Some months ago I found out my H had an affair with one of my "friends" for more than 5 years. I am devastated. With both. She and I were very close in the beggining, then we drifted apart, mainly because I didn't feel comfortable with her and I believe because she felt the same way with me. I never discussed my suspicions with her but we kept contact, by e-mail mostly, once in a while (2-3 times per year).

My H ended the affair because he was feeling guilty. Not because he stoped loving her. He is very depressed, although he pretends to be happy. I know him, he's feeling sad he's not with her anymore. I HATE THAT! He doesn't have any bad feelings toward her, he just "realized" he could never make HER happy because he didn't want to break our marriage, so he ended it.

He told me they had ended 3 times before and HE always went after her again. They had a EA and a PA and I believed it was very intense, both parts. Although I would love to say she's the lowest person on earth, I think she loved him. I do hate her now, but I can see how he fell for that, a "nice" woman completely in love with him. He said he felt completely free with her, able to talk about anything and that she helped him A LOT. I believe she did everything in bed with him too. I feel sick.

I asked him to write a NC letter to her and he said he will not do it because the A has ended already and this time is for good. You know why he believes it's for good? Because he doesn't want to hurt HER anymore! He's completely blind, I cannot believe he loves her for real... am I wrong?

He says she never came after him when they broke up before, he always took the initiative and he had to work "hard" to convince her to accept him back. That makes me nauseaus, it's like they had a real relationship... he says he is very sorry he hurt me, he wants to work on our marriage and he will do whatever it takes to fix his mistakes, but he will not do anything to hurt the OW because "she doesn't deserve it".

I hadn't talked to her for many months when I found out about the A. I called her one day and she didn't answer her phone, so I left her a nasty message, I was so upset. She never called me back. I called her again later, and left another message saying I wanted to talk to her, there are so many questions about the A I want to know, I think he's not telling me everything. I want to know all details, what they talked about, what they did in bed. She didn't answer me again. It's like she went completely NC with me.

I have his e-mail passwords and check his phone everyday, I don't think they are talking anymore. He doesn't have access to computers in his work. He told me they never wrote to each other, just phone calls, several times per week (plus the PA encounters). He also says she was very hurt when he broke up with her, and she told him she would never talk to him again. He keeps saying it's over and I don't have to worry about her, that now, we only have to work in our marriage.

I don't know what to do. I want to talk to her, she also betrayed me, we were friends and how come she did that? I just cannot believe it, she helped me so much in the past, with my problems, career, family, she was really a friend! When I started to think she had feelings for my H I was also feeling so guilty because I believed she was a good person and I was being paranoid, crazy, for having those thoughts. Then, when we drifted apart, I always had this bad feeling that maybe I had been unfair with her. 5 YEARS I felt this way, this is so sick! I hate hate hate her.

I sent her a letter last week, I told her about how I was feeling about HER betrayal, I asked her questions. She returned the letter without even opening it! I called her again and she finally answered me, she just said "I will never discuss my relationship with H with you, talk to him" and hung up. She changed her phone number now.

I know I have to focus on my M and this is what I want to do. I won't look for her anymore. But it bothers me so much that they had this deep relationship and that my H is completely against hurting her. I want him to write a very nasty letter to her and he said this is out of the question. He insists she'll never call or write to him anyway, so why should he hurt her because of his mistakes? I just don't understand this.

Am I going crazy here?
Please, give me some advices.

Sorry If I made mistakes, English is not my first language.

Edited: if it makes difference, we've been married for 10 years and have a 5 year old son. The OW is single.

Hi Winter, I'm sorry you have to be here. But here is where you will get plenty of very good advice. Advice that will help you if you listen to the people giving it. Everyone here has been affected by another's wayward behavior.

If you have not already done so, I suggest reading everything you can about Marriage Builder (MB) concepts and surviving infidelity. There are links to the right under the "Most Popular Links" section. If you can, get a copy of the book, Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley. You might find this at your local library, book store or here online.

Now to some specifics. You say you've been married but your husband (H) carried on this affair for five of those years. That he "ended it" three times. Well, as you can see, he never ended it, and according to you

he is still not willing to end it. Since you are familiar with the abbreviations used here, you should also read up on Plan A and Plan b. You should begin Plan A, which means gathering evidence of his infidelity (not just his word) so that you can expose it to everyone who has influence over him. In the mean time, you need to start being the wife and mother of his child that he loved and married, in preparation for Plan B.

I've given you a lot in a very short time. It's overwhelming and a very traumatic time, so again, my first advice is to read up everything you can here, get Surviving an Affair, and then post on here to get the advice and directions on how to recover your marriage.

I pretty new here, so my take may not carry a lot of weight. The seasoned vets will chime in, I'm sure.

You've got a lot going in the positive direction right now, so concentrate on moving forward and don't dwell on their relationship in the past. Your husband seems sincere on breaking off the affair and wanting to work on the marriage. My wife hasn't expressed that desire, yet, so it could be much worse.

You're taking the wrong approach with the no contact letter. He is in withdrawal (from her) right now and will feel sad and moody. Nothing you can do to change that except to be there for him and try to meet his emotional needs. Forcing him to write a "nasty" letter will just make him feel worse and resent you more. Instead, the letter should state the reason for breaking it off is because he loves and wants to work on his family and continuing contact with her will not allow this. The letter needs to be sincere, not hurtful to anyone.

It sounds like your husband made the decision of his own accord to break it off (finally) and make his marriage work. You are way ahead of the game in that respect, so things are looking up.

Other will give you a ton of council on staying vigilant. As good as his intentions are now, he will be tempted daily to contact here again, especially if she initiates it.

Does the other woman have a family? Letting them know will also go a long way towards ending it.

The A died a natural death...after 5 years in most cases it does. However...he must write a NC letter and you must expose him to friends and family.
A are a choice and they have consequences. YOur H acted as a lyer and a cheater for 5 years. He has to live up to the consequences now. He can;t just say..well the A is over let's pretend it never happen adn I will return to beein the nice guy I was before the A.
It does not work that way.
I understand your obsession with OW, but leave her alone. Work on your M and your relationship with your H. Do not give her any importance.
My H also said to me after his 1st A that he actively pursued OW. They in fact do. They are cheaters and not only they choose the A they pursue the OW. So you see...you need to concentrate on putting the bar high for you recovery (R) and have your H meet your requests. If he can't....then he will soon cheat on you again, with her or yet another.
Stay strong and assert yourself. You have all the rights!
Never call OW again.
Blessing

Your H is in withdrawal and is being selfish (as are all waywards.) The NC letter isn't for the OW or for him so much as it is a demonstration of commitment to YOU. He needs to understand that.

You have the right to know what was going on in your M for those five years, and if that means knowing all the details of the A, so be it. He has to understand that and respect your RIGHT to know the truth of your marital history.

I do not believe the A is over. I believe it is in a holding pattern and will resurface at your WH's desire. If he is truly remorseful (and it sounds like he isn't) he will do what he needs to do in order to help you heal. If he refuses to write the NC letter, you need to decide if you are willing to accept a M that is in a holding pattern.

Do not contact the OW again. Consider her a non-entity in this. She will obviously not be helpful to you, so don't waste the energy on her.

Keep reading here. You'll learn a ton that will help you.

He broke up with her because she was demanding more commitment from him. If she had continued to be OK with the way things were, he wouldn't have broke up with her. He told me that. He was feeling guilty for sure, but I wonder how much of that guilty was not towards HER... yeh, it's unbeliavable to think that, but I believe he was feeling guilty for betraying me and for "betraying her" too!

He says they haven't talked since the day he ended it. He says she never came after him when he ended before. He tried to be apart, he could do it just for a few months and then he went after her again. He says this time he really hurt her, she told him very clearly she would not put up with that anymore and it would be the end. He says he knows she will never look for him and he promised me he will never call her again.

Although I want him to write a nasty letter and humiliate her, I read other posts and suggested him a business-like NC letter. He still says NO. He says it will only hurt HER, it will no make any difference in our recovery because there will be no contact anymore anyways. He is protecting her feelings, I know that.

The OW has no family in this city. We are all new to this part of the country, that's how we met 6 years ago, we had no family or friends in this area. Since we drifted apart some years ago, I have no idea who are her friends now, where she works. We do have some friends in common, but they are really my friends, she separated from them too... I know they will be on my side and I dont think she will care if they hate her too.

Last night I told him I would expose the affair to everybdoy, put in the Facebook and internet and he went nuts... he said I'm doing this just to hurt the OW and that he cannot beleive I am spiteful. He said I want to work in our M, I want to be with you, but I will not agree in hurting her just because. I don't know what to do.

I will read Plan A and B, thanks.

winter, is she married?

No, she's single.
I can't stop thinking about them together, I'm going crazy.

winter, I would get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program of recovery. Following this plan can recover your marriage. Here is a thumbnail sketch of the program, and it really does work if you both use it:

continued here

winter, how are you ensuring they have ended contact? How was he able to hide an affair that long? Do you live completely separate lives?

He said that the only way of contact was phone calls. I checked his private e-mail and found nothing, he rarely uses computer at home (I put a keylogger just in case) and he doesn't have acess to computers at work. I also think he would be scared of having something in writing, so I do believe it was only phone calls. I check his phone everyday and never saw a message or something like that. He also knows I will be chceking his phone bill to see all the calls. This is what I am doing now, is there something else I should do?

The PA happened on the weekends, when he said he had overtime to do. Sometimes he really had overtime, but most of time it was an excuse to get out the house and see her. That was part of the problem in their relationship, he was not being able to see her all the time anymore, I was getting suspicious of so many overtime (in this ecomony? yeh, right!) and they had to spend more time apart. She didn't accept that, and when it became a huge problem for her, he ended it. There are NO MORE overtimes for him, I don't care if he loses his job, this is no-negotiable. During the week, he goes and comes back from work with a friend of us.

What else I can do to be sure? I don't know why, but I really think they are not talking anymore, I know I may be wrong, but I think they are not. He told me that he was able to keep NC with her the other times too, but eventually he went after her because he missed her very much. He now says he won't go after her anymore, he learned his lesson, he wants to work on our M and NOT HURT HER anymore.

Each day I hater her more and more!!!!!!

Expose this affair to every human being you know. That means his parents, siblings and friends. If they worked together expose it at there work.

Expose it to every human being OW knows. Her parents, friends, siblings, everyone.

That will ensure the death of the Affair.

winter, as much as you want to kill him right now, please don't give into the temptation to attack him. He needs your help to withdraw. If he can draw TO you while he withdraws, your marriage can recover if you use the plan in SAA. As galling as this sounds, everytime you attack him, you make the OW look GOOD. And you don't want to do that.

But part of his draw to the OW was the SECRECY, so I would follow Gacks' advice and get the news of the affair out there. Tell your children, family and close friends. Tell the OW's family and friends via facebook so they can know what kind of person she is and protect themselves from her. This will RUIN the main binding force in the affair, which is a fantasy based on secrecy. The affair doesn't look so pretty anymore once others are looking on with disgust.

For an A to be able to last 5 years the secrecy played a big part. Also the week-ends together living the fantasy without bills, kids or problems played a big part.
At this point the A is half dead so the final blow is exposure and a good plan A from your part. That, IMO will give you a good % of being able to R your M well.
Blessing

winter, if it was phone calls, then look for a prepaid phone. Look for unaccounted cash spent, and charges on bank accounts or CC's for one. Like, if he bought $40 worth of gas one day, then two days later spent $50 at the same gas station, he may have bought a prepaid phone there.

Is his job one where you can surprise him there? If he's using a prepaid phone to contact her, he's probably keeping it at work. I don't know how the vets feels about this, but I personally would have no problem showing up unexpectedly and insisting on emptying his pockets.

I'm afraid he will hate me if expose the A to HER friends and family. I found out about the A 2 months ago and since then, I told our friends and family, he didn't like it, he felt betrayed and it was a very dark period in our life, but he came to his senses and said he deserved to be seen as a bad person and he would take it. But when I said I would ruin her life too because of her part in the A, he was REALLY upset and said he would never forgive me if I did that. He said he will never forgive himself if something he participated willingly caused her ruin and in that case it would be better for us to divorce since he would never be able to live himself and that "I could do much better than him".

I want to hurt her too, but at the same trime, I don't want to jeopardize our recovery, other than "hurting" the OW (in his view of course), he is doing everything I ask... 1 month ago I made him call her in front of me, from his cell phone (like he used to do during the A) and she didn't answer it. I made him keep calling her until she finally answered and she said "I don't want to talk to you ever again" and hung up. She then changed her cell phone number too.

Am I being dumb again?
Should I risk it, and expose her too?

He works with my brother, there is NO way he's calling her now that everybody knows about the A. After I found out, I asked my brother to keep an eye on him, and my brother was able to transfer my H to the same department he works. They are ALWAYS together, that was also one of my no-negotiable requirements to keep the marriage.

I am controling our finances now, I check everything and I only give him a small weekly allowance for gas and food. But I will ask my brother to double check the workplace again.

Exposing her will accomplish a few things that really need to be accomplished: OW needs to be exposed to all who know her, so that they can protect their OWN loved ones from her. If they know she is an adultress they will be able to protect other marriages from her. Exposure will also remove the secrecy of the A and will expose the fantasy to a harsh reality. Affairs and reality are like oil and vinegar - they don't mix very well.

And if you accomplish the goal of feeling better having exposed her wicked ways, well, that's an added bonus.

SHE doesn't deserve it?! She wanted him, even if it meant breaking up your family and taking him from you and his 5 y.o. son. No, she remains a threat to the M, not an innocent bystander.

I would say also make HIM get a new cell phone number. My H agreed to change his cell phone number because that was how OW knew how to reach him. The phone number that OW may have needs to be disconnected. The final contact was him sending OW a note that their relationship was over, that he would not be contacting her any longer and for her not to contact him. That he was committed to saving our marriage. He needs to let her know that it's over and completely BREAK all means of former communication.