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#2319514 02/06/10 10:42 PM
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My wife and I have been having this ongoing argument since I found out she was having an online affair on January 5th. She said I never paid enough attention to her and that caused her to look elsewhere. We have been married 18 years and have 2 great children. I have my own international business that requires me to travel and work long-hours, even weekends sometimes. I have done this because I am driven and type-A, but also so I can provide the lifestyle for her and my children that make them happy. Now all this hard work has supposedly come back to bite me.

When I found out about the electronic affair, I was angry and hurt but took the time to discuss with her why she did it. Once she told me her reasons, I offered my permission (not that she needed it) to meet this man and see if he was "all that" in person like she said he was over the computer and phone. The plan was for her to spend 3 days with him to discover his personality. I did this because I have been with her for almost 23 years and I regard her as someone I know better than anyone else on earth. I wanted her to meet him because I didn't want it to be thrown back in my face later how she had not met him.....plus I knew that she would probably sneak behind my back and meet him anyway. She promised me that she would not sleep with him, and she doubly promised that there would be no oral sex because she said "oral sex was special between us and that it required comfort and intimacy she would not share with anyone else." Well......she me the guy on Monday, January 18th for the first time that evening. She returned home that night at 1:30am to remove her make-up and crawl into be with me wanting to snuggle and make out. After a few minute discussion of her evening, she told me that she made out with him and that they had each other's shirts off but it went no further. This admission saddened and depressed me so, that I got up from bed and ended up all night with no sleep.

The following morning she noticed I was very upset and depressed and she consoled me telling me that he had traits she didn't like and that she still loved me. She intended on seeing him again that day and the following as originally established. I allowed her to stay in his hotel, because she assured me that they had separate hotel rooms. I did call the hotel to confirm that and it was true. That night she texted me numerous times saying that he was driving her crazy and that he was not totally what she thought. That night at 11:30 we texted each other again and she told me she was going to her room, shower, and go to sleep because she was tired.

The following morning, she texted me at 5:30am saying she missed me and said she would be home early that they were not going out for the day like planned. She arrived at home about 10:30am and that evening she admitted to me that she slept with him Monday night (even tbough she had told me she hadn't) and that Tuesday night they had sex twice and slept in the same bed.....not in her room, in her bed as she had promised. I was so hurt and angry that I felt like shooting myself....but I didn't. She further admitted that she had given him oral sex, even though she had promised she wouldn't and that they did not use a condom at all. This disgusted me to the point that I almost threw up.

We have been seeing a counselor and things are getting better, but I am having such a hard time dismissing the affair and the sex. She tells me that I need to "get the F#&K over it, that I am dwelling in the past." Further more she feels that the affair is not the issue at all.....and they "our problems" are the bigger issue. I agree that our problems are important to work through, but I still can't get over the affair.

CAN SOME PLEASE GIVE ME ADVICE? I am willing to answer any questions.

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This is totally nuts. Are you serious!!!

God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
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You blessed her affair so what is the complaint? You ENABLED her affair.

I don't get what the problem is. If you drive the bank robber to the bank and give him your blessing to rob the bank then on what possible grounds can you complain? That makes no sense. crazy


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Do your CHILDREN know you did this to their family? Do they know you wouldn't stand up for them? That you drove the robber to the bank?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I gave her permission to meet him, otherwise it would come back to haunt me. I did not give her permission to sleep with him, nad I was assured by her than her clothes would stay on. I came her for advice.....not to be berated.

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Originally Posted by GentJohn
I gave her permission to meet him, otherwise it would come back to haunt me. I did not give her permission to sleep with him, nad I was assured by her than her clothes would stay on. I came her for advice.....not to be berated.

Do you recognize how ridiculous this sounds? You sent your wife to stay at a hotel with another man to see if she was as attracted to him as she thought? What did you think would happen? This is just crazy. Who would just give their wife away like that?

You definitely have to deal with the affair, but you essentially gave it your blessing which is going to make it an epic battle for her to ever feel remorse for it. Even if she does come to feel remorse for cheating, she is probably going to blame you for not standing up for your family.

The best advice I can give in this crazy situation is that you call the Harleys. They were a lot better than the local counselor I started with when I was dealing with my ex-WW's affairs.


ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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Originally Posted by GentJohn
I gave her permission to meet him, otherwise it would come back to haunt me. I did not give her permission to sleep with him, nad I was assured by her than her clothes would stay on. I came her for advice.....not to be berated.

GentJohn, you enabled this affair, Sir. If you can't face that truth, then you are doomed to make this mistake again. You set this up to happen. You gave her permission and your blessing for your wife to meet her affair partner, so of course they had sex.

Can you see that giving your wife permission to meet her affair is what is "haunting" you?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Well that's a new one.

Can I ask why you so implicitly trusted her to not cheat when she had already admitted to an emotional affair? A physical affair is the next logical progression.

As far as not giving her permission would come haunt - if your marriage wsa on that shaky a ground you should have been saying marriage counselling, not compare the men

And your not getting berated, we are just trying to work out why you would be so oblivious about the potential consequences.


Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday laugh
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The one thing that I have always told my FWH is that I had no part in the decision for him to betray me. You gave permission. I just don't know what to say.

God's blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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GentJohn, you did not fight for your marriage in it's time of greatest need. You handed her over to another man, with your blessing. What kind of a man does that? And you have kids! crazy

You handed your marriage over to the enemy and are now complaining that the enemy sullied it. What kind of a loving husband does that? crazy


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Your disconnect from reality is almost as bad as her's.

First of all, it is very common for women to want the fruits of a type A worker male, while at the same time pi**ing and moaning about the lack of a satisfying emotional connection since he works so hard bringing home the bacon. Nuts. . .

For almost every success, it boils down to tons of work and long hours. Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt.

Such a situation requires a level of communication free of guilt trips from either end and most of us are simply not able to really communicate at the level required.

Okay, on to another deal.

Dude, what were you thinking? I ask that because your explanation makes absolutely no sense at all. Are you on a mission to get rid of her? Have you got some honey waiting in the wings. Your story just doesn't work for me. My BS detector is on full alert.

If your story is real, then you are at the right place to get straight. Just don't look for much appreciation for your point of view. People here have a very low tolerance for those who enable adultery. If you go away because you can't handle the critique, then you lose what could be a good education in the land of reality.

Larry

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GentJohn, the twoxfour is deserved, since you played the doormat when you should have been playing the man in your relationship.

However, there are still things you can do to put your marriage right. And that's what this site is for.

Have you read the Basic Concepts? Do you understand about meeting each others' emotional needs, avoiding love busters, and especially the EXTRAORDINARY PROTECTIONS the two of you must take to prevent a recurrence of this tragedy?

In essence, you handed the car keys and a bottle of booze to a teenager and then expected her not to drive. YOU CANNOT DO THIS. But you cannot unring a bell, so it's now important that both you and your wife work to understand how this came to be and how to prevent it from ever happening again.

You can get that kind of information here, but first you're going to have to get through the twoxfour. You understand that, do you not?


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Amen, Larry!

God's Blessing,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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a timeless nursery rhyme

Mother, may I go out to swim?
Yes my darling daughter.
Hang your clothes on the hickory limb,
but don't go near the water
You may look cute in your bathing suit.
But act just like you oughter
Now and then you may flirt with the men,
But don't go near the water.

GF


Marriages don't fail, people do. (And I don't recall who said it)
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I don't believe a word of this story.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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The question is... How do you know that her cheating days are over? Because of this association she will villify you and make renewed attempts to contact OM.

Your wife needs to get out of the fog. Expose her affair. She has betrayed the families trust. Apologise to them for your error of judgement. Enlist their help.

Place recording devices in your wife's car and monitor her telephone. It is time to protect your marriage.

Read His needs/Her needs -Dr Harley. Apologise also to your wife for not properly defending your marriage. DON'T apologise for her adultery. Your marriage sounds like it needs rebuilding. Check whether your may attend a MB week-end course.


But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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I am not trying to be mean 'GJ', but your story is wild dude, its like one of those Penthouse stories.....UFR.


Me: BH, 49 yrs old
Her: FWW 44 yrs old
A's occurred in 1988
Dday #1 (2 A's) Aug. 26, 2009
Dday #2 (3 A's) Sep. 5, 2009

My story: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...744#Post2279744

Not sure where we are going...?


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GentJohn,

I am curious, have you had an affair in the past and somehow you thought giving your wife this odd "free pass" would somehow even the score?

I am also curious, what was your plan if your wife found dude irresistable and they ran off into the sunset together?

Do you and your wife have a history of swinging?

It probably makes no difference, but this whole situation is very unbelievable. So a little more info regarding your motivation might help.


Me-41 BS (FWS)
DH-41 WS (FBS)
2DD's- 10 and 12
Married 15 years
Separated for 2 years after my A
Reconciled for 1 year before his A
D-day for his A 8/23/05
WH moved out 9/16/05
Divorce final 1/23/07
Affair ended or month or so later
My Story
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Originally Posted by bigkahuna
I don't believe a word of this story.
skeptical

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***edit***

Last edited by McLovin; 02/07/10 10:29 AM. Reason: attack
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