I am concerned that she thinks you can improve yourselves and your M by being apart.
I am concerned that she is concerned for the well-being of OM

Let's leave #2 alone for a minute. Your WW is going to have to come to the understanding that M's aren't made stronger by being apart. Is there a way you can talk to her parents to enlist their help in getting her back home, so the two of you can start working on this? Are they aware of the true circumstances surrounding her extended stay with them? Is there a way you can persuade them to help save your M?

Okay, #2: This is wayward thinking. I'm still concerned that she is in contact with OM, and is putting her time in with her family so she can say that the two of you were separated before she hooked up with him, hoping that that will legitimize their relationship. That's why I think it's even more important to talk to her family. Did I miss it? Do they know that your WW had/has a OM?

Should I wait a while longer to write the plan B letter or do it right away? What kind of examples of plan A can I use from a long distance? When she has text me a couple of times today, she keeps saying how much she loves me. I think this is just going to take a lot of time.

What would be your purpose for Plan B? (I'm not arguing, I just want to make sure you know why you're doing it)

I am concerned that she thinks you can improve yourselves and your M by being apart.
I am concerned that she is concerned for the well-being of OM

Let's leave #2 alone for a minute. Your WW is going to have to come to the understanding that M's aren't made stronger by being apart. Is there a way you can talk to her parents to enlist their help in getting her back home, so the two of you can start working on this? Are they aware of the true circumstances surrounding her extended stay with them? Is there a way you can persuade them to help save your M?

Okay, #2: This is wayward thinking. I'm still concerned that she is in contact with OM, and is putting her time in with her family so she can say that the two of you were separated before she hooked up with him, hoping that that will legitimize their relationship. That's why I think it's even more important to talk to her family. Did I miss it? Do they know that your WW had/has a OM?[/quote]





I really don't know if her family will be of much help. She is living with her mom now and I'm sure her mom knows of the affair. I think her mom wants the marriage to work. Soon after I found out about the affair, I talked with her mom and she told me to keep hope that we could still fix this. At the same time, I think she likes having her daughter around and near her and the rest of their family. Most of the time, it seems her mother gives her solid, reliable advice but WW seems to just do as she pleases. When I tried to put any kind of boundaries on her activities, she would freak out and tell me to stop treating her like a child (even though she was acting like one). This led to many arguments and I would usually give in to avoid a fight. Bad idea I guess.

To tell you the truth, I'm not really sure. It has just been suggested by a couple of people so that is why I was asking.

Well, Plan B is really basically the same as a bluff, except for different reasons. It means that you are willing to walk away from your spouse for good, unless things go back to a decent marriage. You don't turn around on a Plan B. If the other spouse doesn't acquiesce, then that was your last goodbye. I just want to make sure you understand that and are ready to move on.

You lay out your requirements to her on what the conditions for her to return are.

It sounds like your WW is very immature.

Search the site on Plan B. Go to a bookstore and get Surviving an Affair.

The fact that she says she loves you is good, but actions speak louder than words.

Plan B means you cutoff all contact and don't re-establish it unless she meets all your conditions.

If she doesn't, then you stay dark.

It helps you clear your head, heal, and provides you with the emotional stability you need to decide if you wish to give her up, move on with your life, or continue to wait.

It's a break for you from the drama and it also forces the ex to understand that they are losing you. They either care or they don't.

It also puts the full burden of getting affection on the affair partner, but it's hard to understand if she is still in contact with him or not. My gut says she is.

I've ordered Surviving an Affair and just waiting for the book to show up. It is still really early in the whole process I believe. If I know her, she will begin to open up more to me soon. One of her best friends drove with her to Arkansas and she will be flying back to Utah tomorrow. This will leave my WW closer to being alone and I think she will begin to talk to me more. You're right, I think she is quite immature as well and it drives me crazy.

I'm certainly not ready to say goodbye and give up yet, so I think I will be waiting for a while to implement Plan B. Are there any methods I can use from Plan A that might work to my advantage in this situation so far?

Oh also, I have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow and I hope it goes well. I also have an appointment to see my doctor on Tuesday morning. I'm getting tested for STD's (which makes me so angry that I have to, but it has to be done) and a check on my depression, eating, and sleeping problems. I'll keep you all updated and thanks for your advice and kindness.

hello, sorry your here. I know from experience things will never be the same and that's the scary part, shes not the person you thought she was. then who is she and do you have time to try to figure her out? Will you ever believe her ever again?Is she worth your time? As much as you love her you'll always feel the doubt and the pain especially if she comes back. What made her think she had the right to deceive you for so many years.Isn't your devotion to your marriage worth anything? Please take a look at the big picture because she knew exactly what was at stake and it didn't matter. I'm sorry for being so abrupt but your worth more than her lies. You have to take care of your self eventhough you feel sick.I know it's hard.stress can be a very dangerous thing. please value yourself and maintain your beliefs and faith whithin yourself..Take care

petals,

I agree with you, but this is a decision he must come to on his own after digesting everything.

HB,

You're processing all that has happened. You'll eventually get your apetite and sleep back.

Your body is going through trauma and shock.

Keep your chin up. You will be ok after all of this no matter what happens. Just know there's tons of great women out there. You don't need one right now, but eventually, after you heal, you can put yourself out there again if you choose to not wait anymore.

If you choose to wait, then that's ok too. Just don't start dating right now while you're "separated". You're not ready for it and it will ruin any chance of recovery you may have.

Yes I know, I am trying to deal with these feelings everyday now and for many to come. You are right, I do need to take better care of myself and I am sure trying. I've been eating a bit better but I'm still having trouble sleeping and staying focused as work, school, etc. Thanks for your help.

Well I went to the counselor for the first time today and I did most of the talking. He was interested in my story and how I was feeling. I think he was just trying to absorb what I am all about and my situation. It felt good to have a neutral person to chat with about these problems. He was impressed with how well I recognized the all the feelings and how they were normal at this time. I go back for another visit next Saturday. He said he would bring a couple of worksheets on anxiety and depression for me to fill out too.


Also, chatted with my WW on the phone tonight for 2 hours. I did most of the talking and used some techniques from Plan A that seemed to work quite well. There were some tears shed (mostly on her part) and she was almost begging me to come down there to Arkansas to see her. I told her that now is the time for her to be earning back my trust (if that will ever even be possible). Many questions were left unanswered but I didn't want to overwhelm her so early. She seemed quite responsive about opening up more and taking steps necessary to build back a better relationship. I felt pretty good about the conversation overall and I plan to keep taking baby steps with her to get more info and resolution.

Nice work man. Stay strong and keep fighting.

Talked again with WW on phone tonight and got a bit more information. According to her, the OM and her had actual sex 4 times (which she told me before and I estimate that number to be low) and these 4 times occurred over the span of at least 1 1/2 years. She said it only ended a couple of months ago. Wow! I was under the impression that this affair took place a couple of years ago and was over with soon after. Apparently not, but I've been expecting this. I'm sure much more will unravel in the coming weeks and months.

She said that the events only happened after we had a fight or argument. She said the OM actually said that he felt sorry for me, but continued the affair anyway! She also said that what was lacking in our bedroom added to her want to try something and someone new. She claims that the sex was not much better with the OM than me, but it was more exciting because it was an adventure and secret, of course. It hurts to learn these things, but I know that it also helps me to heal in the long run. I've told her that if we are to move forward and begin to repair this damaged marriage, that she must end all ties with the OM forever. I've told her that we will write the letter soon to cut ties with him. She has agreed.

Do you think it is a good idea to ask for an apology from the OM or would that be just a waste of time? Would this really accomplish anything? I feel that if he manned up and apologized, it would make me feel a tiny bit better and might lead to quicker healing, but....?

Total waste of time. What does one of your stature do with a worthless apology from someone of his stature?

Catbox comes to mind...

Ok good answer, thanks.

Hardly likely. The typical WW ALWAYS wants to blame THEIR choices on SOMEONE ELSE. Here she's trying to make YOU responsible for what SHE chose to do.

I'm going to bet that SF happened when it happened simply because the opportunity was there for it to happen, and perhaps the opportunity was not always available. The rationalization came later to make her feel more comfortable about the wrong choices she was making.

Oh, my friend, re-read the advice you've been given. No kids, short marriage, long term affair all on your hands.

You are better than this and deserve better than this.

Odds are high she's only saying it was four times to minimize the extent of how often it really happened.

The odds are really high she's lying about all of this.

She sounds terribly immature and if she's going to run off to another man every time you guys have an argument then you have many more heartbreaks ahead for you.

Keep pressing forward if you wish, but think hard about whether or not you really want this woman, who sounds as if she has some major attention issues, back in your life. Imagine going through this with kids in the picture.

Things only get much harder with them and nerves are that much more frazzled.