Last night, after reading Queenie and lil's posts I did a lot of thinking. My mind was working on overtime. I have read te success stories thread and I even have read some of the stuff on the recovering board. I have read MANY MANY people's threads on here and some of them give me hope. I think that I have just been thinking that he will come home some day. There are times where I think he never will be for the most part I keep hope that he will and that is how I have been getting through.

What I did realize before I found MB was that I have actually become weak in myself in the last few years. My WH would have the say on what we would do and where we would go. I lived my life for him. I did things in thoughts of what he would want. Even down to where we put the garbage can in our kitchen. I would just try to "please" him. I realized when he said he was leaving me, that I had lost myself along the way. I am looking forward to finding myself only I don't know where to look.

I need to be that strong person again. Right now, I am just hurting and I don't know how long it will take. I am a patient person but apparently there are some things I can't be patient about. I am not that 16 year old girl that WH started dating. I am 34 and I am a Mom. I need to get my power back. I am going to make myself strong again but I think it will be a long hard road.

I am glad to see I am not alone though. The worst thing is to feel like noone understands me. Here's to our journey.

Hi Scot, you do not have to look far to find yourself. You are there for you. When you feel you can he fine alone as well as in the company of others...then you found yourself.
If you identify yourself with an image or a bundle on thoughts then you have lost yourself...
blessing

Our H are the same. He told me he did not want to be married any more and that he wanted to be alone. He is now and I doubt he will give up his freedom. However, since he was and is quite foggy..when we were still talking before the A exploded, he said that he wanted a woman that could make him happy and with whom he had no past. He said he was interested in dating and finding a special person that thought like him and liked the same things he did. Therefore I conclude that...yes he left because he likes his freedom, but if they really wanted to be alone, then why date, why get all f&*** up and risk your integrity by having an A?
Why not just leave, rent a place, stay single till D is finall and then date.
So this tells me, Still, that the A does play a role in the fog talk. When it ends, then and only then we will know if our H really wanted freedom or they were just fogged up by OW.
At some point they will be alone if they cycle thru one OW after another. Then they would have obtained what they wished for...:lonlyness
blessing

I know, I know, I dont get it either. If they didnt want to be married why would they have waited until they found someone else to do so? I accidentally found out about WH A. It had been goin on for two years....So of course it has to do with OW...

And I know that WH still sees the same OW, maybe others, but I really dont see him having time for more than one...but I didnt think he had time for cheating when he was home, so what do I know?

Yeah, Im just gonna enjoy the single life a little...and trust me you will enjoy it a little after a while....take care of yourself, do things that make you happy, or things you never would have done before...And you will know when it is time to move on, trust me you will, cuz I am almost there.

And if they dont come back to us, then old H's just arent there anymore...and I truly beleive at some point they will want us back and old H's come back, I really do....but it might be after WE have already moved on and dont want R anymore, ya know?

I mean it could be five years from now. And at the beginning I really thought I would wait that long, but now I know I will not....I truly am losing my love for him finally.

I just have this feeling that maybe God does have a role in that....was there a reason why I loved him soo long after Dday, after the he77 he put me through? Maybe God tries to soften our WH's hearts, but he cant control them....so slowly the love we had for them goes away....and if WH doesnt soften his heart and wake up before I lose all of my love, than that is all we or GOD can do about R.

At least I can move on in my life without looking back with regret...Ill have known I waited long enough and gave WH a chance to come home. Some of the problems in my M may have been my fault, but I was willing to work on them. WH was not.

Atena,

Half of what a foggy WS says is bull, the other half is sh*t. Don't listen to them, they've got verbal diarrhea.

Yeah, you can tell when a wayward is lying...whenever they open their mouth and talk....

I don't know why they bother lying. I mean what does my H have to lose now to tell the truth? Really, why not tell people at work he loves another and that yes he left because he wanted out of the M but also because he likes her more.
If they are so bold and so entitled why not be open to other and tell...
If they believe there is nothing wrong with what they are doing and if it is true that they do not spend a moment of the day thinking of us...why be so secretive even when in plan B?
My IC tells me to move on and to know that, as I described my H to her, he is a narcisist and needs meds and treatment. I should not dwell on him and she told me she is quite sure H does not give a single thought about me and what he did. She says he is disturbed and till he seeks medical treatment or counseling there is very little hope for me that he will come back to the M and even if he does she said I should not take him back in the conditions he is in now.
She said he is a 49 year old man acting like a 13 year old. His only worry is himself. She said she doubts H even really cares about OW. She said OW is a reflection of himself and of his fantasies and dreams. As long as she mirrows back those things to him the A will last, but when OW turns into herself and the sex rush is gone, H is going to find himself deep in the pits.
But he will blame OW for it, not himself, unless he seeks treatment. If he does not (chances are he will not) he will seek another person to mirrow back to him his fantasies.
She basically said not to wait for a looser.
I am sad....I just came back from IC about an hour ago.
blessing

I think waywards lie because deep down they know that what they did was dishonorable, skanky, and they would be considered low lifes....They need to blame us or else who are they gonna blame...THEMSELVES! OMG no way...

This is the way they all act in the A...the OP is telling them how we shafted the WS and didnt treat them the way they should have been...thats why they stay with them so long, OP is the one that condones everything the wayward does and all of their justifications....

Oh yes, I am sure she is telling him how nice he is and how she can't believe I did not appreciate him and how dare I criticized him about xyz when he does everything so perfectly!
Plus, WH always cry on the shoulder of OW telling them all the things they did not like about us. Well I have proof of that because H always told me he could not make me happy and that I did not trust him (dahh). Well in her messages OW would say: I trust you! You make me soo happy!
Basically they tell them what they want to hear.
They also do not share the responsibilities of a family, bills, etc...It is just fun fun fun
But OW is certainly looking for something...and sooner or later she will show her dark side.
blessing

Yup, you hit the nail on the head there, atena....

yep, they are doing plan A with our WH, just carrot and not stick.
I guess plan A can also create a successful A if OW applies it.
blessing

I think it's safe to say if I listened to what mine said to me over and over again we would still be living separately and D by now.

Watch their actions... and even then, let g-d have them.

His actions so far tell me he has no intention to R the M.
He has agreed to sell the apartment we co-own and has not made any attempt to contact me.
He is living his new life in his new place and see OW for leasure time.
His actions are non actions towards me.
I think the M chapter for him is closed.
But then, I guess you too Queeney were in the same situation when in plan B. I see from this forum that lots of H do not make any contact during plan B.
From what I observed so far, the one that attempt more contact in plan B are then the ones who might think about R.
Our son is gone to college we are about to sell the house...there is nothing really he has to come back to.
Ma
blessing

Hi all it is Sat and I am doing my homework for my on line degree. I can't stop thinking of H with OW and how much he does not care about me how easily he erased me from his life. A part of me is angry at him the other still hopes we can one day R. In Feb it would be 2 years that my H started this A and 5 months since the A was exposed and he moved out.
I still hope I can R the M but everybody including my IC really hope I move on and forget about such a callous cheater and lyer.
I am really having a hard time with this...no matter how much I keep myself busy...he is always in my head.
blessing

I am bumping this up because I did not "sleep with someone last night"

____________bump_________

I gotcha! I sure wish you didn't work with him, because I betcha you would feel better if you weren't triggered by his presence every day.

Hi atena,

I want you to know that I don't read that thread you mentioned and I'm sure that people wouldn't ignore yours just because that one is getting a lot of traffic.

We are in a similar situation, I feel. Although WS is openly with OW and all his family accept the situation, I still crazily want us to give the marriage a second chance. However, latest developments make it somewhat better for me to start divorce proceedings now and my family and friends see this as a positive move on my part.

I know what you mean about him always being in our head. I don't think that I will be able to not think about him until I have at least got the ball rolling. Us BS should be now looking forward to the second half of our lives - hopefully this time with someone who loves us the way we deserve to be loved.

You are right...unfortunately now for 3 days in a row I saw him. Once at lunch, once in the hallway and once in the library.
I did not look at him and kept doing what I was doing as if he was not there. I kept my head high...I did not do anything, he is the one who should hide. However seeing him hurts...I still love him. He is my H!
Another thing....People keep refering to me as single. I tell them I am still married and they reply: com'on get a grip...your H is cheating on you as we speak, he moved out etc... and you still declare yourself married? You would be a fool to take him back.
What should I reply?
blessing

Atena,

the whole point of plan B is to NOT see your husband, nor hear about him in order for YOU to have a chance to recover. No guarantees that it will happen. Dr. Harley has said that letting go requires God�s help, he has no tools to help with letting go other than not seeing or hearing about your husband.

What can you do about it?

But you still saw him. And everytime you see him, you are right back to Day 1, Atena.