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I don't know where else to turn, I can't get unbiased advise from anyone I know, and the end of my M may be drawing near if we don't do somthing now...

I am the WH, and had a 4 month A that ended when we were found out 9/15/09. I wish it were simply an issue of co-worker or a stranger, but it wasn't. I had an A with our nanny, she was part of our lives and my W entrusted her with everything, and went out of her way to be kind and generous, even buying her a new car. Her H was also one of my best friends...My W and I decided to put our 7 yr M back together and move past this, and this is proving to be very difficult. I changed my cell #, We moved 200 miles away to a new city. We own a business where we lived and still make monthly trips back to check on things, but have begun building a business in our new location as well. I have not had contact with OW since 9/25, and tried to forget everything about her and move forward. I have always had a spotty memory, and I have tried to be "radically honest" with my W, but I genuinly cannot remember details that well, and my W tells me I am lying to her when I can't remember.

We began MB last year but didn't finish (and should have). We recently decided to get back onboard with MB and finish the program, as both of our behavior patterns have been more detrimental than helpful.

I feel at times that my W hates me...she calls me horrible names, she takes things I have opened up to her about (radical honesty) and uses them to hurt me now. She takes things that I have said to her in the past and repeats them back to me out of context to push my buttons and fight. I don't blame her for being angry...I hurt her badly, I humiliated her, embarrassed her, and put someone else before our M, kids, and business. However, I do not want to hurt my W or fight anymore. I have trouble controlling my outbursts, as does she. There is no violence, but I feel she would hit me anytime, and it's getting worse. I don't get the impression that she truly wants to fix our M, and is only allowing me to stay for our kids. I have tried talking with her many times, and a rational conversation quickly decends into name calling and wanting to throw our M away. There is much, much more going on with us, but I am trying to hit the highlights, and get some positive feedback from someone who's been here and made it through.

I realize that was a long post, so I'll get to my questions...

How do I get her to realize that I want our M?
Should we just give up and be the best parents we can?
What's next? What should I expect from her?

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Her rage is not only about your A.
You exposed your vulnerable children to a crazy person.

What say you about that?

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BaT, I've heard that the anger of a BS occurs at about six months into recovery. That's about where you are right now.

In other words, this is expected, and is something that needs to be worked through.

I'd suggest making an appointment with the Harleys. Today.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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How did you do the MB programme before? Were you coached by the Harleys? Could you do this now? How are you "back on board" now? Are you doing the online course?

Did you post here last year? What was your name?


BW
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His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Have you set up an appointment with the Harleys? Can you attend an MB Weekend?

Have you made your list of Extraordinary Precautions and followed them?

Do the EN and LB Questionnaires again.

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We are doing the online program, andI have never posted before...Just trying to figure out what is coming, and how to handle it.

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'BAT', as 'Fred' said, 6 month period is the anger phase. I am just about at that 6 month period and I was wondering why I've been so angry lately...now I know why.

Doesn't stop me from being pissed off, but at least I know I am not the only one who has felt this way...your wife is expressing normal feelings about what you did to her, your children, family, friends, the nanny's family.....


Me: BH, 49 yrs old
Her: FWW 44 yrs old
A's occurred in 1988
Dday #1 (2 A's) Aug. 26, 2009
Dday #2 (3 A's) Sep. 5, 2009

My story: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...744#Post2279744

Not sure where we are going...?


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Originally Posted by By_a_thread
How do I get her to realize that I want our M?

She already realizes this.
She's not sure if she does want this M.
She is not sure if you are worth that risk.

It's going to be a long time before she is certain she wants YOU.
Probably years.
Do you get that?


Quote
Should we just give up and be the best parents we can?

If you give up now it will be because you lack empathy for your wife's dilemma.
If you give up now, it will be yet another selfish, weak moment in your personal history.

You brought her to this dance, and now you complain you don't like the music.
naughty



Quote
What's next? What should I expect from her?

A roller coaster ride of conflicting emotions.
Thousands of questions.
Thousands of tears.
Dirty looks.

And, you can expect her to feel sad and angry without obvious provocation.

You deal with it.
You fix yourself.
You find more strength than you ever had before.

And, most importantly, you dig deeper than you ever thought possible and find EMPATHY.

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'PB', you always make so thought provoking, relevant posts.


Me: BH, 49 yrs old
Her: FWW 44 yrs old
A's occurred in 1988
Dday #1 (2 A's) Aug. 26, 2009
Dday #2 (3 A's) Sep. 5, 2009

My story: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...744#Post2279744

Not sure where we are going...?


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Thanks, it does help to know that this is a normal reaction. I assumed (in my naivety) that we should be doing better at the 6 month mark.... We have been to 2 different MC's and aquired some useful tools, just haven't really been able to put them to positive use yet. I want to make her understand that I am here, and not going anywhere...I make no excuses for my actions...There are certainly reasons, but no excuses. I hope she can work through this with me and keep our family intact.

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You might not have meant this, but it sounded from your post as if you are looking for a way out. You are prepared to stay if your wife makes your marriage sensational and woos you back, but if she is going to be angry like this then you don't want to know. It's too much hard work.

It sounds as if you are looking for someone to give you an out from this unreasonable wife. Thus you paint her anger as something extreme, when it is perfectly understandable and merely inconvenient to YOU. You do not begin to explain how you thought it right to destroy your family as you did. How did you THINK your affair would make your wife feel?

You can leave at any time, if you want to continue exercising the selfish and self-interested behaviour that resulted in the affair. You do not need to convince the world that you are married to an impossible SOB.

Have some compassion. Don't stay with her if you do not want to, but do not blame her.


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'BAT', thats an interesting comment, 'there were reasons but no excuses'....true.

The WS understanding that the BS did NOTHING that justified having sex outside of their marriage is key to any R.

Last edited by codtej; 02/10/10 11:08 AM.

Me: BH, 49 yrs old
Her: FWW 44 yrs old
A's occurred in 1988
Dday #1 (2 A's) Aug. 26, 2009
Dday #2 (3 A's) Sep. 5, 2009

My story: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...744#Post2279744

Not sure where we are going...?


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The title of your thread dramaqueen reveals what's going on with you.

Quote
The hate may be too much...

This makes it seem that, sans your W's unreasonable hatred towards you, marriage recovery would happen.

Your W doesn't naughty hate you.

She hates that she cannot trust you.
What does this say about your wife?
It says that openness and honesty are high on her EN list.

Your wife does not hate you.
She hates that she does not recognize the man she married.
THAT man, would never expose his family to such danger.

Your wife does not hate you.
She hates that she has lost respect for you.
A real man never exposes his children and his wife to danger, in order to get laid.

So, if you can stand reading this .... there ARE actionable things regarding her feelings toward you.
It's not her hate that is messing up the recovery.

It's your attitude.

Are you ready to change?




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'PB', half of your posts to other members here ring so true for me and freaken make ME wanna cry. Jeez


Me: BH, 49 yrs old
Her: FWW 44 yrs old
A's occurred in 1988
Dday #1 (2 A's) Aug. 26, 2009
Dday #2 (3 A's) Sep. 5, 2009

My story: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...744#Post2279744

Not sure where we are going...?


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Originally Posted by By_a_thread
I want to make her understand that I am here, and not going anywhere...

Believe it or not, my sharp pointy finger is going to help you.

Hang on.
Here's another "look at you" comment.

She understands you say you are not going anywhere.
It is not her lack of understanding which brings such pain and conflict.
She understands what you say you want, she has no reason to believe you.

(yet)

She's not certain if she can stand looking at your face for the next 20 years.

She's not dumb. She understands.




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Keep SHOWING her that you are there for the long-haul. Words don't count at this point. Your ACTIONS are the proof.


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Originally Posted by By_a_thread
I hope she can work through this with me and keep our family intact.

And THIS is the granddaddy comment. MrRollieEyes

Look, BaT, I don't expect you to "get it" entirely, not yet.
But, you better become a speed reader of insight and empathy, if you really want this M to recover.

Do you realize what this particular comment says about YOU?

Where's the leadership in your comment?
Where is the MAN-UP strength in your comment?

Come on!
Be the strong one.

YOU can do it!

Man up !




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I appreciate all the feedback, and I certainly do not want out, or an excuse to leave her...I made a huge, seemingly unforgivable error in judgement and a life altering mistake! I wouldn't take the time to put my personal life on the internet, write a post, read responses, and seek advise from others that have been through this if I wasn't searching for answers and help...I would simply listen to a divorced friend and leave!

With regard to her anger, I DO NOT blame her, and I do not know if her anger is extreme or reasonable...it has gotten worse, not better. I am just trying to understand, and find out what I can do to help the R process now...I can't undue past transgressions...Obviously, if I had been thinking clearly and acting within the guidelines and principals of a healthy M, I wouldn't have done what I did in the first place. I empathize with her, and I hurt when she does...I get upset and emotional daily when I think of what I have done to our family. I am simply asking what else we can do....

Change....I do not talk to or communicate in any way with her or anyone who knew about the A...I moved, changed my cell# and deleted her from every email and messenger account...I do not go anywhere or do anything w/o my W. We work from home together in the same room, we share every meal together and spend every night beside each other...My computer, emails and cell are always available to her, as I am trying to be transparent in my day to day life.

I am doing everything I know to do to win her back...Once again, that is why I am here asking for advise/help on what to do and how to do it...

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"I'm not going anywhere" is a start, but it's not nearly enough to fix the damage.

In fact, it's perilously close to the "I'm here, aren't I?" response that so many Wayward Spouses give to their frantic Betrayed Spouses after D-Day.

Did you think your BW was just frightened that you would leave, and all she wanted was reassurance that you wouldn't?

(That's how your posts are coming across.)

"I'm here, aren't I?" is arrogant and dismissive. Your Betrayed Wife needs far more from you than that. Just being graced by your presence is not nearly enough.

Like Pepperband said, your BW knows you have offered to stay. Your BW is looking for a reason why she should WANT you to stay.

What reasons can you give her?


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Quote
I do not know if her anger is extreme or reasonable...

Okay, fasten your seat belt:

Try real hard to picture your wife spreading her legs for another man.

Then she wants you to forgive her and go on with your lives as normal.

Try real hard to picture how you would really feel about this.

And if you can't picture this because "my wife would never do such a thing" - well, that's what your wife thought about you, too.

We are not trying to hammer you here.

We are trying to get you to have one thing: Empathy.

Just as Pep said above.

Empathy, empathy, empathy.


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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