Yup. What turtle said. It's going to be hard if you find truly incriminating evidence, but you can't divulge your knowledge! Your H will dismiss your evidence and will work harder in the future so you can't find more. Bring your stuff here and post it - we'll look at it with you and help you determine whether you're on base or not. We've seen plenty.

If it is determined that there is an A occurring, you'll need plenty of evidence for your next stage of killing the A: exposure. More on that later. For now, snoop!

And while you're snooping - work on you. Your appearance, your attitude, your marriage. Make home a good place to be for him.

Thank you to all have continued to reply. In some ways I feel better, in some ways I feel worse. I will continue to snoop, although just yesterday I have an example that makes me sick to think about - I just can't believe it's come to this and he doesn't seem to care.

And as the last couple have mentioned here - I think at this point in time I need to keep snooping and making record of what I'm seeing, feeling, experiencing...and that's all. I've already been working on making our home life between us, with the kids, everything more enjoyable and I do think he has noticed. I've also been working on me - getting in shape, my attitudes, our physical relationship, etc. So some steps have already been in place.

I am not naive, even though it may sound that way. But I have to hold on to hope that this can be reversed and soon. I am hoping with all of my being that if we continue to work on us and what we have, things will get better on the other end and he won't need her connection as much. I knwo because they work together it will be there but I hope not to the same level. Again, I am not being naive, believe me - my eyes are WIDE open adn I will continue to make myself aware. But I know him and putting it in his face right now will not work.

I will continue to come here, read things, share examples and see what happens.

Thank you all...feeling better and worse all at once.

I would like to suggest that along with keeping your suspicions and knowledge close to the chest, you arrange to meet him for lunch at work and or right after he gets off.

To

1. monopolize some of his free time that she may be filling
2. make your wife presence known
3. to have quality time with the dear man

All in plan A style...no matter the nasty reactions you may get.

It can be reversed. It will not be soon. Plan on months rather than days or weeks. I say this not to discourage you, but to give you realistic expectations so that you do *not* become discouraged after two or three weeks.

As you read here and learn, you will come to understand that the biggest problem you have is your husband's poor boundaries. He does not recognize his inappropriate behavior around women not his wife. He does not understand the role of extraordinary precautions to protect his marriage.

Do not despair. He can learn these things. I think many of us (possibly the majority) did not understand extraordinary precautions when we discovered MB. I know I didn't. I thought I was a good wife, and in retrospect I was a poster child for how NOT to protect a marriage. I'm amazed things went as well as they did for as long as they did for me. I suspect your husband is a lot like I was. Thinks he's a good spouse, would never do anything "wrong" -- but he's naive and ignorant, and doesn't realize how his "innocent" and "friendly" behaviors put his marriage at risk.

The reason I bring all this up now is so that you don't do Plan A, get back to status quo (things better on the other end and he doesn't need her as much), and think you're done. Status quo is what landed you here. The good news is you can have a spectacular marriage once you have the tools and knowledge. The information in Harley's books, on this website, and the good people in this forum can help you acquire those tools and knowledge.

jad-I can't offer anything that the others haven't already touched on. You are LUCKY to have found this place when you did. I was the same as you right up until the good people here told me that I was wrong about my WH and it was more than I thought. I wish I would have found this site 2 years before I did. The things that I have learned since coming here are AMAZING. The people are UNBELIEVABLE. You have a good chance to use MB(marriage builders)concepts and get the superb marriage you have always wanted.

Jad:

it was and is hard for me to read your thread, mine is very similar. i had the same gut instinct in march and brushed it off thinking WS actually looked pitiful. OW is 25 he is 45. i wished i would have payed attention. April came and the big talk, i love you, not in love with you...need space. i did not find MB until June however started plan Aing in april(just did not know that is what it was).....move for ward till now.

very painful last 10 months...NC was written in Nov. recovery and learning each other every day. you can read my thread if interested.

i want to encourage you to read everything you can on this forum, listen to the vets. everytime i have taken a different route, i have had to back peddle. the program works. my WS was a great man of character and faith, wonderful family man, would never have dreamed he would do this to me, his family, himself.
i never would have dreamed i would see the changes in him that i did. Alien? yes! impossible to recover your man, yourself - no. Snoop, be smart, love yourself, love him, keep your head in the game. you are in the battle of your life, you will win. it will take time, my WS says and yes sometimes i wonder, but have no proof of the other, that this was an EA and it has been like a meteor hit to me, our family, him. the pain is undescribable, but you can and will get through this.

you are in for the long hall, keep your eyes on the prize. a better you, a better him, a better restored marriage.

my heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you.

Morning everyone. Thanks for the continued advice and replies, although it breaks my heart to know so many others have felt this uncertainty and pain. I'm struggling with my inner self now - yesterday I had decided that I would keep snooping as I needed to for myself, so my eyes continued to be open and between my spouse and I, I would keep working on things as we have been and I described above. But on my way home from work last night, I just felt so sad and heartbroken. I just wanted to scream at him "don't you know how badly your actions are hurting me"? "If you only knew..." And I know that if I bring it up again, atleast right now, that he will say he wasn't telling me this or that so I wouldn't worry (becuase I have brought it up before, blah blah blah). I knwo it's a line he's walking and he can't see how he's crossing it right now. I know that.

But it still sucks. I hate this feeling. My stomach is upset all the time. I try to eat and nothing sounds or tastes good. Last night I ran 5 miles on the treadmill and it was a good release, but I found I was crying through most of it.

It's so hard - and I know so many of you have been there - because when I'm away from him, I see these things (phone calls, e-mails) and even if it's black and white in front of me, my mind wanders to even worse places. And then I see him and am at home wtih him and our children and I can't believe it. I can't believe that he woudl even risk hurting me in this way and I know he's not even thinking like that. And it just hurts. I'm sad, scared, hurt, angry...so many emotions I haven't ever had to feel in relation to him and it just hurts.

I will continue to read here and take advice from each of you. Thank you for reading my ramblings. Thinking of each of you on your journey....

Yes Jad, everything about it sucks, what i had to realize is this is not the man i know, not the man that is my husband, the father of my children. i had to get to know the alian that had taken over my man.

keep doing what you are doing. snoop, snoop, snoop, plan A the hell out of him, don't listen to anything he says, it is not him. make yourself, your home, the best thing that ever happend to him. continue to listen to the vets, they are very wise, vent on here. we love you and want you to win, you will win....whatever the win will be.

love yourself first...i mean that. whatever you need, do. he will not meet any of your needs. treat him as if you have just met him and think he is the best thing next to sliced bread. love him in the moment. don't concentrat on her and what she is and what she is doing. plan your mission and execute it with precise detail.

look into the past, you know him, you know what he likes, loves and treat him like a stranger in your mind. meet him new everyday. talk to him with words, motions and spriritual connections. you will prevail. don't act on what you find snooping until you run it by this forum. they will tell you everything you need to know and do, then do it..

cry alone, yell alone, your heart will break in ways you never dreamed possible...but you will survive.....he will come back to you, you will be victorious if this is what you want.

your marriage will be better, secure, happy and healthy again. but make no mistake, it will be the hardest thing you will ever have to survive and do. but it can be done.

i do believe that because i have been where you are and hope to be where the veteran are....in recovery.

Good morning.
I'm a very new poster here and I thank everyone for the advice and support you've given me in the few short days I've been on here. If you remember, mine was in relation to an emotional connection I feared between my husband and a co-worker.

I think I'm losing my mind. I did not reveal all that I knew, but last night I let some of my insecurities slip out and now I regret it. My husband has always been very transparent, but I do not think I am being naive when I believe him when he tells me that some things he backed off on sharing becuase he felt like it was too much for me. Not that there was anything going on - but he didn't want to upset me.

Anyway - last night he said something and it just sparked something in me. I was trying to hard to keep it in but it just started pouring out. Not to mention I've been physically sick to my stomach and that was getting to me, too. I could tell that I was hurting him with what I said because he felt I wasn't trusting him for no reason. Now, like I said earlier this week I do still feel a line has been crossed from what I have read in e-mails, but I don't think it's as bad as I was first thinking. I'm just a wreck.

Again, I did not tell him I had read his e-mails - and plan to snoop some more. But I do think I'm letting my mind wander a bit too much.

I'm not sure I want to hear it - but I wouldn't have come here if I didn't need some guidance. Tell me - am I being crazy?

(I'm kind of scared to come back and read!)

My suggestion would be to change your strategy before this wears you down more and a) be radically honest about your feelings and b) ask him to change his work situation so he has no more contact with this woman.

It sounds like you are messing around looking for grounds to justify asking him to stop his relationship with this woman, and you already have grounds. The grounds are that you can see this is headed in the wrong way and it causes you great pain and anxiety. THAT IS GROUNDS. The grounds are that he is keeping secrets from you that only he and this woman are privy to.

She is clearly meeting some need of his and when that happens, the other needs are not far behind.

A caring husband would stop contact with her now just knowing how you feel.


Your husband should not be trusted if he has a close relationship with a co=worker. That is the reason. It is not hurtful to point this out, it IS hurtful to you as a wife to watch your H behave in such a risky, cavilier way with your marriage and your mental health. IT IS HURTING YOU.

jad, slap a keylogger on his computer and then sit down and be HONEST with him. DEMAND that he end his working relationship with this woman because it is tearing you up with anxiety.

jad, I was one of the folks who replied to your original post. My point wasn't to get you in a panic. Rather, it was to let you know that you might have valid reasons for feeling suspicious, and that it's prudent to take measures to protect your marriage. You were well-advised by others to be in loving mode toward your husband while at the same time in intel-gathering mode to ascertain, as best you can, exactly what sort of involvement you're dealing with re: him & this co-worker.

I know -- easy to say, tough to put into practice. It's good that you didn't tell him re: having read his e-mails, and good that you plan to remain vigilant. Be careful of tipping your hand to your husband too soon. If there is something going on between them, then you risk having him go "underground" -- i.e., being more discreet.

Well, what did he say? What "poured out" from you in reply? Also, you have not detailed the sorts of things he's said & she's said, in the e-mails you've read. What specifically did you learn that makes you think that you might have been overreacting initially? Not asking for transcripts, but maybe if you share more specifics, people will be better able to offer you advice.

Also, best if you stick to a single thread -- then people can more easily keep up with your history, so as to advise you better. Hang in there.

jad, please stick to one thread. It gets very confusing trying to remember who is who even when everyone only has one thread. When you have multiple threads it becomes impossible.

Also, if your entire story is in one thread it makes it easier to page back and review the details.

I know you're new here and most forums like you to start a new thread for every new subject and thought. This is one place where that's not helpful.

Listen to Mel, she always has good advice.
Don't have any expectations when you ask your H to cease contact with OW.

He might be shocked and agree immediately and go into counseling with you.
He might be angry that you are accusing him when he is innocent.
He might offer up all kinds of reasons why no contact w/her is impossible at this point.
He might say he'll quit talking to her but begin to hide it better.

Don't worry about all that. Just tell him how you feel, CALMLY and honestly. Ask him to help you feel safe. Men are fixers. If you ask him to help you, he'll be more receptive.

Oh, you can get the moderators to merge your threads by clicking the notify button and asking them to merge the two. Or you can pick one and stick to it.

jad, I would also strongly suggest that you get phone coaching with Steve Harley. You and your H have some risky notions about the concept of TRUST that is damaging to your marriage. [and tearing you down] Steve will sell you both on the concept of protecting your marriage and disabusing your H of some of these odd notions. Let Steve be your salesman. He will sell the concept of protection to your husband in a logical, reasonable way. This way, you are left out of it.

For example, your H believes that it is ok to have close relationships with females outside of marriage because "he can be trusted." That is faulty logic. It is like saying I should be trusted to go drunk driving because I can be trusted.

Steve could be a great help, jad.

Okay, first, to help us all keep your story straight, you are going to want to keep this to the one thread. There are a lot of new people here everyday and if we have to search for your original thread, you will not get the help you need.

Okay, now that that is out of the way, I am going to tell you that you are NOT CRAZY.

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY I repeated that so you would believe it.

Why are you scared to come back and read on here? Because you already know what we are going to tell you. I was like you. If you have a few weeks(hehehehehehe) to read my first and second thread , you will see what I have done since coming here.

I found this site almost 2 years from my first D-day. I received a phone call from a co-worker of my WH's and POSOW. It was a girl who told me that my WH was making a fool out of me at work. She told me to ask my WH who OW was. I didn't even know he had this OW as a friend. He would take lunches and breaks with her and they sat side by side(they work at a call center). I just kept saying, "Okay" after everything she said. After I got off of the phone, I called my WH's cell phone repeatedly until he called me back.

I told him about the phone call and he told me he would come straight home. He left work and talked to me the whole time he was driving home from work. He came home and we talked. He was really angry with the person who called me and denied everything she said. Then we spent the weekend emailing POSOW back and forth and coming up with our game plan. I now thank the person who called me, although I wish I would have listened to her better and believed what she said and took some action.

A couple of months later, I found an open box of condoms under the drivers seat of our car. I FREAKED. WH explained that away too. POSOW and I talked on the phone a couple of times and emailed eachother. We were even friends on facebook.

March 08, WH was going out to play pool. I had a "funny" feeling. He took a shower and I checked our balance on our pre-paid cell. He left, and about 10 mins later I checked the mins on our cell and some were used. I KNEW right away that he was with POSOW. We only had one car, so I walked to a friend's house and asked her to drive me around to 2 different cities to find my WH while her BF watched my kids. We went to the 2 pool halls and he wasn't there. Then we drove to POSOW's house and there was my car. I didn't even wait for my friend to stop before I was out of the truck.

I called my WH on the cell phone but he didn't answer. I rang up to POSOW's apt and noone answered. Then I remembered that I had her on facebook and she had her cell num on there. I called her and when she answered I said, "Can I speak to my HUSBAND please?" She said, "Just a second." Then WH came on the phone. I told him that I was outside. He said he was outside too, at the back of the building. He told me that she was having a problem with her bf and wanted his help. I said, "Yea her problem with her bf is that he is married to ME." This is the first time that I saw her. It didn't go great. I was a CRAZY PERSON. She actually had to move because of the disturbance I caused(okay I am actually glad about that).

They continued to talk on the phone and I continued to snoop. I would find things that didn't make sense and when I confronted WH about it he would say they were "just friends", and I just didn't want him to have friends. He had female friends before and nothing ever happened. I trusted him, he never lied to me before(at least not well).

I had many many times when I would blow up. It wasn't until march 2009, when I found cell phone records that proved he called her many times a week, although he constantly told me that he didn't even know her phone number. He lied right to my face over and over again.

I finally had enough and told him that he could not be friends with her anymore. I didn't know that he had to quit his job too. He agreed that he could stay away from her. My Mom saw them together in May. Things CRASHED after that. Now I am where I am now.

I hope to help you not get here. Please listen and snoop. I wish I would have found this place sooner, I could have saved myself and my kids a lot of heart ache. My WH lives with POSOW and only sees our kids 6 days a month and talks to them on the phone every other day for 4 mins. It hurts but it is better than when he lived here and was going to have "play time" with her. I want to have him all or nothing. I will not let him have us both. What do you want?

Thanks to the moderators for combining my two threads!!! See post below...
********************************

Thanks everyone. I apologize for starting a new thread. For now, I will post here, but I have contacted the moderators to ask them to merge the two threads.

At this point, I will give you some more background information and answer a few questions.

First of all, I have a session set up for just me with Steve on Tuesday. I haven't mentioned any of this site (obviously) or sessions with Steve to my husband - but I think talking to Steve will help me. I just need some clarity of what I'm feeling/thinking/experiencing.

Now, for some more specifics:
1. We've been together over 20 years (dated since high school), married for 12.5. We have 3 children but have also lost two children as well and got through that together.

2. He has worked with co-worker for 5 years, but this is the first year they had a change in dynamic in their working group and they've interacted more.

3. He used to tell me little stories about things she was doing or said...and then back last fall he stopped. We talked about it briefly back then, according to him, but I don't really remember a conversation last fall. He said he felt that he was talking about her too much, and it was just work related stuff, so he stopped so I wasn't uncomfortable. I have explained a couple times that him not sharing makes me feel more insecure/uncomfortable.

4. Fast forward to around the holidays - they were not working and my spouse is not an e-mailer. Well, he was on his e-mail a lot at that time and there was once that he was telling me something from a note she wrote. As I walked in the room he immediately closed it down. I saw it was a slightly longer note and that was my first �sick� feeling. That was also when I started reading his e-mails some. The e-mail itself was harmless � it really was � it was literally a lot of casual friend stuff � it was just a lot. I remember at that time saying to him �I am lucky to get a sentence from you in e-mail and you are still sending that note to her?� He made a comment about when he�s at work he doesn�t� e-mail, so e-mail him at home. Well, I had while he was on holiday break and I think he got my point � but I think it also made him stop e-mailing at home when I was around.

5. Come mid-January � I was having a rought week. Talked to a friend about what I was feeling and worried about the friend connection and she thought I was reading too much into it. I even admitted to her that I had checked his e-mail (once, even though it had been a couple times) and she said not to say anything � especially not accuing. She�s known us since high school. But I couldn�t shake it. One night as we were getting into bed, he asked what was wrong because I seemed off and I just lost it. Said I was feeling unsure about what he was sharing with the co-worker because he never talked about her. He said he didn�t mean to make me feel that way � they were just friends and if anything, he was just glad to finally have a co-worker to vent about work to, etc. That�s all it was. That is when he made the comment - �what are you suggesting? I�m not that smart to be anythighn other than friends and I love you! I love our family! We are just friends.�

Initially I felt better, but then the doubts started creaping in.

6. I don�t remember how soon after that it was but not long I was reading an e-mail and read a note from her saying �you�re too nice to me� related to a file he sent and he replied �some would say too nice �. Of course, I immediately think he told her my insecurities. I know I read some other references to things like that � like she had a health issue and he told me about that and I�m in the health field so I looked up some info and e-mailed to him to share with her (trying to be included). I saw a note where he forwarded it on to her saying �see? She does care about my BFF�s health �. So again, I know he shared with her.
7. Forward another week or so and I�ve had a couple instances where he goes into work on a Sunday to catch up, and she�s not there but they are e-mailing. One of those conversations she references �lifted her shirt to see how far she had ran� while working out and his reply back was �don�t be teasing me�.� � made me physically sick.
8. Another e-mail instance � this past weekend � he asked me to help him send a picture to another co-worker (male) and as I come downstairs from putting our son to bed, he just looks �guilty.� So I don�t stand there whiel he opens his e-mail, I wait for him to ask for my help, then immediately leave the room. The next day I check and see that there was a note from her that night, which explains him looking at me funny because he didn�t want me to see. Her note was fairly innocent, really, but not with all the background stuff. She says things like ��I won�t be in today (Sunday) as it�s my husband�s birthday and I figure I need to spend the day with him rather than my mail BFF�.oh and I have to tell you about my dream about so and so�and no, no naked men this time.� I read his reply back and he says �so I actually have to get some work done? � Then she responds, all on that Sunday morning when he is at work, saying �okay, after I saw you were checking yoru e-mail at home on Saturday night, I had a bad feeling that it was being read by not just you. Not that I said anything bad, but I didn�t want to add to any concerns or have you quesitonned to death.� (See, I know he told her � it�s obvious!) He replies back with this whole story about how he ��saw a note from her, and heard me coming down the stairs and made the gut call to delete the e-mail without reading�then after wife helped me attach the file, I read your note and while it was all innocent, without the back story it would have lead to questions and I�m sooooo glad she didn�t read it. Let�s just say my evening was a lot better since she didn�t see it.� Again, I get physically sick. They have a couple back and forth with her saying I�m glad there weren�t any worries � I can rest better and he writing back saying he was laughing.

All while that is going on I�m e-mailing him, too, to try to keep me on his mind.

9. He had a day off because of snow. Talks to her on the cell phone for 77 minutes. Called me after getting done to say why he called her (didn�t say anything they talked about) but admits to me they talked for over an hour and he was impressed with how well the kids did just playing. He said �co-worker kept saying I�ll let you go� and I kept saying �hey, they are being good, it�s okay.� Later that afternoon I see a note from her saying �after you get the boys to nap, call me � I have a funny story to share. Unless you�ve met your quota for the day, then it can wait until tomorrow.� Well, I noticed he never called her on his cell phone. I get home and check our downstairs phone � nothing outgoing or ingoing. I think that�s strange because he�s not the type not to call her back or e-mail her (and he hadn�t). check our upstairs phone the next morning on a whim and BAM � there is her number and he did call her! From our phone upstairs so I wouldn�t see! Again, I get physically sick.

10. Fast foard to last night � I have been feeling physically sick for days. Can�t really eat, nauseaos, nervous � all of it. I can�t remember exactly what he said at dinner (with the kids, which was bad timing for me) but I made a refernce about not sharing. He�s like �what am I not sharing?� I explain you can�t go through yoru day and only have this kind of story � you never talk about co-worker anymore and you used to share little funny stories or just stories. He makes a smart comment back about �so you want to know every little thing� and I�m like �no � I just want you to share like you used to.� We go back and forth for a while and he (not immediately) says �I feel like you don�t trust me and I don�t understand � I haven�t done anything wrong.� He said the only thing he said to her was once she said he wasn�t really talking or sharing and just wondered if he was okay. I think he was trying to tell me he told her, but never said �I told her your concerns.�

Long story short � (ha) � those are some examples. T eh night ended with me not telling him I checked e-mail, me apologizing for being so insecure. When I�m with him, I 100% believe him and after all that we�ve shared want to believe him. I felt better about it as I went to sleep, but then woek up after 2 and had a hard time sleeping worrying about it. Worrying that all I said just pushed him closer to her and everything I was trying to avoid.

On the way to work, I got sick again. In my note to let him know I arrived I said �my stomach is a wreck � I got sick on the way to work.� He immediately calls me to say �are you okay? Honey, I�m okay and I�m glad you shared your concerns last night. I want you to share and please know I�m not dwelling on what you said � I�m just glad you shared. It�s okay. I love you.�

I�m just worried. I know that was a lot � you all asked for examples! So, you got them! I get waves � one minute I�m okay, the next I�m sick and worried and scared. I�m looking forward to talking with Steve, and expert, on Tuesday and see where I am justified and where I am crazy.

Thank you all. I�m sorry to put all this out there.

One quick addition - this was also the note he sent me after we talked on the phone...

"Hopefully you are able to feel better! Honestly, thank you for sharing your feelings with me, I do appreciate it. I agree that we are a stronger couple today than we were even yesterday when true feelings are shared. I love you very much and I'm glad we are experiencing life together with our boys.
Have a good morning!
Love you , ___"

What do you think?

I think you need to kill his relationship with this woman or your marriage is headed for big trouble. This is an EA already and it is going to get worse. Steve will be huge help.

Can you condense that post down to about 3-5 paragraphs? That is alot of words that most ppl won't have time to work through.

ok, I got to the bottom line in these 2 paragraphs so I think I understand. You and your husband CONTINUE to misdiagnose the problem, jag. This is not about your "insecurity." This is about is about a LEGITIMATE FEAR you have that has led you to check his email. When your 4 year old is suddenly silent and you cna't find him, do you look for him because you are "insecure" or because YOU RECOGNIZE A REAL THREAT?

You are insecure FOR A REASON. It is because you recognize a real threat to your marriage. But focusing on your WARRANTED fears instead of the source of the fear is a DISTRACTION. The source of the fear needs to be removed. That means that he should protect you by ending his working/personal relationship with this woman.

That is the solution, jag. Again, the source of the problem is not YOU, it is his inappropriate relationship with this woman.

Don't believe his words. He will lie, lie, lie to keep you off his back and to maintain his emotional affair with OW.

You want to know if you're crazy? Look at the facts:
He is sneaking and hiding.
That is "against the rules" in a marriage.

When you express concerns to him, he SHOULD immediately do everything in his power to move heaven and earth to ensure you feel safe and secure in the marriage. He should at the bare minimum send a NC letter to OW and ask to be moved to another location or shift at work. He should also report the inappropriate relationship to his boss(es) so that they understand his desire for another desk and/or shift.

BUT what does he do?
He hides things even more under the pretense of not wanting to hurt you. If he didn't want to hurt you, he wouldn't do hurtful things!

He confides to OW. He should be confiding to YOU that he is attracted to her and working with you on how to put an end to it, how to shore up his boundaries.

I suggest that you:
1) Drop the "I want you to share" tactic. You don't want him to share, you want him to kill the thing he has going with OW.
2) Tell him you are not feeling safe and protected. Tell him why without revealing your sources. The way he emails all the time all of a sudden. The way he jumps and shuts down or deletes an email when you come in the room. The need to talk to a colleague for over an hour because work was cancelled. NONE of these are normal behaviors and they are making you physically ill. Let him know this.
3) Tell him that you want to either attend a weekend seminar on building stronger marriages or you want to do marriage counseling together. It must be one or the other and it is non-negotiable. I wouldn't mention Harley or MB at this point.

Do this without any angry outbursts, selfish demands (except the counseling), or disrespectful judgments. If you have to pause in order to rehearse your responses to him and eliminate LBs, that's okay. That's better than a LB!

He will protest. He wants the ego boost he's getting from his "friend" and he will try to protect it. He will probably tell you that you're paranoid, insecure, crazy, imagining things, etc. Let that all wash off your back. Do NOT get into a game of justifying yourself or trying to prove your position to him. Just tell him "I don't feel safe. What are you going to do to make me feel safe?"

Whatever you do, do NOT reveal that you are reading his email, checking phone minutes, etc. He will just open a secret email account and buy a disposable phone. Keep your info sources to yourself. And print off those emails and stash them somewhere safe for now. I think you're going to need to expose this and you'll want "proof" to share with OM's husband.