hi new here, Wife 40 told me ilubnilwy,she's in long distance A with single male overseas. talks to him in her native spanish often. where do i begin? I read some and it's said not to discuss our relationship. So what to do step by step? Please

Gary,

Take a deep breath. I'm sorry you have to be here. Go to main web page and read the articles. It will bring up to speed when those with more experience get here. It's late, be patient, it will be more active in the morning.

Have you confronted her already?

If so, what did she say?

You need to expose the affair.
Tell WW parents and her siblings.
If possible cut off her means of contacting OM.

she has only sister and brother. no parents. They know but are keeping out of it. She knows i know, but i'm afraid to give an ultimatum! She's seen the guy twice this year on trips abroad. They maintain phone contact. She's cake-eating and a weak, scared fool is enabling. How do i proceed in a way that I may save the marriage. Is it possible?? I've heard it is possible, but tricky and delicate. Right now i am drained.

Hi and welcome. Hope you have read all of the stuff here and have ordered some books.

The first thing for you to realize is that the other man is meeting some of her emotional needs that you are not meeting. So read up on Plan A, and figure out what he is doing that you are not.

You don't need to give her an ultimatum. Just spend about 2 months in Plan A, showing her what a great husband you can be.

Also let her know that you will do what is necessary to save the marriage. Then talk to her brother and sister, and ask them for support in saving your marriage.

Can you give us more info about the state of the marriage? Does your wife work outside of the home? What have been some of her complaints over the years? Have you addressed them?

I am afraid that when i say "stop, it's him or me" , she'll chose him and walk. Afraid to lose her for good. We've been together 12 years, alot of good times, shared experiences, things in common. I've never been abusive nor distant nor apathetic. She said she feels lack of excitement. Loves me, but....

Hard to swallow for me. This is why i'm here...for hope, guidance, direction ,support. Please help .

i've read and am reading some books, forums, etc... I've really been showing what a good husband i am. She has even told others what a great guy she has. But she's told me over the past few yars that she feels BORED, even though we vacation, go out alot, see friends,etc... She works in our home with me tending the office( small health field.) Kid is older, at college. She just started a part time job at health club outside home. Life is not really a struggle as we earn a decent living. Her main and only complaint has been lack of passion. I've not been a tiger in the bedroom, but she's always said she has a low libido and sex wasn't so important to her. Now she claims it's very important , BUT she doesn't Feel it with me. I tried and tried and tried, but it's been two months since any intimacy. YET...she continues to cuddle at nite in bed. It confuses me??

Yes, i'm afraid of LIMBO. As far as ultimatum, friends and family have suggested that.Tough love book talks about asking spouse to leave or chose. ??

son MAY be aware but hasn't really asked. HE'S a teen , caught up in teen stuff ,college, girls, ... He is my stepson and we have a pretty good relationship but i don't realy want to burden him.

I should also say that wife TOLD me that she Thinks that she is possibly SABOTAGING out relationship because she may DEEP down feel unworthy of me?? She flat out refuses therapy to examine this. I'm not sure, but i do suspect her childhood in south america may have something to do with this. She has told me she was ABUSED when she was young by some male family friends. She won't elaborate, but no father was Ever present and mother had lots of male friends. It's complicated, but i love this woman!

Sorry to be wimpy here. I don't know how to answer that. I , OF COURSE, want it to stop !!! I Don't know how to stop it. Some say expose it . Some don't. I'm trying to read up where i can. Going to read Dr. Harley. Also reading "Divorce Remedy "book. My head spins sometimes. Trying to be strong!!! Need Support!!

How??? do i kill an affair period? let alone a long distance affair with someone in south america whom i've little chance of knowing about. I don't speak much spanish so spying is hard. I am willing (BUT SCARED) to do what it takes. Please help me out here. What do the experienced people on this board suggest??