I think Pep recently posted about cowgirlin' up and replacing the OW's memories with ones of hers. Pep, can you weigh in here?

I am trying to hang in, I guess what I am looking for is some advice regarding specific strategies on how to get WS to reconnect to me without forcing myself on him. Does that make sense?

First of all sorry you find yourself here dealing with all of this cr**p. That being said now that you are forced to deal with it you are going to have to be strong and start to see this as a marathon. It takes lots of time and patience and strength on the part of a BS to heal and to recover the M.
Your WH is not going to be on board as easily as you are since he still possessed and tortured by the A.
While he tried to figure out what he wants do not waver from what you need.
First and foremost insist on continued No Contact and do not waver from that. (Trust but verify)
It is sort of normal what you WH is feeling in terms of withdrawal and unsure of where to put his feelings. That�s where the plan A is crucial. I know it�s hard I have been exactly where you are. It seems hard enough to breathe let alone plan A the man who broke your heart. But you are going to have to do it and expect NO results

Not yet any way.....


Not for a while...

But here is the ray of hope you need

Plan A works
Keep at it

You can�t make him drink the Mb Kool-Aid and don�t force it on him.

Vent here and post all you need, read up all the good advice the vets have given you.
Then re-read you whole thread and pull yourself together and believe that the process works, there are many survivors here that have walked the road you are on and come out the other end.

You will too.

Thank you, that helps.
I guess I was expecting instant results.
Your right about not being able to breathe and wanting to scream, it is soooo hard to maintain the no emotional outbursts. However I force myself to re-read the "Plan A re-visited thread" 2x/day to remind myself of what I have to do.
I keep thinking this is all just a horrible nightmare that will go away if I wish and pray hard enough.
Unfortunately it is not.

Keep breathing, one day at a time.
Also while you are plan A'ing take a little time in your day to do something that gives you joy.
Be it a long bath, be it a yoga class, walk in the park what ever you need to just relax.
I was never a journal keeper but I got a notebook and started writing, when ever the tears came I grabbed the book. Most of it is illegible cause my hand was scribbling really fast to keep up with the brain and the tear drops were smudging everything I wrote. But thats Ok I dont need to re-read it now. Just writing and pouring how I was feeling helped me get my true pain and sorrow and frustration at plan A , frustration at the unfairness of me as a BS havingf to do all the heavy lifting out of my system.
The other thing I did that helped a lot was to keep a little daily log titled what have i dont today to heal ME/Him/US

So here is a typical entry in that

Day xx/xx/xxxx
Me - Went to yoga
Him - Met xxxx need
US - Watched movie together


Day yy/yy/yyyy
Me - Wrote in journal
Him - Met xyz need
US -


What that did for me was allowed me to be honest with myself to see what I was actually putting in into the recovery. Sometimes we feel like we are doing that required steps but we might just be thinking so much about the steps that we dont ACTUALLY do the steps. Keeping that little log made me think everyday Ok what am I going to do today to help heal.
and on days when I did not do anything thats OK too it just helps you focus and make sure you pau attention to what you are actually doing.
Its very important to do the ME activity of the day so that you can find the strenght to so the him/us activities.
Hope you can take away from what helped me and some of it can you find you way out of this nightmare that you are currently trapped in.

The scar of the A will never go away but the misery of it will.

Thank you again, all of this helps!!

Missy,

You said you were having trouble with AO and DJs. How are you doing with identifying that thought pattern and getting out of it?

It took me a long time to rein in my mouth. I actually had to re-train myself to run something I might say through my head BEFORE actually spitting it out.

AO ?

Overall, I have been able to maintain control and not voice any judgments (in front of him - privately is another matter). I am being supportive of his feelings right now (even though I feel as though it is a knife through my heart).
I have increased the amount of time I spend with him doing things like going for walks with the dogs.
I am trying to meet most of his EN, but he is also keeping me at arms length right now.
I am also doing things for myself as well, keeping busy with work and continuing to work out with personal trainer/yoga instructor, I started keeping a journal. I also like the idea of the daily log.

My next question is this...
Letter of NC was sent 5 days ago, this evening while we were talking I asked how the NC was going. He stated very difficult and hard. He also stated that this was probably the first good week he has had since this all started.
Next I asked him if the OW had contacted him, through his work email (can't change that) and he was honest and said she did twice - he said he deleted one of the emails and read the second. Of course then I had to ask what it said. OW asked him "why and what could she have done differently".
I had to keep coaxing the information out of him and I asked if he responded. He said that he did, stating to her "nothing different" and repeated what he had said in the letter of NC.

So, now am I starting all over at day 1 of withdrawal again?

It is so hard to listen to the person you love and who you thought loved you talk about how difficult not talking to the OW is.
But I guess at least he is being honest about his feelings and sharing them.

I still keep praying and wishing that this is a nightmare.......

(AO - angry outbursts)
No, I have not demonstrated and AO's or DJ's to his face, only to my journal.

I have also found this is the only place I can vent, friends and family would not understand what I am doing or why.

On a different note, I asked him last night after our talk what he needs from me - and this morning this was his response:
"You asked what you could do. I am not really sure you can do anything different. For now your patience and continued friendship I guess. I don't deserve it for all I have put you through."

I keep thinking maybe there are glimpses of my husband in there somewhere???

He is in withdrawl, he will feel that way for a while. He wont always feel this way, keep that in mind and it becomes easier to accept.
Everytime there is contact you are back to day 1 in terms of progress however and the cycle of progress and reset to day 1 will continue as long as there is any contact.
For any meaningful recovery to begin there has to be NC. Thats where Plan A is important.
YOU have to show him what can be so that HE can help himself come out of withdrawl.
Hang in there, you are doing good. Everything you are feeling and experiencing is normal or atleaset common among most BS's.
Its not an easy road and you are walking it.
Make sure to take time out and care of yourself as much as you are trying to care for the Marriage.

How do I word asking about NC such as emails at work. He is being honest when I ask, but is not volunteering this information. I do not want to sound like selfish demands; but I do not trust.
He is withdrawn tonight which probably means there was an email from her at work.
Do I just ask honestly? But I don't want to sound like a broken record night after night.

Sorry I dont know how to help you with keeping up NC when OW is a co-worker, I never had to deal with that. Hopefully some one will come along that has help there.

I can speak for being a broken record though. Its exhausting night after night having marathon conversation sessions and hoping that each conversation will fix the nightmare.
It does not work that way. Keep the main focus on Plan A . Try to have periods of togetherness where YOU make a concious decsion to take a time out from A talk. Just breathe focus finding simple moments to enjoy each others company.
The withdrawl process seems to have already kicked in. Your WH already knows what is needed from him. You dont have to keep having the same conversation over and over.
Some how you have to find it in you to let your H see that there can be a M after the A and it wont always every moment from now on be about the A only.

Thanks, that helps.

Also, OW H is the co-worker, not OW.

It is very hard to find it in me right now that there can be a M after this, I am having difficulty showing that.
My moods feed off his moods and his are up and down and often withdrawn.
And it seems difficult to even find things to talk about, of course this would be one of the problems that has slowly contributed to this. But now it is even worse.

Glad to hear that, it means NC is possible.


What are you doing to help yourself see that there is life other than the A.
What makes you happy and helps distract you from the pain?
Do you work out?
Do your write?

what is your outlet?

Thank you for asking,
My outlets - there really does not seem to be any. I am working out daily and writing in a journal almost daily. I have started keeping a log as you suggested.

But through all these activities the A is still first and foremost in my thoughts.

I can get past the fact that he had a PA with someone, it is the deception and betrayal that I am struggling with. Also not really knowing what he is feeling right now. It feels as though there is so much distance.

We are roommates in the same house, he is upstairs and I am downstairs. We eat dinner together and watch TV together, but not much else.

I have made more time and effort to join him in the little things he does daily, such as walking the dogs or taking them for a ride in the woods.

One of his big EN was for conversation, I have made conscious effort to stop whatever I am doing and give him that time and really listen.

But again, through all this I feel that there is this great distance and I don't know how to reconnect with out seeming needy.

If someone could send a script

Of course the A will be take up the bulk of your thinking time, its normal. What you have to do is slowly bit surely make a concious decision to indulge in activities that let you take short and well needed breaks. These simple distractions will fill you up with the required strenght you need to be able to survive under the burden of the pain of the A.

Dont worry about what he is feeling right now he is in turmoil, and depending on when you take his temperature it will be a different reading. Try not to read into his moods and actions and use that as a gauge of the status of your current M. This is a roller coaster ride and what ever he shares with you will change depending on where in the ride you or he is.
Breathe....
Your M is on this rollercoaster,
you cant get off just yet,
you cant make it stop just yet.
Let it run its course
there is no easy fix
dont waste you limited energy looking for one.

The nightmare of a PA is HARD. Time will help ,you cant rush time.

Good for you on trying to attempt to meet his needs and making an effort at doing things togtheer. Remind your self that during these activities you want to stay away from A talk. Just try to enjoy what ever the activity is.
Its unfair that you have to cary the burden of the heavy lifting of this recovery (for now) but that will change.
I know I sound like a broken record but been in your shoes and I know exactly how difficullt it is to pour love out while your heart is bleeding BUT thats what you need to do in order to R. You are on track .
Stay with it.
There will be light at the end of this dark tunnel.

I have just found out that OW and her husband have separated. I am not sure what kind of s**t storm that is going to mean for the M.

Does the roller coaster ride continue to get worse for a while? It seems as though the minute I think I hit a stable point, everything spins back out of control and gets even lower.

I am now convinced that WS was in an odd mood yesterday and a some today was because she has emailed him to tell him they are separating.

Now what? Continue with what I am doing? I guess at this point I have no choice, he has not actually said anything, he has not packed a bag yet.

I take comfort in the advice that you are giving, I just wish I did not feel such despair and helplessness.

Yes, Missy. Keep doing what you're doing. The bar has been raised a bit, and Plan B is probably looming sooner than expected, but you should just be the prettiest, wittiest, charming-est wife that attracted your husband in the first place.

Remember: 100% "Giver" and 0% "Taker." This can be brutally tough, so please come on here and vent, scream, shriek, moan, cry and whatever you need to while "making the sale."

If you do the Plan "carrot" part extremely well, it's going to throw your husband into a mental tizzy. And if and when it comes to Plan B, it will make him thoroughly confused. And that's where you want him!

The whole thing bites, and I almost cannot stand how whiney I have become on this post.
Thank you for those who are listening and advising - it is much appreciated.
I truly feel as though there is no where else to vent.

Missy, as it says in the welcome message at the top of the page, "This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Here you will find what you need as it relates to the Marriage Builders� principles."

It's why we're here. I am a betrayed spouse. I came here with my tail between my legs, having been emotionally brutalized by my wayward wife, completely thrown off-balance and made to believe I was evil incarnate. If you read my story (link in my signature block), you will see that I posted a running commentary the day she came to "vacate" our home.

The strength, wisdom, experience and insight shown by those people who sat in front of their computers to "hold my hand" during those days is one reason that I'm doing the same today. I don't have the wisdom and experience of the "veterans," but I've been learning. And I don't want anyone to go through what I went through. But since the assault on your marriage began before you arrived here, the very least I can do is to try to make your journey as painless as possible.

To be honest, there are days when the emotional overflow on this site threatens to overwhelm me. Since I'm in the computer field, I'm online every day. That gives me the opportunity to hang out here, and when possible, lend a comforting word.

I credit Marriage Builders for helping me stay sane. The least I can do is to try to help others who have been where I have been.

Please come here to vent. This is the best place for it!