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From the Art of War thread:
Force is the control of the balance of power, in accordance with advantages.
In Plan A ... the BS restores their power to affect change. Plan A gives the BS an advantage with their intimate knowledge of their spouse's ENs.
Warfare is the Way of deception.
Deception meaning .... showing more strength than you might possess at that given time ! Hiding your weaknesses. Plan A ... not begging, crying, pleading ... standing tall and presenting a self ready to battle & fight for the marriage.
Therefore, if able, appear unable,
Plan A ... let your WS provide you with things that save your energy for future need.
if active, appear not active,
When snooping about like a squirrel searching for seeds of the affair, appear calm & serene ... Plan A snooping is done quietly & without announcing >>> "Ah-Ha ... Look what I found !". Be stealth.
if near, appear far,
Plan A ... keep your WS guessing where you are.
if far, appear near.
What seems just out of reach is sometimes more attractive. What seems a sure thing, is taken for granted.
If they have advantage, entice them;
Offer the WS goodies ... as in meet their ENs.
if they are confused, take them,
Plan A is confusing to the WS. They would prefer the BS appear ugly & unattractive in order to justify their cheating. It is confusing for the WS to see an attractive BS.
if they are substantial, prepare for them,
Plan A ... get all your ducks lined up. Legal preparations. Financial preparations. Spiritual preparations. Etc.
if they are strong, avoid them,
Plan A is not plan doormat. They can wipe their feet elsewhere, but not on your back. Accepting abuse is not an attractive trait.
if they are angry, disturb them,
LOL .... this is precicely Orchid's "reverse babble" .... The WS speaks with foggy tongue, disturb them with O's reverse babble.
if they are humble, make them haughty,
If the WS is over-confident, they become sloppy & make errors.
if they are relaxed, toil them,
Keeping an affair going is exhausting to the WS. It's like a juggling act. Throw the WS another ball to keep in the air. The affair will fall when the juggler becomes exhausted by the added effort.
if they are united, separate them.
Do not become the fool that encourages both the WS and the OP to join forces. If you act insane during Plan A, they have a common enemy to fight ~~~> YOU !
Attack where they are not prepared, go out to where they do not expect.
Do the UNexpected in Plan A. Keep the WS guessing & wondering.
This specialized warfare leads to victory, and may not be transmitted beforehand.
Do not give away your plans.... do not show the WS your books. Do not invite the WS to this site. Stealth.
Before doing battle, in the temple one calculates and will win, because many calculations were made
Plan ... you must have a Plan or you will suffer & be defeated.
before doing battle, in the temple one calculates and will not win, because few calculations were made
Don't waste time flailing about .... get organized & recruit helpers.
many calculations, victory, few calculations, no victory, then how much less so when no calculations
Do not proceed by your feelings alone. Develop your plan.
By means of these, I can observe them, beholding victory or defeat!
The BS who refuse to develop & follow a plan, are most likely to fail.
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On January 23, you wrote:OW H phoned me to tell me that they are still communicating.
If not, go ahead and call him.
See what he knows.
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Thanks Pep,
For the most part this is what I have been doing from the start. I have to admit there have been some emotional outbursts and anger; but for the most part I have been trying to be the spouse he had a few years back and remain calm and in control.
My MIL made a comment today, repeating something he had said. He said my being nice was making everything harder.
Another comment he made a few days ago, was if he "were as strong as I was, he would be able to walk away from A and OW". (should that be in craziest things to come out of WS mouth thread)
I do realize he is conflicted, right now I am using time and the best I can muster of a plan a, I do still wish that I could magic bullet the end of the A. At least it seems to be back to electronic contact only.
I have also now password and fingerprinted login to my main laptop, so that he is not able to check my browser history.
So, for right now I feel as I am back in the game - for now (I was feeling pretty low for a few days).
I still cannot understand (even after reading - SAA) the pull and the influence the OW has over him - amazing. (amazingly horrible)
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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On January 23, you wrote:OW H phoned me to tell me that they are still communicating.
If not, go ahead and call him.
See what he knows.
OWH contacted me this week, he said he thought things were going good on their end. I told him to not be fooled and to be vigilant.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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OWH contacted me this week, he said he thought things were going good on their end. I told him to not be fooled and to be vigilant.
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I think so, if not he should now. I think he knew about WS new phone before I did.  found a valentines day card hidden in his car - pretty sure not for me. What I have a hard time wrapping my head around all of this is...what did I do to deserve this kind of treatment - ever?
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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...what did I do to deserve this kind of treatment - ever?
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...what did I do to deserve this kind of treatment - ever?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Who am I kidding, he is not conflicted. the weekend seemed to be fairly low stress, nice to one another. but then yesterday he makes a comment about going to the gun show today with his dad.
Well turns out to be a lie, I came home to find a note saying "change of plans, eat without me, i will grab a sandwich on the way home"
Now I have spoken with MIL and know that FIL did not go to gun show.
Now what do I do? I am thinking of not being here when he gets home and going to my brothers, do I pretend that I don't know? And continue with this waiting game?
When I think that this cannot get any worse, it does.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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The passwords I thought I had found turned out to be a bust and the paperwork I saw the other morning is no longer there. Not sure where he is hiding that now.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Well the story only gets better. The OWH was able to print her emails and text messages and brought them into work showing that many were done on company time. He is trying to get WS fired. Not only will my marriage fall apart, but so will any financial security.
I cannot believe that WS is willing to throw his entire life away on someone most of our friends don't even like.
WTF!!!!!!!
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Have you figured out when you are planning to go to Plan B? There is a lot of work that has to be done to get in to Plan B effectively. I know that Pepperband had suggested that you should think about going in to Plan B on V-Day. Have you thought about that at all? It is hard to keep up Plan A while your WH is ACTIVE in the A. That is why it is TEMPORARY. Plan B is hard as well, but emotionally the bad days are farther apart.
Are you ready?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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For tonight I am at a family members house.
I did not want to be home when he got back today and have had almost 0 contact. He sent 2 pathetic texts asking if I knew about ___ trying to get him fired. I texted back - no. He stated no concern for me...ie. where was I, was I OK, would I be coming home???? Nothing.
So, I have not planned any further than tonight and work tomorrow. A plan B will require more planning on my part, however if he loses job - I may be in strictly survival mode for myself. We have company cars, etc. etc. I may have to scramble just for myself.
So, at this point - no I do not have a specific plan in mind(and I know that is probably not a good thing). I am hoping that me not being there tonight and providing him with someone to talk some of this through and the thought of what he has to face tomorrow at work - maybe - will start to get him thinking, at least a little.
But, for my own self preservation I think it is time to start distancing myself.
There is too much drama and the stress is to high. I am already a cancer survivor and have started to get my health back in the last year and have taken off about half of the ill health weight gain. Physically I am started to feel great - and I am not willing to let his poor choices drag me any further down.
Tomorrow I also plan to go to Dr. to be tested for any STD's - I am uncertain in those regards.
Is an A the gift that just keeps on giving???
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Can any MB lawyers tell me what is "legal separation" in the state of Ohio?
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Posts: 614
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Am I doing everything wrong? I need some advice on what my next move should be?
Unfortunately at some point tomorrow I will have to go home and he will be there in the evening.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Can any MB lawyers tell me what is "legal separation" in the state of Ohio? Not a lawyer, Missy. But according to http://www.divorcesupport.com/divorce/Ohio-Divorce-Definitions-3066.htmlLegal separation may be sought for the following grounds: (1) adultery; (2) imprisonment; (3) willful desertion for 1 year; (4) cruel and inhuman treatment; (5) bigamy; (6) habitual intemperance (drunkenness); (7) when a final divorce decree has been obtained outside of the state of Ohio that does not release the other spouse from the obligations of the marriage inside the state of Ohio; (8) fraud; (9) neglect; (10) incompatibility; or (11) living separate and apart without cohabitation and without interruption for 1 year. [Ohio Revised Code Annotated; Sections 3105.01 and 3105.17]. Other good information on the site.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Am I doing everything wrong? I need some advice on what my next move should be?
Unfortunately at some point tomorrow I will have to go home and he will be there in the evening. Missy, there is hardly a chance that you're doing everything wrong. You're dealing with a fog-deranged wayward, after all. Don't doubt yourself, no matter how tempting it might be. Here's a cue, from your own words: But, for my own self preservation I think it is time to start distancing myself. To me, this has "Plan B" written all over it. I know you're worried about finances, but don't forget -- if things keep on the way they've been going, finances will still be an issue. Recover your marriage. Better still, recover yourself. All will be well!
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Thanks Fred, after reading that I am not ready for Plan B.
I do not know what to do next - continue with Plan A? It seemed to be going OK for the last several days.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Missy, you have no other choice but to continue with Plan A.
Remember: the best Plan A is what leads to a great Plan B.
I know it's tough. Hang in there, and keep coming here to let us take some of the weight off your shoulders.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Well, it is very early. He should have left for work by now and I am going home to get ready for work myself. With the assistance of medication I was able to get some sleep last night; so I should be able to function today.
What I could use some advice on is what the dialogue should be this evening???
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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