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Joined: May 2002
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Originally Posted By: blackskys
My IC was emphatic that telling OP's wife is the wrong thing to do, she asked if I was prepared for the "carnage" I would cause by telling. She said it was the OPs place to tell his wife. She said it would only drive my wife away, maybe even force her to leave me for OP.

I'm going to steal an analogy that MelodyLane likes to use, because for me it puts this question in perspective like nothing else.

Suppose your neighbor owned a business and one of his employees was embezzling money from him. Would you remain quiet and not tell your neighbor "because you would cause carnage" by telling? That's nonsense! It's the embezzler causing carnage, not the one exposing the wrong doing. In your situation, it's your WW and the OM that are causing carnage, not you.

Yes it's possible that WW and OM will turn to each other in a desperate "us against the world" reaction. It happens like that sometimes. But the affair does not seem so attractive and meant-to-be with daylight shining on it. And as you said, if she runs to OM because of your exposure, she's not truly into recovering the marriage right now anyway. If she runs to OM it will prove she's just dragging her heels and not really into recovery -- and the sooner you know that about her, the better.

Last edited by turtlehead; 01/24/10 04:31 PM.
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I still have not told OP's wife. It weighs on my mind ever day. I have read differant opinions and am very confused .My wife seems deppressed and distant. We have a very hard time discussing anything without it turning into a fight. My wife still warns me not to tell OP's wife, she wonders why I would be so vindictive and says everything will blow up. I wish I could believe that NC is taking place but I dont. There is a part of me that thinks I should tell and let the cards fall. Would that cause her to leave me??? Some of their emails I discovered stated that they both would wait to leave their spouses, that the timing wasnt right now.... very,very confused

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Be courageous. Tell the OMW. If your wife leaves, she would have done so anyway. Nothing good can come of witholding this info, IMO.

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blacksky,

With all due respect your are a simple minded fool if you are confused about YOUR HONOR. Your honor is at stake here, what are your standards? This is not about what other people think. It is about what you are about as a man.

Your W is trying to guilt you into not telling so that she does not have to end her affair. It is ongoing NOW. She is in contact with OM and she does not want to lose that. In fact, she has as much as told you that she will chose him, at least that is what she thinks now.

So let me ask you, why would you protect a woman that will dump you for HER mistakes if you do the honorable thing? Is this really a woman that you could love? She is not the woman you married. She is not a woman of honor. And she is a woman that will repeat this until and unless she comes to realize the horror she has visited on you and her marriage.

You MUST tell OM's W. She MUST know the truth so that she can make informed decisions about her life. You may choose to live in fear and without honor but she deserves the chance to make that decision for herself.

You are not doing anything to either OM or your W. You are letting OM's W have the truth to do with as she wishes. You have the truth and it has been your choice to do nothing. It may suit you, but it may not suit OM's W. You do not have the right to make that decision for her.

Your W does not have the right to make that decision for her. The OM does not have the right to make that decision for her.

Your W has been wrong about her affair, about how she has handled your marriage, and she is clearly NOT someone that understands honor. She continues contact with OM although she knows it hurts you.

You will tell my you are in love. And I will tell you that you have no concept of the truth of love. Love is not being a punching bag, emotionally or physcially. Love does not require one to forgoe their honor. Love does not require one to allow other people to be hurt by lies or lies of omission.

AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR ON THIS POINT???

I hope so and I hope you find it within yourself to do what is right as clearly your W, your counselor, and your OM cannot and will not.

God Bless your soul.

JL

Last edited by Just Learning; 01/29/10 06:33 PM.
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Originally Posted By: blackskys
I still have not told OP's wife. It weighs on my mind ever day. I have read differant opinions and am very confused .My wife seems deppressed and distant. We have a very hard time discussing anything without it turning into a fight. My wife still warns me not to tell OP's wife, she wonders why I would be so vindictive and says everything will blow up. I wish I could believe that NC is taking place but I dont. There is a part of me that thinks I should tell and let the cards fall. Would that cause her to leave me??? Some of their emails I discovered stated that they both would wait to leave their spouses, that the timing wasnt right now.... very,very confused


This guy is not going to make it. He is a classic ENABLER who won't stand up for his marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: blackskys
I still have not told OP's wife. It weighs on my mind ever day. I have read differant opinions and am very confused .


I am sure that MB position about exposure is unanimous. It weighs you because you know it is a right thing to do.

Quote:

My wife still warns me not to tell OP's wife, she wonders why I would be so vindictive and says everything will blow up.


Of course, there will be anger but within "everything", it will blow up also her affair! You will ruin the affair that's why she is threatening you!

How can be telling the truth be "vindictive", anyway? Only in the eyes who are afraid of the truth...

Quote:

I wish I could believe that NC is taking place but I dont. There is a part of me that thinks I should tell and let the cards fall. Would that cause her to leave me??? Some of their emails I discovered stated that they both would wait to leave their spouses, that the timing wasnt right now.... very,very confused


Emotionally, your WW has left you already, do you understand that?

If she will leave after exposure (and I have strong doubts that she will permanently) then there was no chance left for you anyway. But to sit there just hoping and wishing is the worst you can do to save your marriage.

I am speaking from my personal experience here. I too, had read "different opinions" and didnt expose to OMW initially but it costed me 9 months false recovery.

The only excuse I have is that I hadn't found MB yet. But when I discovered 8 months ago that the A was still ongoing I didn't hesitate. I exposed to OMW immediately and if anything at all this might have saved my marriage.


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
Joined: Oct 2009
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I'll try to be gentle, here: blackskys, your IC is a clueless idiot.

Also: I am a betrayed wife. As a BW, I cannot repeat enough times how glad I am the the OPs husband exposed the affair!! You must do this! The worst thing in the world would have been for me to never have found out.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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