Let her back in?? IMO you should be putting as much distance between her and yourself as possible..!

Just talked to the wife for a while. I heard her out...Part of her reaction I think is triggered by jealousy. I had dinner and drinks with a young lady friend the other night (nothing happened but we had fun). So I told my wife this the other day and she immediately got jealous. I am also going to a football game with this girl this weekend, as friends. I think my wife pieced that together from our conversation and is pissed off about it. Says she wishes I would take her to the game. I reminded her that she is screwing another guy, and I really have no desire to spend time with her, let alone take her to that game.

Now she is turning the tables on me saying that since I met someone else that I am being a hypocrite by not wanting to work on things. Maybe I should not have told her all this, but I assured her that has nothing to do with my feelings.

She is still blaming me for this mess. She mentioned again about how I never "did the little things" for her to show affection. That she needs to feel "loved and adored" in order to have an emotional connection. So I asked her if I were to have brought flowers and given her cards more often, then we wouldn't be where we are today. She said yes, it would have helped. I don't buy it...

If you have read my story, I did major things for her. Gave up a great job to move closer to her family, supported her going back to work, do at least half if not over half of the child care (even though I work twice as many hours), supported her going to grad school. But I guess this is not her "love language" Also, she never did anything to me to show affection. She says that the guy is supposed to do that type of stuff and that I am unromantic and clueless.

Now all of the sudden when she is jealous that I might be moving on with my life, she says the she realizes it is normal for relationships to lose "the passion" or "the flame" as she calls it. I find the timing of all this quite interesting. I think she is thinking about down the road...I will definitely move on and another woman will be living in "her house" with "her kids" I think she is having a tough time with accepting that, so now all of the sudden, she is willing to work on things.

She asked if she should meet with a lawyer to move things forward. I told her I needed to think about it. Although, I think I know my answer already...it seems pretty clear to me. Agree?

What flavor did you say that cake she was eating is?

My wife called this morning saying she was up all night last night and asked if I had thought more about things. I told her that I did not think things had changed and that she was just afraid and jealous. She said no, that things had changed. I had to go, so we said we would talk later.

I find myself considering giving it a chance...for my family's sake. This is such a tough decision for me...Is it really possible for her to have come around like this? Maybe it is...Or maybe we will wind up in the same spot eventually. It blows me away that she says I neglected her. I was the one being neglected! I just don't know...

Ed, my H said the exact same thing after his first A, which was with a co-worker who was also our son's teacher...big boundaries crossing....
Now his 2nd A was with the neighbor downstairs, carried out in her filty basement which he rented from her for over a year so he could have sex with her behind my and son's back....So another major thing had to happen for me before I realized that, yes.,,,there is a VERY serious problem....with him, not me!
Ed, the pain would be to great for you to bear should you take her back and should she do it again in a few months or years...she has not changed a bit.
For you to take her back she has to act and feel different to you. But you yourself are saying that she is just the same. I believe you are right. D and then see what happens.
blessings

One you are still married and should not be going on dates.

Second you should get divorced. Tell WW she has OM and you are divorcing her. You need the legal protection of a divorce. WW left you which makes it good that you get the home, custody, and the WW will have to pay CS.

If you take WW back now then restarts with the OM, but refuses to move out your actions showed that you forgave your WW. Chances are the judge will give WW custody, the home, you have to move out and pay CS.

Third you would consider dating her and building a new relationship with her after the divorce when she goes NC with the OM and does all the things necessary to try again.

It's one thing to risk losing your heart again. Another thing to risk your physical, financial, property, family, well being.

Thank you for the advice...I need to consider the risks of taking her back, not only to my heart, but the risk of losing my house and kids.

Looking at things, I guess I still can not wrap my arms around why she would have an affair. Sure maybe I did not adore her and buy her flowers other than on our anniversary and valentines day. But I did not neglect her. If I could understand that she had legit reasons for the affair - unmet emotional needs, then I would be willing to give it a shot.

Nothing has changed though, Ed. She is trying to guilt you into letting her back in and is blaming you for her adultery and the abandonment of her family. And here is what will happen if you do. She will come back for few days, then start sneaking around with her OM [she hasn't even ended the affair for crying out loud!] and then you will be in the horrendous position of having her in the house while you endure her adultery and you won't be able to get her out. Judges rarely make the mother leave, they make the FATHER LEAVE.

Go read up in Surviving an Affair. The wife left for her affair, then came back and kicked the H out LEGALLY and she got the house, the kids AND her OM!

You need to move full speed ahead and get her signature on a divorce settlement so your kids are protected. Then, some day in the future if she has a REAL AWAKENING and actually walks on water, then give her a second thought.

But all you have here is NOTHING. NOTHING. A bunch of crap about how it is your fault she committed multiple adulteries and abandoned her husband and children is NOTHING. NOTHING. No remorse, no nothing. <----there is nothing here that should motivate you to give her a second look. Are you nuts?

Ed, go tell her listen, I will give you an opportunity to show that you have really changed, but in the meantime, I am moving forward with this divorce. If you end your affair and make some demonstrable changes, I might consider it. But until that happens, I am moving forward.

But the first step has to be that she ends her affair and she hasn't even done that. She is nothing but a danger to you and those kids, Ed.

I tell you what scares me about her the most and that is her exposing your little daughter to her OM. Your wife has no sense at all and couldn't be trusted to protect her DD.

I did have her sign a seperation agreement, which basically acknowledged she was moving out, and granted me posession of the house and custody of our kids. That gives me a huge advantage legally. I agree I should not give that up under any circumstance. Too much to risk losing...

Ed, if there was REASON to risk all that, I can see it. But there is no REASON. There is nothing here. She doesn't even believe she is to blame for her crimes, so you can be assured of more of the same. Do you want to have to watch this from your home again? Because that is what you are facing.

I agree...at this point, even if she were to say all the right things, I would doubt the sincerity of it all.

She told me last night "I am not going to kiss your butt if that is what you expect" Maybe I am off base, but I think she should be kissing my butt if she was truly remorseful.

Again, I think our affair was somewhat the exception to the norm. When we talk about unmet needs, all she can come up with is that I didn't do the little things...buying flowers, thoughtful surprises, make her dinner, etc. etc. In my opinion these are not real emotional needs. They are the needs of an immature child who has no grasp of reality. Maybe I am wrong...but that is my take on it.

I was going to send my WW an e-mail. I drafted it but wanted to post it here before sending to see what people think. Here it is...

I have thought about things too... Here is where I am. I absolutely can't risk being hurt like this again. In order for me to consider working on things, I need to see a serious change in your behavior. Not just words coming out of your mouth.

So here is what I was thinking... the affiar needs to end, for good. No contact ever ever again. No withdrawal. I would need you to end the affair and have no contact for at least 2 months before I would consider that to be a serious change in your behavior. Until that happens, I can not risk being hurt again. I do not want to attempt to rebuild our marriage unless I am sure you are serious about this and the affair is over for good.

If you have any contact with ****or ****, you would need to tell me about it. If I catch you lying about anything it would be done. This is about rebuilding trust and demonstrating that you are really serious about change. I am serious about that. If they try to contact you in any way, you have to tell me. If you have any contact at all with them, you have to tell me.

If you are on board with this let me know. If you have any hesitations or doubts, you should retain a lawyer and let us both move on.


What do you all think about this? Should I add anything? I would spy like crazy. I have a spare set of car keys of hers, so I would sneak over to her place and put a VAR and GPS on her car. Any lies to me and it would be over for good.

Oh no, Ed. That puts all the onus on YOU to prove her trustworthiness. SHE needs to prove her own trustworthiness. I would set this up completely differently.

Try something like this:

Dear Sally,
I have given this alot of thought and don't see any change of behavior on your part that would motivate me to change my current direction. Without a dramatic and heartfelt demonstration of change, I am not willing to take the chance. As it is now, you are not safe to me.

Some things you could do to show you have changed is to end your affair and end all contact with **** and ****. You would have to prove to me in a very convincing way that has happened.

Additionally, I would have to have a committment from you to change your lifestyle so this never happens again. For example, no more overnight travel, no more opposite sex friendships, complete openess and honesty of computers and PDAs.

That is what it will take to get me to consider anything. I will give you an opportunity to change and demonstrate those changes, but unless they are convincing, I couldn't consider it.

WHO is this?

There are 2 guys involved...one was an EA over the phone, facebook, texts. He lives 2000 miles away so I'm pretty sure it was just a long distance EA, but would have become a PA if possible. Then there is the PA guy she has been seeing the last 5 months. NC would apply to both.

Mel - one thing that could be a problem would be the requirement for no overnight travel. She has business meetings with her job that are required. Not sure that would be realistic...

I think she also needs to understand the repercussions of lying to me again. I would spy on her without telling her. Any lies would make me decision very easy. I have a strong feeling that she would slip up and lie again...

"I did have her sign a seperation agreement, which basically acknowledged she was moving out, and granted me posession of the house and custody of our kids. That gives me a huge advantage legally. I agree I should not give that up under any circumstance. Too much to risk losing..."

This agreement will mean nothing if you take her back.

"Mel - one thing that could be a problem would be the requirement for no overnight travel. She has business meetings with her job that are required. Not sure that would be realistic..."

How would it be realistic that you can trust her alone on business trips?

WW just has to get a new job.

I sent her the e-mail outlining the conditions for calling off the divorce. I stressed that I need to see a change in behavior...not just words. No contact, complete openness, hand over all passwords, cell records, no lies, etc. If she is on board and can demonstrate this over the next 2-3 months, then maybe it is worth considering.

I would defintely rig her car with a VAR and a GPS to keep an eye on her if she were to agree to this plan. I should hide that spare key at my place before she takes it away.

If you are REALLY considering taking her back (IMO I think that's a horrible move, but this is really your decision to make), then I'd suggest that you consider some sort of postnup agreement that protects you if she strays again.

WWs are evil creatures. I strongly suspect that there's some underlying reason for her wanting to come back that has absolutely nothing to do with rebuilding a relationship with you. There's likely to be some sort of personal gain involved, and likely at your expense too.