My WH came today to take DS to the movies. I had been feeling so strong and motivated, but am really hurting now after seeing him. He hugged and kissed DS goodbye and told him he loved him and then waved to me and said "bye".

It just hurts so much. I'm kind of used to being away from him because he was deployed, but then I could always look forward to his coming home and loving me. Now he waves.

It was very hard to be strong while he was gone; I missed him so much. But then there was an end date to it all. This feels like it will never end. I miss him and love him so much and feel so helpless.

My WH came today to take DS to the movies. I had been feeling so strong and motivated, but am really hurting now after seeing him. He hugged and kissed DS goodbye and told him he loved him and then waved to me and said "bye".

It just hurts so much. I'm kind of used to being away from him because he was deployed, but then I could always look forward to his coming home and loving me. Now he waves.

It was very hard to be strong while he was gone; I missed him so much. But then there was an end date to it all. This feels like it will never end. I miss him and love him so much and feel so helpless.

I really think I'm messing up here. I went to check my mail (30 min away) in the town where WH now lives. I had some clothes packed for him, so I brought them along to drop on his porch (he was supposed to be at work, or so he told me). I pulled up and his truck was there, so our son said he'd go take the bag to him. He did and also asked WH if he could come in and see the pets that WH had taken. WH said no.

He left a message 20 min later for our son saying that he didn't mean to be rude but that he had been drinking beers and didn't think he should see that. The funny part is that the few days he was home from Iraq before he left forever, he drank like a fish in front of our son. When my WH and I first met, he was a drinking fiend; an alcoholic. We both stopped drinking and didn't drink our whole marriage pretty much(the only exceptions were a toast on New Years and he'd always get trashed when he'd go out of town for business; so badly in fact that he'd be sick in bed for days and we'd have to buy him a new plane ticket and extra nights in the hotel to recover).

Our son was so hurt that he has been crying ever since and praying in front of the Christmas tree (no I haven't taken it down yet. Christmas was sad and I keep thinking we will get over this and can feel the spirit; I'm losing hope)

Also my step daughter texted me and told me how much she missed me and how she can't handle this divorce.

Watching my son sob for hours and my step daughters texts led me to email my husband a very emotional email telling him how our family was worth saving and telling him how much we all loved him and missed him so much and how much we appreciated him.

I now think that may have been a mistake. I have been so calm and cool; at least while he is around, and then I blow it by pouring my heart out.

What now?

I've been doing Plan A, but I keep messing up. I think it's because it has all happened so fast. The time between Dday and being served D papers was less than a month. It's extra hard because he had been gone for so long prior to all of this.

I want to go plan B, but can't hardly bear the thought. First of all I want to have had a strong plan A; which I always mess up somehow. Secondly, I'm scared I won't ever see him again; he's quitting his job and moving across country to be with OW. Thirdly, I have to talk to him because of the divorce mediation.

Any thoughts? It's hopeless, huh.

EAM, it's never hopeless. Keep in mind that most affairs die under their own weight. Plan A is geared toward hastening that end. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. No guarantees.

Plan B is about being loving to yourself. The emotional violence caused by an affair can cause physical illness as well as psychological damage. Plan B is about healing yourself. Only when you are healed can your marriage be rebuilt, anyway.

And if your husband never returns, Plan B has prepared you for life without him. Believe it or not, Plan B is a win-win situation.

Mess up a Plan A? You haven't seen a messed up Plan A until you read mine (in signature block). I had less than a week to implement Plan A, and I didn't have the first clue.

What comes out of this is the knowledge that you did your best. No matter what. It's not about messing up, it's about trying. If you tried hard and gave it your best, then you can take comfort in knowing that you did what you could. It's like what the old coach said to his players: If you have anything left when you come off the field, why didn't you give it your all?

I know I'm not the best at giving advice. My Plan A sucked. My Plan B is near perfect. And I'm 99.999% certain divorce is a short way up the road. And I'm OK with that. Because I gave it a shot. I tried to see if I could save my marriage. I left it all on the field.

Be strong, EAM. Whatever happens, you will survive. And you'll be a better person no matter how low your husband sinks.

Thanks Fred! I feel like I had zero time to do plan A. I foud this site way too late. It's all been so quick. My Dday was 6 days after yours and I got divorce papers before you hit plan B, so it is all so shocking to me. My husband was my very best friend.

I could maybe deal with, "I don't love you anymore", but he says, "I never loved you" for six years? It hurts so much. It was so hard for me to fully trust anyone, but i put all my trust in him.

I guess I'm just so afraid I'll never be able to love again; to trust again.

Yep, I was right. It was a mistake. I wrote WH telling him our marriage is worth saving and he wrote back every cruel thing he could think. He knows me so well and knows how to hurt me. It cuts like a knife through my already broken heart. I really am sad but I am feeling such hate for him now. He's saying he's going to throw me and our son on the street and we'll be lucky if we get our clothes.

I'm giving up. It hurts too much to love someone who doesn't love you back. Just a few months ago I was his whole world. I can't take the pain anymore.

Affairs turn some of the most loving people into the most horrid examples of sub-humanity imaginable. Knowing EXACTLY what you're going through only allows me to empathize and send you a virtual hug.


{{{{{{ ExpectsAMiracle }}}}}}

Don't worry all, I won't post here again. I wish you all the best of luck!

Does he have parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins to whom you can pass along his email?

"Hi all, I just wanted to let you guys know what's been going on in our lives. Here's the latest:
"

What are you talking about?

Please don't stop posting. We are hear to listen and help where we can, even if it is just encouragement.

I think that his threats are not him talking. He has either been goaded into saying that or he is having a bad time and taking it out on you, in the way he knows how.

I know it's easy for me to say, but try not to think too much about what he wrote. Forward the e-mail onto people to let them know what you are dealing with and then file it away.

TM

Thanks Cat. I did that, although I only have his brothers email. His mom and dad don't have one.

It's just so frustrating. I wish I had somewhere else to turn, but my husband ensured that he destroyed all my friendships and moved me up here in the middle of nowhere.Yes it's beautiful here. But... What once seemed like paradise, now seems like hell. I'm so isolated. I messed up and wrote him an email saying our marriage was worth saving. He wrote back saying every mean thing imaginable. I'm doing my best to be strong, but it's so hard.

Stop contacting him. If he wants to, he knows where you are. That way, you don't put yourself up to be hurt.

It doesn't have to be Plan B but can lead into that if you want. Not contacting him will help take your mind off him and focus on yourself - it worked for me.

Thanks Travel; that is great advice. Boy what a day! WH and his lawyer with more threats. WH finally caves and is supposedly giving me my way in the settlement. We'll see... But the best part of the day was the phone call I got from OWXH. How enlightening! I had a little doubt as to if it were her or not; all doubts are now gone! OWXH confirmed for certain. Said their D was final mid-Nov. Says he's not sure if my WH was the reason for the D or not. Is very upset and very concerned for his kids who he says will be living with my WH. I explained what WH had done to our son and he is now even more concerned. I explained that I learned from WH family that he had cheated our whole marriage. I also explained that WH XW was constantly after him and she is a prostitute. We both agreed to keep our coorespondence a secret and he said i could call anytime.

At what point does one decide that enough is enough? The kinder I am to him the madder he gets. He has been giving me expensive gifts too; which I mistook for care (really I think it's guilt). I still love him and don't want to hurt him, but I also can't bear the thought that he's going to go play house with the OW. Should I wait a while and see if the affair fizzles? He has been overtly cruel to me and to our son and I really feel I'm losing my niceness. I could use a niceness pep talk.

I think you need an "un-niceness" pep talk.

It's insanity to respond with patience to this kind of abuse.

Silence is much more effective.

And an intermediary.

Yesterday would have been a good time to stop being "nice".

Nice is something you have my permission to be and do FOR YOURSELF. And being nice to you means cutting off contact for people who don't know how to play nice in the sandbox yet.

Thanks Kayla, yea nice is not the best plan right now. What I'm saying I guess is that I feel a strong urge to be mean. I'm trying so hard to be patient, but it's running very thin.I know as I feel it would only give him more justification for his actions.