We're good in the UA department, Dude - thanks for your concern...

Mrs. W

I smell a rat on this one. Sorry calypso1.

It makes me want to vomit. Your poor H does deserve better. If you really feel he's such a great catch in every way, what give with the A? I also think that he is busting his a$$ to be a good H and father while you stew in your own feces.

I know men are this way too, but if you want "love, romance" like a knight in shining armour, you need to get your head examined. How do you think he feels. Women want these things and they're angered over men who want a petite blonde with big boobs his is always hot and heavy for sex.

You need to cough up your story, and I'm guessing there's more to this story than you would share to him or MB forum out of fogginess.

I knew my H was a good catch in every way too, themud. I always thought he was a good man, a good H and a good father and I always loved him, even during the A. Calypso's post could have been written by me at the same time of recovery they're at (and, in fact, I'm sure I wrote a very similar post at one time). I don't smell any rats.

It absolutely can be like that again by following the Marriage Builders concepts in your marriage.

By learning to meet each others most important Emotional Needs, Avoiding Love Busters, being totally honest with each other in all things including emotional honesty, and spending time together doing things you both enjoy you can have a marriage that is full of the same kinds of feelings that you once had.

What will never be the same is the exclusive nature of your relationship or the knowledge that you were once the only one for each other. Even when we heal from injury we carry the scars and unfortunately this will be the case if your marriage recovers. The trust for the sake of trust will be gone. Trust will have to be something that is earned by being trustworthy rather than something that is bestowed for no reason.

It will never be a fairy tale or a fantasy since those things were never real to begin with. You can have the feelings that permeate those fairy tales but they will have to be something that is based on reality rather than the fantasy that they just happen and just are. That pretend world is what results in affairs since an affair is merely a fantasy, albeit one with very real consequences.

Mark

Thank you for taking the time to reply everyone. There were so many questions to address and I will try to answer them.
The OM left town 9 months ago. I do still work in the same place and initially was very triggered but that has gotten better with time.
My husband wants to recover the marriage and always has. He loves me (I really don't know why but he does) He wants me to love him back just as much. I want to love him back because it is what he wants and what he deserves (to be loved in return).
Some days are better than others. I was asked what specific feelings I want. Well, I want to look forward to him coming home. I want to crave affection from him. I want to give him affection freely without it feeling forced. Basically I want to meet his needs because I want to make him happy. When you love someone, making them happy makes you happy. That in a nutshell is what I'm wanting to get back. I use to feel that way about him. Before the A, I was always the one begging for affection, attention and time from him. He never really cared so much for it. Now, it seems the roles have reversed.

We probably don't spend 15 hours a week alone. We haven't counted but I imagine it would be very difficult to accomplish with 2 small children and full time jobs. We do have lunch together 2-3 times per week (just us). Take walks. Talk on the phone regularly during the day. We've hired a baby sitter a few times and went out in the last couple of months. It is difficult to get time alone because we have no family in town so we always have to hire someone when we go out. We are and always have been good friends. We enjoy the same things recreational speaking and we are able to cut up with one another and laugh even about some of the hard times we've experienced lately. The relationship is more like a good friends type relationship and we both would like for it to be more than that.

Pepperband,
God's people are capable of doing some pretty terrible things sometimes. Read the story of King David in the Bible. His story is a prime example. The loss of my witness because of what I've done is one of the things that bothers me the most. Because now people look at me and say "Some Christian she is, look at what she has done." The only thing I can offer is don't put your faith in people (we will let you down because we are far from perfect) put your faith in God.

Anyway just wanted to thank you guys especially Mr and Mrs Wondering, Writer, Kiwi and Staytogether.

Make the time. It's important.


You made time to have a six year adultery.
Make time for your marriage.