ITA
You cannot have a successful M recovery if you have not attained Personal recovery in fact I would say PR needs to come before MR but as long as they both happen we are good.
At the risk of repeating my self I am going to cut and paste what I posted to you a few days back, I think you are more ready to hear it today then you were on that day.



Infact I am inclined to belive that if Personal recovery came AFTER the recovery of the Marrige then there is a chance that the M may not continue to survive based on the freedom of choice that personal recovery offers.
As a BS you have to get moving on resloving the pain (and fears that come with it)of being a BS before you can be FREE to make the choice of Recovering your M.

Sounds like you are making progress towards that so you are back on track again.

for starting the ball rolling with the MB coaching. I am looking forward to reading your progesss as you gain support and coaching from Steve/Jennifer.

Thanks - to everyone for words of encouragement.

Here is where we are right now. Two days of H**L. I spent sunday night at my brother's because WS lied about where is was going. He is still denying that he saw OW, only that he spoke to her on the phone. However the valentines day card hidden in his car is gone. so I am pretty sure it was given in person. I do not have physical proof.
So then comes monday. He barely speaks to me when he gets home from work. I question him about sunday. Yes I did make some DJ's (but I did it in a calm manner)and we spent the evening in separate rooms ignoring one another.
At one point we passed each other in the kitchen and I hugged him and said I am so sorry for how you are feeling and where we are. He hugged back slightly and said it is not your fault and that things would work out. (? not sure what this means)

This morning WS left for business trip (only overnight) and left me a note stating " Good morning, Hey: if you can tolerate my company for an evening I would still love to go and see ___ thurs. night(I got him tickets to his fave comedian for xmas)I will let you decide.

Here is my plan so far:
Have called Dr. for increase in anti-D and stronger sleep aid.
Have counseling session set up with MB for thursday afternoon.
Go with WS thursday evening to see comedian (deposit some LU).
Over weekend demand the affair stop. (in a MB method)
If he chooses not to stop A - Go to plan B (I have letter written and ready to go - plan to speak to MIL and tell her that I am initiating the start of a trial separation and he will probably be staying there).
If affair still does not end, go back to lawyer and start legal separation proceedings.

(of course much of this depends on what MB counselor tells me on thursday)

That is all I have so far.

How am I doing??? I have spent all day on this.

Sorry for the T/J:

PB, can you take a moment and look in on Kristy's thread, "What Do I Do Now?"

End T/J

I've already read it.
I think there is perhaps a language/cultural difference not yet revealed.
So far, I am not ready to weigh in.

Understood. Thanks.

Besides, you and other good people are already "on it".
I usually prefer to wait until I have something to say that has not already been mentioned. So far, good advice.

I wish I had Pep's wisdom and had stayed out of there too. I just do not expect joke telling from a new BS. May be its just me, I can deal with the language and culture barrier. The joke telling however is a . Then again who am I to judge how all BS's should act. We all respond differently.
Sorry for the continued thread jacking
Back to mymissy ....

I also don't know about "warning" MIL about WH coming to stay there. First, he is a BIG-BOY, let him wear his big-boy pants and tell his Mommy himself. Also, what if he doesn't decide to stay there? You can't know where he is staying. He could decide to go to a hotel, or even OW(CRINGE).

Talk to MB counselor and tell them your sitch and your plans and they will advise you for your sitch.

Hey what are you going to do for YOURSELF tomorrow? Is it time for a mani/pedi? What about a massage? Go out with a friend for coffee or lunch(make sure it's a female friend).

Here is an update:
I got 7 hours of sleep last night, I feel a little better - my hands still shake, but I guess in time that will get better. My WS is supposed to return today from business trip - I don't know when. That would be because I don't get informed of these things anymore, no phone calls at all.
The fiasco sunday night regarding his paranoia of getting fired has obviously come from OW (WS works with OW H).
WS was angry with me and some how trying to make this my fault - I am giving that a big "whatever".
I am positive that OW continues to lie to WS and this turns WS against me - are all OW this vindictive and mean?
However, I have been working on repeating many of the statements to myself that everyone here has given me - to overcome my fears.
I look forward to speaking with Stephen tomorrow and getting his advice. At this time I am planning to move forward to Plan B. (Unless otherwise advised). I am fearful, but am getting better with idea.
Something must change....

Oh, and still plan to go with WS to comedian...then on to Plan B.

Hope your session wih MB is a productive one.
Just a little piece of pre-session advice I wish I have gotten before my first session.
When you counsel with Steve its not like IC, there was no opening up if the A wounds the pity party of the BS. After my first session with Jennifer I was almost not sure I would be happy with the counselling because I did not feel like I got the relief or healing I was looking for.
It took me a few days to realise that what MB was going to give me was tools that would help me restore the love and M and the personal healing would come thru the process of implementing that and not merely from the gathering of the information.
So if you feel the same let down in terms of personal healing I just wanted to forewarn you not to expect a magic pill at the first session. After session 2 having re-adjusted what I was going to be receiving I was all on board.
I am glad I went thru the MB process with the Harleys and I am looking forward to your continued progress under their guidance.

The session went well, Stephen has given me a some comments to get WS to start thinking a little differently and maybe speak to MB himself.
Problem - the paperwork (dissolution) I found last week that he had started I am pretty sure (99.9%)that he has brought it to lawyers, I don't quite understand that - don't I have to sign off on a dissolution?
The night out at the comedian went very well, I reached over twice and held his hand - he did not let go. So why file to dissolve our marriage without at least telling me???
I have started the conversations that MB suggested, I am hoping....right now just hoping.....

MB also stated no plan B.

But are you going to do Plan B? I ask because a lot of people I know get advice from their therapist/IC/whatever and go and do the opposite thing they advised.

Going along with what MB suggested.

Yes, do exactly what Steve tells you. It's likely that you may need to do a more stellar Plan A before it's time to go to Plan B.

I don't think your H is completely done with you or your marriage, or he wouldn't have wanted to go out with you to the comedian. Instead, he would have said, "Screw it...I'm not going amywhere with her!"

This is hard, I did gently question WS - I asked if he has done anything formal. He states no, all that he has done is fill out paperwork, but has not filed anything.
When I gave him the sceniario that steve told me to say, "imaging if you were truly in love with your wife and you both were engaged in a marriage you thoroughly enjoyed and looked forward to spending time together" He stated that he could imagine that. He has not yet agreed to speaking with MB's. He has an IC session on Tues with our MC and wants to discuss all of this with him. And see what his opinion is on speaking with MB's.
He states he is leaning toward divorce but doesn't want to make a decision based on feelings alone.
I am trying to hold the faith - so very hard, my instincts tell me to do the opposite of steve is telling me to do.
So my only outlet right now is to post and vent and be frustrated here.
I do like our MC, he understands what is going on and thinks that a couple can get back a "re-cennectedness". So I am hoping he will help make that clear to WS. and encourage WS to talking with MB's.
Again all of this is so hard, part of thinks wouldn't just be easier to lie down and be done? The bigger part of me is fighting for what used to be my life. I feel as though to heal this will heal my soul. Or should it be the other way around. I know I am tired of feeling sad and alone.