*I* am not protecting this A... my H is.

I don't care about her feeling or whatever will happen to her once everybody knows about the A. I care about my H and his feelings. Yes, I know, he didn't give a [censored] about me and my feeling for 5 years, but once I made the decision to forgive him and keep my M, I want to do it right.

I understand exposing her will be the be right thing to do. And I said I am going to do. I am just afraid of how this will affect my chances of R with my H. He cheated on me, he lied and he doesn't deserve me, I get that, but I made a choice to be with him.

I'm just afraid, that's what I am saying here.

winter, the main reasons this has gone on so long is because a) it has been kept secret which fueled the fantasy and b) the absence of consequences.

Think of it this way. Exposure is like bringing a crowd of onlookers into the crack house to watch the crackheads. It is no fun to get high when every one is watching with disgust on their face.

But if you don't bring in the crowd of onlookers, the addicts can freely get high and revel in their little sick fantasy world. When they LEAVE the crackhouse they remember only the good feelings of the narcotic high and WANT TO GO BACK! They feel tempted all the time.

But that high will be ruined and the feelings will be BAD if the last thing they remember is the disgust and horror of the people they love and respect watching. That will cause them to see themselves through the eyes of others. It will bust the fantasy.

And sure, the crackheads will be so FURIOUS when you ruin their little fantasy. But that is ok. They are high! When they are sobered up, they won;t be angry, they will be grateful that you brought them out of the sewer.

TURN ON THE LIGHTS IN THE CRACKHOUSE, BABY!

Winter...this comes from my personal experience. I lost my M because I did not expose my H during his first A.
I agreed to R the M even if H told me stuff such as OW helped me thru a very dark time...when the only alternative to the A was suicide. AND: She is a nice person, you would like her if you met her. AND: I do not want to hurt her as the A got pretty deep and we were really involved.....bla bla bla...
I drank the cool aid and then...after barely 3 years he started an A with the downstairs OW. She is a real sl8t and he is a real cheater so the combo was explosive.
IF I had exposed his first A and if I had followed the MB principles, maybe today I would not be separated from him with him living on his own and continuing his fantasy with OW durign week ends and at their leisure without her kids being in the way.....
Winter...if you want a chance to really R, expose. If you want a false R, don't.

AND...I am not yet done with exposure. Even if it has been 5 montsh since I expose to all our families and friends I have still not tackled the OW. And I will. Believe me. I am planning to expose to her priest, her friends and her ex H. And her kids who are 10 and 13. I will tell them to their face when she is not there that their mommy ruined my marriage by sleeping with my husband when he was still living with me and my son.
They need to know. There will be not pity in this. Revenge...yes, there is a lot of that too.
blessing

winter, the things we are telling you are with this goal in mind: recovery. I think it WILL affect your chances of recovery if you don't expose the affair. We are speaking as people who HAVE recovered our marriages and DID expose. Those that don't expose, have a much lower chance of recovery, IMO. Your H has been fighting this addiction for years, winter. That is because the bubble has never burst. If others knew about this, it would ruin the fantasy and burn that bridge possibly.

I exposed the A to everybody in our circle. Friedns, family, workplace, church, neighbours. I did not expose it to HER circle, this is what he doesn't want me to do. He says we have to fix our M, our issues and he has to fix his issues so we'll be fine. "No need to ruin OW's life now that the A is done" (his words, not mine).

I'll do it, I am a friend on her FB, just pray for me.

Yes, winter, do it. She has everything to do with your R.
I will pray for you!
blessing

Prayers are coming your way, friend. I would be sure and include your REAL email address so that anyone can follow up with you. You might even ask that someone call her parents and ask them to call you so you can have a one on one discussion with them.

Secondly, you will get supportive emails and you will also get emails from crapwits saying obnoxious, mean things. Just delete them and go on! You don't need the approval of crapwits anyway. Who cares what they think?

I would phrase the email something like this:

Dear friends of skankyhola,

It is with great regret that I write this letter, but I felt i should share some news about skanky. Skanky has been having a sexual affair with my H for the past 5 years. We have been married for 11 years and have 2 darling daughters, aged 5 and 8. Her affair with my husband has almost destroyed our marriage and my children's family.

I have evidence of the affair, along with my husband's admission of the details. When I emailed skanky and asked for her side of the story, she told me to get the details from my H, which I did.

I am sending this to warn you to watch your own marriages around her, because you could be at risk too. i would also appreciate it if someone could pass this message to Skanky's parents and ask them to call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx so I can speak to them personally.

Thank you,

Sally Winter
Timbuktu, New Yawk
sally@yahoo.com

Mel,

How did you know her first name and where she lived/email?

You are good!!!!!

winter,

take this advice and do it to the T.

Jes call me Madame Cleo from Texas!

I did it!

I bet she defriends you on facebook.

I was surprised she hadn't done that yet. She is not into FB too much, she probably doesn't even remember she had me in her list of friends.

Good job, winter! Did you send emails to all her friends?

Just sit back and wait for the fireworks. Expect some nasty emails from some of her "friends" defending her affair and you won't be disappointed.

No, I don't have their e-mails. I sent a message through FB to all of them. I used your template.

So far nobody has answered me anything. She didn't have a lot of people in her list of friends, I remember she told me once (long time ago) she was not into FB and other internet social groups, so I don't even know she checks it often.

Awesome job, winter!

My sister did that to her OW and it was very effective.

Oh, and by the way, winter, the fact that OW told your H not to call her and changed her phone number may mean nothing, so don't relax your vigil as far as watching for resumed contact. Some A's thrive on drama (much like the break up/make up stuff high school kids go through), and the drama actually fuels the passion of the A.

My FWH and his AP spent a month waggling back and forth: "I'm going to work on my marriage"..."I can't imagine staying married and not being with you"..."It's over"..."Okay, I didn't mean it, it's not over"...you get the idea.

I got a message from one of her FB friends. It was a woman, she asked me if I was sure I was talking about the right person. She told me the OW was not even living in our state anymore, that she had accepted a job in another state and had moved some weeks ago and that I probably got the wrong person. She told me to not e-mail her anymore because she doesn't want to get involved in this kind of thing, but she wished me luck anyways.

Did the OW move? I would email her back and assure her it is the right person.

E-mail whom? The lady from FB or the OW?