I am just reading all your threads here, it is exactly what my H is saying to me at the moment. I told him stop going or via Bangkok, he just old me that he will not be controlled by me, it is his job and he can go whereever he needs to go. Altough the situation that the WHs are different, it seems they all have very similar behaviours.

"I will not be controlled by you"

ROOOAR I AM A MAN AND YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME RAOOOORRR

As I said before, it is the horny (sometimes old) men penis brain that rules. Otherwise how come all these similarities without discrimination of education and finances, looks etc...?
When they think below the belt there is no thinking...and they are gone, just gone. You can wait and hope, but something broke and rarely it gets fixed, sometimes it does, but it takes great effort.
blessing

This is interesting. My husband is 53 this year, he is also so cold toward me and my son while he is so involved in his A, saying the massage woman is so honorable (she is sacrificing for her family, etc) and fragil (she says her family has suicidal history). My H was a nice and warm man before, now turns into this cold monstor that nobody recognises. I wonder somewrong in his head.

Yes, something is wrong in their head for sure. Everybody sees it but them. It is like someone talking to himself, everybody notices and says "ehi look that guy is talking to himself" he does not know he is but others do notice.
WS are that way they are acting so out there....but they are the only ones who do not see it.
There is nothing to do really. I m convince they are engaged into a spiral that brings them right into hell (literally).
Don't have him drag you.
blessing

Atena, What is your suggestion for me? I have a thread on what should I do now, I would appreacaite it if you can help. I have read most of the LLL's thread today, and I felt I could do the same as her, I have very similar situations as hers, though H is involved with a massage girl who he only met once, and my H is a totally different man now.
Thanks.

I wonder myself why ppl cheat. Some Men seem to want to be both the maddman loverboy "me Tarzan, you Jane" sex machines and the most trusted patriarch type like Steve Douglas from My Three Sons at the same time. It might be a drive that they supress because they know better but I think the "studly" attitude exists inside most testostrezone equipped men.

Women have allways been said to require attention from more than one source, I am a guy so I can't answer 1st hand whether that is hormonal from estrogen or not but I think its important that they are more sensitive to outside influences.
I am a Fan of women and their ability to multi-task and truthfully, I am someone who was allways told to slow down and not "work so hard" and I see women work harder than most men. They seem to be more aware of everything from peoples opinions/social status to others emotional needs and states of mind. Enviroment has great influence for females opposed to a lot of men who would rather be taken care of.

But this is about cheating and why so.. Why?

I believe Men have this need to be the center of the universe and when it gets out of control because their ego gets damaged, Age, loss of a job, health,sexual vitality,(ED), loss of authority, they seek someone to dominate that makes them feel better. Its rather a childish reaction and they hide thier fear of "impotance", whether the impotance comes from realizing they are mortal and are going to die some day or maybe some life event that shakes their security. So they find someone who they can believe loves them for who they are inside instead of accepting whatever is happening in their life. I call it childish because its a way to revert back to that part of us that needs comforting in the "superego" which wants to believe that the world revolves around us and our feelings. So its an escape and the new "wild and free" sexual activity or emotional bond they make is somehow going to " make it all go away mommy" They run and hide from the very things that would enrich their appreciation of lifes temporary highs and lows. The loss of power, influence, physical vitality, along with the dreams of youth that don't allways come true.

Now for women? Well as Men seem to believe they are supposed to be the center of the universe and KIng Kong women need to believe they are loved and accepted by the kingdom. If they respect their Husband and who he is and trust that he loves her and will protect her above all else I believe most women will give themselves wholeheartly just to thier Husband. Because women are more sensitive to enviroment and the opinions of others they are allways in a place of comparison, or should I say a choice, of what is safe for her. Is her husband someone who makes her feel safe? Is she accepted in her community and/or does her husband compare well to what is at this time what she wants in her life? Is Hubby embarassing or flattering to have around and what has he done to show me he loves me anyway lately?
I will admit us guys are sometimes so obliviuos and our wives need to clue us in. We are bulls in the china shops and sometimes get so lazy that we need a cattle prod to get a clue. If a women feels that her Husband is not excited and happy about loving her it will eventually wear her down and cause her to seek a way to feel loved, or a way to deny that she hurts this way. If Hubby dismisses these feelings with her as being silly it only makes the fear go underground and maybe she seeks solice in whatever she can find untill it just comes out another way. Now if hubby recognizes and validates her feelings he might not be able to help her in all of them, but at least he allows her to be human and remains connected to her emotionally.

I can't understand how a Man who calls himslf a man or does not see that his wifes sensitive nature that IS more in tune than his is really in touch with what makes the union strong or how priveledged he is to be in her life . The husbands #1 job is to be willing to die for his wife and children to protect them. That means losing everything if nessesary to do so. His comfy job and carreer expectations, his man about town reputation if that was important, his screwy friends and/or relatives if they threaten the moral character of his home. He lays down his life, not just flesh and blood life, but the concepts and frail towers of temporal power he carrys around if it gets between him and his women. He is to work shoveling ditches even if he is a colledge grad in order to provide shelter if need be and to do it with a glad heart because he is priveledged to have a family.

So what happens to women whos Hubby fits that criteria and stray anyway? My guess is that they just let their emotional need to be in the perfect love, all consuming, passionate and hidden from the prying eyes of the world is a release from the fears of how the world judges them. Even if a guy is doing all he possibly can for them they seek more and a freedom that is not present in their marraige. It might be a realistic freedom that is not there because of poor comunication or marraige practices or it could be a selfish desire that is childish in nature. But its an emotional abandon that they run to because they don't attack the problem head on when they cheat. They could just ask for a divorce instaed of cheating and then go out and find someone new if they wanted to and at least give the spouse a chance to change but that would mean work.
Cheating is the lazy way out and appears to be out of our control for both the men and women who are lost in their emotions. They are afraid and run. Do they run to justify some wild urges that they know are not acceptable to the rest of the world and they will not give up? Or do they run from extremly difficlt relationships they have at home with there spouse and/or family that could be worked out but they don't see how? Either way I can't see how either situation merits cheating and lieing. I also wont acknowledge that its understandable and OK considering the "circumstances". I think that any of the former waywards here will agree that their emotions were in charge of them when they strayed, not their convictions. I know we all are here because we have made mistakes or have been hurt by others and we all need to be supported. Any one of us could find ourselves in the shoes of someone else and none of us have acted perfectly. "There but for the Grace of God go I"

What about our animal nature and the drive to procreate that God instilled in us? Well that can be an arguement if you wish to revert to animal nature but then why lie? Why not men fight to the death to mate with a visually attractive women and woman submit to many men as they are the most powerful and aggresive of the two genders? So why lie? Just live like animals in the local honky tonk and to the victor go the spoils?
Its just a way to be children to me and get away with what is wrong mainly because we know its wrong and get a thrill out of it. It allways catches up to us though. We reap what we sow and the Karma Bus comes around.

JEEEZ I went on, but atena started it!!


I agree that fear is our greatest enemy and our primary motivator in life. Its what consequences we fear that determine our actions

Checking in quickly...my friend is still sleeping in this morning and the dogs are all out playing, so I'm sipping coffee and reading here.

My friend and I had a great Saturday lunching, shopping and a nice dinner out. Not a word or movement from the phantom H. He's gone underground it seems. I'm sure he's not a happy guy having his precious privacy invaded by campus gossip. Sure also OW does not like this since her goal was not to be seen as the cause of our breakup (read this in one of her intercepted emails).

About the news and media concerns, I will be careful in this arena. However, let me state that I lead pretty conventional life and have nothing unsavory fortunately (or unfortunately!) to be exposed. However, I know that things can get twisted and fabricated, so I will do what I can and talk to attorney. If media really gets to be an issue, I will seek professional help.

I don't know why people change as my H has done. I'm in awe of people here who've been able to recover from something like this. The broken trust is the biggest part to me. Before this, I would have trusted my life and everything I have to my H if I were unable to make my own decisions. The relatively quick change in him has given me pause about who to trust in the future. My sister and a few girlfriends are the only ones I trust now. I have been taught the hard way that a marriage means nothing if one of the partners suddenly opts out.

Again, you have been such an ispiration to me.
I would have kicked out H 4 years ago if I had your strenght and financial security instead of going thru his 2nd A and his abandonment of the household without a blink.
keep posting!
blessing

You are basing everything on how he is now. An alien (no pun intended) has invaded his body and you believe he will remain this alien. He may or may not. I understand your strength and your reasons for not hanging around and for your situation, you probably are making the right decision. For some of us - we believed our WH would not remain an alien. Our WH would return to us and in some cases, be a better man than before. That is the better part of recovery. Unfortunately this does not work for every situation. I'm sorry for what you are going through and sorry for your WH who chose his path instead of giving you a chance to work with him on he M.

Gg

Ladylonglegs, since you and Kristy are in similar situations, and I've read your story from start to finish, I was wondering how prevalent this kind of student-teacher pairing might be.

I found an article in a school publication that was quite similar to yours, but I don't want to post the link here unless you approve. The publication has a color hue as part of its name. The professor identified does not have H as his last initial (but you could be using it as a mask to identify professor/husband).

What I found most interesting were the comments posted in reply to the article. Amazing.

The school given is located in a large midwestern city. If you know this is not the article you referenced, and would like to see what -other- schools, administrators and students think, let me know and I'll post the link.

Fred, I think there is a slight diffrence in our situation, LLL's WH is having an affair with a student, while my stupid H is having an affair with a massage woman he only met once and sort of an emotional affair (I can not be sure there is sx or not). I suppose the situation is different. in a way my H has not done anything wrong ethically, altough I can prove he is using university fund for personal reasons. I read all LLL's thread yesterday and I can see lots of insights that help me understand my situation. Really useful. I think it would be good if LLL can give me some suggestions on exposure, I still have not done it at workplace, I have told all the family and friends though.

Kristy, my reply under your thread...

Fred, feel free to post the article you found....I'd be interested to see the responses to the news article also.....

Nothing new here. Will talk to attorney and try find out when service of divorce papers will be made. Hopefully this week.

I appreciate the response, LLL. I would never knowingly post something here that would cause harm or embarrassment to a poster here.

Read the article and comments here.

The paper apparently is getting mileage out of this story, because they followed up with another one here.

As might be expected, the response comments are all over the map.

This is true GG and sometimes ppl who climb the ladder of success are afraid to admit they stepped on anyone else in the process so they stubbornly hang onto a dumb decision and call it " part of growing" or some platitude they can afford to justify it with.
I feel more for the ones who struggle and value thier family/marriage/people more than thier egos. But we are taught we can "have it all" and flush our morals if they become to inconvienient.

Someday WH will look back and realize what he has done here LLL. If he doesn't then he will remain blind, either way you were the best women he ever had and he can only fool himself with his actions,not everyone. reguardless of his spins in the future.
He is running away and most people that are real will know it, and the ones that don't are just as foolish as he.

3L:

As I said earlier, expect WH to respond in some way.

Yes, many times they do not want you to see them sweat. But he HAS to say something to you. To make sure that he has put it back on you.

He may only ever do the Voice Mail thing, and not ever speak to you directly. That way he can be as rude as he wants, and he doesn't have to worry about flying coffee cups. Of course, it's easy to forward these VM's to your attorney for transcription. He can also be unfailing polite as well. "I asked that attorneys not get involved, but now that you have opened that door, I will have to protect myself, and I will respect your wishes to only contact you through your attorney, this is just to let you know that this will be the last time I call you..."

But I am betting that you will hear something from him before the process server gets to him. The newspaper article, and other things are going to make life less than pleasant around the old campus, and the only one he can take aim at is YOU. So, expect something. I think that your friend in his office is the one who passed the info along..... She is the only one at the school who had both sides, so she would have seemed worthy enough for the paper to go with it.

Unless, and this is even better, it leaked from higher up. And if it came from THAT route, your WH is toast. And he doesn't even know it yet. He is a walking dead man on that campus.

Oh, its going to get ugly. Your amusement factor is going to get real high watching this go down. I just hope that the emotional toll isn't too high on you. No matter what your WH gets from all this, and his actions, he is still your H of 29 years. And that will always be true. Your pain, as this progresses will ease, but there will be pain, none the less.

(((3L)))

LG

Fred ... articles you referenced show exactly how the game works in universities....here's a university president being defended by the Board of Trustee members for dating a twenty year younger faculty member who he is technically the boss of!!!

My guess is if they looked into this, this guy was dating the other woman before the marital split and the fact she was recruited back to the univ recently with a RAISE......well, draw your own conclusions....

This is how the game is played....my story with my H and a student is nothing new....

I agree.

Gg

I thought it was higher education, Do they hand out kneepads?

Funny thing, I have allways been told I was colledge material. I allways have thought that someday, when finances allowed and I had the time, how cool it would be to go back to school and rub elbows with educated people with higher standards that I could trust.
I allways suspected that was a fairy tale in my own mind and I hope that if I find my way back to school I wont be totally disapointed.