Hi, I tuned in late to this post.

Use Checkmate to investigate her undergarments. DNA with tell you who it is.

Google "Checkmate" kits

Imagine,

My wife moved out 3 months ago, so getting access to her undergarments is all but impossible.

I see one problem with exposure. Suppose I call both my IL's and the OM'sW, and the affair ends. Why would my wife want to come back to me? Would she not say that both her lover and husband are losers?

I did not meet all of my wife's 5 EN's. I did not provide for her financially. I did not make her feel special and cherished. She had it tough. She's working full time with 2 kids younger than 3. Breaking up her affair doesn't necessarily make me more attractive in her eyes.

---

Me: BS, 39
Her: WW, 32
2 young kids
EA Fall '08; move out fall '09
Never lived together; married 5 years

Ummmm, yes it does! It shows her you are willing to fight! Willing to change! Willing to do what it takes to meet her needs.

Do it.

Look at it this way, MJ: If you don't expose she won't come back anyway. So why not play the odds?

No, you probably didn't. And she didn't meet all of yours, either. This does not excuse or justify the decision she made to commit adultery. You can't blame yourself for that.

You are beating yourself up needlessly. Which is not to say it's unexpected. Your wife has put you in the position of believing it's all your fault, that you were a bad husband and that you are to blame. It's the pure manipulation done by a WS to alter the playing field. Don't buy into it.

You ARE the man she married. The OM is a fantasy. It's necessary to destroy the fantasy so that your wife realizes you are the better man.

You ARE the better man.

That's why the BH does a plan A. It teaches hum how to meet his WW's needs. He meets them. WW sees the change in BH.

Thanks mfoss2212, Fred in Va, and The Road. Your encouragement means a lot to me.

One question: Isn't it better if WW reveals the affair to the BH than if the BH exposes the affair to her parents and the OM'sW?

My wife all but acknowledged her affair today. When I kept saying that she was in an outside relationship, she denied it only once, and then meekly. She even asked at one point, "How would you know?"

I wonder if I might be able to get her to reveal to me. Over the last three weeks, her resistance to my questions about her A has eroded.

------

Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 32
2 young kids
Never lived together; married 5 years
EA: fall '08; wife moved out fall '09

MJ,

This was the approach our counselor used. I suspected A and he was very persuasive to end all snooping.

The problem-that was 11 years ago and it took another 10 years of occasionally asking to get FWW to reveal. WS want to keep their secrets secret.

rc2009,

Sorry to hear the news. That has to be painful. Did the counselor justify his or her decision on the grounds that trust trumped the truth?

No way to justify lying.

My wife today agreed to talk about her affair. She didn't agree to a day or time, only that she would. She hesitated and resisted. But she knows I know, and perhaps she wants me to find her out. I'm relieved. She finally fessed up, although not by admitting anything specifically. Am I right to take her tacit admission as a sign of hope?

She said one interesting thing: I wouldn't want to listen to what she has to say. Could this mean she and the OM are serious? I'm doubtful. He has two kids of his own, neither of which are his. And he's married, though his wife lives in another state.

--

Me, BH: 39
Her, WW: 32
2 young kids
Never lived together; married 5 years, known each other 9
EA fall '08; move out fall '09
D-day: 01/22/10

That's a classic line used by a "protector liar": she justifies deceit because the truth would hurt you.

Start practicing your "thank you for being honest" line now. Learn to not interrupt, not contradict what she has to say, and think of techniques for rewarding her for her honesty. It's a Pavlovian thing: if you punish her when she's honest, she'll be honest less. If you reward her, take some time to internalize what she has to say, and present your concerns and/or questions later in a different context, she'll be more likely to be honest again.

I sometimes hate what my FWW has to say, particularly when it displays ongoing "fog". But I don't hammer her with the truth when I think she's acting foggy. I thank her for her emotional honesty, and share my FEELINGS rather than my facts. It helps.

Reward every move toward honesty.

Remember, the affair itself will cause consequences on your spouse. You don't need -- or want -- to be the agent of those consequences, nor do you want to protect her from them. Restrain every impulse to punish her. You are persuading her to be your wife fully again, not browbeating her or insisting on penance in a way you deem appropriate.

Thanks, Doormat No More. I will reward her honesty. Don't interrupt or contradict. Doing both will be difficult but also necessary.

By the way, isn't there a list of questions a BS should ask a WS?

There's not an exhaustive list, and you'll probably come up with many questions after she talks to you. I'm about a year out from D-Day, and I came up with new questions for months.
Only you can decide what your questions will be. Maybe: Where did you go? What did you do? How did you do it?
I wanted every little gritty detail of my H's A. That might not be the case with you. And she may not be very forthcoming with info at first. It will help if you try to stay calm and encourage her to continue talking once she gets started.
I got new info a little at a time over the first month after D-Day as I thought of new questions or needed him to expand on old answers. That was hard for me, because I kept thinking that I didn't have the whole picture. So one day I called H at work and told him that I wanted to sit down that evening, face to face, and go over every day of the A in as much detail as possible. I wanted to create a more seamless timeline than what I had in my head at that point.
I was able to remain calm throughout by realizing that this was my best friend, someone who got himself into a terrible situation, and I wanted help him as he dealt with what he'd done. It was very cathartic for both of us.

Michael -

I have some questions for you. First, how old are your children?

Second, what has the PI found? You mentioned he/she was working on it this week.

Third, what made WW decide to chose that particular location to move to? Does OM live there?

Fourth: your WW has removed the children from the marital home and moved them across state lines. Let me guess: the 2.5 days a week you have them are Friday nights and all weekend? Are you babysitting your children while WW can party with OM?

Fifth: have you spoken to an attorney regarding finding out what your rights are and getting those kids HOME? If not, when do you plan to do so?

Sixth: have you spoken to OMW? If not, when do you plan to do so?

Bitbucket,

Thanks for your questions. Here are my answers:

1) Our kids are 2.5 and 1.

2) I skipped the PI. My WW all but disclosed today.

3) WW moved to her new town because it's close to our kids' day care and her work. Whether she did so because it's in the same town as her OM is unclear.

4) I have the girls Thursday, Friday, and most of Saturday.

5) I talked with an attorney about my rights. He said I can't do anything to order my kids back with me.

6) I have not spoken to OMW, because I seem to be making progress with my WW. Not good enough in your view?

Not good snough for you and your M. You are paying no attention to the advice that you have asked for. These good people who have taken their time to post to you know how to break up an A and save a M. You obviously do not. If you want to save your M call the OMW now.

God's Blessing's,

Say

Exposure to the OMW is critical to ending the affair. It was assuredly the deciding factor in my wife ending hers.

You should also expose to everybody else who might support you in this difficult time, or who might have an influence on your wife's affair. This includes her parents, your parents, her siblings, your siblings, children (though yours are very young, I don't know if I'd try to approach it below age 4 or 5), the other man's wife, the other man's parents, the other man's friends...

You get my point. Anybody who might have an investment, friendship, or relationship with you, your wife, or the other man should know, and you should try to contact them all on the same day because you can be CERTAIN that your wayward wife will explode on you when that happens.

If she's moved out while having an affair, it's for one reason only: to give more time to the other man without the guilt of having you look her in the eye every day.

Period.

End of discussion. That is the truth. The other reasons are excuses.

Michael, consider this:

It's called NUCLEAR EXPOSURE for a reason. The affair is 'ground zero.' When the bomb drops, the blast radius emanates in every direction. Its most powerful affect is that it strikes EVERYBODY close to ground zero. That includes the family, friends, associates -- EVERYBODY.

Haven't we learned in today's world the problem with engaging in pulled-punches wars? When we telegraph our moves, when we hold back on obliterating targets of opportunity, WE LOSE.

How badly do you want to WIN?

I take the point that ending the affair will take the efforts of more than my WW and I. It's a communal effort. But the WW has agreed to talk with me about her A. Why punish her now?

As Doormat No More says, the WW needs to be rewarded for her honesty. I'll tell the OM'sW and possibly my in-laws, but telling anybody else will infuriate my WW.

I know, I know: temporary anger is better than a long-term affair. But let me hear what the WW has to say. Then I'll decide whether to tell everyone who'll support me and my marriage.