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Originally Posted by Dealan-de
>He also thinks WW is still physical with OM...

I think so too.

I also think you are waiting too long to expose.

ITA. You need to wrap this up. There is too much time elapsing here.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by helpthelostdads
I'm realistic. I've seen more divorces on this site than marriages saved.

Your registration date is less than 4 weeks ago:

Quote
Registered: Mon Dec 14 2009




Thanks.
I wanted clarity.

Your purpose for posting here is not MARRIAGE BUILDING.
That's just the way it is.



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Originally Posted by jcb
Perhaps. He wouldn't accept any $ for the 90 minutes I spent with him, though.

I think you paid him EXACTLY what his services are worth......

TB



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Originally Posted by jcb
Told me to choose:
Demand WW quit job and terminate all contact. If not go to full exposure.

This is EXACTLY what we have told you. And she has refused to quit the job.

Are you on track now to expose this affair and get this ball rolling?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by jcb
Maybe he said it to make me feel better.

Anyways he agreed with "the plan"!

He also thinks WW is still physical with OM...

I do too. I don't believe the affair has ended at all.

ok, are you ready to launch the nuke and follow through on this plan?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Just out of curiosity, why do you think a physical affair is still going on? Therapist agreed, but said why he felt that way wasn't important?

Still on track Friday...noon...defcon 1!


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It's all about her current secretive, defensive, wayward behavior. If she was no longer wayward, she wouldn't fear exposure so much, wouldn't fight to keep her job and stay near him, wouldn't fight to stay friends with him on Facebook, wouldn't keep coming up with insane justifications, and most of all, wouldn't be saying she wants a divorce all of a sudden.

That makes it so that the chances are good he said he'd only be with her if she dumped you, and she's desperate to get him back into her arms, or at least there with more regularity. Chances are good the OM is cake-eating with his girlfriend, too, and some part of her knows it.


Doormat_No_More
(Formerly Barnboy)
Original thread lost in the forum purge of '09.
4 months after D-Day
1 year after D-Day
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Originally Posted by jcb
Just out of curiosity, why do you think a physical affair is still going on?

Um, because your WW is lying so badly to keep her fix going?

Good going on getting the truth from the therapist. Would love to be a fly on the wall the next time he speaks with your WW!




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jcb,
You don't probably know me. I don't post often anymore. I like to stop by and see if anything is catching my eye. Your post is. I don't know your story, but have read this thread. I will tell you the advice I have given a few BS in here over the years.

Stop being paralyzed by your own fears. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you have ALL the power. You are acting like she get's to make the choices for your life...you are wrong. You get to make the choices for you and your marriage right now. She committed the affair, you get to choose to let her come back to you. What are the percentages of success, who can say, but I believe your success is going to hinge more on your ability to forgive your wife and move forwards, rather than on her current actions.

How can I say this...well, because she still doesn't see any consequences to your activities. Oooh, he's suspicious (that's kind of fun -- texts you from work feeling sorry --[now, this is a bit brutal, but she probably had just gotten it in the broom closet]and was feeling bad......

When you get to the point when you are finally a bit angry, and just plain done with your wife in her current state, she will realize what she is LOSING ... cuz right now, she ain't losing it. Your actions don't pose any threat to her behavior, they actually encourage it, because they make it even more exciting. Quit listening to what she says, he says, your therapist says, or even what I say. Think about what you want and start behaving that way. How do you think your wife would be with you, if the situation were reversed.

You've been given so much good advice here...if you can't see that yet, then your probably not ready to take on the role of recovering just yet. You maybe need to focus on yourself more, and get stronger (mentally, and a physical tuneup won't hurt your self confidence at all right now --- which I personally now is shattered).

Hang in there, you can do it. You know she is the one who is doing wrong right now, don't settle for any other excuse or argument about that.


9 years now ... and some days you still say grrr!
Hang in there.
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""You don't probably know me. I don't post often anymore.""

Yes but WE know you ROOKKEV dance2 Hope all is well.

You take it to the next level as usual.

He does have the power...the power of the HIGH ROAD.

jcb, read RK's post a couple time and let it sink in.

It should give you the stregnth you need my friend.

Stay strong.

kirk

Last edited by krusht; 01/07/10 03:54 PM.

CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
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Originally Posted by jcb
Just out of curiosity, why do you think a physical affair is still going on? Therapist agreed, but said why he felt that way wasn't important?

My wife 'ended' the communication 3 times. Once, by stopping the texting and cell calls. Then, she vowed NC, stopped messaging via FB, but left him as a 'friend' - that lasted 2 weeks. Then, she eliminated him as a 'friend' and blocked him on FB, but kept her FB account. That also lasted about 2 weeks. Real NC started, marking the beginning of the end of the EA, ONLY when she DROPPED HER FB ACCOUNT and stayed off of it. All of the other times, she was merely putting the EA 'on hold' until she felt it was safe to resume.

Yes, I am continuing to monitor, but just her attitude tells me that this time it's for real.

Your wife is still engaged in the affair. If she was not, she'd quit her job and get rid of FB. I learned the hard way.


Me: BH 60 - Married 21 years
ExW had an EA beginning 09/09 (Facebook)
After a few false recoveries, I filed for D 05/11
D final 03/12

'Be Mindful of Your Many Blessings and Endeavor Daily to be Worthy of Them'
Jay Severin

'Life is a gift and it offers each of us the privilege, the opportunity and the responsibility to give something back by becoming something more'
Tony Robbins
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Originally Posted by jcb
Back from marriage counselor...

Told him what was going on, showed him wifes email to OM, and told him my wife said she originally confessed affair to therapist and it was his idea to hide it from me....

To say he was shocked would be an understatement....he never told her that! ASked her over and over if the affair had been physical and she denied it again and again. Said the letter sounded like trailer park highschool stuff.

Remember what I said about waytards lying? I didn't mean just on their back. whistle

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Pep,

I've been on this board a long time. I'm all for trying to save a marriage when kids are involved. But I also believe a man should be prepared for the worst case scenario. So again, by all means, Plan A, Plan B, do everything you can to save it. But if a woman is consulting a lawyer and throwing legal terms around, it means she's prepping for war.

Having been there myself, and caught with my pants down, it is a disservice to have men like JCB NOT get advice on preparing themselves for the worst case scenario.

I've been on this board for years. I haven't seen too many WWes be remorseful and come looking for R. I usually back off of a thread at that point since I have no experience with dealing with recovery, but I know PLENTY about being caught unprepared for divorce by a WW who is educated on it.


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JCB, if you don't wish to hear my advice, then let me know.

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Originally Posted by imanotherone
Agree with not2fun. If you read up on this site, you'll see that your WW's situation is dull-normal as affairs go.
All of them are horrible, and to a non-MBer, none are worth saving.
Seriously, understanding MB principles and internalizing them are two different things.
Think of it this way--you've got kids involved. Do you REALLY want to let a parade of strange men come into their lives? Cuz that's what will happen my friend. Whether or not you get custody, these kids will be exposed to your WW's poor choices.
Isn't it worth TRYING to see if she can be salvaged? I know it feels HORRIBLE right now. I've been there--I know. But I have stuck it out because I don't want to wonder one day if maybe I should have tried a little harder, a little longer, for the sake of the kids.
Because this isn't about you. Or your alien wife.

Great point JCB, The winner in this battle between you and your WW will be the one of you that can step outside your emotions and act for the Integrity of your marriage and what will effect your children. <<The innocent ones first. Then that person will have won even if they don't "Feel"like they did at first.


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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Originally Posted by helpthelostdads
Pep,

I've been on this board a long time.

Okay, gotcha. You changed your ID.
You do what you do.
I gotcha there too.

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>All of them are horrible, and to a non-MBer, none are worth saving.


Even to most MBers mine was not worth saving...but it WAS SAVED...and it's wonderful now...

But you know JCB, my marriage was NOT savable - no matter how much I wanted it to be - until I followed MB TO THE LETTER...there was no "tweaking" it or partialling it...it had to be the full monty or nothing at all.

Trust what these people are telling you. DO what they tell you...and find an IC that can't be snowblowed.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

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Originally Posted by jcb
Still on track Friday...noon...defcon 1!

Kick it up to defcon 4.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Wife agreed last night to quit work and delete facebook....but acted like I was forcing her to do something she didn't want to do....




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Until she has quit and deleted, you should continue with exposure. Her words mean nothing at this point. Do not back down now.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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