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#2323303 02/13/10 04:15 PM
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What I required. In no particular order.

1. Confess and apologize to OW's husband. In person. In public. Me by his side.

2. Confess and apologize to my parents.

3. Confess to our priest.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The purpose was not humiliation.
The purpose was H gaining my respect.
And gaining self respect.
And owning his own relationships with others.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Has any other BS made this a requirement to recovery?

I place a high value on honesty.
If my H required me to lie to my friends and family in order to recover our M ... he could go find a different place to enjoy secrecy.
Not with me.



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This was non-negotiable for us:

I confessed to parents
I confessed to boss (looking back, I know this doesn't jive with MB exposure, but I wasn't in lying mode then, so it worked)
I talked with H's parents (he had alread told them)
I pulled away from the one mutual friend OM and I had had
All passwords given
All cellphone info given
NC with OM - ever
Report any accidental contact (same aisle at Wal Mart, etc)
Stay on bipolar treatent - forever
No male friends, never alone with a male
Honest with DS and DD
Answer any and all questions any time they are asked
Take 100 percent responsibility for A WIHOUT qualifying it (i.e. saying "Our marriage made me vulnerable")

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Thanks oosi

What do you personally gain from confession?
How did it help you as a person?
Did you feel better?
Worse?
Stronger?
Weaker?
More in control?
Less in control?

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I required that my husband apologize to my parents and my #2 sister. They were furious about his affair and my #2 sister said "I HATE HIS GUTS."

She was the most hurt so when he suggested that we "never see those folks again!" I explained that if I had to choose between a lying, cheating bum and my family who stood by my side, guess who would be the bum on the curb!? smile

Anywho, he apologized forthwith.....


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Confession was scary, but it was absolutely the right thing. It hrt H terribly to know what I had done, but he needed to know. Telling those close to us was a way to take responsibility for my actions, seek out help and support for our M, and keep me accountable.

The first few days after D-Day, the pain H felt was so raw, I wondered if I should've just kept quiet, but even then deep down I knew that would have been no solution. And sin has consequences, so pain was going to be part of the deal. H didn't deserve to hurt, but honestly, I did. I don't think there would have been the kind of change in my life that wa needed had there not been honesty and exposure.

I would advise every WS I encountered to come clean, face what they chose, and make no excuses. And I wouldn't advise any BS to be satsified without that.

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Skald confessed to everybody before I could even expose. He also apologized to OWH (in person) and my family without me having to ask. That's when I knew my H was back. The man I know and love always admits when he's done wrong.

It was hard for him, but he never waivered. He was scared to see OWH in person, but he said he deserved it if he got shot. He cried when he apologized to my parents.

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Wow! You all are lucky. All I get is blame and lies. It is good to know that there are some remorseful people in the world though. It gives me a flicker of hope; not for my H but in general.


Married 11/21/03
BW 40 (me)
WS 37
DD-14
DS-10
H went to Iraq 1/7/09-10/5/09
D-Day 10/29/09
Got the D papers 11/21/09 (Our 6th Anniversary)
Not giving up! Still on Plan A
I can only get stronger!
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J was reluctant or me to confess. Didn't want to tell OMW or friends and family. I think reading here helped understand that it would work in his favour

I was keen to fess up to everyone anyway. In part because I wanted some support for our M. I wanted people to be watching me - I knew I was still very vulnerable.

J was adamant he didn't want me to tell his mum and dad, but did 8 months later when he was explaining that he was moving out due to his very AO. They live miles away and we don' see them very often.

Fessing up was liberating - accountabiltity is a wonderful thing.

I felt very able to deal with anything coming, knwoing that everyone knew what we were up against.


J had NO requirements of me - he even thought I could continue going to band with OM initially.

I think because I came here before I ended the A and had read up, I knew what I had to do because I had asked - I didn't have someone telling me (ie BH) what I should do. I think i would have found it harder to confess to people if I felt I was doing it because he required it.

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One requirement that I had was a long talk and an apology to our children and another was an apology to my mother and grandfather. My grandfather said that Ike was not welcome in his home (the fact that Ike left was bad enough, but leaving when I was pregnant was even worse. He's old school, ya know) and Ike had to make that right.

There were other, typical requirements (NC, passwords, etc), but these were just two of my personal ones.


You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

The person who is always finding fault seldom finds anything else.

I pity the fool. - Mr. T
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After D-Day, H apologized to me, to OWH, to military commander and his subordinate staff. 15 months later, in Nov, he broke NC, contacting OW via email and phone for a 10 day period. Since then, he apologized to me (again), to OWH (again) and to some family members. This topic is on the list of things for H to do to return to the M, one of two things on the list he has not yet fully completed.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Has any other BS made this a requirement to recovery?




Yes, apologies were on my requirements for recovery list.

Apologies to:

me
our children
my parents
his cousin who confronted him multiple times and who was completely in the corner of our marriage
some close friends who confronted him (actually tst added this to the list along with a few others)


The most important one other then to me, was to our children.


Happily married to HerPapaBear



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Thanks for each and every response.
I appreciate it very much.

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Thanks guys. I appreciate every response.

Follow up question:

What do you think is going on when the WS expresses a desire & a willingness to confess to friends/family, but is told by the betrayed spouse NOT TO ???.... Told not to confess/apologize because "It's too humiliating."


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What thread are we supposed to comment on? laugh Since SAA forum gets more traffic, I'm going to cut and paste my reponse here:

H didn't have much chance to confess since I exposed but he did step up in other ways which honestly surprised me.

1 - H apologized to BH without any prompting from me or others. I doubt the apology was perfect but his willingness to face the man and extend an apology was more than I thought he'd do.

2 - H faced our parents/children and apologized.

3 - H apologized to Tramp-o-lean. I feel a mix of emotions on this one. On one hand, I don't think he owes her crap but on the other I was happy to see that he recognized he used her and was wrong for it.

On Dday, I told H to get out. If he had not faced what he had done, I would never have given him another chance no matter what he said.

As for a BS telling a WS not to confess or going along with the WS's "logic" of why not to confess, it is primarily for embarrassment IMO. Could also be the fears the BS plays out in her head so she convinces herself it is for the best. IMO it will only eat at the BS and build more resentment.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Mine refused to even acknowlege the affair, even when confronted with the evidence of both BS.

She went straight to D after abandoning me to cover up the whole deal when OM dumped her immediately.

I'll never get a confession or apology.

The only recourse I can hope for is I meet up with her in Hell.


I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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I might as well tell you what I am trying to work out with these questions.

If a wayward said they would not confess to friends/family because "It is too humiliating." ... the forum would be all over that person's case.
Is it the same risky business if it is the betrayed speaking?

The way I try to approach MB is by identifying the underlying principle behind every decision. I'm somewhat perplexed about this.

Is confession/apology not just good for the soul, but good for the marriage recovery as well?

To me this is very "9th Step"...
Quote
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

I recognize this is not MB-speak , but The Steps work for me as underlying guideposts for life in general. I am trying to figue out if I am wrong about something.

Again, thanks.



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Pep,

I suspect this is rolling around in your brain due to HBH's thread?

As I posted to her, it is my belief that in order to truly experience the best R possible that the BS needs the help and support of family and friends. As I told HBH and BR mentioned as well, I think if you hide the wayturds dirty little secret, even if you convince yourself you are doing it for yourself and not them, it will breed resentment in the long run. There will be points in time when the BS will feel uncomfortable around friends and family due to subject matter of discussions but will nobody will know. There will times when the BS will have to either outright lie or severely bend the truth around family or friends to keep them from knowing. I strongly believe that this will cause resentment and anger which quite naturally will be directed at the WS even if they were willing to fess up to the world.

Bottom line, the marriage may survive without telling loved ones but I think it's an additional risk to take on to not do so.

My .02 cents which in cyberspace is worth even less!

Mindshare

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I don't think you are wrong here. A great life lesson can be learned...doesn't matter the circumstance.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Thanks mindshare.
Do you think this is part of a power struggle?
A permanent "got'cha" ?

At worst, I think it is an intentional way to avoid recovery.
It certainly shows some of the inner dynamics. think


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Pep,

I tend to agree with you. A BS who asks WS to not apologize can interfere with personal growth of the WS and I think this personal growth is necessary. Maybe, though, if there are people who had not been informed at D-day, confession/apology to them might be more harmful to the BS.

As a note, I don't think this is something the BS can push. It has to come from the WS. In my case, H has not talked to everyone he needs to. I am watching and waiting as his willingness to do this is an indicator to me of his commitment to the M.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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