http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=019927

YOU ARE NOT GOING INSANE.

Your WH however is, and quite typically.

Listen to what Pepperband is telling you, read up on Plan A and the carrot and the stick. Learn about A's, what drives them, how you can protect yourself and to also learn that is the same thing OVER and OVER again in all situations.

You aren't alone, we have all been through this, shared the same feelings that you have. We understand and can help you strategize to get through this.

But you have to be strong, you have to trust and sometimes you will need to be called upon to do things that are hard and may seem backwards.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2029218#Post2029218

Inside the WW's mind

Talks about fog babble and typical WW script from a FWW

Thanks Nesre, just what the Dr. ordered. mymissy, please read that link. It will help so much.

All of this honesty today was prompted by my leaving the house last night, I wnt to my brothers. My WS apparently thought I might not come back and did not like the prospect.
Today he has written the letter of NC and sent, deleted his personal e-mail, (watched him do that), broke and gave me the pre-paid phone he was using, and we have changed his cell phone number, (he asked me to do that, since I am the account holder).
Wow, it has been an emotional day. I realize this is only the first half of the first step maybe to regaining some sort of reconcile.
What do I do now as he goes through the "withdrawal" of the A?
Is there a formula for the support he needs, while I still deal with all of the emotion of the entire roller coaster ride?

Missy, I'd start by reading Step to Recover from an affair/infidelity in marriage. Watch the video and read all of the sub-articles.

Again, I advise caution. It may be that your husband is truly repentant, but this almost seems too easy and too fast. He may be trying to misdirect your attention by making you believe he is coming back to work on the marriage.

Did you read the NC letter? Did you send it? Don't forget, new prepaid phones and free email accounts are easy to come by. You can get a better sense of his sincerity by asking him for all of his computer/email passwords, and complete transparency. He should also be willing to answer any and all questions you might have about his affair.

It's been said that "recovery is not for wimps." This is going to take some real strength on your part, as well as commitment by your husband. I truly hope you are on the path to recovery. If you are, I think this will be the fastest I've read since coming here!

I read the letter and saw that it had been sent, and watched him delete the e-mail account - which does have so many days where it can be re-activated. You are right however, as easy as it was to set those things up - I do realize that he could go out and just get a new pre-paid phone and new e-mail.
I guess for just today I am going on faith and will see how it all unfolds.
I have read the steps to recover and am ordering the video.
I am hoping that he will eventually join me in counseling.
Trying to do baby steps.
And you are right, after reading many of the stories here - it almost seems to easy. Although it has not felt that way.

Trust but verify.

God's Blessings,

Say

What saynomore said. Couldn't have said it better myself.

Written by SexyMamaBear



Originally Posted By: Pepperband

1. WHAT did you do that you wish you'd done differently?



I wish I had known that waywards ask to come home before they are ready to come home.

I wish I had required more and not felt so afraid that doing so would "chase him away". The wayward wasn't worth keeping and needed chased away.

I wish I had looked for the heart change before I opened my heart back up. Sooooooo much damage was done during the FR....so so much....


Quote:

2. WHAT clues did you miss (or ignore) that your WS was not ready for recovery?



I didn't ignore or miss the clues once he was home. I just didn't know what to do about it because I had already allowed him back home.

IB was much WORSE.

Hurtful words and actions from a man who had never said or done a hurtful thing to me pre-A.

Basically, he kept his entire wayward personality. I only saw a glimpse or two of my husband...the night I let him come home, and a few other times after that. Then...the alien completely consumed him.



Quote:

3. WHAT lessons did you learn that you'd like to pay forward to others, so that they might avoid a FR?

Thanks!



The rules need to change after a FR.

I was "in it" the first two times around (2 FRs). I was willing to keep Plan Aing and help him through withdrawal . But those days were long gone when he approached me again about reconciliation.

It's time to up the bar and NOT LOWER IT when real hubby makes a brief appearance.

WAIT.

There's too much pain in a FR to risk it.

Well, I am watching and waiting at this point. He has sent the letter of NC (i am sure), new phone number, destroyed pre-paid cell. I do not know if we are at reconciliation yet (I am unsure as well).

Time Line

D day 12/31/09 (new years eve will never be the same)
found MB 01/05/10
1st FR 01/08/10
2nd D day 01/20/10 (OW H informed still in contact)
Plan A 01/23/10am (heard all the fogbabble-painful)
01/23/10pm (WS thought I had left for good and I told him to go a head and leave if he wanted to be with her, he did not like the prospect of this reality, asked if I would help him break the contact since he had been unable)
01/24/10am ? Step one towards recovery (letter of NC written and sent, made phone contact more difficult, gave me passwords to email).
01/25/10 New day, new week, yet ever watchful and diligent, I do not trust him, yet am attempting to be supportive through withdrawal. I am keeping a slight distance to him (a supportive hug only-not like first FR). Above all I have remained calm with no emotional outbursts, provided him with conversation (which first on his list of EN), provided a warm home. However I think I will still go to my MD and get chemical assistance.
01/26/10 I start counseling.

Well, we are continuing on in this new found (and much needed)place of much less drama. I still feel like I am in survival mode, yet following the carrot and stick plan makes it easier to remain calm. I believe that has definitely helped the situation.
We continue to have moments of honest discussions and many feelings are being revealed.
I asked him yesterday if it was hard not hearing from her, he said honestly it was a relief to not have to deal with the entire situation and just focus on work. (I think I may be getting glimpses of the person I used to know).
I start counseling tonight, he stated he is not ready, that to much has happened in the past 48 hours (I agree) and needs a little more time to process. He says he is tired of everyone (except me) telling him what he should feel and should do, and is not ready for a counselor to do the same.
He said maybe by the next week he would be interested in started individual counseling. Part of me thinks he is not ready to recommit?
I question if I can live with all of this.
I panic if I can not reach him by phone, I think all of this is an elaborate scheme they cooked up to buy time, he has reassured me it is not. Will I ever trust again? I feel that we are in such a fragile place and I am treading very lightly.
Any words of wisdom are welcome.

I have just read your thread. My WH & I are newly embarking on the road to recovery also. I am terrified of a FR. What were the signs? He is not living @ home & it's very hard to rebuild trust when you aren't sure what he's doing.

I wish I could answer that for you, I am to new to this and did not recognize signs. The FR seemed forced - I was trying way to hard to meet all of his EN (RIGHT NOW). It did not feel natural the way we had always been.
Then the minute he was back out of town, I could sense a change in how he was communicating to me and that is when OW spouse phoned me to tell me that they were still in contact.
I am moving forward very slowly at this time and I think some of the veterans on this site could offer better wisdom than I.
Pepperband posted the FR thread and I have read through that, although I am careful moving forward, I also do not want to get stuck.
I read through many of the posts here and it is heartbreaking to see how long this goes on. I thought my 4-12 weeks has been horrific enough, I cannot imagine doing this for years - however, that is a judgment and I can no longer make.
We all have to do what is best for ourselves, I seem to be moving in the direction of fighting to restore my marriage. And I find myself in a position that I did not think possible, currently (not in last 2 days) tolerating statements that I never thought I would have heard.

Just to clarify is the BH the co-worker or the OW is the co-worker? If the latter, your WH needs to find new employment.

BH is the co-worker

As we continue on in the new found honest discussions, he has remained determined that he does not want to start joint marriage counseling. He stated that to much is happening to fast and he is not sure what he actually wants, maybe he would be ready to go next week.
I feel as though he is not re-committing back to the marriage, yet it is all so fragile I don't want to demand. I am going to counseling for myself. He stuck with that all through last evening.
Then I received an email from WS this morning, stating

"I woke up this morning thinking I need to go with you tonight. That doesn't mean I know what I want. I still do not know where my commitments lie. Just woke up thinking I should go. I might change my mind as the day moves on but for now this is my plan. One day at a time I guess."

Does anyone have any experience with how fast this situation of mine keeps changing. I can barely keep up.
Any advice or wisdom, please.

We went to our first counseling session tonight. At first he did not want to go and then said he would. On the way there and then home he kept stating that he is not sure why he went - yet he did most of the talking while there.
It is very hard to sit there and hear him say that he still has strong feelings for her, but if he is going to end this marriage it will not be for someone else.
How does someone have that strong of feelings after a few weeks versus 12 years of marriage?
I can't seem to get out of survival mode and am still plan A'ing. The counselor asked about the extreme measures taken for NC and flat out asked WS that if that was not what he wanted then why did he take such measures.
I need help.....

I guess right now my question to those who have been in this position is this...
He has ended the PA and has stopped contact, but I feel like the EA is still going on in his head. How do I compete against the fantasy?
I feel that he is trying to determine what his "feelings" are and is only going through the motions of the counseling; how do I get him to bring his focus back to our marriage?
Do I implement the 4 principles alone at this time?