Hello,
I just discovered this site tonight, and altho it took me awhile to register it seems that this is the type of place I had been hoping to find. I have been to a couple of other online sites for advice and counsel, but neither turned out to be what I had been looking for.
Before I registered I read some of posts from a few of you here and I decided that this is a place that I need right now. It looks like a self-help place with caring people who have made it through some of the things I am going through now, and that is encouraging.
I don't have a lot of time tonight as I am occupied with taking care of our daughters - ages 5 and 7 -while she is out with a couple of her friends, but I at least wanted to attempt to make contact.
In the proverbial nutshell, I found out in October of last year that she had an affair with someone she met at a seminar. I found this out pretty much by accident, but the bottom line is that when I found out I confronted her with it and she agreed with me to get counseling and fortunately this was a good counselor who helped both of us get to the point where we both wanted to get our lives and our marriage back together. When I found out about the affair I was like devastated and at that time I just wanted to walk out. It was her dad who advised me to hold off from doing anything "rash" and to pursue the counseling. He is a very good person and we have a good relationship, and also, she did and still does not know that I confided in him at that time. He and her mom have been married for forty years now and she has always held out to me that she wants that same kind of lasting relationship. But anyway, I really need some advice now on the feelings I have now still about the fact that she did this. Specically during much of the last three months and with counseling I felt we and I were through the worst of it and especially with the counseling help. We have talked at some length with the help of our counselor about the obvious like the when, and who and for how long and the how and she has been willing to discuss both with me and our counselor. I did not get intp any specifics other than that and neither did our counselor. Since the Christmas week when I took a week of vacation tho I have had some really negative thoughts and now I feel almost worse than I did before. She did admit that they had sex but only two times and she admitted that to our counselor. That just was devastating. For quite awhile I couldn't deal with it, but the counselor just recommended not to focus on it at all like what is past is like past and you can't change it or her.
Well I need to disclose much more, but am sorry but right now I have to get them to bed. While I have been on here writing this they were watching a movie and now it is 10 pm. My wife will be home soon, and I know she was out with a female friend of her's just to a first run movie tonight so I am not worred about that.
I thank anyone who could give advice and I do know, again, fomr the few posts I have read here before I registered that anyone here who is willing to will need to know much more about me and us. I can do that but will have to be tomorrow. Also, it is very difficult to understand the posts because of all the abbreviations. Maybe there should be like a key for new people here.
Anyway, I am glad so far that I have found this place...it seems lot better than any other I have seen.
TomHere

Welcome to MB.

Who was the OM? Was he married and if so, does his wife know?

To me just surviving an affair wasn't enough and wouldn't be worth it. I refused to remain in a loveless marriage. Burying the past is different than overcoming it. Using MB, my wife and I have obtained a MUCH better marriage than we ever had before.

Will your wife post here too (it's alright if you just want to use this place yourself for a bit but an MB recovery eventually requires the participation and application of the principles by both spouses...though I understand if you think she's not ready yet...you may have to lead her to being open to it before bringing her here).

As far as a key for the abbreviations...

there is one HERE - The Most Common MB abbreviations

Mr. Wondering

My wife and I are working towards 'R', and we are not there yet, so I can't advise much. I can say, as you know, we all have been and are in, your shoes.

There are LOTS and LOTS of great advise on here, take your time and educate yourself.

I am almost 5 months out from Dday and I still hurt almost daily. Its not as bad as it was, but I still hurt. I went to IC and my wife and I did MC about 3 times. IC helped me realize a lot, MC was a waste of time and money, IMO.

I've learned waaaaay more on here from people who have, 'been there, done that', than I did from our marriage counselor.

I know you said you want to follow up to your post after you put the kids to bed as your wife is out, with the girls tonight.

There are people here that will say to try and pt your marriage back together. I take a different stance. You cant put your marriage back together if you are BROKEN. SAVE YOURSELF first, then worry about your MARRIAGE and your family. It is STUPID to worry about your M if you ARE BROKEN. ARE YOU BROKEN, if not, lets work on your MARRIAGE..DUDE

Infidelity is one of the worst emotional traumas that can be inflicted on a person. It's up there with death, rape, and other abuses.

Don't simply dismiss your feelings or let anyone let you feel they are wrong.

It wasn't like your wife accidentally had an affair. It was something purposely done and not to be easily dismissed.

Tell your wife how you feel.

Find the articles on this site and start a plan to help you in your recovery.

TH,

Have you read the articles on this site? If not you might want to. It will help you with the terminology and the abbreviations. It will also help you understand some of the dynamics of marriages and affairs. We cannot help too much until we hear the rest of the story but you did say something that I think you really need to consider. You said

I am sure the counselor is trying to ease you back into things, but...ignoring the elephant in the room doesn't make it go away. I don't know if it is something specific or just the general fact that she violated her vows, put you at risk for getting an STD, or she has indicated that it was something special. It could be all of these things or none, but I can assure you that not thinking about it is going to cause you to "think about it".

I will also tell you that roughly around 6 months and sometimes earlier most betrayed spouses, BS, hit an anger wall. It is speculated that this occurs because initially the BS is trying to save the marriage, but when it starts to look as if it can be saved they wonder "is it worth it?" "how can I ever trust her?" "What if she does it again?" "isn't there a woman out there that could honor their vows?" These questions and more will lead to anxiety, frustration, fear, etc and all of these primary emotions lead to anger, a secondary emotion.

I hope your W has begun to work on the marriage with you. If you read the articles on this site you will see that Dr. Harley is big on PLANS. I mean real plans with milestones, check points, evaluation points, action items, and reevaluation points. Do you and your W has such a plan? If not you should. Does your W know why she violated her own vows, her marriage, you, and even the dream to have a 40+ year marriage like her parents? Has she identified her weak boundaries or lack of boundaries? If not she should, and then she needs to come up with a plan to do that, and you need to know about it.

There is so much more to say, but please read the articles, and ask lots of questions.

God Bless,

JL

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