Okay, I know I'm not a part of this conversation, but this bothered the nurse in me. I think you may have your medical information wrong here. Vasectomies do not have any effect on a man's libido nor his ability to perform sexually. Prostate surgery definitely does, but it is a completely and totally different procedure from a vasectomy.

I am simply repeating the observed facts from tracing of prostatectomy patients by Johns Hopkins: libido is lowered.
The same is true of hysterectomy patients.

The reason that I mentioned a prostatectomy having something like a vasectomy as part of the procedure, is that the vas deferens is divided, so sperm is still produced, but has no place to go.

Regardless of what causes the decreased libido in post-op prostatectomies and hysterectomies, there is decreased libido in both. Yet there are men and women who have had these procedures and still enjoy sexual relations. Many women do so without hormone treatment. Many men do so without any hormone treatment or the any use of Viagra, Cialis or anything else. My conclusion is that, if they can do so, why can't others do so? I think a lot of the physical ability is there, but the attitude is lacking.

Sorry, the way I read it, I thought you were insinuating that a vasectomy could cause impotence or decreased libido.

Maybe their is a mindset that guys have that they are shooting blanks, so the danger and/or potency issue takes away from thier manliness? Just an opinion. I had a vasectomy and there were no physical symptoms. A little bit of worry about not having a loaded pistol sometimes though. I don't regret the vasectomy tho it was the right choice after 4 kids.

Ok before I starta T/J

This thread asks a general question about 59-year-old women. There is no answer for what any 59-year-old woman should feel or do, much less a general answer for all women her age.
The man asking the question gave us very little background on her.

There is general observation / theory that I would like to bring up. The less a woman engages in sexual activity, the less she seems to need to do so.

Also, the generalization that men need sexual relations to feel loved also applies to women. I firmly believe that the bonding necessary for a strong marriage requires an ongoing and regular sexual relationship. That bonding goes both ways.

A woman who has been widowed or divorced for years, without any sort of serious love interest in another man since then, has likely just had her sex drive fade away. She doesn't think about it. And she isn't going to think about it until she starts doing something about it.

I'll guess I'll be the lone voice and say that there should be ZERO sexual activity in a dating relationship. Save it for marriage. Even if you've been around.

I would think a 59 year old woman would strongly resent a man who expects sexual activity before marriage, but maybe she feels like she can't get anything else.

I don't disagree with that, markos.

Many divorced or widowed middle-aged women will tell you that "dating" for them meant sleeping around, until the novelty wore off and they woke up.

This really applies to anyone, but most of us didn't learn that lesson until after we were married and had some age on us. To do that, and still know what each other thinks about sex and what they want in terms of a marriage would require a high degree of Conversation with Openness and Honesty. Boy, how many problems would practicing that before marriage solve! It requires men and women examining their attitudes towards sex and deciding if they are willing to make the changes necessary to compromise and meet each other's legitimate needs.

A Pastor in my church says that if two people, at any age are considering marriage, and there is ANY subject they can not discuss openly, they are not ready for marriage.

ITA on that. There is to many surprises to deal with to be shy about what we know we should deal with up front

Sounds like at least three of us are in agreement that jungian needs to get to know his girlfriend a little better - better than most people do, with some O&H conversation. She needs to know how important SF is to him as part of marriage. That means he has to discuss MARRIAGE, not just SF, in order to learn her feelings on this vital subject.

In our 50s I hope that our primary Ens are not SF but then I WISH it were mine now LOL.
Never know, Ok well SF was important to me, which is why it hurt so much when I got cheated on. When young 8 hours of on and off again sex with very little sleep was common when possible. Then when work load was high and/or time and opportunity was not available of course that slowed things down.
There were times in 40s where we went 4 hrs but those were few and far between and fueled by trying to prove something mostly during separation and totally not what I would consider lovemaking at its finast.

I can remember the most precious times and they were not "hysterical bonding" but were very passionate without fear being involved.
Right now there is nobody in my life and I am niether ready nor seeking someone to be that close to. I don't know if I ever will. Its a great responsibility to bring someone that close to you pysically, something I had not allways respected earlier in life but now it makes total sense how important we should take that action. It brings life into the world by its initiation. Doesn't it make sense that its a drive we must respect and acknowledge in our adult relationships and that God wants to help us?

The most important word in your question is "healthy". If you're both healthy, the chances are good you both will still have desire and performance. But it's by no means a guarantee, even if you meet the general label "healthy", and are in love, and all that. No matter how much you find out about your girlfriend at an earlier age, you cannot predict with any reasonable certainty what may happen with sexual desire decades hence.

By the age of 59, menopause is inevitable, and for the majority of women it more or less reduces the sex drive. But still, a minority of women report an increase in their sex drive at this point. Of course, men vary a lot too at 56, and even healthy men may have reduced interest, ED, or other problems, while others will have no need for Viagra at all.

I chose my wife because she had a high sex drive when I married her in her early 20's. I could not reasonably have predicted that we would end up in our 50's with her sexual desire having dropped to absolute zero, with my desire and performance being about the same as it was when I was a teenager.

Unfortunately, I think it's probably a mathematical reality that a good libido match throughout a long marriage is uncommon for the simple reason that there are so many things that have to go just right for both partners for many years to maintain a good match. Rather, the mark of a good marriage is probably how you meet the challenge of a mismatch. That's certainly something I've had to deal with in spades. When I got married, I was sure it was the least of my worries, because I knew how important it was to find a partner who was a match in that regard. We talked about it a lot too. But we just couldn't have known how we would both change, or not, over 3 decades.

DrySpell, a lot of things young people never thought could happen, will happen to a lot of them.

Once you get into your 50s, you don't need a crystal ball. Both man and woman should know how they feel like doing, what they are capable of doing, and how they got where they are. We all have the advantage over youth of being able to look back and see smart choices, mistakes made, good luck and bad luck, and lessons learned. We should be more able to talk frankly because we know the value of that.

Indeed, which is why a lot of people go through their mid-life crisis at this point. They suddenly realize how unrealistic their youthful goals were.

I would rephrase that to say that they realize how unrealistic it is to expect to attain their youthful goals. Or how little time they have left to try. I don't see it as depressing to realize you could never have achieved the goal. What is depressing is to realize that you could have done it before, but now you can't (or the odds of success have gone way down). Hence the desperate desire to give it one last try before it is literally too late.

People can do a lot more at any age than they think they can do. That is what my post above is about: men who have had prostate surgery and women who have had hysterectomies, but have a better sex life than their friend who are more easily aroused, have more physical sensations, and are younger. It is attitude.

I can look back and be angry with myself for all the things I hoped to accomplish in the last 10 years. Someone who is 50 can look back to when he was 40. That is only good if you use it for a launching pad to move forward and do something for yourself now, today, and tomorrow morning.

A lot of people make themselves miserable because the dreams of their twenties didn't work out.

"I thought we'd have a house in so-and-so neighborhood by now."
"I thought you'd be company president by now."
"I thought we'd have a beach house by now."
"I hoped we'd be retired by now."

"Stop talking like that. We're too old for sex."

Happy, successful people adjust their dreams to fit changes in the world around them.

If a man thinks sex is just something physical for himself, he might wish he had explored more of the affectionate dimension of love, if he suddenly becomes sexually incapacitated by illness or injury.

A woman who wishes her husband had less interest in her might not like it when her wish is granted and he has no interest in her. She'll find that doing more housework and cooking won't make up for zero SF.

At some point, we are all going to be at these points in life, temporarily, or permanently. The sooner you realize that and broaden you concept of loving, the less disappointed you'll be.

Ah Sex is overrated in relationships IMO. It happens when it happens. There is so much more to share as adults that has allways been more preciuos.
If you are that close then sex will happen or not but it won't be a big deal. Fidelity is the issue

Sorted,

SF is obviously not your top need, and perhaps not in your top 5.

It is mine, and I find it hard to feel truly loved by my H without it.

Also... I don't think I ever told you, but... I'm terribly sorry for your loss.

Thanks telly
accually Sex is one of my top things. Just not now. If I could havehad sex evry half hour i would have and stillwould if I had someone to write to I think there is still leadin the pencil lol.
I have had good sex and I have had bad sex with thesame person many times. Itsabout the mood and the closness and not just the action to me.

So what I was saying is. If I cantrust a woman with my heart and the emotional needs of support and trust, and we are lying next to each other sharing thoughts, or experiencing a good time like a movie, play, diner and conversation, and the mood strikes her or I and we click, Then sex could happen. I am just not going to put it on a list.

She ca't fool me, any women I would get along with probably wants sex too. I would knowthat and weigh the situation before I considered a lon term relationship.

Which is what the question was huh?

Sometimes and at some age I don't think it wil matter, at least thats my hope for when i can't write anymore

I agree with this too

The irony of your statement jumps out at me, especially in my personal situation. Fidelity, or having no sex outside the marriage, is the issue, while sex within the marriage is not an issue? It doesn't seem consistent.

My point is that this a sore point for high-desire people with low/no-desire partners. They can hear for years and years that sex IS NOT A BIG DEAL. Then, when they stray out of frustration, they hear the same partner yelling at them that the sex they had with someone else WAS A BIG DEAL.