What she said..

Try to look at it like you finnally see that there is an enemy stalking your marriage that you both never saw before and that your fear is well founded. He fell victem as you did.

H wanted to know what everyone's response was to what I had posted and I read to him what I posted and everyone's response. He liked Pepper's response the best and said that she was levelheaded. H said that he didn't care if I search everything and anything but he didn't like the way I went about it. He does agree with Pepper though and that is a start.

Still hoping and praying.

'PB', I love that post about trust, its perfect.
Do you mind if I use it in my signature area? I will remove it if you want?

I so wish that I had read your posts on trust two and a half years ago, Pep. I often felt almost overwhelming guilt checking up on FWH when he was trying soooo hard. Even today, your post brought tears to my eyes.

I always take your posts very much to heart as we are just about the same age. Thank you for taking your time to help.

God's Blessing,

Say

Are you kidding me?
I "borrow" other people's words for my sig line all the time.

Use away.

I love plaugerizing. It makes me look like I am so smart.

I have this theory that everything worth saying and every story that has a lesson in it has already been told before and the great poets,teachers are really just smart in that they are observant enough to re-write the storys in modern terms and culture.

That in itself is a talent and a skill, but the depth of the meaning is plagurized from common life experiances.

It comforts me also to know that in tough times although my life with its specific circumstances and my individual human makeup and/or uniqeness is different from anyone else in history as we all are. The same problems and troubles have been experienced by others and can effect anyone.

We all need each other

Traci,
Trust is earned, not given.
Just this past week, your H proved he still cannot be trusted.
He needs to feel comfortable being monitored for the foreseeable future. This monitoring will actually help you recover, and he should understand that.
Anytime you want, go check that truck and any other hidey-holes he has.
You're doing it because you want to SAVE your M, not destroy it.

Feeling a little better today. I am going to ask my H for his phone tonight when he gets home and check it. If he has nothing to hide then he will turn it over without any problem. Right now H seems to be doing better and is more relaxed. He is starting to sleep a little more and better. Will keep an eye on him as I don't trust him and don't expect to right now. That will take TIME.

Plan on surprising H this weekend by renting a motorcycle and go riding on Saturday. As I have written before I am riding behind him and that is because I don't drive motorcycles. Hoping to persuade H to go to a Mardi Gras celebration Friday evening on the beach at a large area that is full of shops and resturants and is a great place to have some fun.

Still hoping and praying.

Checked H phone and found nothing. I am not even sneaking. I just picked it up and looked. I figured if he caught me I would have told him that you said I could look. I do look when he is not around so as not to cause any strife but I am not sneaking because I don't care if he sees me.

DD 19 came home last night. She said she couldn't handle all the screaming and yelling in basic and all she did was cry. She said it reminded her of her Dad. I hope H took note of this. I do have to admit he hasn't been like that in years. He has mellowed out a lot over the past 5 yrs with just a few explosions. I feel bad for her. She now has to find a job and try to get back in school this fall.

Still hoping and praying.

Not everyone is cut out for a military career. I know I couldn't take it, either. The physical wouldn't bother me, but the verbal abuse would be tough. Also, if I thought I was smarter than my superior, it would be tough to conceal my contempt
But I am so glad for all the folks who CAN make the sacrifices to be in the military. She'll find something else.

Good news, DD 19 has an interview at the hospital where I work. She is applying for a part time unit secretary position in my unit. It is only 48hrs every 2 weeks and she has to work 2 days and 2 nights. I told her she could pick up hours anywhere in the hospital if she wanted full time hours. She is so excited. This week has not been good. She came home Monday, her boyfriend broke up with her on Tuesday, and she found out Thursday that she owes the IRS about $90(she was hoping to get some back). I hope she gets the job because she could use something good happening to her.

Talked to H yesterday about me going to Mobile overnight on March 25th with the girls from work to see Jeff Dunham, the comedian. He doesn't care if I go but I told him I wouldn't go if he didn't want me to and he said he still didn't care. This got us talking about the POJA. We talked about it again this morning. I am taking it just one step at a time with him.

Still hoping and praying.

Talked to H today about him and about us. He feels if things haven't improved in a couple of months that he is moving out and getting a roommate. He says this isn't fair to me and that he isn't happy right now. He asked me what I thought about this and I told him that he had to do what he needed to do. I told him that he needed to go to IC and he asked what this would do and I told him to help him get through this. I emailed him "revised: A quick Guide on Withdrawal for FWS and BS". I don't know what else to do because I don't want to force him to stay. He told me that I have been wonderful and done so much to make him feel at home and to make him at ease. That there is nothing that I have done wrong. I just feel so lost right now. I have done everything right and have been meeting his emotional needs the best that I can and that he allows me to do. There is nothing else that I can do. He has to figure everything out on his own. All I can do is be there for us. I just hope he remembers that with me it is all or nothing. I cannot just be friends with someone that I want more from.

Still hoping and praying.

This is ringing alarm bells for me. He wants to move out and get a roommate "if things don't work out"?

No, if he cannot get past his feelings for OW. He thinks he should be getting over her already. Told him that everyone is different and that it could take months for him to get over her or even start to get over her.

I am still praying for him and for us. And for me as well.

I cannot tell him what he should do but just suggest it. He has to be the one to make up his mind. I know that eventually he will get there and I hope that I am around but I cannot promise anything. It hurts right now and I am so tired. As they say, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink."

Still hoping and praying.

Traci,

Ask him to agree to 6 months of working on a plan to make your marriage one you can both be happy with. Then call the coaching center.

Tell him that if he gives you a real effort for 6 months, has absolutely NC at all with OW and does certain things that can help him to fall in love with you all over again, if after that time he is not willing to stay in the marriage you'll let him go.

Recovery will take longer than 6 months, but if he will let you both work a real plan to fall in love, THAT can happen in 6 months time. Half effort will result in failure.

Each identify and rank ENs.
Begin meeting those ENs for each other.
Eliminate Love Busters.

But you both have to do it together.

After things begin to improve, book a MB weekend.

It works...

I understand that you are tired, worn out and sick of fighting. Stop fighting and fix the problem. The problem is not being in love with each other. THAT can be fixed.

Divorce can happen any time. A marriage can only be saved during a narrow window of opportunity and only by following a specific plan.

Ask him to give you 15 hours per week working on a plan to fix it. Spend that 15 hours as UA time, meeting the intimate ENs and not talking about problems of the past or even the present.

The feeling of love is not magic, nor is it mystical, nor is it something that goes away and cannot return. It is the way our emotions react to someone doing things that make us happy.

Meet ENs
Avoid Love Busters.

Fall in love.

It works...

Last Wednesday night in our MB class at church, my wife again shared how our marriage was done, how she had nothing but contempt for me and how she was ready to walk away. She told of how I began to make changes to the way I did things, said things, showed her that I valued her and eliminated my thoughtless behaviors. She told about beginning to spend time together even though at first she'd rather be almost anywhere else other than with me. She ended by telling me that our marriage is better today than it ever was, even when brand new. We started with a commitment to try and give our best effort before divorcing and ended up falling in love.

It works...

We worked a plan. We're in love again.

It works...

Call for an appointment.

It works...

The questionnaires are not required, but they get to the results a lot faster. The paperwork means very little to the plan, but the plan works.

Get a plan and work it to the end, no matter what that end might be.

Mark

Boy, is my H an idiot. I finally kind of lost it tonight and let him know how I feel. I told him that it was all about him and that I was tired of him sitting on his butt like he always did and doing nothing. He said he couldn't do anything until he got over her and that I shouldn't talk about it now because he had several drinks and he might say something wrong. I let it all out. Told him that no matter what I say that he had to figure it out for himself and he agreed with me. I told him how he could want to be with someone who would lie and betray her own husband and how could he trust someone that would screw someone else's husband. I told him he couldn't because she could do it to him. I told him I wasn't going to say anything else becasue he would be mad and he asked if it was about him and I said no and he asked if it was about her and Isaid yes. In the end I told him that I was a better person than she was and he knew it. He didn't say anything when I left him sitting outside. I am so tired of it! I know I probably shouldn't have done what I did but right now I don't care. It should be about us and not him. Poor, poor, pitiful him.

That is the rollercoaster. Don't beat yourself up. You are a human being, not a robot.

It is not about the words you say (well most of the time) but you actions and treatment that are the loudest communicators.

You are doing great! You can always apologise later for losing your temper, that does not mean that the CONTENT of what you said was not real, or had valid points.

Good luck to your daughter.

I cannot get H to agree to anything. He is not going to go to IC and he thinks that things should already be improving since it has been 38 days. He will not listen to anything I say. He says that if nothing improves in a month or 2 that he is going to move out and get aplace of his own becasue it isn't fair to me. He says he has to get over her first before he can work on us. he isn't doing anything right now to work on us. I have no idea what to do. HE WON'T DO ANYTHING, HE REFUSES TO UNTIL HE GETS OVER "HER"! How can I meet his ENs if he won't let me. I am doing the best I can. I am keeping the house clean and don't ask him for help, I cook and do everything so his domestic needs are met. I try to give him affection which he turns away. He doesn't have to worry about money. I am open and honest with him. I talk to him about anything and everything. I cannot get him to really do anything with me and I even ask him what he would want to do. I am not even going to try for SF because I know he will turn me down and I don't need that. I have always been proud of him and I have told him that. So what else is there for me to do?

Still hoping and praying.

There will be NO response while he is in withdrawal. Plan A wont fly. Work on yourself, contact the ladies at your church. Become physically active. Nothing kills stress better than strenuous activity.

Do this before you become Achmat (I kill you).