How about we go back to some basic questions that may help us to help you.

You said you purchased the online seminar..... Right?

Did you and your wife complete any of the lessons? If so, which ones?

Did you do any phone coaching w/ The Harleys?

Are you and your wife scheduling 15 hrs of Undivided Attention (UA) together?

What MB books have you read?
What MB books has your W read?

What is your wife's MB user name?

Let's start here if that's OK with you!

I do have more questions,,,,, But I promise we will give you some concrete steps you can take to help recover this marriage,,,,, it just won't all come in one day, OK!

Have you been tested for STDs? That is a tangible thng you could do, as well.

Funny that several of you brought up the car...My W still keeps in close contact with the OW nieces (that live w/ her). My wife has also hired the older niece to work for us, gave the vehicle to her, and takes the car payment out of her salary....These girls continually keep my W updated on what is going on in OW's life and marriage and any drama that unfolds. I have expressed my concerns with staying involved with these girls, but my W insists, and I feel that I am in no position to keep her from doing anything or talking to anyone she chooses.

To answer another question, I have removed myself from ANYONE that knows her, or knew about the A, and I have not had contact since 9/25...10 days after D-Day, and I sent the "no contact"
letter...and to date, there has been 0 contact...none!

I am genuinely remorseful and trying everything I know to do...The comment I made earlier about divorced friends isn't somthing I am considering...It was meant to make a point...Read the post prior as someone was suggesting that I am looking for a way out...I have removed ALL of these people from my life...I DO NOT communicate with any of my old friends...I do not respond to whimsical emails, talk on the phone, or visit anyone...I have been with my W day in and day out since D-day.

I'll end with this...Thank you all for insight and guidance, and to those of you who have offered practical advise, it is appreciated more than you can ever know

For the rest of you that feel it somehow helpful to lash out and try and make someone else feel worse about what they have done ...It doesn't help, and I personally don't feel that people come to a forum unless they are looking for help, guidance, answers or solutions...They are searching for a way to rebuild what they tore down...additional blame isn't help, guidance, advise or a solution.

I know what I am, I know I am to blame, I know what I did, I have accpeted full responsibility, I know I cannot undue the wrong, I hate myself for having created this situation...and finally, I want to fix it...

Please, before anyone else posts, please read mine from start to finish, and have a better idea of why I am here..My W is all I care about now...If you don't have any helpful ideas, please don't post

Thanks Pep!

BaT ~

For many women, RESPECT is what allows us to be "in love" with a man.

Your W has lost all respect for you. ALL of it. She has ZERO respect for you right now.

You need to find a way to earn this back. I have found that meeting ENs and avoiding LBers mean NOTHING to me if my FWH has not earned my respect back.

What are you doing to earn her respect back?

BaT,

When you allowed yourself to have an affair you didn't make a "mistake" or an error in judgment. You made a choice. That choice was to feed your own selfishness over showing care and protection for your wife, and I might add, your friend as well as both families. Your "mistake" was in believing that you were entitled to fee that selfishness. You went wrong when you chose to go down that road and allow yourself to consider the nanny as someone other than an employee. You stopped thinking about the consequences of your choices and allowed yourself to feed off of the feelings you were having rather than making a rational choice to protect others, most importantly your wife, from your selfish behavior.

Lot's reasons might exist for that kind of thinking process but honestly none of them matter, at least not right now. What matters now is what you will do to prove to your wife that you can't, not won't but cannot, ever go down that road again. You have to show her, not tell her, that you are protecting her from your own selfishness. You have to demonstrate that the person who did this will never be you ever again.

A betrayed spouse loses all reference to what is real and what is unreal. Nothing they ever believed can be trusted. The ONE thing they believed above all else was the nail in the wall they could count on to measure, define and establish everything else in life is GONE.

They lose the ability to trust, not just the WS, but everything they once believed in. Most of all they lose the ability to trust their own ability to KNOW what is true. She no longer trust you but more importantly she isn't sure she can trust herself to know when you are being honest.

The road to the affair was not likely a single event nor did it take place on a single day. The recovery process will not be a single even or a single day either. It will take a lot longer than you can even imagine right now. It will be a roller coaster ride that will make you puke.

Mark

This is VERY VERY unhealthy. Your W needs to stop this TODAY.

Find a different nanny. This is keeping your W at d-day and is part of why she is so angry (some of her anger is very normal at this point...VERY. But this is not helping, in fact it is making it much worse.)

Trust me on this.

BaT...... Did you somehow miss my earlier posts before you submitted your last reply?

TST - Thank you..concrete steps are what I am looking for..I'll email the other info u are asking about.

Married Forever....

You might want to read his wifes thread..... Pep linked it - a few posts ago.

Bat - the email and PM functions don't work on this forum.

If you would..... just continue on this thread with answers. You will receive some amazing help from many good people in the end..... I promise.


You are going to find some 2x4's being swung at you...... maybe even by me. I'm sure you will come out on the other side feeling better regardless..... I recieved 2x4's that make what's been posted to you smell like roses.

Has the affair been exposed to OW's Husband?

TST - It took me awhile to type (one finger at a time). So, i saw ur post after I replied..tried sending a PM, but can't figure out how. thanks again.

Yes Gack, I even wrote an apology letter to him shortly after D-day.

BaT the PM features on this forum are disabled. It really will do some good to post your replies here instead of in a private arena.

FWIW I've been in your shoes and Tst in particular was a large influence in helping me recover myself and my marriage.

You may get hit with some 2x4's but you'll quickly learn the difference between a poster trying to help and a poster trying to lash out - ignore the ones that lash out, develop some thick skin, and settle in for some work.

BAT,

""I had an A with our nanny, she was part of our lives and my W entrusted her with everything, and went out of her way to be kind and generous, even buying her a new car. Her H was also one of my best friends""

Your sitch is much more complicated with many more threads of betrayal than the "average" adulterous affair. And you seem to realize this. Not only were you unfaithful to her, but the Nanny was unfaithful to your wife also. And you betrayed the nanny's husband who was a best friend too, which also comes back affecting your wife.

Your wife has had a double whammy, close to a triple whammy.

Say your wife was brutally gang raped by three sadistic psychopaths and left for dead. How would you help her heal and become any semblance of her former self. How would you treat her day by day? What things could you think of to do for her to bring her back from where-ever she is now?

Not too different from what you have done to her, brother.

And if you think this too extreme, then the empathy of which Pep speaks of is nowhere close.

imho

kirk

"additional blame" ????

I asked your wife where YOUR children were while you were banging the nanny in the children's bed ... and you think any of us have to power to assign "additional blame" ?

We have a female poster who has reconciled her marriage after her WH made 2, count 'em, TWO babies with OW. We don't need pointers from you about what it takes to reconcile or find a solution.

Dr Harley says:

I know the wrong thing to do is ask my W what she wants, and I should just let her vent and rage at me whenever she feels the need to...here it comes...But, i don't feel I am much different than many other men, and I want to fix it...Today was the first day I have read her posts and responses (didn't even know she was posting today)...I will say that there seem to be a few differences of opinion...and that is somthing I intend to work on...Afterall, she was wronged, I did it, and at this stage, she is right and i am wrong...So, my goal is to make sure that we are posting similar issues and I am working towards putting her back together...She's my (W)orld.