Melody

I guess I'm somewhat confused by your hard stance here with ed.

I have read many of your recommendations and responses on this and other threads and I have great respect and admiration for your advice.

In this thread though I'm having difficulty understanding why ed's efforts in regards to not dropping the divorce but keeping it on hold are not sound. He has stated that he has all her passwords and cell records. WW stated she broke contact (Ed I would follow this up by helping draft an NC letter btw). I tend to agree with Ed that if he continues with the D this could indicate to WW that HE is the one that isn't willing to change.

No disrespect but can you explain further ;-)

Just sayin'....

I totally agree with the GPS...I need to know if she is being honest. I did some research online and found a GPS unit that mounts on the car, runs on AAA batteries and lasts a few weeks. You then plug the GPS into your computer and it tells you everywhere they have been. It was $199...much less than a PI.

I still think I should not push the D right now. I do not want to create a threatening environment while she is in withdrawal. I know that Melody and other suggested that I need to see actions. She has cut off ties with OM, sent a NC e-mail to the old BF she was having an long distance EA with, and has agreed to begin counseling together. These are all positive actions in my opinion, but this is just the beginning...I know.

I am interested in hearing what other actions should I be looking for on her part. At some point I want to see her make an effort to meet my ENs. This is tough while she is in withdrawal. I want to see a change in her attitude about our family...no more comments about how she hates the lifestyle and feels trapped. Anything else I should be looking for?

She did make the comment to me today that she was not sure she was doing the right thing...she just wants to be happy. She was happy with OM and had been miserable with her life with me. This talk worries me...but maybe it is the withdrawal and fog not fully lifting.

I bought one of those. It's called a GPS Tracking Key. It worked perfectly - I put it inside a plastic sandwich bag and fastened it underneath the rear bumper using the strong magnet it comes with. Even if the batteries run out before you can retrieve it, it holds the data it's captured up until then.

Integrates with Google Maps, provides time, distance, length of stop -- everything. Using Google Maps I could pinpoint OM's house -- right to the address!

Ed, I think what others are telling you is that you should NOT take the D off the table. It's the Sword of Damocles hanging over the marriage right now. If you back away, it will show that you are easily swayed.

This is not the time to be easily swayed.

This is most definitely the fog. Ed, remember: this is a marathon and not a sprint. She hasn't been in withdrawal long enough to be saying sane things. Keep the Plan A going, and have a lot of cookies handy...

His wife is a serial cheater who abandoned him and the kids. Ed, rightly, moved to divorce. Now that it is inching towards divorce and Ed is dating someone else, she sees she is losing control and wants to manipulate him to STOP. She is not interested in recovery, she is interested in stopping the consequences of her behavior.

As it is now, Ed has a distinct advantage in custody and possession of the home. If he takes the chance and allows her to come home he will lose that advantage and will have to deal with a false recovery when she cheats again.

In this case, he should not allow her back UNLESS SHE CHANGES. Just saying that she will GRUDGINGLY give up certain things is not "change." In other words, he should give her an opportunity to demonstrate her changes, but he should not abandon his protection or his legal advantage based only on the word of a liar.

He is being asked to abandon his protection based on the word of a very manipulative liar.

She is not sincere. You are headed towards a false recovery, Ed. This is why I IMPLORE you to keep the divorce action in place and do not stop UNTIL you have seen a demonstrated CHANGE OF HEART. She has demonstrated no such thing. This is all talk.

This is not correct. It indicates no such thing. It indicates that he is not willing to reconcile until SHE CHANGES. That is the stance he has to take here. HE should not drop the divorce under any other conditions. He is not the one who needs to change in the marriage. She cannot dictate the terms of her return, that is up to Ed. A WAYWARD does not get to dictate the terms of her return.

This is too painful to watch. I am stepping away.

Hunny, you can only point the way, the rest is up to them.

I guess I am struggling to picture what a sincere change of heart will look like. How will I know if she is truly sincere? How do we ever know? I guess I will figure that out as things move along...

In SAA, I think the WW comes home because her OM dumped her. In my case, WW decided to come home because she was upset about the thought of me moving on with someone else. Does it really matter why the WW decides to end the A?

The last thing I want is a false recovery. I will have her sign a post nup if I decide to allow her to move back. Her lease expires in March I think.

In the meantime, I will purchase the GPS and see what I find.

My issue with pushing the divorce is that we were days away from having a final agreement in place and submitted to the judge. So if I keep pushing it, we would be divorced in less than a week. I am not sure what changes I could expect to see in such a short period of time. Many have said that this is a marathon not a sprint. That is why I think it is best to put it on hold for now. She knows that if she screws up at all, it is over.

After reading melodys last post's I think you should let the D go through. You have too much too lose.

If WW wants to recover the D will not be able to stop her. It's better because if/when she slips up you can just dump her.

I guess I am confused...recovery is a long process. Right now she is in withdrawal. We were days away from having a settlement in place, so I'm not sure what actions or changes I could realistically expect within the next week to tell me to call off the D??

Trust me...I do not want a false recovery or to lose my legal advantage. I just feel it is the right thing to do to give her a chance to show me she is serious about recovery. I just don't know what more I should expect to see at this time.

Ed, do you have to file? Is there a time limit? I'm not sure what you're asking.

If you want to dissolve (for lack of a better word) the divorce proceedings, I think that's a mistake. If you just want to delay requesting a final decree, that's another thing.

I filed back in October. There is a 60 day waiting period before you can submit the final decree for divorce. I am past the 60 days, so at this point I could be divorced as soon as we both sign off on the agreement. We were in the final stages of negotiating the agreement and all major details had been worked out.

So I do not think it would be a good idea to keep pushing this process forward. I can sit on things for a while. Otherwise, the D could be finalized within a week if I pushed it.

I think I should keep my case open...and not withdraw my initial filing. I'm not even sure if I could do that. She knows she is on a very short leash and if she screws up again, it is over.

You lose nothing if you go ahead with the divorce. You can always get remarried if she demonstrates some real changes. That way you don't lose and she won't lose that opportunity. But you can't sacrifice your legal advantage, especially for the sake of your kids, based only on the empty promises of a liar. You have too much to lose, Ed.

You are ALL your kids have. You are ALL they have so that legal advantage is critical to their safety and future. You can't afford to lose that.

Speaking of Sue and Greg in SAA, remember what Sue did to Greg? She moved back in and GOT HIM LEGALLY KICKED OUT WHILE SHE TOOK CUSTODY OF THE KIDS. He was locked out of his own house while she brought her lover in to take his place. In front of the kids.

p.s. Dr Harley even recommends renewing your vows after a marriage has recovered from an affair anyway.

It's been a long day, Ed. And my eyes are tired from looking at the computer screen. So forgive me if I'm a bit balmy.

It seems to me you have two choices:

1) Continue to move forward with the divorce and file for final decree.
2) Delay the final filing.

What is the question? Are you concerned that if you delay your WW will think you're not serious? That you're a pushover?

Or are you worried that if you file for final decree that it's over and you will never recover your marriage?

I can't tell you what to do, but I'll tell you what I'm doing. In my state, there is a mandatory six month "cooling off" period. WW and I have a formal, signed Separation and Property Settlement Agreement (SPSA). [Which my WW erroneously thinks means we are "legally separated" -- a distinction this state does not make]. When the six month period is over, I have every intention of going to the court to file.

Because in my book, that's the time frame given her and us. However, there is nothing that says once we are divorced (if it comes to that) we can't at some future time, resume a relationship. That's not for me to say.

Right now, while she says SHE won't file, there is nothing that pulls her back to this relationship. She's burned just about every bridge there is.

So, in case you're wondering, the reason I'm still posting here on MB is because (a) I want to continue to receive the love and support I got from the first day I got here -- my story is not over yet, and (b) I want to continue to learn and apply MB principles to my own life -- whether or not that life includes my WW.

I hope that makes sense. And gives you some help, too.

Mel - I am not trying to be thick headed...what do you think about a post nup agreement if I decide to let her move back? Wouldn't this secure my legal standing? I would need to double check with my lawyer.

I just know that if we get divorced then it will be over for good....bridges will have been burned too badly and we will both move on. That is why I am hesitant to pull the trigger so quickly, especially since she just went NC with OM.

Ed, if she is really serious about making changes and committing to your marriage, she will do what it takes to make this right, including allowing the divorce to go through. Divorce would not stop her.

But she is not serious, is she? This is a show to get you to stop the divorce so you lose your advantage. This REEKS of manipulation.