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#2306104 01/15/10 04:56 PM
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DDay was last May 2009. My WS continues to have contact with OP. The OP is also married. My WS has contiued to tell me that no contact was occuring, but I always found out otherwise. I have told WS that I can no longer stay married while she sees another person. Again I have been told that it is over,no more contact.... I find it hard to believe anymore. The lies have made me feel numb to what is real anymore. I dont believe that real reconcilation can occur while WS still has contact with OP. Marriage counsling has not been effective, Ws has lied to therapist about continued contact also. I am totaly lost and confused. I dont wish to give up on our marriage.... What are views on telling OP's spouse ????

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BS,

Your spouse is cake eating having you and OP/OM at the same time, with no cost to herself. Exposure and loss of reputation is what she and OM should be paying. There is a reason waywards don't send I'm having an Affair cards, with a cute photo, to their friends/relatives.

Gather/secure your evidence, and present them to the other persons spouse, don't warn or threaten just do it, it should be as sudden as blitzkreig.

you might want to move this to the "Surviving Infidelity" forum you are not in recovery.

NJ

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Don't just expose to the other person's spouse... expose to EVERYBODY you, your spouse, and the Other Person care about. It's called "nuclear exposure" for a reason: it drops a bomb in the middle of the affair and stops it cold.

It's usually the first step of recovery. Figure out everybody you can talk to about this -- particularly those who can offer you some real-life support -- and plan your exposure calls all for the same day if possible.

Therapy is useless against an active affair.


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Originally Posted By: blackskys
DDay was last May 2009. My WS continues to have contact with OP. The OP is also married. My WS has contiued to tell me that no contact was occuring, but I always found out otherwise. I have told WS that I can no longer stay married while she sees another person. Again I have been told that it is over,no more contact.... I find it hard to believe anymore. The lies have made me feel numb to what is real anymore. I dont believe that real reconcilation can occur while WS still has contact with OP. Marriage counsling has not been effective, Ws has lied to therapist about continued contact also. I am totaly lost and confused. I dont wish to give up on our marriage.... What are views on telling OP's spouse ????

Sorry you are here but welcome to MB...

Yes, not telling OPS is a critical mistake and usually leaves the door wide open for continued contact.

I would ask to have this thread moved to SAA, if you press "notify" the mods will be able to do that for you.

It sounds like your W has admitted the A, is that right? What other proof do you have?


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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Yes my WW has admitted to having an affair. What she continues to lie about is NC. She will not admitt to contact unless I provide proof, which I have, she then gets angry and says she will end it again. My WS constantly decries that my only purpose in telling OPS is to hurt other people, she maintains that it is only an act of revenge on my part. I dont fully understand my fear in telling the OP's spouse. Am I afraid it will cause the end of my marriage? My WS seems so distraught and emotional when the topic comes up. To me its almost like I am helping keep thier secret..........

Last edited by blackskys; 01/15/10 06:20 PM.
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Originally Posted By: blackskys
Yes my WW has admitted to having an affair. What she continues to lie about is NC. She will not admitt to contact unless I provide proof, which I have, she then gets angry and says she will end it again. My WS constantly decries that my only purpose in telling OPS is to hurt other people, she maintains that it is only an act of revenge on my part. I dont fully understand my fear in telling the OP's spouse. Am I afraid it will cause the end of my marriage? My WS seems so distraught and emotional when the topic comes up. To me its almost like I am helping keep thier secret..........


Your marriage is headed for the rocks if you DON'T expose it. You are enabling this affair in every way. If you want to save your marriage, you will have to expose the affair - to everyone. Without warning. Expose to everyone, such as family, friends, children, the affairees facebooks friends. Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposure is ruinous.

Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it can't survive an affair. Go over to the newsletter forum and read Dr Harleys newsletter about exposure. Here is what Dr Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders, says about exposure:

Quote:
. If the unfaithful spouse is offended by being exposed, so be it. Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery.
here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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blackskys,

Here, take some time on the board, and go through as many posts you can find about BS's who have exposed to the OPS. After you do that, report back to me, how many regretted exposure vs how many said they had a great result from the exposure. ---it might not be great immediately, but I think you will see the people that expose are the posters that tend to move over to the recovery board shortly thereafter.

ESPECIALLY when the OP is married. That makes it alot easier to deal with. When both people are married both parties have a lot to lose once the truth is on the table. Honestly, us men tolerate alot more than women, when it comes to betrayal -- imo. I would expect for this man's wife to hand it to him the instant she finds out.

hang in there -- it sounds like you might finally be tired enough with the current situation to have the will power to take the next step.

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You must expose this affair.

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About exposure:

--Exposure targets
Anyone with influence over your WS or the marriage. WS' parents, siblings, best friend, children if they're over 4. OP's siblings, parents, spouse. Your priest or similar if you're religious. Their employer if they work together. Work exposure should be done *in writing* to the head of HR, the CEO, and WS' boss. All of them should know the others were copied; this makes it harder for them to toss the letter into the trash and forget about it.

--Exposure message
Use a formal letter for work exposure. Everything else is short and sweet: "OP and WS are having an affair. I love WS and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to repair our marriage and make it better than ever. I'd appreciate any advice you might have." The exposure message is not vengeful; it is a message of love.

--No warning
Do NOT threaten to expose, do not tell her you're going to expose. Just do it. If she has advance warning, she will tell her friends and family "We are having trouble in our marriage. H is controlling and angry. He won't talk to me, he won't listen to me. He is possessive and jealous, and he accuses me of insane things. Sometimes I'm scared for my physical well-being, he's changed that much. Thank goodness I have friends to talk to, otherwise I don't think I could bear the abuse. OM has been especially helpful in offering insights into how a man would see things. I just hope we can make it but I'm not sure we can." How do you think your exposure is going to sound after an oscar winning performance like that?

--Exposure after-effects
Your WS is going to be furious. You will hear predictable things like "I can never trust you again. I was going to dump OP and reconcile but you've blown any chance of that. I hate you. I'm filing for D." Don't EVEN pay attention to this stuff. Your WS is just angry because the super-fun super-secret affair is suddenly looking downright tawdry and the fun is turning into a nightmare. Just ignore most of it. If your WS tries to talk about divorce, say "I don't do divorce, I do marriage." Then change the subject. If your WS tries to pick a fight, tell them you'd very much like to discuss things when you can both be calm and rational, and leave the room if you have to. If she says things like "How could you do this?!" tell her you'll do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

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t/j to turtlehead, did you get a chance to read Dr Harleys excellent newsletter on exposure on the newsletter forum?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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ML, no! Running off to see it now, thanks for the heads up. I feel kind of like a hypocrite advocating exposure when I didn't... but I didn't know about MB until after NC was in place. During his A, FWH was threatening to go to her if I told anyone.... "you'd just end up pushing us together, I couldn't be around you knowing you're that controlling and vindictive..." the normal lines. I didn't recognize them for what they were, then. I was in the habit of believing and trusting him and so I foolishly continued.

We had indirect contact from her afterwards... she posted some paintings she'd done of them together, posted them on her website and then later put one of them up for sale on eBay. Then posted a graphic on her Flickr account with the "comments" being one short ancient email from FWH to her and an insanely long rambling response from her back to FWH.

I think she doesn't know how to get hold of him any more so she comes out of lurking every once in a while, in indirect ways. I think if I'd exposed, and if FWH had written a firm NC letter (his was a "I promised my wife so I can't talk to you, but I'll always love you" type NC letter) we wouldn't have had as much trouble from her.

Plus having read a gazillion stories here of folks who exposed immediately, vs. those who procrastinated, vs. those who never did, well, it's made a believer out of me.

Last edited by turtlehead; 01/15/10 09:10 PM. Reason: Timeline clarification
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Originally Posted By: turtlehead
ML, no! Running off to see it now, thanks for the heads up.


You will love it! all those years we have been relying on his radio advice and occasional posts, and now he has an official newsletter backing up what we have been saying all these years. I cheered when I read it!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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SPECTACULAR. I'd seen part of it quoted but not read it in its entirety. For some reason I thought it was in the members only private forum, not the newsletter forum. Thanks!

The newletter article on exposure

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That is his gift to us, huh? He has owed us that for a loooong time, my friend. smile


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Any advice on how to tell OP's wife ? Phone call? email? in person ? What if she does not believe me ? I know it needs to be done , but I dont even know this woman and know the pain she will feel... I will follow advice on reading additional posts on this subject. Thank you all !!!!

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Originally Posted By: blackskys
Any advice on how to tell OP's wife ? Phone call? email? in person ? What if she does not believe me ? I know it needs to be done , but I dont even know this woman and know the pain she will feel... I will follow advice on reading additional posts on this subject. Thank you all !!!!


I would call her and tell her about the affair and ask if she wants to meet up to see the evidence. When you meet with her, I would offer to exchange phone #s for followup. She can be a great ally in comparing notes to ensure the affair is killed.

When you call her, I would disguise your # using *67 so the OM doesn't see and get tipped off. Be sure and do not tip off your spouse beforehand.

It is a heartbreaking, but necessary, thing to do. Usually the victim is shocked and upset, so it is a good idea to offer your phone # or email for follow up questions that will come later.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Please read turtleheads post about exposure targets. The wider your exposure circle, the more effective the blow to the affair. It is best to do them all on the same day so it has a tsunami effect and so that you just have to deal with ONE bout of fury from the WS. Best to do it right and get that part over with so you can move onto the next phase, ie: the carrot of Plan A.

check this out: carrot and stick of Plan A


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Bump for ladylonglegs


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.

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