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Originally Posted by RookKev
...All kidding aside, that is great news. Now comes the part I tried to mention. Your recovery is going to hinge upon your ability to forgive. Not necessarily feel like forgiveness yet, but ACTING like you are trying to forgive will go a long ways. Remember, she didn't end up where she is without you failing a bit on your part in the marriage. Don't expect a whole lot of 'good' stuff from her right now. It is a long slow road...decide that your actions will not hinge upon her actions or emotions for awhile (maybe forever). If you can begin to operate off of what you think/know, rather than what you feel, you will safeguard yourself from her mood swings that will come....

Awesome advice and so true.

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Interesting to have read all the comments about ups and downs coming after we "figured it out"

I had a great day Monday, so-so yesterday, and not good today. Alternating feelings of anger (especially at OM, not so much my wife) sadness, depression and a feeling I failed to prevent this all from happening. Have not exposed to OM's girlfriend, and have not yet confronted OM. I can't shake that feeling of wanting to exact "vengeance" on OM, even though my wife is the one that was married.....

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Originally Posted by jcb
Interesting to have read all the comments about ups and downs coming after we "figured it out"

I had a great day Monday, so-so yesterday, and not good today. Alternating feelings of anger (especially at OM, not so much my wife) sadness, depression and a feeling I failed to prevent this all from happening. Have not exposed to OM's girlfriend, and have not yet confronted OM. I can't shake that feeling of wanting to exact "vengeance" on OM, even though my wife is the one that was married.....

jcb, why have you not contacted the OM's GF? That needs to be done ASAP.

And of course you are angry at the OM, he had an affair with your wife, for crying out loud! He raped you!

You have been traumatized and assaulted by this affair so these feelings are natural. They are not going away over night. You are looking at YEARS. Sorry, friend. frown


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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It's a long road, and you've just begun your journey, jcb. Look at each day alone so you don't get discouraged. And I agree with Mel. Tell the GF. Don't worry about confronting OM.
Has your wife worked her last day yet?


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I was thinking that since my wife quit (she has 7 days left from her notice), and told our family, it was unnecessary.

Here's the odd thing...while we were talking last night, she said one of the things that made her mad was that it was like he (OM) won...he gets to keep his job, his girlfriend doesn't know, no one is upset with him, while myself, my wife, our kids and family have been turned upside down. She wants to get back at him somehow, telling the girlfriend, getting him fired something..

Anyone ever hear that one before....?

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Originally Posted by jcb
I was thinking that since my wife quit (she has 7 days left from her notice), and told our family, it was unnecessary.

It is ABSOLUTELY necessary. She needs to know regardless of the state of the affair. She should have been notified FIRST, jcb. PLEASE do not delay in telling her. This is a critical exposure that you cannot neglect.

YOU need to tell the GF yourself. Afterwards, tell your wife you told her.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by jcb
Anyone ever hear that one before....?

I heard something similar from my FWW. When she and the OM finally decided to go to "NC" (some business contact was still required, as she was still working with him at the time), she did indicate some surprise that he actually held up his end of the bargain. It didn't take much longer for her to realise that he couldn't care less about her, and only did what he did "to find out what it would be like" to be with her. And yes, she did start to get a bit angry with him. Not enough to expose to the office what had really happened between them though.


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My two cents: you're not quite there yet. Almost. She put in her notice. I would feel better if she called in "sick" the next 4 days of work, but it's moving in the right direction. Be ready for backsliding.

I was where you were -- without the sex, but the same devastation as the man actually PROPOSED to my wife -- just a few short months ago. Steel yourself, recognize that you've just accomplished the hardest thing in your life, but since she'll be seeing the OM for four more working days, be ready for her to be triggered and backslide.

It took my wife a month after promising no-contact to actually follow through with a letter, actions, and Extraordinary Precautions. Make sure you have GREAT EPs, including full access to her computer, all her passwords, no Facebook in the house, OM's phone number wiped off her computer and phone, all phone records snail-mailed to you, etc. It sounds like the OM truly isn't in the picture anymore except for incidental work contact since he dumped her some time ago, but you standing up for your marriage attracted your wife back to you. Way to go!

A couple months after real No-Contact day, we had a heart-to-heart discussion about all my exposure targets. FWW exploded and slept in another bed for 3 days.

A few weeks after that, I discovered a cache of photos of OM she was hiding on her phone & PC. I deleted them. She exploded, and slept in another bed for 3 days.

A week after that, I discovered 2 more photos of OM. I gave her the chance to delete them herself; instead, she hid them in a journal, then gave me a dog-and-pony show of deleting them until I found out the truth. She was furious that I discovered, and slept in another bed for 3 nights.

A month after that, I discovered two more photos of OM. She claims she didn't know they were there, but wanted to "test" if I was still watching her closely by leaving them. Whatever, I deleted them, she blew up for 3 days and... slept in the same bed as me, despite her massive anger.

A few days ago (Almost 5 months after D-Day, 4 months after NC-day), we had a meeting with Jennifer Harley Chalmers to help us get past these irregular blow-ups. We worked together to ensure that her PC, phone, and everything we owned was clear of any reminders of OM, and undertook "Homework" from Dr. Chalmers to improve our love for one another, and it's working wonders.

I say all of that to say this: you're about to embark on recovery, and it's a very rocky, difficult road, filled with unexpected emotional minefields that surprise you, motivational swamps that discourage you, and creative wildernesses that leave you wondering what to do. Engage help from the community, from pro-marriage counselors, and from the many books the Harleys have written to help you through these times.

Welcome to the fraternity. You're almost done with your initiation... get that no-contact firmly in place, and you're there.


Doormat_No_More
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Original thread lost in the forum purge of '09.
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Quote
I was thinking that since my wife quit (she has 7 days left from her notice), and told our family, it was unnecessary.
You hold VALUABLE information that could affect that woman for life.

YOU.

Alone.

And you are keeping her from protecting herself against that POS. And any possible kids.

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jcb;
If the situation was turned around, and the OM and his W(GF) found out about the A/ended the A/and were moving on- would you, as the clueless BS want to know?

I mean, you are empowered because you have the truth now.
You are leaving the BGF in the dark. By doing this she is not allowed to make real descisions about her life due to this lack of information.

She is probably your best ally in keeping the NC enforced. Two sets of eyes are always better than one.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

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Tell her, jcb. There are four people involved in this, not three. Two of the people have shown NO respect for her, whether she knows that right now, or not. Don't be a third person to give her no respect. She deserves to know.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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OMW derseves the truth. Tell.

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Is there still contact going on at work? If so, I smell a false recovery in your future. They have too much time to go underground...


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jcb Offline OP
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Since Monday, they have only worked together once..for 2 hours. She works with him again Saturday for 4 hours. She keeps talking about how lazy he is, how he is a total loser and how she can't stand him...??

Absoultely no contact by computer, the prepaid cell phone did turn out to be my mother in laws. All her coming and goings accounted for...


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Originally Posted by jcb
Since Monday, they have only worked together once..for 2 hours. She works with him again Saturday for 4 hours. She keeps talking about how lazy he is, how he is a total loser and how she can't stand him...??

Absoultely no contact by computer, the prepaid cell phone did turn out to be my mother in laws. All her coming and goings accounted for...

So, the contact CONTINUES... And his girlfriend is still ignorant of the affair. What gives, jcb?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by jcb
Since Monday, they have only worked together once..for 2 hours. She works with him again Saturday for 4 hours. She keeps talking about how lazy he is, how he is a total loser and how she can't stand him...??

Absoultely no contact by computer, the prepaid cell phone did turn out to be my mother in laws. All her coming and goings accounted for...

Hmmm...the referencing of OM, even if it's negative, is still referencing him. I don't like that. think


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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See, that is my thinking...even though all references to the OM are negative, it's wierd that she mentions him at all...starting to sense something wrong...

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Well you technically haven't begun recovery until the last bit of contact is concluded. She can't change her shift? She's leaving for christsakes. She should go to upper management or even call in sick the last day. This is insanity.


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Originally Posted by jcb
See, that is my thinking...even though all references to the OM are negative, it's wierd that she mentions him at all...starting to sense something wrong...

We are too. jcb, why are you refusing to expose this affair to the OM's GF?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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CALL
OM'S
GIRLFRIEND
AND
EXPOSE


Can you hear me now?

What kind of business does she work for?

Last edited by Gack1; 01/15/10 09:27 AM.

Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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