myself this past year through counseling and doing things I enjoy just for me. I started making time to work out, take a class,etc. In August I finally felt like I needed to remove myself from the doldrum environment at home and moved into an apartment. We sold our house and H is living with his mother. He will be transferring to a city six hours away next month . We see each other every weekend and have become "friends" again. I don't know what our future holds, but neither of us have said we want to give up. We will see each other at least once a month and maybe learn to appreciate each other. On the other hand, we may grow further apart. I guess what I'm trying to say is you have to feel good about yourself, take care of yourself and try to keep from obsessing about "what would make him happy, unhappy, etc." Just try to be a supportive wife for him yet at the same time get on with you. My H is just now acknowledging the need for therapy after a year of trying to get that set up. I still go and get a lot out of it. He gives me lots of ideas about how to deal with my H's passive-aggressive, conflict avoiding personality. sometimes I see really good results.<P>Anyhow, don't think I've really given any advice. Just want you to know I have been there/done that and have finally been able to turn a corner for myself. After 25 years of marriage and raising two children, I never thought I'd be in this position. I pray a lot and am looking for that silver lining in this cloud.<P>Prayers..<p>[This message has been edited by Janie (edited October 22, 1999).]

do you have your name on the checkbook? do you have a credit card? buy the $20 item and wrap it up and give it to yourself from HIM. woth a nice card. then thank him for it and see what he does.

HOLDIN-ON,<P>Sorry you are trying so hard and getting no where. Please have your HUSBAND read the following two Dr. Harley articles and then do what it says...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5010_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5010_qa.html</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5030_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5030_qa.html</A> <BR>