Hi Meislost, Welcome to MB. Weekends are slow, especially holiday weekends. But, as you see I registered and began posting exactly 3 years before you on a holiday weekend. I don't post much now but your title caught my eye because I was in the same boat as you for over 3 decades. (Story in my Saga linked to my sig line.)
I have just come to a point after 6 years together 3 years married that enoughs enough and i deserve to be treated better. Like you, I felt the same way, but I wanted a scripturally justifiable reason to get out of our M. For years, I had tried everything to make him change (marriage books, tapes, cds, seminars, retreats, advances, workshops...etc.) but I gave up and detached when we got into a fight at a marriage conference after 30 years. When he had an affair during our 32nd anniversary, I was actually glad that my "out" had finally come and I was ready to accept his offer of "giving me everything including the house, cars and a quiet divorce." But I changed my mind when challenged by our then-20-something son who begged us to 'fight for our family' first before going to Plan D.
My husband and i have been reading the his needs her needs book to try and resolve our problems and i have come to the honesty and openess topic. When we did the EN questionnaire, O & H was my #1 and it was my then-WH's #10.
I dont trust my husband after lies about sleeping with women who he didnt sleep with lies about borrowing money from people he didnt lies about stupid little things right up to big things. He even admitted that he made this complete story up about some girl and losing her leg.
I have actually caught him having sex with another women and he has given me three different reasons for it to start with it was my fault.
I dont get why he lies about things that dont happen that he know would hurt me.
HNHN describes the 4 main reasons liar's lie:
1: To make them feel/look good.
2: To get out of a problem.
3: To try to protect the other from potential hurt.
4: Compulsion.
My then-WH did the first 3 for 50+ years and I was fearful that he qualified as an unchangeable compulsive liar. In fact, after D-Day #3, I insisted that he be evaluated for it (the psychiatrist said he still had a conscience so he did not qualify as #4...he merely needed to decide to change and be held accountable....by my snooping/checking, etc).
He expected because i should love him unconditionally i should just trust him again.
He needs to be educated; unconditional love will almost always lead to enabled lies. (Some say it ALWAYS does, but I'm sure there may be one exception to the rule.)
I have pointed out Dr Harleys methods to restoring trust and he agrees but then gets very angry when i do tell him i dont trust him or check up on him. My then WH got angry, too....because he was still secretly in touch with OW (but he didn't think there was anything wrong with it because they no longer were having phone/cyber sex). He pretended to want me to check up on him but had only gone further underground. I can't be sure, but your WH might still be involved with one/more OW.....that might explain his anger. Or he could be gaslighting you out of pure habit and his own insecurities (trying to make himself feel good by making you feel bad).
When he truly wants help changing, he will welcome your help with a good attitude. Until then, you'll need to make your plan so that if/when you can no longer endure his lies, blameshifting and gaslighting, you will have a way to get out and be able to take care of yourself/family.
Can the born liar change? I know in the book dr harley says that during middle age it improves my husband is 45!!
Feeling rather lost i have agreed to give him a chance to fix our marriage but finding it hard to get past the lies and mistrust.
I have spoken to a counsellor about my personal issues who has said why do i stay with an emotionally abusive person would it be a rash decision to leave know?
My opinion of your first question is "maybe". If he is a true compulsive liar with a seared (or no) conscience, he will need extensive therapy for a very long time and there may still be no hope for him to change.
In our case, my then-WH was a born habitual liar for the 3 other reasons. How did he change? Our very tough MC nailed him between the eyes in front of me when he tried to lie to him (but I had emailed the truth to MC in advance). Plus, the fact that I sat by quietly in that MC session (and didn't interrrupt him before MC did) showed my then-WH that I was capable of changing and didn't need to keep
piling on and piling on when I had a point to make.
My perspective on your second question "would it be a rash decision to leave now?" is "it depends". (I'm assuming you have no children but that is another factor to be considered.)
* Have you tried to deal with his affairs? (Exposure, NC ~ no contact ~ letter, etc.)
* Do you want to save your marriage? (If you do, have you read all the articles and free resources available on this website?)
* Are you willing to educate yourself and find out what aspects YOU might need to change? (You can only control YOURSELF...you can't make him change.)
* Will you commit to working hard (learning, changing, growing...etc) to fix your relationship for many weeks, months, or possibly years?
* If your answer is "no" to any of the above questions, do you have a plan if you were to give up and leave?
If all your answers are "no", then my opinion (from having been in your shoes) is that it would be a rash decision to quit and leave now. You'll need to plan your work and then work your plan either way.
3 years into recovery, my now FWH (former wayward husband) says that
he decided he wanted to change because he saw the changes I was trying to make. No, I didn't make him change, but I enticed him to
want to choose to change by changing myself. Does that make sense?
Hope that helps. Be patient on this quiet holiday weekend....many others will be by to help eventually.
Best wishes in your efforts,
Ace