EAM, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, the objective of exposure is to EXPOSE. The objective isn't to generate responses to your exposure.

The number of negative responses you've received have me wondering what sort of people are they who have influence over your WH? The responses you've posted here almost universally say, "BS, we don't know who you are but..." Do these people not know who WH married? How removed are you from these people? This concerns me.

But I repeat: The object is to expose the affair. The pushback you're getting is irrelevant. What's relevant is that these people are now "in the know," and can't claim deniability. Besides, what they say to you and what they say to him can be completely different stories. They may not want you to think you're on their side, but that doesn't mean they're on HIS side, either.

All it takes is one --one exposure target-- to choke the life out of the A. The trouble is, none of us knows which one that is. So you have to do them all.

Thank you Fred, I understand. It still hurts though.

I don't know all these people. Part of what has made this all so difficult is that the affair has been going on in the midwest and I am in Cali. We rarely went there and when we did we were mostly with his family. I did meet a few of his friends and messaged them too, there was no response from them.

His mom is supportive, but even she can't believe some of the emotional abuse he has inflicted on me. Almost all the time he is fun and kind; it's the 5% of the time he is very emotionally cruel. He says sorry always and has told me that he thinks it his fear kicking in when we start getting extra close. We were always close, but like me he was hurt badly emotionally when he was little, so letting go all the way is scary. I did and is probably why I'm in so much pain; I had been afraid too, but did it and then bam! He was gone!

Also Fred, these are all people he grew up with and went to high school with; including OW.

What really concerns me is that he had told me that they are all partiers and he has been drinking with them; among other things. I'm mostly concerned about the drinking. He is an alcoholic. He usually never drank during our marriage; although he had a few relapses on out of town business trips.

He's qutting his great job and moving there. Even the OW is a partier, so I worry he is on a major downward spiral. Maybe I shouldn't care, but I do love my H that is buried somewhere inside.

EMA



From How the Co-Dependancy Movement is Ruining M's

Dr Harley

Give me a chance to redeem myself. I, of all people, understand how the concepts of co-dependency started. I had a one-year internship in a treatment center for chemical dependency, and I owned and operated ten such centers myself. Co-dependency was something all of us addressed in marriages where one or both spouses were addicted to drugs or alcohol.

When an alcoholic is married to a loving and caring spouse, the spouse's love and care is sucked in like a black hole. It drains the caring spouse of everything they have, leaving him or her not only exhausted, but also having failed to meet their sick spouse's needs. In these cases, the non-alcoholic spouse must emotionally detach themselves or becomes emotionally destroyed.


I know I don;t know your whole sitch and am jumping in here but Harley EMPHASISES NOT TO PLAN A an active alcoholic.

I'll see if I can find the article.

Nesre

Wow, EAM. I feel for you.

There's a lot going on that raise the ol' about your marriage.

The first is your comment about him being an alcoholic. If he's actively drinking, Dr. H. says the MB concepts rarely work. That addiction has to be addressed before any other recovery can begin. Like some others on this board, I am a recovered alcoholic, and I can tell you that when you combine an alcoholic with alcohol, nothing else matters. Not you, not OM, not family, not children...

Another factor that disturbs me is this sense that you are an "outsider" to WH and his circle of family and friends. For reasons beyond my understanding, it seems that WH is being drawn back to his "stomping grounds." And you're not included. You've NEVER been included.

Being discarded like yesterday's newspaper is a major blow -- I know, like you I've been there! Especially when the person doing the discarding is the one who vowed to "love, honor and protect" through "sickness and health" and so on. It hurts like nothing else. Boy, do I get that!

Finally, he's quitting his job and moving to be with the "party crowd?" Here I think you have it pegged 100%: He's on a major downward spiral. Let's add this up: Alcohol + Irresponsibility + Estrangement = Major Disaster Looming. Do you want to be dragged into that and down with it? I'm beginning to think you may be the lucky one here.

Someone has to say it to you, EAM. Given my story, perhaps it's best coming from me: Please think long and hard about your marriage and what you want out of it. I seem to recall you've been married 6 years. But your signature shows a DS10 and DD14. What is their connection? What do they think of WH's behavior?

Thanks Nesre! I guess I've been doing it all wrong. Does that include exposure? Do I just go straight to plan B? So now he's attached to her? I wait until he hits bottom?

I've been plan on plan A. I just am so worried about my H inside of the alien. I know he went through a lot in Iraq. Thank goodness no alcohol is allowed there. But they all talked about it a lot. I think it got him going. He drank when he came home, but in very small amounts; I was worried then, but when he got back together with the high chool buddies, it was on...alcohol, pot (which is weird b/c my H doesn't smoke at all); he also told me many times that he stayed away from most of those old friends before b/c they all drank a lot and talked so badly about women; like you should treat them like crap. So, that is the influence he has now, he stays away from anyone who mentions his marriage (like family), and is on a big party binge with OW and his good ol' boy friends.

Now he's moving there. I'm scared it will destroy him and I won't ever see the sweet H I had the tearful goodbye with when he left for Iraq.

My H had pain from his youth and was a recovering alcoholic, but I saw the inside of him (until he'd get scared) and I miss him.

I was hurt as a kid too, so I "get it", but I'm hurting much worse now. Everyone says "move on", but I can't. It took me 20 yrs to get over my pain from childhood and 6 more to fully open up to him; I just don't think I could do it again or would ever want to even. I feel like my soul has been torn out. I can't make myself stop loving him and it stinks; I wish I could b/c it hurts too much.

Fred, I have been included in his family; not that is says much because he always said his closest friends were more like family to him. I did meet a few. His military friends I was also friends with, but they aren't the ones I'm worried so much about and they are much more suppostive of me.

Yes, it is a major blow to be discarded like this; I've never felt so much pain in my life. I think it would be easier if he had been home and we had not been getting along, but we were both so excited to see each other. Then he went there. All my friends were surprised I'd not go with him, but we have so many animals to care for and I truly trusted him. I feel so stupid.

No, I don't want to be dragged down, but I also don't want my H dragged down. He has been to counseling before and explained to me that he has a "falsie". It's the person he is when he is being emotionally numb. I think that is who is being right now. It's the funny guy, the comic, the drunk. The true person he is inside is sweet, shy, loving, tender, and pretty insecure and afraid. He told me that he compartmentalized my and our family. To me that says he isn't dealing with any true feelings.

The kids make it more sad for me...We are a blended family. It was rough at first, but my step daughter and my son are just like real bro and sis now; they love each other so much. My H is the only dad my son ever knew and is so crushed my this (he lost two dad's now). My step daughter called me crying saying that it feels like I'm being torn away from her. I can barely deal with my own pain, but thiers makes it unbearable.

Okay, I just read a post mentioning the TOW site. I went there and read a few posts and lterally barfed in my kitchen sink; couldn't even make it to the toilet.

EAM,

Firstly do the BEST plan A you can, give it your best shot so you know that when you go plan B, there are no "if only I had.." I have seen more than one plan B fail because there too many regrets, which lead to contact. Contact in Plan B is BAD.

Plan A is to last (for a woman) between 6-12 weeks. I did the full 12 weeks and it was HARD. I had almost nothing left to give by then. Plan B (at least at first) was actually a welcome respite from the day to day madness, heart break and anger I felt each time I was in contact with my H.

Lastly, dont go to the old witch site. They live in a fantasy world beyond understanding. They lie to themselves and each other about how wonderful it is to be them. One thing I have noticed is how quickly they change their tune about their 'soulmates' and 'star struck destiny of love' once they go the endings part.

Email me at the addy in my sigline and I'll tell you of much more fun sites to look

Thanks Lil, I sent you an email. For me it hurts when I don't see or talk to him, it hurts when I do, it hurts when he's acting nice, and when he's mean. I pray that all this gets easier; although I can't imagine the pain ever going away. We were always together. I feel like I can't even think of my kids younger years without being reminded of him and feeling such sadness.

EAM

I checked that site out to after it was mentioned. SICK

Your doing a great job with all that has happened. Went back over your thread. Rxposure letter is for you-Not for the reaction you get. Its out now and people will think what they think. The main thing is that WW now has to deal with the fallout of the TRUTH.

THATS A GOOD THING>>>>>
Your sitch in ways is similar to mine except up until 1/27/10 my WW was actively drinking and bouncing in an out of A and in and out of our home.

ITs A DOUBLE WHAMMY.

I couldn't find the article but I went back to one of my old posts and copied from the book LB's what Harlley says about alcohol/drug addiction:





You said in a couple of refernces that you two had agreed to no alcohol during your M.

He is now actively drinking. This alone has its own "ALIEN" effect. As a recovering alooholic I've been there.

As a FWW who in there right mind would bring ONS to their marital home?? TOTAL FOG w/entitlment.

Double this up with your WW's A and its a mess.

"I" had to quit sitting passively by and let my M be destroyed.

"I" had to quit enabeling the drinking and the A.

I exposed with written letters. No responses except from her family and they were supportive. Doesn;t matter. The A is now in the open. I will never let her know how many or to who those letters were sent.

Both A and drinking may continue on---Thats out of my hands-->But no longer with my help.

I would suggest contacting someone in your area or google al-anon. I know you live out in the sticks but the people involved are very dedicated to seeing that people make it to F2F meetings. For all you know your closest neighbor may even go.

The F2F support there is quite amazing and healing. Much like this board except there is nothing like a "real hug" from someone whos been there.

I'll keep you in my prayers

Nesre

EDIT: I was told early in my posting by a member here that living with an active alcoholic and working MB's is possible but it takes being well grounded in your own recovery. It also takes a fine balancing act with wisdom to know when to Plan A and when to detach from the dis-ease of alcohol-ism. (SEPERATE THE PERSON FROM THEIR DIS-EASE) MB's doesn't talk about detachment. That you'll need to learn in Al-Anon.

Thanks Nesre for all the info and your prayers. I will check for an alanon group nearby. I'm having such a dufficult time dealing with all this grief and trying to think and organize and become unemotional so that I can represent myself in court against his lawyer.. I'm noramlly pretty sharp, but I just am having a very hard time focusing.

Okay...I need some help here...New info

I was trying to decide if I should take my WH cash offer for the D which would waive my rights to the house and to his retirement. Or to take it to court

I just found out that WH indeed quit his govt job and moved to the midwest to be with OW. So, now I am worried that the retirement won't be worth it as no gains will be made and our savings plan will be withdrawn at a loss; there is 20G in there now; it won't gain either. I also worry that without him having a job I won't get any alimony, and he will let the house go and ruin my credit.

I wonder if I can even enforce the cash offer...

Can I have a vote here? The offer or court?

Court.

Court. Lawyer up, if you haven't already.

That's the problem I can't get an attorney, but he has one.

If he has no income, I won't be awarded alimony. I have no job and am up in the middle of nowhere and there are no jobs around.

EAM, you've got to have some legal help, here. Look in the Yellow Pages to see if there is any kind of Legal Aid office in your area. You are outgunned if he goes into court with an attorney and you don't. Not good. Please research this to see if you can get some help. If there isn't a legal aid office, try calling a local attorney's office to see if they can give you some direction.

Court.

Do not try an negotiate with a wayward. The A WILL NOT LAST. You responsibility to to protect the family assets from the wayward. He WILL thank you if you recover. Flick hates knowing how much $$$ he gave PQ. In fact if I hadnt been keeping a tally he would never have known because active waywards do not think about anything.

He are some links I googled up, not sure if the are in your neck of the woods or not.

free legal help

another one

another

this one because I wondered if you are getting all the state assistance you are entitled to

last one

Marital, I have and there is no legal aid here; very rural. I also called and attorney and asked about getting help or having the court order attorney fees be paid by WH. He said the courts rarely do that and that even if they did, no attorney would take it without a retainer...my WH green attorney has a 4G retainer. I don't have that and have went down every avenue to get it.

Thanks lil, I did speak to the mediator who is an attorney and a former judge. He can't give me legal advice but broke down the laws and typical judgements. The way I see it is that the 25G is better than the nothing I will more than likely get if I go to court. I may not even get the 25G still, but if he doesn't pay it will be contemt of court. The only other assets I was concerned for were the retirement and our investments, which...since he quit his job are not going to amout to 25G. The house sale may yeild a little profit, but I doubt a lot.