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My h's words were in the beginning of our relationship and they were both said when we were just talking, not an argument so maybe that is why i let them hold so much weight.

Onece he told me that i was a "plain jane" and when i told him that hurt my feelings he just said "why?, there is nothing wrong with being a plain jane" and the second one i do not remember what the conversation was about i just remember he said "if i didn't marry you i would have probably married a knock out" and when i told him that hurt my feelings he said "i did not mean it the way it sounded", i asked him what other way was there to mean it, he was silent.

So remembering these things through out the marriage, i have never felt like he thought i was truly beautiful and then when he told the FOW was beautiful it just about killed me and is still something that bothers me somewhat.....

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Juuust remember OW was ugly ugly ugly on the inside and that definitly project outwardly...and he chose his beautiful wife not ugly OW.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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My self esteem/confidence did take a hit but it comes and goes in waves vs being a constant. On Dday, my self esteem wasn't in the toilet for long...I got angry quickly and thought my H was a complete ahole loser...so maybe I didn't pick the best marriage material but his idiot behavior was all on him. Feelings of inadequacies start to creep in from time to time but I can shake them off.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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My soul sucking harpy of an ex-wife had the self esteem and daddy issues.

I never lost my self esteem as OM was a pig.

Besides, I was dang well determined to heal up after my accident and had no time for self pity.

Seething anger got me through the roughest time ever, now I can't turn it off.


I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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Zelmo Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Still_Crazy
My h's words were in the beginning of our relationship and they were both said when we were just talking, not an argument so maybe that is why i let them hold so much weight.

Onece he told me that i was a "plain jane" and when i told him that hurt my feelings he just said "why?, there is nothing wrong with being a plain jane" and the second one i do not remember what the conversation was about i just remember he said "if i didn't marry you i would have probably married a knock out" and when i told him that hurt my feelings he said "i did not mean it the way it sounded", i asked him what other way was there to mean it, he was silent.

So remembering these things through out the marriage, i have never felt like he thought i was truly beautiful and then when he told the FOW was beautiful it just about killed me and is still something that bothers me somewhat.....

Beleive me, Still, he said those things to intentionally hurt you. Either that or he is so socially inept that he should not be in a relationship.
Here's a nice one for you. I was playing scrabble with my XWW and she spelled out the word for the male appendage. Then, as if there swas some need to prove it was not a bluff word(who does not know this word), proceeded to use the word in a sentence. Her choice: " Blank, my huisband has no Blank."
We were having a nice time, I thought. I am very normal in the Blank area(been in lots of locker rooms). When I asked her why she would say such a thing, she just laughed at me and told me I was too sensitive( a common response when I would tell her she had hurt me.)
I'd been called "like a woman" in arguments with her and heard all types of mean bad things form her. She is truly evil.

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Just knowing that I am 100 times better than the OW who lowered her trampy self to sleeping with a MM helped keep my self esteem high.

My self confidence was shaken for a while but that has pretty much rebounded. Doing the right thing, all the time, regardless of how I "feel" has helped me tremendously. Having DH tell me how proud and thankful he is of me for working so hard to save him and our family helps...so does having friends and family tell me the same.

Being able to hold my head high throughout the hardest situation I have ever experienced, in the long run...actually helped BOOST my self esteem and self confidence.

It didn't happen early on, however.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Soul sucking harpy tried everything in her power to tear me down psychologically.

From starving me while I was crippled, allowing her nasty dog where I need a sterile environment for my wounds, telling me I was now ruined and worthless, calling me a failure as a husband because I didn't make enough money to support her whoring, etc.

The last minute or so before she forced me out of the car on that final day she accused me of only wanting a hot chick on my arm to show off to my friends.

I told her that her shelf life was long up and all she could now get was short, fat, bald pigs. My last act of defiance as I watched the car disappear into the distance.

Little did I realize this would cost my pets their lives. I have lived with evil, true evil.


I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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Zelmo Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Pariah
Soul sucking harpy tried everything in her power to tear me down psychologically.

From starving me while I was crippled, allowing her nasty dog where I need a sterile environment for my wounds, telling me I was now ruined and worthless, calling me a failure as a husband because I didn't make enough money to support her whoring, etc.

The last minute or so before she forced me out of the car on that final day she accused me of only wanting a hot chick on my arm to show off to my friends.

I told her that her shelf life was long up and all she could now get was short, fat, bald pigs. My last act of defiance as I watched the car disappear into the distance.

Nice riposte to her stupidity, P. Amazing that she feels she is so "hot". My second wife felt the same way about herself in terms of overestimating her physical attractiveness. She is good looking enough ,but I'd been out with much better looking women when I was single.

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Originally Posted by Zelmo
[
Nice riposte to her stupidity, P. Amazing that she feels she is so "hot". My second wife felt the same way about herself in terms of overestimating her physical attractiveness. She is good looking enough ,but I'd been out with much better looking women when I was single.

She was hot when we met, but 40 took over and started the rapid spiral down the abyss of middle age.

I still haven't aged much and sure don't show it for being 44 now.


I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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Originally Posted by Zelmo
Originally Posted by Pariah
Soul sucking harpy tried everything in her power to tear me down psychologically.

From starving me while I was crippled, allowing her nasty dog where I need a sterile environment for my wounds, telling me I was now ruined and worthless, calling me a failure as a husband because I didn't make enough money to support her whoring, etc.

The last minute or so before she forced me out of the car on that final day she accused me of only wanting a hot chick on my arm to show off to my friends.

I told her that her shelf life was long up and all she could now get was short, fat, bald pigs. My last act of defiance as I watched the car disappear into the distance.

Nice riposte to her stupidity, P. Amazing that she feels she is so "hot". My second wife felt the same way about herself in terms of overestimating her physical attractiveness. She is good looking enough ,but I'd been out with much better looking women when I was single.
The Leopard also has issues about her appearance. She told me that the guy she had been with before she kicked HIM out found her "unattractive" and would only have S with her with the lights out.

And, like Pariah's XW, she accused me of wanting her only as "arm candy" to show off like my car (a ten year-old Mercedes!).

The truth is that she's nearing 50, has had three kids and has a few miles on her. There's no arguing that she can still "tart it up" when she applies herself, but I've seen her without makeup, hot and sweaty from a long run, hurting from migraines, blistered and bleeding, and still found her attractive.

But her better days as man-bait are behind her. So the best she can do now is a married man who strings her along with empty promises that "they'll get married as soon as his divorce is final."


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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I bet her inner ugliness plays a role in her rapid physicval decline, P. I know many woman in their 50's who look great. But, the inner ugly ones do not seem to age well.

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Originally Posted by MarriedForever
Just knowing that I am 100 times better than the OW who lowered her trampy self to sleeping with a MM helped keep my self esteem high.

My self confidence was shaken for a while but that has pretty much rebounded. Doing the right thing, all the time, regardless of how I "feel" has helped me tremendously............

Being able to hold my head high throughout the hardest situation I have ever experienced, in the long run...actually helped BOOST my self esteem and self confidence.

Hey MF,

Some really good points. I DO sense that I am starting to look down upon 'Skattorney'. Someone who lost her moral compass, and is quite comfortable drifting wherever the current takes her. Maybe she thinks she is doing me a favor by living in POSA, and sparing me the cost and indignation of legal proceedings. Well, regardless, I no longer view us as equals. Frankly, I just travel a higher road than she has, and I deserve a relationship worthy of that road. So, I DO find my self-esteem and confidence coming back. And it feels good. It really does.

"Doing the right thing." THIS is so true. Like you, MF, I am a big believer in this. I don't have 'Skattorney' thanking me for my efforts, but I don't need the praise. I KNOW I'm doing the right thing. I recognize MY behavior, I see others behaving poorly, and I say, "Well, that sucks for THEM. I am glad I'm not THEM."

And finally, being able to hold my head high through the fiercest hurricane I've ever seen has done wonders for me. We're all still here, trudgin' along, in the face of such great adversity. And we keep going. THAT is a good thing. I have come so far from where I was. I know there will be more struggles, but I have the confidence to face it head on. And if it's dealing with 'Skattorney', or my burned up car, or my roof issues, etc., I'm going to face it all head on.

Sure, the self-esteem and confidence took a major whack to the knees. But they're coming back. And frankly, I wouldn't be at all surprised if they end up EXCEEDING pre-D Day levels.

And that makes me feel good.

Thanks,
TB





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Quote
Sure, the self-esteem and confidence took a major whack to the knees. But they're coming back. And frankly, I wouldn't be at all surprised if they end up EXCEEDING pre-D Day levels.

It sounds like they will, TB...earning self-esteem (and self-confidence) through being a good, moral person and choosing to do what is RIGHT despite how we "feel" is where we get our self esteem. There is no better esteem builder than this.

And seeing and feeling the respect from others is awesome...it's the best form of "admiration" we can get, IMHO.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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It is quite empowereing when you start just diregarding a disordered spouse's warped view on right and wrong and you simply do what you know to be right. Many times, in dealing with an abusive, disordered spouse, a person voluntarily gives away his/her power and compromises his/her values to keep the peace.
Once one of these miscreants has cheated on you and inflicted such terrible pain, and you survive, it is somewhat freeing. You no longer fear the consequences of crossing the WS for a couple of reasons.
First, he/she can not hurt you anymore than he/she has already done.
Second, the cheating seems to bring into focus that which you had been denying for a long time: your Ws is really a broken, messed up person whose values should be disregarded with your own now substituted.

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Originally Posted by Zelmo
Once one of these miscreants has cheated on you and inflicted such terrible pain, and you survive, it is somewhat freeing. You no longer fear the consequences of crossing the WS for a couple of reasons.
First, he/she can not hurt you anymore than he/she has already done.
Second, the cheating seems to bring into focus that which you had been denying for a long time: your Ws is really a broken, messed up person whose values should be disregarded with your own now substituted.


Amen to that. I can't tell you how many times WW tried to get me to support her when she was doing things that were clearly wrong. Of course her view is "you never supported me, you never stood by me" (I still get this on a daily basis). Sorry, I sunk to her level sometimes but most times I left her to play in the mud. Now that she's completely filthy, she can stay that way. I'll go find a cleaner place to hang out.


BH - age 33
WW - age 33, pregnant w/OC, due Jun. 2010
M - 12 yrs
DS x3 (12, 6, 2)
DD x1 (8)
D-day 9-9-09
Plan D - Divorce Papers served 11-12-09
WW moved in w/OM 1-30-10 (DS12 Bday)
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Originally Posted by indarkness
Originally Posted by Zelmo
Once one of these miscreants has cheated on you and inflicted such terrible pain, and you survive, it is somewhat freeing. You no longer fear the consequences of crossing the WS for a couple of reasons.
First, he/she can not hurt you anymore than he/she has already done.
Second, the cheating seems to bring into focus that which you had been denying for a long time: your Ws is really a broken, messed up person whose values should be disregarded with your own now substituted.


Amen to that. I can't tell you how many times WW tried to get me to support her when she was doing things that were clearly wrong. Of course her view is "you never supported me, you never stood by me" (I still get this on a daily basis). Sorry, I sunk to her level sometimes but most times I left her to play in the mud. Now that she's completely filthy, she can stay that way. I'll go find a cleaner place to hang out.

Yes, my Ww had the temerity to tell me that I did not respect her. Well, duh? She absented herself from her kids' lives, did not work around the house, drank like a fish and slept with a bunch of strange guys. Not much to respect. The stuff they say is incredible.

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Originally Posted by Zelmo
It is quite empowereing when you start just diregarding a disordered spouse's warped view on right and wrong and you simply do what you know to be right. Many times, in dealing with an abusive, disordered spouse, a person voluntarily gives away his/her power and compromises his/her values to keep the peace.
Once one of these miscreants has cheated on you and inflicted such terrible pain, and you survive, it is somewhat freeing. You no longer fear the consequences of crossing the WS for a couple of reasons.

YES! Z, this is very true. I feel empowered. Liberated. Free. (And I'm not referring to 'free' from a relationship perspective.....) You bet, Z. All of it.

Look, we all take this journey. The Plan A journey had a certain scenery to it. The Plan B journey has a different scenery to it. One is not better than another, just different. For me, Plan A was making changes and DEMONSTRATING them to 'Skattorney'. Plan B is settling in and living my life according to those changes. Not for her. For me. For today, tomorrow -- maybe into perpetuity. She doesn't want the new and improved TB? Hey, that's okay. I'll take him. I like who he is and what he's become.

It used to be all about 'we' -- as in her and I. Now it's all about 'me'. It's a much simpler game plan. I don't need her for ANYTHING, and that does wonders for the self esteem and confidence. To be honest, I may carve out such a cozy comfort zone for myself, I may not be interested in having her be a part of it going forward. I don't worry about that now, though.

I should probably post some of this stream of consciousness stuff to my own thread, and kinda update my world, instead of going off on a rant on Z's topic here.

Great topic, Z.

Thanks,
TB




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I think we all ranted on her BT, not just you. Sorry Z.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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I understand TB. It is a form of detachment, one recommended by many "experts" in dealing with the disordered. It is the first step in reclaiming power.
Havyou read anything by Richard Skerrit? he has some good book on this and his take on detachment such as this is interesting.
essentially, he agrees that it is a good first step. But, he takes issue with programs like al-anon which advocate it as an indefintie lifestyle.
See, our spouse is our main source of emotional intimac, actually the exclusive source if you want to abide by the vows. Detaching deprives a spouse of access to this much needed intimacy. One starves after a while. It is not a good longterm way to live. ou want to be a part of a team if you are in a marriage, not someone that has to independently implement the correct values. You want spousal support in this area.
Don't do this forever. You will shrivel up.

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Originally Posted by AheadOfTheCurve
Yes, doing the dishes CAN count as foreplay.


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I LOVE it!
-=Phoenix=-


-= Phoenix
I am BW-25
WH-27
Married since 7/07
A from 1/09-7/09

"One can't complain. I have my friends. Someone spoke to me only yesterday."-Eeyore
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