Prayerful, it is not being a failure to seek medical help when you are going through such trauma. The episode you had on Saturday is a dangerous one and you don't want to repeat it. Antidepressants can take several weeks to kick in. I took them for six months . It got me through the worst of it. It also made me feel so much better to talk to my doctor. It surprised me how many cases of infidelity caused depression that he had treated. You have too much responsibility in your life right now besides this devastating betrayal.

At my first counseling session, I told our counselor that WH was my best friend and he replied, "Not right now he isn't. Best friends do not betray you." That was honestly the first time that I realized that WH really, really was not DH and I could not treat him the same. Don't push him away but do not rely on him to save you or bring you up. As hard as the reality is, YOU CANNOT TRUST HIM!!! You must learn to rely on yourself.

God's blessings,

Say

I have been in your shoes. My H left me for the OW who was 21yrs younger than him and we had ben married for over 20yrs. I never saw it coming. I was destroyed. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die. I went through h--l. But as the days passed and the weeks passed I got better and I went to a counselor who is great. Collect all your friends around you, they will support you and help you. Ask around about a counselor and get one NOW! Take care of you! Get your hair done, your nails done, buy a new outfit and get a massage.

Pray to God to make you stronger. Pray to him for what you want and believe it. Pray that WH has great difficulties that makes it hard for him to continue on in his affair. But mainly pray for yourself. Prayer was a great help to me.

As time goes on you will have days whereyou will cry and days where you feel great and feel like you could take on the world. Just give time, time. It is hard and I know that you do not deserve what happened to you. Come here and write your little heart out, we will be here and we will listen. Even start a journal and write in there and scream your thoughts out in there too. I did, it was very therapeutic and I could put down all my thoughts there and be very ugly there.

Keep coming here for support.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, just had to scream and the kids are up so can't really do it. I am trying to show him a wife and woman that he wants to be home with, but it is hard as HELL!!!!!! He came over today and got the kids on and off the bus and stayed at the house until I got home. The second I walk in the door her puts his shoes on and leaves. He says he needs to go back and eat dinner. How do I show him who I am trying to be if he won't stay around me but a couple of seconds each time. I tried calling him during the day just to say hi and talk for a few seconds. He did, but seemed disinterested in anything that I had to say. I screwed up last night when I said something stupid. Actually, what I meant to say wasn't stupid, just how I worded it was stupid.

I contacted his parents tonight expressing my frustration with not being able to get him to talk to me at all. I asked my WH about the OW trying to find out who she is, but he doesn't say anything about her to me. What do I do and how do I stop living in this madness. Quite honestly, I hope his father and/or his sister contact him tonight and reek havoc on him over the situation. I want to work on this, but I can't if he isn't willing. I am trying to do the plan A stuff and have thought of a couple of people that we know to maybe contact and share with them the situation, but I am struggling to do that because I don't want to make him mad and send him further away. (Not that he could be much further away!)

I am working on trying to be the woman he would want to come home to and am reading the Love Dare book and trying to follow it along with looking at the plan A stuff and trying it. Frustrating!!!!! Need to yell, but can't!!!!!!! LOST, LOST, LOST, LOST, LOST!!!!! OK, must go get the kids around for bed and school tomorrow.

Keep trying to work on plan A for as long as you can take it then go into a dark plan B. I did a plan A for a month then 2 weeks after my H left me I went into a form of plan B. Then I found MB. After a while I had to go into a dark plan B. That got my H's attention more than anything else did. Everyone here supported me and helped me a whole lot. MB was a lifesaver for me. It helped to research everything I could on affairs. It made me feel better.

Prayerful, no matter what you say to your WH, you did not screw up, he did. Please remember that. Don't defend your actions or your words. He is the one who needs to fix himself not you. You can show him what life can be like if he returns and is the only thing you can do for now. Take care of yourself and improve yourself but don't make yourself over for him because thn you will someone else and not you.

Keep praying.

There are a lot of things about myself that I do need to change. I was an unhappy person and didn't really like myself. I had many times that I had considered hurting myself. Most of the time it was related to my mother and I fighting and her telling me about how overweight I was and how if I really wanted to lose weight I would. Well, it turned out to be medical and until I got on medication, I was unable to lose weight. I had lost 40 lbs before all this and have lost probably about another 15 lbs in the last month. Eating is such a hard thing and when I do eat, I tend to throw everything up.

I am changing for me and my children as well as him. I yelled a lot and was always angry. Part of it was secrets I was holding in, part of it was low self esteem, and part of it is my job. I work with children and adults with special needs and would get agitated with some of their behaviors and would come home and take out frustrations on my children instead of yelling or exercising them out.

Last night I made a snotty comment of "It sounds like you aren't interested in what I am saying" instead of saying "It sounds like you are busy". I have a tendency to say things in an ugly way instead of saying the same thing in a non-bitchy way! That is one thing I don't like about me and I sure he doesn't like either.

I am VERY glad that I have found this site. It is a great place to vent and get ideas.

Prayers still going up for you and your family.

You need to find out who the OW is, and not by asking hubby. You need to spy. Check his phone records. Usually the OW is someone at work or someone seen daily. He may have mentioned her in passing.

I constantly check the cell phone records and that is all I have access to. There are no phone numbers on there that I don't know. He has lots of texts and our plan does not allow me to see who the texts are from because we don't have the right type of phone. He works at a fire station and the women that are there are not interested in him (if you know what I mean) and I know them. He told me he met her online and I am pretty sure that that is true. Since he is not living here, I can't check his computer.

I talked with his family tonight. His parents talked with his sister tonight and told her what is going on. She wanted to make sure that I knew her contact information and wants me to call her. She went through something similar, I guess. I didn't know that. He has to go up there next Saturday and I know his family is going to confront him. I have talked to them more in the last week than in the 16 years that we have been married. His mom actually told me that she loved ME! Which she has never done before. Wow!! Amazing how in a crisis you learn things about people. Never knew my MIL, FIL, and SIL would actually be there for me. Always thought that they didn't like me and that they would be happy if I was gone.

Prayerful, I really think you need to go to IC to help you. It has helped me. I even have an appointment to see my counselor tomorrow. She is fantastic. She has helped me a lot. A good counselor can really help you. Right now you need to concentrate on you. I know it is hard to do with everything that is racing through your mind but you need to. It would probably help to be on some kind of antidepressant too.

Praying for you.

Thanks. I will try to investigate this possibility. My IL's told me I need to start trying to seek some MC on my own. I don't know. It's hard not to look at this in a negative way. I know it's not, but that is how I feel. One week until he has to face his family at their place. Have to trust that God has a plan and that I need to believe and have faith.

It's always hard not to see the positive when WH does something nice. Tonight was the first time that he did not run out of the house as soon as I got home. He actually stood in the kitchen with me and talked for about 10 minutes. Should I see that as a positive sign?

I have been working the fireproof Love Dare series for the last few days and today I was supposed to ask him for three things that made him uncomfortable or irritable with me. I wrote it in a note since he has not been talking with me much lately and told him it was on the counter. He responded with only one thing that irritated him or made him uncomfortable. He stated that he was bothered by how I let my mom control my life in the past and still do. It is correct that she has played a major role in who I am, my life, and trying to constantly control every aspect of my life. I can't deny it. I was considering asking him how he thought she was controlling my life now and what I need to do to show him that it is not true. I have been standing up to her lately but he can't/doesn't see it. If that is the big thing that is causing us to not work on the marriage, I will do it because not only will it make him happy, but I know it will make ME happy. Should I do it? Should I take the things that happened tonight as a sign? Should I call him tonight when he is at "her" place or on his way to work/at work tomorrow? Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks!!!!

Yes and no... one of the real secrets to keeping your sanity through this process is to NOT REACT... either way... good signs or bad signs....
Here's why.. your WH is very unstable emotionally right now... YOU CANNOT join him on his roller-coaster ride (as we like to call it) and recover your marriage... One of you has to remain sane.

So... is this a good sign... of course... BUT... Don't react to it...don't "Hang your hat" on it...because this is a LONG journey it took a LONG time to get you guys to this place... and it will take a fair amount of time to get you back to where you were when you got married (actually many have said after what they learned here... there marriage was BETTER than before) Stick to the plan....don't deviate.

Here's a very good strategy most use...

EXPECT THE BEST.... PREPARE FOR THE WORST
As good as today feels... I'm here to tell you he could do or say something horrible tomorrow...
The classic line is (if you haven't heard it already... expect to)

"I love you... but... I'm not IN live with you"
It's a smoke screen... as hard as it is to believe...it means NOTHING...They almost ALL say it...

So... the good means nothing... and the bad means nothing... PERMANENT... The best you can expect is two steps forward and one step back...BUT... this is progress.

Your WH is lost... leave little pieces of bread along the path to help him find his way home....DON'T PUSH DON'T PLEAD.... DON'T USE GUILT...
I think it's excellent you are finding out what HIS needs are...that's the key... FILL THE NEEDS YOU ALREADY DO... and then... FILL THE NEEDS OW does.. and he most likely will want to come home...
It takes time... in the beginning he won't trust the changes you are making and won't want to give up his "sure thing"
But... in time.. he will find you irresistible again....

DON'T WORRY...TRUST GOD... AND BELIEVE.... WITH HIM YOU CAN DO THIS...YOU CAN DO THIS... YOU CAN DO THIS....YOU CAN!!

GOoD Luck and Prayers Frank


P.S.About calling him at OWs... LOL... I used to LOVE calling (when I had a reason) and hoping OM would answer... then I'd say... "Put MY WIFE on the phone" It really made him mad and he started pushing her to make a decision... Something... I WASN'T doing... LOL... he blew up pretty good..LOL

.

Have the courage to take the long rocky road ahead of you. As you work on you, there is smoother pavement ahead down the road of life.

I do strongly recommend therapy. Try your local MHMR. You are depressed. I am no MD, so all I can do is recommend that you seek antidepressants if an MC thinks you need them.

Larry

Started checking into counseling for myself/marriage (if he would agree to come to help me or our marriage) after talking for over and hour with my SIL (which is a shock if you knew our relationship in the past). SIL told me about her situation with her and her husband, which I/we knew nothing about and the fact that they were able to fix/save their marriage. I encouraged her to tell WH about her experience because right now the only people that he is talking with did not fix/save their marriage. I think it would be good from him to hear it from her and her H about the fact that they could/did fix/save their marriage. Don't know?

The phrase that I have used about myself is that I am an optimistic realist. I see possibility, but know that things may not work out.

The only number I have for my WH is his cell phone. I text him and call him on it and he will always call back or answer. I am starting to think that something may be going on because when he left the texts and the picture mail decreased to nothing and just recently I noticed that the texts have significantly increased and so has the picture mail. This started to increase when I started working on changing me through the Love Dare and Plan A. Here's hoping, trusting in God, and praying.

Our pastor asked me if I thought it would help or hurt for him to call and check on my WH. I told him that I didn't know if it would help or hurt, but if he did it out of support and not attack, that maybe it would help. He did call and leave a message, but WH was in a meeting so couldn't answer. WH told me about the message and didn't seem upset about it. Said he didn't call him back because didn't have time in his schedule. I told the Pastor that if he didn't hear back from him in a few days, he might call WH again since he did tell me about the phone call. Don't know??

I have heard the phrase kindof that you mentioned, but it was more like "I will always have love for you because you are the mother of my children." Each time he or I use me/my type of wording I correct both of us and say, no they are our children or it is our house. I am trying to make sure that the language does not separate us any more than it all ready has.

He actually stayed and talked with ME last night for about 10 minutes instead of running out the door the second I got home. After talking with SIL last night for over an hour (shock), found out that her and her husband had a similar situation. I encouraged her to talk with him about it since everyone that he is talking to now did not try and did not succeed in fixing their marriage. I, as much as he, needs to hear from people that were able to fix their marriage instead of man-haters or marriage-haters or negative people.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. Will enjoy the positive signs but keep the negative possibilities in mind as well.

I do have the courage to take this long rocky road ahead of me and that's why I am fighting so hard for the marriage that I believe in. I am seeking the possibility of therapy, made contact with a place this morning about it. I know I am depressed, but hate admitting it and taking meds for it. I fought taking meds for my weight problem which also included a pre-diabetic condition, but have done that successfully. Lost 40 lbs before this and (even though have not weighed myself recently) probably lost about another 15 lbs since. All my clothes are falling off! (Want to celebrate, but don't like how it came to be) Looking for the smoother pavement, but can't quite see the light yet.

On a positive, I have a better relationship with his family than I have ever had before!! They are on the side of our marriage and our children!! He has to face them next Saturday!!

You really need to fight this from OW's side.
You need to expose this as an affair to her friends and family.
Let everyone in her world know that she is a homewrecker.

Does he use the computer at your home when he's there for the kids? Put a keylogger on it.

Put a GPS on his vehicle so you can track him to OW's...

It's really amazing how when you start to lose faith, God comes through and slaps you in the face!! I was just about to call me WH tonight while he was at the station. I had completely started to lose it and was crying unstoppable and was ready to call and say that I needed him to come home and be with me. That I was at a place where I was not able to care for myself and our kids. I was going to admit that I had contacted a counselor and was going to start counseling on my own, but I needed him here for support because I was struggling soooo much.

As I was crying, a phone call came in to the house. It was from an application that he had put in for an extra job and he had put our number on the application. The lady said that she doesn't normally work on the weekends (and this was 7:30pm on a Saturday evening) but she was needing to get interviews scheduled and get things established by Friday. The fact that he put our number on the application and she called tonight kept me from making that call to him. In my mind, this was God's way of saying to stay the course, to continue to have faith and believe, and that the phone call would have been a huge mistake in repairing our marriage.

Wake up call from God!!! Got to take it seriously. I also was at church and found a prayer book sitting around that had been dug out when people were cleaning things up. I grabbed it to copy the prayers that I needed to keep in mind. I am going to post them on my mirror so that every morning when I get up I can find the one that I feel is most appropriate for the day and say it as many times as I need. I am going to share a couple of them with his family to also pray. Here is the one that I feel I need to say tonight:

Dear Father in heaven, I come before Your throne of grace in behalf of my WH, who is absent from the family circle. I know You are present everywhere; I know that You also are present where he is now living. But I would pray You today, to let WH feel Your sustaining presence while in strange surroundings. Protect him when harm and danger threaten body and soul; be close to him in every temptation. Let Your Word be a lamp to his feet and ligth to his path. Increase his faith and trust in You and in Jesus Christ, our blessed Savior, in whom we have forgiveness of sins.

Though we are far from one another in the body, keep us close to one another in spirit and united by a common faith in You.

At the appointed time grant us a happy reunion with WH in our family circle, and may every member of our family have a place in the company of the saints in glory everlasting.
Hear my prayer for Jesus' sake. Amen.


Hard to have faith, but he obviously wants me to be patient and he is working in my WH. I did make contact with a counselor today. He gave me some contacts in case of an emergency but also said that I can contact him if I need anything this weekend. He gave me information about contacting my insurance and his costs if I can't use insurance. I wish he took insurance because I really liked the way he talked with me, but he said that he had some great referrals if I can use insurance. I need to get something, because I have finally decided that after tonight, I probably need to get on some medication. My mental health is seriously at risk and so I don't do something stupid while trying to work on the marriage because of these horrible depression times, it would not be a bad thing.

Thanks for all your thoughts, prayers, words of encouragement, and advice.

I am going through a similar situation with many more months ahead of you. Trust me. Listen to the people on this site. Read the articles on the website, read the books and do what they say.

Expose the affair to every friend, family member, everyone. Don't worry about the backlash from husband. He will get over it.

My personal suggestion, ask your dr. for a very mild prescription for anxiety. Tell him what you are going through. I did this and it has helped me control my emotions, anger and resentment which are love busters that push husband farther away.

God bless.

The boards are a little slow on the weekends so don't worry... They aren't forgetting you...people will be back on Monday...
LOL... don't we know.. it's amazing...we call it the "Infidelity Diet" I lost FORTY POUNDS in 3 months and I weighed under 200 LBS when it all started... strange phenomenon.. a chemical thing is my guess.

I think it was good that you heard the wake-up call from God...It wouldn't help at all to beg, plead, or add to his guilt (yes,,, somewhere in there there is guilt)
Talking to an IC is a good idea too...but make sure he understands your commitment to saving your marriage before you hire him.

I wouldn't have the pastor wait.. have him stay on this... time is an enemy.. the longer he's away.. the harder it will be for him to come home... He will figure that he's come this far...you know...
Lexxxy is right.. you need to find out who the OW is and expose it to her people (her husband maybe??)
An affair loses a LOT of steam once it hits the light of day....

BTW... unless I missed it.. How long have you been married? How many and how old are your children?
You should figure out the "signature" thing on here so whenever people read your posts you won't have to answer the same questions over and over....
Something like this:
Me BS 39
WH 42
DS 15
DS 12
DD 7
D-day 2/2/2010
WH left home
2/3/2010
living with OW...

Something like that...

Great prayer BTW...
GOoD Luck and Prayers Frank



.

Thank you for your words of encouragement. Knowing there are others out there, some with positive results, some with negative results, and others where I am at, has been great comfort. It is definitely easier to talk to people you don't know and going through something similar about things because it eases the embarrassment. Personally trying to seek counseling and/or medication as I am finally feeling that I am to the point I need it. Still have to get over the thoughts that relying on those things is a crutch or failure, but working on that. Thanks. I will keep your situation in my prayers and thoughts also