I'm confused.
These are his step children, correct?

DD is my step daughter. Her mom is fully supportive of me. DS is my natural son, but not WH natural son. But the two think of each other as real bro and sis, DD thinks of me as a second mom and DS well WH is the only dad he has ever known.

DD's mom wishes there was a way to keep WH from taking DD around his "F**k Buddies". Is there?

I bumped a thread:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...flat&Number=2319026&#Post2319026

DD10's Mama should document the child's responses, reactions, etc.
In exact quotes whenever possible.

Document the effect it is having on her.

Thanks Pepper! It's actually DD13, but she was abused terribly by XW#2. I will tell her mom. Thanks again so much.

I am a good lil' student and I love watching Schoolbus at work so -

Look at the third 'paragraph' (honestly does this woman not know about punctuation) and we get , which incidentally is also the paragraph with the most information in it, and we are getting the 'real' point of this e-mail

I think the red bits is her justifying to herself - and EAM. The blue highlight is the thrid within the third and is the sole reason for this letter.

The rest of the paragraph is interesting to me because of the inconsitancies in it. He wants you and DS to be taken care of and have a good life, but he wants you to 'move on'. He will 'be fair' and hold up to an undisclosed agreement, but she admits life as a single mother is finacially straining.
WH has a good heart and doesnt want to hurt anyone, but persists in an adulterous relationship - which he has done in all his marriages to date.

Maybe you've already done this....It helped me gain a bit of a different perspective, if nothing else you learn a lot about yourself....Have you tried the Love Dare thing? I wanted to burn it myself...but made it through....just a suggestion. Good luck.

I kind of think that WH may have had a breakdown last night and that is why OW wrote me...she's getting scared. He and his lawyer pushed me to the edge and today was the last day I had to respond to the D papers...So, it's ironic that she wrote me this morning. I think WH broke down last night and said he missed DS. I think he's worried if he made the right choice.

I think OW is worried and afraid he may leave her and come home to his family, she desprerately wrote me that letter. I could be wrong, but it seems so to me.

I know he loves me deep inside. I think he just spent so much time away and isolated in Iraq, she began talking to him and the fantasy evolved. Then when he came home and had so little time with us, she had D'ed her H for him, and H was goaded by his "friends" he turned the affair physical. He has told me over and over that he doesn't really want to do this (D), but feels he has no choice.

I think now reality is hitting and the lustiness is wearing off and he's realizing what he has done and who he is hurting. I know this sounds really weird, but I can feel when people are thinking of me. I haven't felt him think of me since he left; except for the other night (it didn't last long, but he was i know it). I'm sure you all probably think I'm insane now, but I know...I can have this strong sense someone is thinking of me and then tehy'll call me or I'll call them and they'll say, "wow, so weird I was just thinking of you". I have never been closer to anyone in my life than my H, so I'm pretty sure I know he was.

Crazy, b/c today the day that I filed the response has been the most hopeful day of all; don't get me wrong it was heartwrenching too and i fell forced. But I know he's thinking of me and I know the OW is getting worried. I know this A is falling apart quickly. BUT what I don't know is how I could ever take him back were he to come home...I bet that's his fear too. I love him, but can't stand the thought of her touching him. Don't know how I could trust that he'd never see her again. So, in a way; although I know he's thinking of me, it feels hopeless. Geez, the D is nearly done.

Betcha she gets herself prego real quick in order to keep him.

There is also a running theme in this message - apart from the "I am perfect and right and you should just wither up and go away"

"WH loves DS dearly and he thinks of DS as his son. That relationship is something completely separate from you and WH's relationship. He wants to be a part of DS's life"

"he wants you and DS to move on"

"He'd like DS to remain in his life"

"I don't hate DS"

"I would never try to sabotage DS and WH's relationship"
"Just try to think of DS in all of this and try to help him understand that even if WH doesn't love you anymore it has zero to do with how he feels for him."

I don't remember you ever particularly singling out DS in any of the exposure messages which suggests to me that his separation from DS is something that weights heavily on him. I believe she will have or already has shown that letter to WH and all these "I love DS really and so want to be his new mummy" " points are not for your or even DS's benefit, but to build herself up in his eyes. I think that DS might be one of the conflict points in affairville.

I agree with Pepperbands assessment that she is trying to show herself in some sort of freakish, sick, guiding light, 'lets all get along and share the love and tell me how wonderful I am way.'

This is not a letter to make you feel better, its a letter to make her feel better, to absolve herself from some of her guilt. "see, I tried to be grown up about it".

Do not answer it. In fact I like Peppers other suggestion:


"Please tell your adultery partner, her services are not welcome."

Services Subtle - very subtle.

If he ever says this to you again, respond with something like "it doesn't have to be like this. Why don't we leave it for a bit and wait. How we feel today might not be how we feel in a couple of months time. We can always divorce later"

I used something similar on my DD when she wanted to adopt out her son. 4 weeks later and he's back living with his mummy after having a wee holiday with the coolest Mema in the world

Kayak, Actually, when my H first went to Illinois and I realized he was lying to me I bought the Love Dare book and was preparing to do the whole thing when he came home. But he never came home.

I actually gave the book to a mutual friend of my H and I, a married man who hit on me while my H was gone. I told him no and avoided him until my H left me, at which point I messaged him and told him not to give up (I knew his M was in trouble too) and I didn't want to see anyone go through this pain. I dropped the book of on his MIL's porch for him to get. It really helped him save his marriage. His MIL and I are very good friends, and I am friends with his W. I told them both what transpired MIL thought it was beautiful and W was upset about the situation, but thankful for the book and said it really helped save thier M.

Funny though because I did try a few days. When WH finally returned from Illinois, he called and asked if he could come by and see us and that he'd get some firewood and wrok on finishing the insulation. One of the dares was to do something unexpected, that you normally wouldn't do. Well, I'm very clostrophobic and there are scorpions under the house, so I'd never go under to do the insulation. I told him that he could come by and do that, and that I'd help if he wanted me too. He wrote back saying I was insane and that he wasn't coming by at all. My friend; the MIL, said he probably thought I was going to bury him under the house, lol! Must've been his guilty conscience b/c at that point he had put all the blame on me and i had NO idea that there was an affair.

Lil, I think you're spot on! Although and like I said earlier how ironic it is for her to say she knows what it's like to be a single mom and the financial aspects of it..Barf, barf, barf!!! She married right out of high school and has been married since until two months ago. She D her H who has PhD. She got a good settlement and likely great child support and alimony forever. She has been with my H since before the D was final, so seriously what the F does she know about struggling and being a single mom. I went through pregnancy and birth alone, having an infant alone (zero sleep), no money. The audacity blows my mind and it's all I can do to not respond and tell her a few things. I can say this...she had better hope she never sees me face to face. It's probably good she lives halfway across the country. Trying to tell me what high moral values she has and how to mother my child; makes me want to SCREAM!!! I know in the end I will be the one smiling, so that gives me solace. But right now grrrrr!

Lil, I tried the wait a while thing....Nope! She has him P-whipped. I think he may be getting his fill and realing there is more to life...we will see. But the BIG question is can I ever get over it? How much abuse am I willing to take?

Only you can answer that.

You don't know what's happening over there, and I can actually say that from experience. Just stick to your plan, be the better person until you have had enough. You have done nothing wrong and its your choice when to stop.

There is no point in making contact with her, she'll only hear what she wants to.

I used to think if I saw PQ I'd smack her one, but I actually read a great story on here once from a FWW. She saw the BW somewhere and the BW just looked her up and down then dismissed her as a person of no value. The FWW said it could not have hit her harder than if the BW had decked her.

I have been practising my 'dismissed' look ever since

Actually Lil, I perfected that look as a teenager, along with a little lip quiver of disquist. Works amazingly! BTW signing up on YM.

Lil, I think if he truly came home with sincerity, I may be able to eventually recover over time, but right now...and with the wh**e having the nerve to write me on signing day, ugh! Just too much! But...I do know my H and wayyyyy better than she thinks she does and I know the REAL him. She doesn't know that person. I guess I hold some hope, but I'm so injured, it would take sooooomuch.

Thats one of the reasons for going into plan B. By not getting hurt emotionally by the waywards activities, a nucleus of love remains and thats what Dr Harley believes we can fan into the love we used to have for our spouses.

I have to say tho, recovery is not for the faint hearted. Its harder work that even plan A IMHO, because in plan A you get the occasional break from them

Yeah, the first affair I really brushed off. It's so different when you wait and miss and worry about your H in a war zone and then he comes home and just disappears. To me it was the most painful experience in my entire life. I'm not faint hearted, but I do know that leaving her behind would mean leaving all his childhood friends behind. Which he did for our whole marriage, he knew they would pull him back into alcohol and they have. It's a whole fog of it's own.