I feel like my XWW's affair was a total rejection of me and who I am. I feel less confident and have a harder time being myself. I do not understand why a person does this to their spouse.
How do you really come to grips with this, Can one ever really beleive it was the WS's problem alone. Does one have to be eprfect in ordere to expect fidelity?
I was not perfect. I was a good guy, though who tried and tried to make the marriage a good place. I am sure my XWW has told people that it was me that caused her to cheat.
Yet, she has a history of cheating on others and doing all types of weird things, like sleeping with her highschool soccer coach and having affairs as an OW.
She'd douse me with freezing cold water when I showered and tell me I was like a woman. She'd bounce thousands of $$ in checks.
So, why is my esteem hit by this?

I do not know why someone who claims to love you would do such a thing zelmo but it does put a big ole hole in that self esteem for sure.

At least with me my h did not try to blame me so i do at least have that.

Yes, severe damage has been done to my self esteem. I never really thought low of myself until this happened.

The obvious answer is yes. How can it not? One thing that helps is knowing that adultery is a choice the wayward makes. They are 100% responsible for that choice. You may be 40, 50, 60 even 90% responsible for the state of the marriage but the wayward is responsible for the infidelity. It's some comfort, but it doesn't stop you from feeling this way. Even with a POS wayward like yours, Zelmo - you still can't help feeling that, "I couldn't even keep THAT person" when really you need to be asking "Why did I pick THAT person in the first place?"

My WW pummeled me with excuse after excuse as to why her A was justified. I have repeatedly looked for validation from others to improve my confidence after this crap. Thankfully I've had a good support group to see me through. But have I been damaged? You bet. I just hope the damage isn't permanent. I intend to start seeing an IC once the WW is gone.

Interesting that you mention the "claims to love you" deal, Still.
This was my second marriage. I was so determined to make it work I made a committment to telling my wife every single night before sleep, that I loved her. I did this for about 6 months and never, I mean never, got a response back. Perhaps a grunt , but, ususally, just silence.
Eventually, I stopped, as I felt so humiliated. Then, she got pissed telling me that I held a grudge as i would no longer say it.

My IC was a huge help, indarkness. I recall telling him how I once told my XWW how much something she had done hurt my feelings. My WW's response to hearing this was " I don't care at all how you feel."
My therapist said "Zelmo, for once, she was telling you the truth."
I was a complete idiot for tolerating all the crap. But, there were kids involved. How I ever managed to get it up so that this happened is a mystery.

I read something recently about how you have to remember that your spouse may have had a completely different experience in the marriage than you did. I've been thinking about that lately myself. Everyone comes into a R with their own baggage and their own way of dealing with issues. My WH's way to deal was to cheat which he did from the get go. That took any power I may have ever had to help our M away from me. He obviously wanted something from me that I wasn't giving but if he didn't tell me I wasn't going to know. He chose to do the most hurtful thing a person can do instead of doing the right and honorable thing.

So to answer your question, yes it hurt my self esteem, however my SE was already low which explains why I was with someone like my WH to begin with.

Just remember Zelmo, when someone cheats it's (sometimes) because they need something that they are not communicating to you. You are not to blame because you had no idea! Sure, resentment may have developed toward us because we didn't DO what they needed but how could we? I think they have dialog within themselves about us and by not sharing anything they are cheating us out of the opportunity to do something about it. That makes it their problem, not ours.

The thing that helps me is this: I will care about what someone thinks about me when that someone is a person of good character and integrity. If they lack these qualities then I just don't care what they think because I am striving for more. I will now leave people like that in the dust.

Hold your head up high, you did nothing wrong!

Well maybe you did hold a grudge and i would not blame you at all if you did. It sounds as though your XWW had a lot of issues besides just infidelity.......

Yes

My XWH A imploded my self esteem. Totally.

I was blindsided, shocked, ill, and completely sideswiped by this.

I lost my whole identity.

Self esteem was in shreds. Compared myself to the fake plastic slag that he is with. She was thinner, younger (2 years), fun party girl while I was the fat frumpy girl.

What did I do with that? For the first few months I had a huge pity party. But surprise I started losing weight without even trying on what I call the "infidelity diet". After losing 18 pounds, I TRIED to lose weight. Joined a gym, joined yoga, Zumba, boot camp anything to stop the pain.

Succeeded in losing another 30 pounds with still many more to go.

Grew my hair -- long, highlighted it.

Tried making the house my own with some pictures I put up.

I still have many projects to do. I am a work in progress in and out.

Some day the the frumpy fat girl peeks back at me. Other days I just want to walk out of the house, lock the door and throw away the key.

We can only try. It took a year to build up some of the self esteem that I thought I lost forever. I have time.

Zelmo,

Of course your self-esteem has taken a major hit, especially since you had two marriages end because of infidelity.

My self-esteem was crushed and it took some time for me to build it up. I won't go into details, but I do understand how you feel.

But I can tell you, from having done some research on your posts for the last couple of years that especially with your last marriage, that you did all you could, but your XW is a very ill person.

There is nothing wrong with you. The only thing you could of course look at is why you have chosen poor partners in the past.

And that no one stepped up and told you about your XW's history of affairs and craziness. Fine time to find out everything from her family when she had her A.

You were flat out abused by a mentally ill person. I can tell you that throwing cold water on you in the shower, and the horrible things she said to you about who you are were so abusive. And wrong.

Once when I was in counseling, the counselor said that we had been in a constant crisis for so long that we didn't even realize how terrible it was because we had become accustomed to it. So I understand how you became accustomed to the abuse.

You have done a lot of things right. You, by all rights, should have your girls. But you have been honest with them, and are a shining example to them as far as how a person with integrity and good morals should behave. Just focus on being a good father.

I can understand how you are hesitant about another serious relationship or marriage. But you can use what you have learned from MB to have better relationships and choose better people, people that are healthier for you in the future.

Zelmo, you are WORTHY. Don't forget that.

My only advice is that if you meet someone you are interested in, take a long time to get to know them, and find out about them. Use MB principles, and make sure that other person is on board with that.

Do not let your XW have that power over you. Do not let this define who you are. Your XW is one sick puppy. Thank God your kids have you.

And Zelmo, I'm sorry about your Mom. Been there. Sounds like your mom was a great lady.

Don't forget, you are WORTHY.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Based on what you've described in this thread of your marriage pre-A, it sounds to me as if it would be more accurate to say that your XWW's affair was the definitive rejection of you and who you are.

What I mean is, it sounds like she was sort of rejecting you in one way or another all along. And you were working so hard to get past that rejection to a place to total acceptance. With the affair and the ensuing end of your marriage comes the fact that that acceptance will never never come. The thing (her total love, approval, acceptance) you had been working so desperately for, that you sacrificed so much for, will now be forever out of your reach.

Based on your story, it seems to me your self-esteem had been taking body blows long before the affair. You just didn't let yourself see it. The affair was not the THE hit to your self-esteem -- it was the FINAL hit.

Just my very humble opinion, based on very little data. If I've misconstrued your marital relationship based on this brief thread, just ignore me.

I definitely had issues with self esteem going in. Need to work on that and heed the advice to proceed with caution.

Short answer: Yes
Long answer: Not forthcoming.

Not really. I knew in my heart that it had nothing to do with me, personally - and that was before I found MB! OW had nothing to do with me, either.

The only times I have had an issue with self-esteem, really, have been the times I've allowed myself to resort to AO's and actually struck my H. The after-effects of that were hard for me, because of my remorse and disappointment in myself. I always wanted to conduct myself with grace and dignity while dealing with his A, and that hasn't always been the case.

You damn right the self-esteem took a hit.

I have found that isolating myself from her, working on myself, exploring old and new hobbies/interests on my own, have really helped.

Someone who used to be supportive, caring and loving had become someone who preferred highlighting inadequacies (fact or fiction), rewriting history to illustrate "TB the ogre", and gaslighting any issue to the benefit of her and her demented view of reality.

I HAD to isolate in order to rebuild myself. On my terms. In my way. In my own timeframe. It has been the epitome of soul-searching and personal inventory. She could not have contributed anything positive to that journey.

I always knew that I am a decent person, have value to offer others, etc., but interaction with WW would, if nothing else, cause me to at least question or second-guess myself.

NOW? Well, let me just say that I'm judge and jury of MY BEHAVIOR. And frankly, I like it. A lot.

But Z, you are so right. My self-esteem was rocked big-time. I hated feeling that way, and finally realized that reclaiming my confidence was going to require me to walk alone. Maybe only for awhile. Maybe for good. Maybe never to walk with her again. Not really sure at this point. I'm still walkin'.....

TB

Yes, BT, the no contact is about the best thing you can do.
I met another guy, a lawyer and former college basketball player like me, on antother site. His wife is clearly NPd, IMO and he is really working the no contact deal with success.
These folks are toxic and can really do a number on you.

Oh yes. How can it not when you are totally disregarded, thrown aside like a piece of trash. Especially when they affair down, way down if I do say so myself.

Anyway, keep working on yourself and you will soon have a change in attitude. I am at the point where I believe that XWH and Miss Mullet are a good match because I am too good for him.

How's that for an attitude change?

FABULOSITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.......

Not2fun