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Pep: Great idea!!

Tabby:

He has given special gifts in the past and received special gifts. However he won't admit that he did this. He also would by stuff to cheer up females when they were having a bad day(not the one in the EA) I was surprised after all we went through that he still felt this was ok to do.

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I want to add that, regardless of marital status of any party involved, if a manager sent a note to an employee regarding something personal, such as, "Your hair looks great today" or anything of that nature, that would be sexual harrassment. NO management class of any kind would be promoting that. I think your WH is trying to snow you.

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Originally Posted by bjs
Pep: Great idea!!

Tabby:

He has given special gifts in the past and received special gifts. However he won't admit that he did this. He also would by stuff to cheer up females when they were having a bad day(not the one in the EA) I was surprised after all we went through that he still felt this was ok to do.

Total snowjob right here!! In fact, this is grossly inappropriate in the work place. Gifts to raise morale are done for the whole office (usually candy or donuts around here and our manager usually contributes to our section Christmas party out of his own pocket as well). Gifts to an individual?? Never - unless it is part of a reward for something and then it's usually announced.

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Originally Posted by bjs
However he won't admit that he did this. He also would by stuff to cheer up females when they were having a bad day(not the one in the EA) I was surprised after all we went through that he still felt this was ok to do.

This is a HUGE redflag


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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by bjs
However he won't admit that he did this. He also would by stuff to cheer up females when they were having a bad day(not the one in the EA) I was surprised after all we went through that he still felt this was ok to do.

This is a HUGE redflag

Thank you both again for responses.

I think that is what is bothering me the most today is that even after discussing this in the past about this that he still feels that it's ok. HOwever now he is saying only if other people know about it. That what makes this wrong is doing it in secret. However I thought that that would be a great cover up for the wife. "Hey everyone in the office saaw that I did this."

The other one that bothered me was that he said flirting was ok up to a point however he stated that he doesn't flirt. I told him everytime he kids around with a female he is flirting. He agreed. But thinks that its ok to do but can lead to a slippery slope.

grumble twoxfour faint

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Originally Posted by bjs
[quote=Pepperband] HOwever now he is saying only if other people know about it. That what makes this wrong is doing it in secret.

Excuse me. Nooo
What makes this behavior wrong is that it worries/bothers/hurts his wife. YOU!



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Originally Posted by bjs
I told him everytime he kids around with a female he is flirting. He agreed. But thinks that its ok to do but can lead to a slippery slope.

He's forgetting something very important.

It's a WITHDRAWL FROM YOUR LOVE BANK --- AKA --- LOVE BUSTER rant2 naughty

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Even if it were NOT a step onto a slippery slope - it makes his wife UNhappy. banghead

Go with that. It's a fact H must face.

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I'd add "Start with a deeply flawed individual, someone more selfish and less empathetic than normal."

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Bumping

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Zelmo do you mean ALL WS's. It's a funny thing. When I was 14 I was asked by my teacher to look after one of the girls in my class. She had a horrible home life and caused a lot of trouble at school. My teacher asked me because I wasn't selfish and had so much empathy. That sort of thing has happened to me all my life. I'm always being asked to look after lame ducks because I make a difference to them. People say to me "you made such a difference to so and so, they're a different person."

Somehow, I don't think that makes me selfish and less empathetic or deeply flawed.

My H adores me. We laugh a lot in our house. He doesn't think I'm deeply flawed. My kids adore me - they talk to me for hours about their worries and problems and their joys and triumphs.

Every leaving card or reference letter mentions my "warmth and friendliness" - yep, I must be deeply flawed.


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{{{{Jen}}}}},

You've been around long enough to know that not ALL of the M's on here recover. A lot of them don't even get a chance. Hence, where some posts come from.....

YOU know who you are, your H knows who YOU are, your friends and family know who you are....keep THAT knowledge.

not2fun

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bump

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jh1108

this bump's for you

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
EDIT TO ADD:

Apparently, there ARE people who have NEVER shared/discussed a common interest with a member of the opposite sex. I have been corrected.

If YOU are such a person, please share WHY you NEVER shared or discussed common interests with a member of the opposite sex.

Thanks ~

((Raising hand))

I never did it (even before marriage) because I instinctively know that my romantic partner should be the only person of the opposite sex to share common interests / activities with. My parents were a great example of that. IMO, sharing common interests / activities with a member of the opposite sex builds bonds which threatens your romantic relationship.

It just always seemed obviously inappropriate to me that I should go rock climbing or to the Star Trek convention with JIM if I am exclusively dating John or married to Tom. It would be OK for me to do those things with other females though because the bonds formed there are different. I am not romantically attracted to females.

The same thing goes for discussing probs in the relationship with another male. Inappropriate bonds start to form.

Does that make sense?

*Thanks for the link Fred.

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Originally Posted by ChrisInNOVA
[quote=
((Raising hand))

I never did it (even before marriage) because I instinctively know that my romantic partner should be the only person of the opposite sex to share common interests / activities with. My parents were a great example of that. IMO, sharing common interests / activities with a member of the opposite sex builds bonds which threatens your romantic relationship.

It just always seemed obviously inappropriate to me that I should go rock climbing or to the Star Trek convention with JIM if I am exclusively dating John or married to Tom. It would be OK for me to do those things with other females though because the bonds formed there are different. I am not romantically attracted to females.

The same thing goes for discussing probs in the relationship with another male. Inappropriate bonds start to form.

Does that make sense?

*Thanks for the link Fred.

But. You're doing that right now, on this forum.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Not exactly. I am referring to the "seeking comfort" behavior that some people try to do with members of the opposite sex which leads to inappropriate closeness and bonded feelings.

This forum is awesome because we're all providing assistance to each otherand we really don't get to see each other, smell each others pheremones, share knowing glances, and share intimacies which are a threat to our marriages.

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LOL, I remember this thread!

I'm sure I've stated it earlier in this thread, but unless you confine yourself to your house, never answering the phone or going online for any purpose - not even shopping or anything, and only leave in the presence of your spouse or a same sex friend wearing a burka, you cannot avoid interacting with members of the opposite sex. And these interactions virtually always involve common interests. Even showing up a Walmart because something you want is on sale - everyone else buying that same thing has a COMMON INTEREST!!!.

I'm sorry but all of you who say you never do it are here visiting a public, online BB with an anonymous name posting very personal information about your marriage and your spouse - all behind his or her back to boot!! I realize there's a good reason you are here, anonymously and without your spouse knowing, but nevertheless, you ARE doing it.

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Tabby,

IMO the issue is not random interaction, it's actively sharing common interests..and when I think of that I think of arranging to meet to watch sci-fi films, work out, bike riding, or painting ONE ON ONE / not in a group setting. This will enable forming bonds with someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse.

As far as this forum, I have already shared my views on that. We aren't forming bonds the way I described above, also we are doing this to help our marriages.

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Originally Posted by ChrisInNOVA
Not exactly. I am referring to the "seeking comfort" behavior that some people try to do with members of the opposite sex which leads to inappropriate closeness and bonded feelings.

This forum is awesome because we're all providing assistance to each otherand we really don't get to see each other, smell each others pheremones, share knowing glances, and share intimacies which are a threat to our marriages.
Many affairs are conducted online without phermones or knowing glances. I'm sure there are a couple of threads on the first page right now (even if right now to you when you read this is days or weeks from when I write it).

I'm not trying to be difficult here or trying to accuse anyone of anything. I'm just pointing out how common it is to share common interests with MANY people, regardless of their sex. It's not the common interest sharing that is a threat to the marriage, it is the boundaries in which you conduct and protect yourself with while doing so.

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