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HELP!!!!
I have just found out that the contact has never ended, she has his new phone number.
He told me that he still cares about me but doesn't feel the same for me as he does her.
I asked him to pack a bag and leave.
I have also found out that he has already spoken to an attorney and a real estate agent although has not done anything formal.
NOW WHAT....... Now it seems Plan B begins. If you haven't already written your Plan B letter, start now. You want to hand it to him as he's leaving. There are examples here and others will help you put it together. Then you go DARK. I'm sorry, Missy. This is tough. Believe me, I know.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Can anyone send link for Plan B letter?
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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He is telling me that he cannot walk away from either this marriage or the affair.
And I don't think I have any more strength in me to make him leave the house.
WHAT DO I DO??????
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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He is telling me that he cannot walk away from either this marriage or the affair.
And I don't think I have any more strength in me to make him leave the house.
WHAT DO I DO??????
He needs to acknowledge he is willing to continue to break your heart, knowing the pain he is inflicting.
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He says he knows what he is doing to me and it hurts him to hurt me, yet he cannot walk away.
I can't live like this.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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He says he knows what he is doing to me and it hurts him to hurt me, yet he cannot walk away.
I can't live like this.
You're gonna have to find your spine sooner or later.
If you persist in this weakened state where you can't make a move, your soul will be damaged far beyond what it needs to be.
If you can't live like this, then make a plan and do it.
A plan is not asking WH to do anything, it's YOU deciding to do do something.
We can help, but we cannot make up your mind for you.
What do you want to do?
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Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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 This is not an answer to the question...WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?Plan A? (how long) Plan B? (when) Call the Harleys? (why not?) Plan -sit and get clobbered over and over again-? (this is crazy-making) Missy - are your parents nearby? Can you go stay with them awhile? Are you eating? Are you sleeping? Are you taking anti-depressants? If you NEED your husband (as is) more than you require a healthy relationship, you're lost, I'm afraid.
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OK - A plan....
We are supposed to go to MC tomorrow night.
I am asking...Go to counseling tomorrow (I like him, thought he was pretty good), Have WS spend night at parents tonight. While at the counselor tomorrow, inform him of WS not stopping affair and establish boundaries there, give WS plan b letter?
Or just go straight to plan B tonight...and go to counseling by myself?
I fear I have fallen over the edge.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Or just go straight to plan B tonight...and go to counseling by myself?
I fear I have fallen over the edge. 
Plan B takes planning and preparation.
Besides, the moment you started Plan B, I am certain you'd break it.
You're not ready.
Answer my other questions, please.
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Sorry you are at this fork.
I Know its hard and you want this madness to end but unfortunatley you are in the eye of the storm now. Perhaps this is the most difficult time and a turning point for your recovery.
This is where you have to summon all your strenght and wits and THINK about whats best for you.
If you want to recover your M you will have to be the strong one go to plan B and let him twist and turn and see what it can be like without you filling his needs.
DO NOT LET HIM CAKE EAT. In the long run it helps no one.
Set the Bar of whats acceptable and whats not and STICK TO IT.
Most A's die what differs is the cause of death, plan A and plan B can accelerate what might otherwise be a delayed death that comes after its too late to reconcile the M.
Try to communicate what you are feeling and what you require from him without LB'ing.
Take some vitamins and get ready for the battle, its in full swing now. You can live thru this. Check out all the other threads here of Bs's in plan A and B and find hope in their sucesses.
FBW(me)- 45
FWH- 53
D-day 4/29/08
Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
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OK plan A is not working, he is a cake eater.
What do I want....
I want myself back...healthy. All of this back and forth is BS.
Yes, I am eating, sleeping (ambien), working out, and started anti-depressants last week. Still continuing with job, co-workers supportive. My parents are an hour away..I have to stay here. His parents are 1/4 mile away. He could go there...We have three active dogs...DARK may not be possible.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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When I was a freshly wounded BW, I started to make a list.
It helped me think straight.
I am a very logical thinker, and generally a very pragmatic person.
I'm going to muscle you around a little bit, so ahead of time, my apologies.
At first, my list looked like this:
"I don't think I want a marriage like this." (weak)
Then it changed into;
"I don't want a marriage like this." (still weak)
Then, I decided to challenge myself to make a list of things I was CERTAIN about. (you should try this)
Looked like this:
I am certain I will not remain married to a man who is in love with another woman.
Make your list, Missy, a list of things of which you are CERTAIN.
It will be a challenge, but do it.
Post at least 3 things, and let me look at it.
This exercise will empower you.
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Ok, so, I am not ready for Plan B...
I will take some advil for tonight, (have a massive headache), send him to his parents for tonight, call Harleys' in the morning, go ahead to counseling tomorrow night, talk to an attorney, and plan for Plan B.
How is that?
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Glad to hear that you are eating and getting sleep. Its VITAL.
If you cant sustain dark then dont start.
How long can you sustain plan A?
It takes time, for all the dust of the A to get stirred up and then for it to settle again. Does not mean its not working it just means it has not finished working.
He can want to CAKE EAT all he wants. ITS YOUR JOB TO SET THE BOUNDRIES OF WHAT YOU ARE WILLNG TO ACCEPT AND WHAT YOU ARE NOT.
Can I ask you a question
Why do you want to recover your M ?
FBW(me)- 45
FWH- 53
D-day 4/29/08
Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
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OK plan A is not working, he is a cake eater.
He's not special.
Plan A IS working.
It is YOU showing off your best side.
It is unlikely he will end his adultery without Plan B.
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I will not remain in a marriage to a man who is in love with another woman.
I will not stay under the same roof with a man who cannot commit to me. (I just asked him to leave)
I will no longer be lied to.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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I will not remain in a marriage to a man who is in love with another woman.
I will not stay under the same roof with a man who cannot commit to me. (I just asked him to leave)
I will no longer be lied to. You cannot control #3. Try re-writing that one.
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Why???I am starting to question.
I love him, until 4 weeks ago I thought we were OK, If we could go back a year and undo all might be fixable.
Or am I kidding myself - he attributes all trouble starting 3 years ago, when I returned to school to finish a master's program and continued to complete throughout cancer treatment. Now I have finished and am cancer free for 2 years.
This should have been the start of our time. Now I think he is selfish.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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