Yes, I'm ready to start working on my M. But I don't think I can deal with my H while he's like that, maybe he's right and it will be better if we stay away for a while.

Your marriage can survive his anger.

It can not survive an affair.

And I agree with everyone else that even though the physical part appeared to be over, from your H's perspective, the emotional part was not. And that's dangerous. You need to wipe out the A, exterminate it as though it were bubonic plague.

Then you can start to work on R.

I didn't tell you to get a divorce. I just told you to put an end to your WH's cake eating. He will eat cake as long as you allow. Your marriage is LESS LIKELY to survive the longer you allow him to eat cake because it allows him to do more damage your marriage and erode your lovebank. The longer you allow this behavior, the more he feels entitled to continue it. Ever hear the saying, "give him an inch and he'll take a mile." Don't give another inch.

Your WH needs to feel consequences for his behavior. You are shielding him from those consequences and enabling him to continue his abuse of you.

If you get a divorce lawyer that hits him hard in the form of a very unattractive separation settlement, he'll be less likely to pursue divorce. Living on his own in a dump with most of his money coming straight out of his paycheck to you will certainly make him think, "Is this better than staying married." He wants to know what it would be like to be single, give him a taste. Let him choke on it.

Also, by getting the legal separation, it allows you to go to a dark plan B. Guess what happens then. He might worry about losing YOU. Right now he knows he can always to back to you. You've made that clear. By going dark, he has no idea if you are ready to move on. It makes him speed up the decision process. He may feel like he has to agree to your Plan B letter conditions or he'll be stuck with no one. You take the power back in the relationship.

You handled this beautifully, winter. The critical issue here is that a) your son needs to be told the TRUTH about the source of turmoil in his family: THE AFFAIR and b) your H should not be allowed to tell him lies and spin this as he has with you. That will teach your son dishonesty.

The boy needs to be told the TRUTH about why his dad is leaving for the weekend.

winter, your marriage may not have been a happy place, but it takes TWO people to screw up a marriage. He is equally at fault for that. AND HE IS 100% AT FAULT FOR CHOOSING TO COMMIT ADULTERY.

I would tell him this:

"I love you and want our marriage to work, but I know it can't work if it is based on dishonesty and secrecy. I am here and ready to work on the marriage on that basis." <----just be a broken record

winter, there is absolutely no reason to contact a lawyer. When your husband calms down, he will come home. His anger will blow over.

Jim, I appreciate your advices, but I don't think this is what's happening with my H. He doesn't want to be single, I am pretty sure of that. He wanted to be with me and his OW for sure, I mean, isn't that the point of every WH? That's why he's upset now, because he realized he CAN NOT.

And you know what? I think I was wrong when I thought that the OW was the problem, trying to seduce him and destroy our M. IT BREAKS MY HEART to say that, but it's pretty obvious he was the one going after her. Whatever happened between them, it's pretty clear she moved on, she's not the one complaining she cannot talk to him anymore or is worried of what he's thinking about her.

I do believe my H is in a fog and it's being very hurtful for me to see that. He's not saying "I miss her, she's wonderfeul", but I know him and I can see he's desperate because he knows now that SHE will not want him. Do you have any idea how hurtful this is?

And not matter how much I love my H, I will never accept him back if it's because "being single is not better than being married". If he cannot love me anymore, then we'll divorce, but I will not accept crumbs. I am not a OW, I deserve a whole relationship.

>Do you have any idea how hurtful this is?


Nearly everyone here knows exactly how hurtful it is.

Amidst all his fogbabble, Winter, I think he said one thing that was dead on. He probably said it for the wrong reasons, but it's really the truth.

He said: It's not about her, the OW.

It's never about the other person. It's about you and him and THE MARRIAGE. A good friend told me this right after I busted my H on his EA and was hysterical and ready to disembowel the OW.

He told you that in a fogbabble of wanting to protect her and keep his path back to her clear. But you should take those words at their literal meaning. OW means nothing more than the dirt on the bottom of your shoe. Don't even waste time or energy thinking about her. Put your energy into your marriage and listen to the vets here. The advice is right on target.

winter, the reason your H feels this way is because the fantasy has thrived on secrecy for years. Your exposure has ruined all that. Now the OW is ticked off and much less likely to take him back. People are looking at him with sheer disgust which BURSTS the fantasy he has held all these long years.

You have simply opened the vampires coffin and he is screaming, screaming, resisting the day light. But that is ok. It is the first step towards recovery.

Please listen to this very carefully, winter. Most marriages do not ever recover from adultery. They do not know how to create romantic love in the marriage that replaces the fantasy feelings of the affair. However, you do have a chance to do that if you use this program in its entirety. You and your H can have a passionate, romantic marriage that makes his affair PALE in comparison. You can have that.

Adultery isn't a consequence... it was a CHOICE made by your WH. There were likely many other choices open to him. He chose poorly.

Don't let him try to convince you otherwise.

Those feelings of embarrassment he's going through now? That's a better example of a CONSEQUENCE.

Do not buy into his crap about OW being a good woman, blah, blah. She is playing her game for keeps. What she has done is to go into the OW version of Plan B, in order to force him into deciding to divorce you.

What she is counting on is your lovebusting your H.

Exposing her is GOOD, because that ends any hope she had of claiming that she didn't get together with your WH until after your divorce.

Listen to Melody.

Do NOT lovebust your WH...no angry outbursts or fighting. Don't fight with him about your exposure of her. Smile and CALMLY say, "I only did what is best for our marriage. Do you want a piece of cake (or any type of snack you have on hand)?"

Focus on making your home a warm and inviting place to be.

Meet as many of his needs as you can.

Take care of yourself and your son. Be the absolute BEST that you can be.

Your husband will get over his anger.

Listen to LC...every word from her fingers is pure gold.

Sorry about the two posts. The first one posted before I was finished with it, and MB wouldn't let me delete it.

Did you tell your brother WHY your husband is acting this way?
That he is fealing pitty for the woman that tried to destroy your marriage.

Wow, you are amazing, thank you so much for all your support... I don't know what it would have happened if I hadn't find this place. Thanks, thanks, thanks!

My H called me and told me he wants to come on Sunday. He asked me to not tell anything to my son yet, he wants to be present when we talk to him. I agreed to that.

Hopefully, spending 2 days apart will help both of us to see the situation better. I will try very hard to control myself and not discuss the OW anymore, I know it really doesn't help right now. If I can ignore this, I think I have a chance of following Plan A when he decides to come back.

I sure hope that he is not going to see OW (suitcase, coming back on Sunday).

Yes, my brother knows everything. He and my H were very close and my brother is trying to help him to understand what he did, but you can only push a man so far at once... my brother told me to give him a little space because my H was NOT well the whole day, he was very depressed and my brother saw him crying many times. My brother thinks it will be good for both of us to stay 2-3 days apart and then, come together with a plan to save our M.

My brother also told me something that you have told me here many times already... it's like seeing an addict going through a serious withdraw, and that right now he needs help, not screams and fights. He is not defending my H in any shape or form, but maybe he's seeing something that I am not (yet).

Sigh... I'll try very hard to help him to get over this, I do want to have my H and M back, but I am sure you know better than me, IT IS NOT EASY.

I doubt very much that he even knows she's not living here anymore. I do have my issues with my H behaviour, but I am quite confident that they were really NC... probably because SHE decided to go NC with him, but still...

He's staying with my brother this weekend. My brother will be able to talk and listen to him if he wants to, and I know my brother will do and say only what it's best for me and my M. I feel better now.

My sister went through almost the same thing this past fall. OW had told him the A was over after we confronted her but they were still texting. Then she did the FB exposure and the OW wouldn't talk to her WH anymore. He was very angry and told her he was "done" repeatedly. He came around. It took a few days.

You are getting great advice. Don't engage him in his fogbabble. I believe my sister was a broken record and said the things you have already been told such as "I did what I had to fight for our M" and "I have hope we can rebuild a better M"...other than that, try to keep your Plan A going, spend time with your son, take care of yourself, look good, make the home inviting, etc.

It will get better! {{Winter}}}