Fred - I am worried that if I file the final decree it will be over for good. WW would never get over that. In her mind, going NC with OM is a huge action on her part to demonstrate she is serious. We will see if it lasts...

That is why I think I should just put things on hold and see how she acts over the next few weeks. I will keep the case open so that if she does not change or slips up, it will be quick and easy to file the D.

Ed, if it's over, it's over.

Why some people cling to something that should be let go is very confusing to me.

That is, of course, your choice. How will doing so change anything? It sounds like you are trying to control WW.

You cannot control WW.

At this point I am not sure it is over. I did not think she would ever end her A. I know I can't control WW, but I can give her time and a chance to prove she is serious about recovery. Everything I have read here says that recovery is a long process...a marathon. The first step to recovery is ending the affair. That step has been taken.

I want her to change and become a good wife and mother. I want to have a fulfilling marriage together. If we apply MB principles, this can happen. However, I am skeptical but am willing to give her time.

Ed, as long as you can keep the case open and she KNOWS you will resume it if she messes up, that should be sufficient. My fear was that you would just lose all the progress you had made in the divorce, which gave you an advantage. I shudder to think that you could lose that advantage for the sake of your kids. Their security trumps all.

Yes the case will defintely remain open. She knows if she is not honest with me and faithful, then it is over. I purchased the GPS so I will be watching her very closely.

In the meantime, we had a good time together last night. I bought her flowers, made her dinner and we watched the movie Fireproof. I will try to do a stellar plan A while still being very guarded and cautious. We are going to meet with the pastor at our church and begin counseling together.

OH NO, plan A is over, Ed. The plan now has to be one of MUTUAL COMMITTMENT to recovery. Plan A means one sided giving with no expectation of return and that won't cut it.

Please be very careful.

I hear ya...we need to plan A each other. She knows this and says she is on board. If I see nothing given back in return, I will know she has not changed.

You got it!

Ed:

Here is your problem:



She is NOT capable of this.

I read your entire thread. Please go back and read from the beginning.

She is not capable of being a "good mother"

You are a terriffic father. You expect her to be the model mother. She isn't. And she will never be one.

And that is the disconnect that is in your marriage that will NEVER be fixed.

Three weeks ago the Plan D was full steam ahead, with your WW's support.

Then she found out about your dates. And you were going to Divorce her, and that she was at a true disadvantge.

So, suddenly she has been "scared straight"? I don't think so....

DO NOT drop the divorce action.
DO NOT let her move in.
Make her PROVE her transparency and actions for at least the 60 days that you asked for.

And reconcile YOURSELF to the fact that even if:

She ends her affair
Goes NC with the OM
Provides complete transparency

That she STILL will not be a "good mother"

She never was, and never will be. This is something that has to be inside you, and MB will not bring that out. POJA can not work here.

What you expect her to be in the home is not something she is capable of. That is harsh, but with everything you have posted since November, it doesn't seem possible that she can make that type of change.

Sorry, she is one of those women who are not fitting into to those streotypes of Mom and Apple Pie. And that doesn't make either of you bad people. It just makes you people. Incompatible people to a certain extent, with a gulf that may be to wide to bridge.

She can do the easy stuff. Ending the A, NC, Transparency. But where your marraige will fail in the future is her complete inability to live up to your expectations of her as a mother. She isn't the one.

Think about this.

I believe it is a very stark choice in your case.

LG

LG - I do think she is capable of making changes. Her biggest issue with the kids is a lack of patience. She had a rough childhood so she did not exactly grow up with a good example of a mother. I am hopeful that with counseling she can make improvements.

I do not expect or need her to be the stereotypical stay at home super mom. Not everyone is cut out for that and I totally get that. That is not what I meant by "a good mother" I am fine with pitching in and helping share responsibility. I just don't want to hear all the complaining about how she hates the lifestyle, feels trapped, etc. etc. If this continues, then I know she has not changed and I am out. It was this attitude that led her to need to escape and run into an affair.

Ed, she can make the choice to be a good mother TODAY. She doesn't need counseling to do that, that would just be a diversion from fixing the problem now. Delving into her childhood is a distraction.

Wow...this did not take long, so much for her being serious about things.

I had to work half a day on Sat, so WW had the kids. I came home to lots of complaining...the kids were driving her crazy. She did not want to come out bowling with us because that did not sound "fun" I could sense from just two or three days that nothing had changed. Nothing will ever change with her. This has nothing to do with me and everything to do with her wanting to live a completely selfish lifestyle. She does not want to take care of anyone but herself and when she does, she is going to be unhappy and complain constantly.

She called me yesterday and said this is not going to work. I think she realized that I can make her dinner and buy her flowers all the time, but that is not going to change anything. So in a way, at least this gives us the closure that we both need. I gave it a chance, but it is time to move on.

You all were right on with your instincts about her not being serious. I also am not surprised by the outcome, but I did think she would make it longer than three days! Oh well...Thank you to everyone for your advice and support these past few months. This site has been an amazing resource to guide me through this crazy time in my life.

THANK GOD!!

I am not thankful that this didn't work, but am thankful that you have accepted the reality that she is not serious and are removing yourself and your little kids from further harm!

I really am very sorry for you Ed. But this could have been much, much worse.

At least I was able to get a refund on the GPS tracker I bought on Sat.

I just spoke to WW...she is having second thoughts about the D. She says she wants to be a part of the kids lives and our friends, neighborhood, extended family, etc and realizes this will not happen if we D. She says she realizes that her unhappiness had very little to do with me and was her own issues and hating the lifestyle. She thinks it will get better with time as the kids get older. She also thinks would be better if she quit her job so she did not have too much on her plate.

Once again I am skeptical. I told her to end her affair first for good this time. I kind of wish she would just let go so that I can move on with my life. But then I think about what if maybe things could work out. That would be for the best fot everyone. I am torn about if I should give her more time to demonstrate she is serious or just tell her it is over.

We have a signed agreement in place...just waiting for her to take a parenting class on March 6 before we can submit to the judge. I told her I still want her to take that class. Part of me feels like she is just desperate now because she realizes what she is giving up. Even if that is the case, is that a good reason to give her another chance? I already gave her one chance a few weeks ago. I asked what is different now and she said she felt terrible the first time about ending it with OM that he didn't see it coming. I guess now it would be easier? Whatever...I just don't know...

Other than ending the affair, what else should I look for? She claims to have a new perspective on things and will work on improving her attitude. She also realizes that her affair had very little to do with me and more to do with her just wanting to escape the real world. She says she is willing to go to counseling to work on those issues.

GROUNDHOG DAY!!!

Mel's right, you know.

Yep...I know. I guess I am just having a tough time with how and what to say to her. I have been told before that I am too nice of a person...so I know that is what is at play here. Along with the slightest hope that maybe she really could change and be a better mom and wife.