Great idea about the post nup...I just sent her another e-mail saying that would be another condition before she could move back in. I also added that she would have to be willing to take a polygraph at anytime.

I have a feeling she is going to read all this and say I am being way too demanding and unrealistic. We shall see...

MIM - I am not considering taking her back in at this point. I would want her to have at least 2 months of NC before I would consider. I highly doubt she will be able to do that. And if she does...well maybe then she will have made some drastic changes.

At that point, she would have to be on board with the other conditions...no overnight travel, random polygraphs, post nup agreement, etc. I really can't see her getting on board with all that, but if she did, it would really make me consider.

But you said in your letter that she is supposed to TELL YOU when there is contact. Did you change that to NO CONTACT?


I don't think its realistic to expect you can affair proof your marriage if she travels without you. That won't work so you would want to do something about changing it if you want this to work. Overnight travel is an invitation to an affair.

Yes I told her NO CONTACT.

The reason I said that she should tell me if there was any contact is about trying to build trust and radical honesty. If for example, she has a lapse and calls one of the guys...If she were to be honest with me and tell me, I might be able to forgive that. The clock would start over though in terms of her demonstrating change. But if she lies about it and I find out, then it is finished.

So here is WWs response to the e-mail I sent earlier today...

wow, this is all pretty demanding.

sure, I'd agree to cut off all ties with **** and ****, but polygraph tests, quitting my job, and a postnup agreement? F**k, you want me to live in a cave?

You do realize that I would want you to change things, too, right? And the same postnup would apply to you then, too. If you are going to play that game I would want the same thing in writing for me. Although I think none of that is necessary. If I were to come back that should be a sign enough that I am determined to make things work.

Also, if I were to agree on this I would expect you to stop seeing ***** during these next 2 months.

I was going to write you a sweet email, but after your messages, I'm not feeling sweet any more


SO there it is...pretty much what I expected. Too many demands for her. I should just blindly trust her again - please!! I don't think she gets the idea of the post nup. Nothing would apply to me...if we divorce for any reason, I would get custody of the kids and the house, unless the she could convince a judge that I was a danger to the kids. There would be post nup that appplies to me...

Thoughts?

"I'm back, aren't I?"

Typical wayward. Yes, you're back, but you blew up my soul so YOU have work to do!

I'm not sure you can post nup on custody issues. The standard is the kid's best interest and I don't think the parties have standing to contract away the kids' rights.
That said, I agree. She demonstrates no insight inot her behaviors. Run.

Translated: You mean I'm going to have to work at this?


Translated: I expect to be compensated for the loss of my affair partner.


Translated: I like the frosting on my affair cake to be chocolate, with a hint of mint, I should be rewarded for my actions.


Translated: Im entitled to anything I want, and your getting in the way of it all.


Translated: I was much more happy having a husband and a boyfriend, and this woman is making me jealous


Translated: Im going to use my anger to intimate and manipulate you, play along with my selfish desires or your not going to get anything from me.

Lol!...thanks for the translation. I will not budge on any of these conditions so I think I know where this is headed.

"Dear Sue, let me know if you change your mind and we will talk.

Take care, Ed"

RMX, good translation!!

I love it!!!

That's a GREAT way to toss the ball squarely back into her court. Ultimately, if she wants to come back into your life, SHE has to do the hard work, and it's clear from her messages that she's not considering this. A short sweet note like the above would be the MOST effective response in that type of situation IMO.

Do NOT lower your price for her admission back into the marriage. Don't settle for anything less than what you've asked for!!

Her wayward brain is trying to negotiate the best deal for her, not recovery of the marriage.

Wait and see what her actions are because even if she says "I'll do whatever it takes" it won't mean a hill of beans if she isnt walking the walk... KWIM?

Hi, Ed. I hope things work out well for you, whatever decision you decide to make. I have to admit, though, the idea of a polygraph test on demand kind of skeeves me a bit. Has a sharp tang of Big Brother Watching You about it. Even though I am a betrayed spouse, and in general approve of any measure that will make the WS be held accountable, the polygraph thing is just....eeuuwww! Good luck!

At first I thought the same thing about the polygraph...but you know what? If she is really serious about earning my trust and she is being completely honest with me, then she should welcome a polygraph test, right? It is a way of proving her honesty and beginning to earn my trust back. There is no way I would fully trust her without that condition.

The polygraph is awesome! I know marriages that have made it back from hell by passing a polygraph. And I know others that ended when more affairs were discovered. They can be very valuable.

EllenG,

I havent read all of your three posts.

"Doth protest too much" in regards to the polygraph.

Hi, RMX! It is not my place to protest pro or con about the polygraph. It is up to the people involved. I can only speak for my own gut feeling, which I did. People may feel differently, certainly.

People have done all kinds of high tech surveillance on spouses, some of whom were innocent, many more who are guilty. People just have to decide if the results are helpful or hurtful to their ultimate goal. I know of several people who make their wives hand over their panties when they walk through the door, and then send them for analysis for seminal fluid. I'll bet that knocked a hole in the budget, after a while.

And look! It is now my fourth post! I am really racking up the tally, here.

Well i think the poly has some merit, after all the WS did something that the BS thought would never happen.

Could save him some time and give his WW a chance to prove herself since "trust me" isn't worth what it used to be

You made me grin with that last sentence, darn you!

Ed, I think you really need to reassess your current course of action. Does our wife sound like someone who is truly remorseful and willing to put maximum effort into repairing the damage she has caused to the marriage? Does someone who calls you insecure for not letting her maintain contact with her affair partners and tells you not to expect her to kiss your butt sound like someone that you can trust?

Also, why are you even considering dating someone? You aren't even divorced yet and for that matter can't even make up your mind about what you want to do.

Edited to add: As you can tell from my post count, I very seldom ever write any replies to threads - but after reading how your thought process was going, I had to reply. You're setting yourself up for a world of hurt, and by dating people while you are still married you kind of take away any moral righteousness you may have had. Just because your wife is a cheat doesn't mean you have to be.