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Sorry you feel it too, EAM. My WH does the same...now I just hide in my bedroom, I just cant do it anymore....A few times he has peeked his head in my room and tried to talk to me...I just gave him short curt answers and then tell him to please stay out of my bedroom....

I also think they get some kind of sick pleasure out of it...it hurts us and they seem to love it....UGH, WH, With that big effin' smile on his face, I just want to punch all his teeth out.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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"Did The Affair Damage Your Self Esteem?"

I'd be laughing if I wasnt crying.

Oh h*ll yeah.


Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday laugh
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Originally Posted by stillhere8126
Mmmmm, MF....good point...so what I am getting from that is that waywards are FULL of self confidence...and Betrayeds are NULL of it..well at least I know I am

....I have none, zippo, zilch left. everytime my WH comes to pickup DS I dont even see him and I immediately feel like a worthless piece of garbage, withering in the corner, not worthy of his almight love....but that might be just me.

Hey Still,

Not just you. That sense of worthlessness seems to be quite common for those of us living in Betrayal-ville. The need to fall on the sword, to question my value to others, to challenge the most basic decisions? TB is quite familiar with all of that. Do you know what changed? ME! Realizing that no one is responsible for my happiness, my contribution to this world, my emotions EXCEPT FOR ME.

Slowly, I got to the point where if WW doesn't appreciate me, doesn't care for me, doesn't value my overall worth, then she can GO POUND SAND! I don't need her validation in order to believe what I already know. She has the potential to AUGMENT my confidence, my happiness, my drive, but she is NOT responsible for laying the foundation for it.

So, now that I'm getting my personal house in order, if and/or when she gives me the proverbial stink-eye, it won't mean squat. And doesn't that go a long way towards relocating to Recovery-ville?

Thanks,
TB

Last edited by BTinBL; 01/25/10 06:00 PM.


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Originally Posted by BTinBL
if WW doesn't appreciate me, doesn't care for me, doesn't value my overall worth, then she can GO POUND SAND!

To quote a very wise doggie -

OH H#LL YEAH!!!


BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Yeah, TB and Chai....I know you guys are right...I just need to work on that...just like I was not responsible for WH happiness, WH should not hold the key to my self worth, he is not responsible for that, I am.

My brain knows that, Ooooo now I just wish my heart and my gut would follow suit.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Oh man, indarkness, me too! I could have accomplished everything I needed to for the day and done something special for my H and he'd not notice, but come out of nowhere saying, "what about this or that?". So frustrating.


Married 11/21/03
BW 40 (me)
WS 37
DD-14
DS-10
H went to Iraq 1/7/09-10/5/09
D-Day 10/29/09
Got the D papers 11/21/09 (Our 6th Anniversary)
Not giving up! Still on Plan A
I can only get stronger!
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Still,

You have improved a lot over the last few months. It just takes time and a lot of work on ourselves to overcome this.

One of the biggest problems (IMHO) that you had was remaining dark. You seem to be improving on that front too.

Keep up the good work!


BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Originally Posted by stillhere8126
My brain knows that, Ooooo now I just wish my heart and my gut would follow suit.

Hey Still,

Consider it progress -- if your brain is on board, but you're still waitin' on the heart and the gut, then you can at least say that you're a third of the way there, right? (Not too long ago, I was ZERO FOR THREE in this department, and trust me, that's a batting average I'd like to avoid in the future......)

No easy formula, no quick fixes. Once you are in a better place, though, that other stuff kinda just takes care of itself.

I don't want to go all 'Tony Robbins' on anyone, but really, we are all decent folks capable of achieving some wonderful things. We all aspire to be the kind of person we would want to be married to -- kind, considerate, loving, supportive, etc. Decent folks. We CAN be those things regardless of the behavior of our spouses.

I, for one, will not say that I cannot achieve something because of the actions of my spouse. I will say that I can achieve it, in spite of her actions.

And therein lies the end of the 'Tony Robbins' info-mercial. Back to your regularly scheduled programming.......

Thanks,
TB







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Thanks guys...and yes Chai I had a horrible Plan B, I just had a really hard time with the "dark" part, which just happens to be the crux of Plan B ...

And you are right TB, i know you are. There are are a lot of wonderful people on here and if not for that I think I would just think that kind, considerate, loving, supportive and decent folks dont exist anymore. And yes I aspire to be those things...Thanks again guys.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Originally Posted by stillhere8126
Sorry you feel it too, EAM. My WH does the same...now I just hide in my bedroom, I just cant do it anymore....A few times he has peeked his head in my room and tried to talk to me...I just gave him short curt answers and then tell him to please stay out of my bedroom....

I also think they get some kind of sick pleasure out of it...it hurts us and they seem to love it....UGH, WH, With that big effin' smile on his face, I just want to punch all his teeth out.

LOL, stillhere! I feel it too, but there are other parts I'd lke to punch! What really kills me is when my WH asks me how I'm doing and if I'm okay. What the heck am I supposed to say to that?!?! Last time I really didn't know what to say, I just smirked and walked away. He ended up bringing me dinner; more guilt. I guess at least he has some guilt, just not enough to not destroy our marriage and family.


Married 11/21/03
BW 40 (me)
WS 37
DD-14
DS-10
H went to Iraq 1/7/09-10/5/09
D-Day 10/29/09
Got the D papers 11/21/09 (Our 6th Anniversary)
Not giving up! Still on Plan A
I can only get stronger!
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It's hard when you struggle with long term depression and then throw an A into the mix. Talk about needing a huge tow rope to get you out of the swamp of sorrows. It takes a huge amount of strength and willpower to drag yourself out of your pit to even take the first step towards being your own person again. I respect those that have done it before me and they give me a tiny light of hope that I can do it too. ^_^


-= Phoenix
I am BW-25
WH-27
Married since 7/07
A from 1/09-7/09

"One can't complain. I have my friends. Someone spoke to me only yesterday."-Eeyore
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After D-day, my self-esteem was in the toilet. And that lasted for a long, long time.

But now I feel fine, almost completely happy. I realize that my ex lost a good woman. Yes, there were lots of problems in our marriage, but I think that is true of most.

Self esteem will come back, I promise.

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Thanks, B...so good to hear from you, I think about you often when I am on here, even tho it seems I didnt know you well, I have read your story...Its nice that you come on here and help us out and give us support...I hope you are doin okay.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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I've been digging around, trying to find my self-confidence, and there it was, in the dumpster out back. I've trying to brush off the coffee grounds and used kleenex off of it for the past year or so now....

Seriously, one of the things that made it take a hit was the fact that she had valid complaints about the state of our M. It took very little for me to make major adjustments that were total game changers -- most notably getting off my butt and helping around the house.

Yes, doing the dishes CAN count as foreplay.

I look back and see that if I'd taken care of business, I could have A-proofed things so damned easily. That fact just kills me.

I believe what led to her D-day confession was my statement to her a month before that I felt we were growing apart and needed to go out of town and do some fun stuff together and re-connect.

We did on that weekend trip we took. The next week I had hip replacement surgery, and two weeks later she 'fessed up. Some of that may have had to do with guilt, with what amounted to three weeks of an unwitting Plan A.

If I had just figured this stuff out five years ago, I truly believe things never would have gotten to this state. My inability to "get it" gets me. Grrrrr.

Don't get me wrong. All this could never excuse her A. But I could and should have headed things off at the pass, as it were.

Last edited by AheadOfTheCurve; 01/26/10 12:20 AM. Reason: Additional thought.

BH 52
FWW 50
S26 S24
EA 3/07-1/09
PA 5/07-10/08
NC finally established after eight false starts: 1/23/09
Final Version of Events 6/09
In a solid Recovery, and lucky beyond belief.
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Ahead, I really wish my H would take the effort to self reflect as you have.

I have done so too and realize that I wasn't the perfect wife I once thought.

It makes his A hurt so much more. He doesn't believe I can change. And I don't see him, so I can't fulfill his EN's. They are mostly SF and Recreaton, so the few times I have seen him since he left, he's unwilling to spend enough time to do either with me.

I too wish I had "gotten it". Maybe my sweet H would be here with me now. I'm just barely getting the real info and getting a grip on this and I have to sign D agreements this next week.

I pray that our marriage can be recovered somehow; not how it was but really fantastic. That would be the silver lining in the darkest cloud I've ever seen.


Married 11/21/03
BW 40 (me)
WS 37
DD-14
DS-10
H went to Iraq 1/7/09-10/5/09
D-Day 10/29/09
Got the D papers 11/21/09 (Our 6th Anniversary)
Not giving up! Still on Plan A
I can only get stronger!
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Originally Posted by Zelmo
Did the Affair damage your self esteem?

No, not at all. It seems that this answer is a little unusual and it's got me thinking why not?

The OW in my case was younger, thinner, and I'd say probably prettier. sigh

BUT, she was truly the ugliest of women inside. A low down skanky ho with no morals, a dysfunctional history, an alcoholic and a bankrupt with several affairs behind her, most of them with friends of her H or H's of her friends.

Was I damaged that my H chose her over me for a short period of time. Good heavens NO, NO, NO.

It did prove, however, how very damaged he was to choose her for that period of time.

Of course it helped that he came to his senses and begged me for forgiveness, but even if he had ended our M and run off into the sunset with her, I don't think my self esteem would have bashed.

I told my H clearly, that if he was such a low life to act in such a way and want to do that to his family that he was surely not worthy of having me or his children in his life at all and equally, I was worthy of much much more than that in a H.

It breaks my heart when I read of the damage these WS's do to their spouses, but have faith that the way a BS feels is only temporary. Real happiness comes from living a good life and doing the right things, so real happpiness will come to you.

The WS has to live with what they've done and how they've acted for the rest of their lives, and I'm not sure I could live with myself had I ever acted the way these waywards act. At some point, should they not make amends for the wrong they have done, they will have that moment of insight and see themselves for the hideous ugly people they are.


Me - BW
FWH - BB -(PA Jul 08 - Aug 08)
D-Day - 8 Aug 2008
Recovering nicely


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Originally Posted by Zelmo
I feel like my XWW's affair was a total rejection of me and who I am. I feel less confident and have a harder time being myself. I do not understand why a person does this to their spouse.
How do you really come to grips with this, Can one ever really beleive it was the WS's problem alone. Does one have to be eprfect in ordere to expect fidelity?
I was not perfect. I was a good guy, though who tried and tried to make the marriage a good place. I am sure my XWW has told people that it was me that caused her to cheat.
Yet, she has a history of cheating on others and doing all types of weird things, like sleeping with her highschool soccer coach and having affairs as an OW.
She'd douse me with freezing cold water when I showered and tell me I was like a woman. She'd bounce thousands of $$ in checks.
So, why is my esteem hit by this?

My self-esteem was definitely hit badly by my FWW's A, for several reasons. In many ways, I'm still trying to recover it. You're not alone in this, Zelmo.


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I was going to answer the question with a "No" but on reflection it is a "Yes".

I didn't realise WS was having an affair and felt that there was something wrong with me that I was inadvertently winding him up which meant for horrible arguements. I had also put on a few pounds and his inability to be passionate with me made me feel incredibly self conscious about the extra weight.

When he eventually told me I felt such a sense of relief that I hadn't been imagining things. I lost the extra weight courtsey of the infidelity diet and found MB. Things then made even more sense as I saw how it was obvious that I couldn't meet his needs when we are working apart. I also realised how I hadn't been doing a great job prior to that anyway and resolved to work on myself in those areas.

I then had the misfortune to meet the OW and my self confidence shot through the roof. Even her friends couldn't understand why WS wasn't with me. It was never about me, even WS has said so. He has never once blamed his affair on me.

Now, people comment on how I don't have low self-esteem when they thought I would. I tell them the above and say whatever the outcome, I know things will work out for he best. Thanks in many ways to the MB forum.


Me:41
WS:42
Together 22 yrs, No kids
ILYBNILWY: April 09
WS & OW: Oct 08 - present
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...388#Post2282388
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I wonder if it has anything to do with your self esteem and/or self confidence pre-A.

I have always considered myself to be pretty self confident in a lot of things except for my looks. I do not consider myself ugly by any means (and i certainly think that i am BEAUTIFUL inside which is really all that SHOULD matter), however i have never consider myself to be beautiful on the outside.

And even though everyone says words don't mean anything and actions do, once words are said they sometimes can not be forgotten. So i can remember things that my h has said to me in the past that have made me think that he does not think i am beautiful and no matter his actions i still remember the words he said.

So as far as my h is concerned i have not ever had great self esteem about my looks so the A certainly made that 100 times worse.

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Yeah words do stick, whether they were meant or not...my WH said to me "no offense but I dont want to be with a 'sick' person" and "if our DS is screwed up, it is because of your 'sickness'".

I have depression and these words will stick with me forever and ever. It was truly like a knife to my soul.

Isnt it horrible how we let others do this to us...its just so hard to forget when it is from someone who knew you the most and you trusted the most, i guess.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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