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When I first started this, I honestly did not think it would go this far. I think I have had a 3 month time frame in mind for Plan A. I have been trying to hold out for at least april. (not really sure why...has more to do with my job than any reason)
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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I am afraid the fallout will be permanent.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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What can we do to help you?
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I am afraid the fallout will be permanent.
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I wish I knew the answer to that. Pat me on the back and tell me all will be OK and everything will return to normal. 
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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I do realize that there are no guarantees in this situation.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Pat me on the back and tell me all will be OK and everything will return to normal.
And even if I did, you'd know I was being insincere at best, lying at worst.
If you can never see yourself going to plan B, you will not be strong enough to endure the hardships of recovery. Recovery is only for the strong.
Sorry, kiddo.
I'm just throwing cold water onto your dreamy fantasy of this turning into something pleasant and easy.
Get 7-8 hours of sleep.
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I am afraid the fallout will be permanent. I think I am so afraid of losing him completely, that if I go down that road that will be the end result. I do also realize that I cannot control anybody but myself and that I do not want to choice by default. That is not any way to live either.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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I think I am so afraid of losing him completely, that if I go down that road that will be the end result.
I do also realize that I cannot control anybody but myself and that I do not want to choice by default. That is not any way to live either.
This is not Harley or MB advice.
There was one poster named carolkh.
Here is her story
It took a tremendous amount of self discipline.
Anyway, take a look.
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You know what Mymissy, many of us BS were afraid of losing our WS's too. I am still afraid sometimes. But do you know what I am more afraid of? Living like I was living like before I went into Plan B for THE REST OF MY LIFE.
Thanx to Pep(and many many others), I had a date in mind for going into Plan B, it was only 3 weeks of solid Plan A(with a couple of additional weeks of kinda Plan A). Six days before I had planned on going to Plan B, I was so sick of my WH and he hurt me so badly by going to POSOW's house for the evening(although he never admitted it.) I was ready to pack his stuff and give up. I didn't care if WH ever came back.
That's when I lost the fear of losing him. It creeps in every once in a while and I deal with other fears and emotions. Come on here and vent. You may be helping more people than you know.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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I think I am so afraid of losing him completely, that if I go down that road that will be the end result.
I do also realize that I cannot control anybody but myself and that I do not want to choice by default. That is not any way to live either. Do not be paralysed by FEAR. What ever the outcome of your M YOU WILL BE OK. Once you get to that point Then and only then are you really making a choice about your M. If you continue to stay in R or in the M due to fear of loosing him then once you loose that fear (and belive me one day you will) you MIGHT realise what a mistake you made and want out. Thats when you'll be really pissed that you went thru the ordeal of recovery. First you have to let go the fear. There is a thread here on the fear that paralyses the BS. If I find it I'll bump it for you. Its normal to fear the loss of the relationship and the one you love, just dont make decisions based on it. Acknowledge the fear and then proceed inspite of it. From what I read of your posts you are a pretty strong woman and you are staying much more pulled together than I was. I could not eat or sleep for days/weeks. I let myself run down to a point of non functioning before I wiped my tears and marched onwards.
FBW(me)- 45
FWH- 53
D-day 4/29/08
Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
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Nothing worth saving can be recovered with a heart that's afraid of losing.
Read that a few times.
Then find your courage.
Find your worth.
You are worth having a faithful husband.
You have already lost that.
So what do you have left?
What are you hanging on to?
Illusions?
So once you get to what's real - that there's nothing there to fear losing because that's gone...
What can you do?
Be bold.
Be brave.
Be the woman he fell in love with.
Value yourself enough to say you are worth fidelity and mean it. No second rate, two-bit apology-while-cheating-in-your-face behavior will be tolerated.
Explode the fantasy of the affair.
Because you are worth reality.
Truly.
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I bumped the thread for you. Here is a quote from it. It is the fear that paralyzes you, sends blood rushing through your veins, sours your stomach, and interupts your sleep. It is the fear that gives away your power, your hope, and your forgiveness. It is fear that robs you of the active self and traps you in the role of patronizing enabler who will take them back at ANY cost...even if the price is too high. It is fear that keeps you from confronting and exposing. And fear that prevents you from enforcing your boundaries and having compassion for yourself.
Fear of abandonment.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of reaction....yours, theirs.
Fear of future...the unknown.
Fear of destitution and want.
Fear of failure.
Fear of losing.
Fear of loss.
Fear of solitude.
Fear of settling.
Fear of change.
Fear of lack of change.
Fear
Fear
Infidelity creates FEAR....and fear is crippling. Research shows us what we already know in our hearts....when we are fearful....we are unable to fire up the parts of our brains that "process" information on a logical, rational, spirtual level and create solutions that increase the odds for success in crises. When we are fearful....we don't use our neocortex....but instead, it is our limpic system which lights up our MRIs....our animal brains wired for "fight or flight".
There is no HOPE in our animal brains....because our indentity, our souls, our compassion....don't reside there. You are only capable of conflict or escape when you are there....so you must find a quiet place to deal with your fears so that you can confront, expose, do all the things that overcoming infidelity entails....all the things that happiness entails. You must value yourself as well as protect yourself, without fear of losing your WS or enforcing boundaries.....because if you don't....all your fears will be realized anyway.
MB is not designed to trap you in a marriage where your feelings are crushed and disrespected or the vows of marriage are meaningless. It's designed to help you overcome fear and give you hope that marriages CAN recover from infidelity....but you must be brave and be willing to risk losing your WS in order to regain trust, fidelity, security.
You must be willing to see beyond your pain and take logical and systematic steps to undermine the affair and increase the stability and security of your marriage. That takes courage above pain. It takes the peacefulness of knowing you are strong enough to lose a self indulgent and unrepentant spouse or recover with a flawed, but motivated one.
Don't let your fear take back a spouse who isn't ready to do the hard work recovery after infidelity entails. It is an invitation for misery.
If you don't believe you CAN survive without your WS....you cannot do what you must do to ensure success.
Stop being fearful of their threats...they are just excuses to leave or be selfish.
Stop being fearful of their reactions....their reactions arise from their guilt...not your boundaries.
Stop being fearful of taking a stand....it's the only way to gain respect or trust.
Stop being fearful of being alone.....until you can stand on your own and risk losing them, you will NEVER know if they remain with you by choice. And you will never know if you want them or you NEED them.
And if you need them....even if they return....you are in trouble chere.
FBW(me)- 45
FWH- 53
D-day 4/29/08
Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
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Posts: 614
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I am stronger than this, I have been waiting for him to make a decision.
I have allowed myself to become paralyzed by fear...fear of the change, fear of the unknown, and most of all fear of rejection.
NO MORE.
I am consciously trying to let go of my fears.
Out of the lists I have been making was "why do I want to save this marriage"?
My first thought is a small part of me says it would be easier to run away and create a new life. Then a bigger part of me rises up and thinks to recover this marriage will recover a part of myself as well. I find myself in so much pain - pain that he has caused, yet my heart aches for the torment that I see him in. I know in my heart that I truly love him.
I also truly believe way deep down inside that we can still make this into the kind of relationship we both want.
I have determined that if it works out best that we do not stay together - I will still be OK. I am strong, proud, educated, beautiful, and can stand on my own two feet.
So my first step this morning was to fill out the MB "request an appointment form".
I need professional coaching.
I am currently stuck in a limbo that WS has created. He has always stated on of the things he has feared most was having a marriage/relationship like his parents. That is now exactly where we are, we merely co-exist within the same house.
This is no way to live and no way to go through life. I demand more for myself and from myself.
So all that being said, I am ready to move forward - whatever that entails.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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This is a very affirming post, Missy. Good for you!
I am one who believes that "success" here at MB = "personal recovery."
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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I bumped the thread for you. Here is a quote from it. It is the fear that paralyzes you, sends blood rushing through your veins, sours your stomach, and interupts your sleep. It is the fear that gives away your power, your hope, and your forgiveness. It is fear that robs you of the active self and traps you in the role of patronizing enabler who will take them back at ANY cost...even if the price is too high. It is fear that keeps you from confronting and exposing. And fear that prevents you from enforcing your boundaries and having compassion for yourself.
Fear of abandonment.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of reaction....yours, theirs.
Fear of future...the unknown.
Fear of destitution and want.
Fear of failure.
Fear of losing.
Fear of loss.
Fear of solitude.
Fear of settling.
Fear of change.
Fear of lack of change.
Fear
Fear
Infidelity creates FEAR....and fear is crippling. Research shows us what we already know in our hearts....when we are fearful....we are unable to fire up the parts of our brains that "process" information on a logical, rational, spirtual level and create solutions that increase the odds for success in crises. When we are fearful....we don't use our neocortex....but instead, it is our limpic system which lights up our MRIs....our animal brains wired for "fight or flight".
There is no HOPE in our animal brains....because our indentity, our souls, our compassion....don't reside there. You are only capable of conflict or escape when you are there....so you must find a quiet place to deal with your fears so that you can confront, expose, do all the things that overcoming infidelity entails....all the things that happiness entails. You must value yourself as well as protect yourself, without fear of losing your WS or enforcing boundaries.....because if you don't....all your fears will be realized anyway.
MB is not designed to trap you in a marriage where your feelings are crushed and disrespected or the vows of marriage are meaningless. It's designed to help you overcome fear and give you hope that marriages CAN recover from infidelity....but you must be brave and be willing to risk losing your WS in order to regain trust, fidelity, security.
You must be willing to see beyond your pain and take logical and systematic steps to undermine the affair and increase the stability and security of your marriage. That takes courage above pain. It takes the peacefulness of knowing you are strong enough to lose a self indulgent and unrepentant spouse or recover with a flawed, but motivated one.
Don't let your fear take back a spouse who isn't ready to do the hard work recovery after infidelity entails. It is an invitation for misery.
If you don't believe you CAN survive without your WS....you cannot do what you must do to ensure success.
Stop being fearful of their threats...they are just excuses to leave or be selfish.
Stop being fearful of their reactions....their reactions arise from their guilt...not your boundaries.
Stop being fearful of taking a stand....it's the only way to gain respect or trust.
Stop being fearful of being alone.....until you can stand on your own and risk losing them, you will NEVER know if they remain with you by choice. And you will never know if you want them or you NEED them.
And if you need them....even if they return....you are in trouble chere. Thank you WMF I needed to hear that And thank you Pep, you provided a much needed reality check last night.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Mymissy,
Is your WH living at home??....I thought he was at his parents but now I get the impression that he is back home??...is this correct???
not2fun
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Mymissy,
Is your WH living at home??....I thought he was at his parents but now I get the impression that he is back home??...is this correct???
not2fun He only spent 2 nights at his parents, then came back home. (We live out in the country, on a lot on his family's farm. His parents and sister are our 2 closest neighbors)Which is why he went to hip parents house to begin with.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,499
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He only spent 2 nights at his parents, then came back home.
(We live out in the country, on a lot on his family's farm. His parents and sister are our 2 closest neighbors)Which is why he went to hip parents house to begin with. Okay, thanks for clearing that up.... Here's the thing about the FEAR.... Try looking at it from a different angle..... While all that you fear are very normal and things that are quite frightening (I had the same ones....), you also need to FEAR what can happen if you DON'T act..... The fear of staying with him and him continueing the affair.... The fear of wondering where/what he's doing at any given moment.... The fear that you will lose your OWN sense of worth, dignity, and self-respect..... These are what CAN and WILL happen if you sit back and do nothing...... When I first got on here, there was another poster, SerenitySoon whom I got to know. She was a wonderful lady with a big heart, but she was afraid to do any of the things people on here told her to do. She was afraid of Plan B BIG TIME. She never did do it......last we heard, her WH was still with the warthog, she was still without her H and M, even though there hadn't been any divorce, and she ended finding herself becoming attached and hurt by an OM, whom was married. Those, my friend, to me anyway, were much more scarier than losing my WH, whom had become stranger..... not2fun
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