She is very controlling and overbearing and OCD. I might be better off without her, but she has never worked and it would definitely cramp my lifestyle to maintain 2 households.....

Yes I love her, but the more I am thinking about this the more I am thinking she is toxic

And a wayward spouse is more childlike than a child themself.

All Blessings,
Jerry

GJ sez: "What disgusts me so much is that she had oral sex with him, and that the first night when she crawled into be to be with me she didn't brush her teeth or shower".

WTF? This is wrong on so many counts...does she normally go to bed without brushing her 'teefs' and to top it off, not bathing?

No hold on, to top it off she gave oral to the OM, THEN failed to do what most of us do, you know, at the end of a normal day of only eating food.

Her behavior

Kids, length of marriage,finances and love all play a role in the decision.
How do you feel about the prospects of remaing with an overbearing, harsh, OCD type? There are meds for OCD. Has she availed herself of these?
If someone is really messed up and will not get help, you have to start looking out for yourself. Sometimes, they bottom out and get help. Other times , they take you down with them
Your wife is a very dangeous person. dangerous not only to your emotional well being, but to your phsycial health, as well.
She had no compunction about exposing you to STDs, potentially deadly ones. That is truly scary and says a lot about her.

Exactly, a child has the excuse of being a child, an adult acting as a child has no such protection.

I disagree. Children make poor decision based on lack of expierience. WSs have the expierience but choose to ignore it. Much more responsibility for an adult making a knowing choice. Just like addictions. There is a big informed, volitional element.

You do realize that your WW needs to be completely tested for STD's and HIV now, right?

All Blessings,
Jerry

I guess what I meant to say Z, is that a WS may have the knowledge to make better decisions, but it's all about me, me, me, even more so than many children.

All Blessings,
Jerry

The fact that she is controlling, OCD, etc and that she had the affair

I agree. That is why their behaviors are more repugnant than the mistakes kids make.

PRECISELY!!!!!!!!

All Blessings,
Jerry

I'm in agreement with Zelmo on all of this.

And I personally do not believe the original poster of this thread should blame himself for his wife sleeping with the other man.

Had he been armed with the knowledge we have accumulated by reading on this board about affairs, he probably would have made different choices. But even if he had that knowledge, and still made the same decisions, it still wouldn't excuse his wife's behavior.

If my husband gave me permission to meet some guy at a motel, "I" would still be responsible for my behavior. I am not a puppet, and neither is this man's wife.

He didn't give her puppet permission to sleep with the OM anyway, he gave her what God gives us, free will.

Gent:

You not getting the response you expected are you?

You wanted help in "Surviving an Affair", and your first attempts went the wrong way, didn't they?

Not unexpected, you were completely out of your element, weren't you?

You stated that you ran an international business. Maybe you in sales. (Maybe not, but to truly successful, you need to sell, even if its only yourself and your business...)

So maybe, you thought by agreeing to having your WW meet the POSOM, (which, full disclosure, I used to be) maybe you were thinking of that old sale technique of "try the other product, and then you will come back to ours because it is better"

Actually, we can come up with all sorts of theories as to why you agreed to what you agreed to. One, you had just discovered practically the worst thing a spouse can find out about thier partner. Two, You KNEW you were better than OM. Three, you negotiated with her, and she agreed to terms with you. Four, and this is where everything went off the rails, SHE DIDN'T STAAY WITH THE AGREEMENT.

And that's the crux of your problem. You had never dealt with a wayward wife before, and how they will agree to anything to continue thier "fix". Sure, in your business, I'm sure you have dealt with some less than perfect business people, but you protect yourself up front by getting legal agreements, or information regarding those folks that can protect you.

And you had been married to this woman for 18 years. And I will presume that in many cases she seemed a responsible, even caring person to you. You have since backed off a little, calling her OCD and other things....

Your going to go back through your entire marriage looking for reasons to paint her as the worst, or best, wife and mother. Its a natural reaction. How could you have picked the wrong person? People change. She may not have been anything like this 15-20 years ago. Maybe not even 2 years ago. Doesn't matter, she is this way NOW.

This MB stuff is about building a better marriage and way of doing things. This DB is good for the immediate issues, and rants and "what do you guys think" posts. But for serious fixing the issues in your marraige, you need to call the Harleys and schedule some time with Dr. Harley and telephone consuling. Maybe attand the next MB weekend in Minneapolis.

Yes, your wayward wife should be doing these things. But right now? Your the only one with a clear head that can make choices that make sense for the future. Your first choice about the meeting was wrong, but you can recover from that and make better choices in the future. Your costs for coaching with Harleys may be much less than an actual divorce.

Oh, about the lack of brushing and mouthwash? Yeah, that's disgusting... but she wanted to be with YOU afterward, didn't she? She wanted your approval after the fact, didn't she? How wrong is that? This isn't like the woman you married is it?

And this is the final note: YOUR IN CHARGE HERE. WW? She has nothing. Only hollow threats and anger. You hold all the cards. She cheated, and you have the "get out of marriage free" card. You can decide to work this marriage and try to get to recovery because it the right thing for you to do. You can give it your all for the next couple of months, and maybe you can recover your marriage. You can also just throw in the towel. I prefer the trying all you can do to fix it before throwing in the towel, because that is what is best for your kids in the long run.

If not, then she is bounced from this marriage because of HER ACTIONS. Not yours.

Sorry you have to be here. Your in the best place to fix this though.

LG

Also? You may decide that no matter what, you

That sums it up nicely LG.