This is the best possible response he could have given you.

Take this as a positive.
He's THINKING.
Most wayturds lose their thinker while in their fog.




This is why self-care in plan A is so important.
Plan A requires self control which requires energy and mental grit.
This is why we keep asking if you are getting enough sleep, exercise, recreation.

Tonight, watch a hysterically funny movie. Laughter is required. If your WH joins in, bonus points. If not, he loses the gift of laughter, but you don't.
How about YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN ???

Tomorrow is the dreaded V-Day.
If WH disappoints you, no card, etc .... ask him to take you somewhere out in nature.
Get outdoors away from the media hype.
Whatever your particular weather conditions permit.

The process of surviving the aftermath of an A will heal your soul.



The reason your insticnts are diffrent from what Steve is directing you towards because of the anger and the betrayal. You cant help but feel like you should be your WW instead of ing him right now.
But eventually the anger will subside and if while you wait for that healing it will be too late to heal the M.
Hang in there there is a reson plan A is temporary. You will know things are starting to turn around when your H begins to particpate actively in the recovery.
I remember when I thought the day would never come and I would eventually just die from the exhaustion of having to bear the burden of this recovery. But the day did come with DH really began lifting the recovery wagon too and that was a turning point for us.
I hope he gets on board with talking with Steve it will help speed up your process.

Bad turn of events - I returned home from grocery shopping.
WS informed me that he will not be home this evening and needs to go and talk to OW. Here is the letter he gave me (oh and I am in the house while he is getting ready to leave - I am in the twilight zone) Here is the letter:

"Last week you jumped to conclusions as to where I was and what I was doing Sunday, I am going to save you some trouble this week. This afternoon I am going to see OW. We have some things to talk about. It isn't a sex thing so don't go there. I am not sure what time I will be home but I will be home.
What stands between you and i working things out is OW. I put her there so that means she is a very important part of this whole freaking mess. I know you think I should just walk away and maybe I should but I can't. My struggle is why?? I have very strong feelings for her so why would I walk away from that? Many of these feelings are the same that you and I shared years ago and we couldn't have walked away then. No one has been able to show me a good reason to walk away from my feelings.
You asked me if I have stated anything that can't be undone meaning divorce or something. The honest answer is NO I have not done anything like that and I meant what i said this morning I have no plans of having papers served to you. If dissolution is the route I choose then I will give you those myself. I owe you that. I still deeply care about you and a part of me always will which is what makes this whole thing so damn hard! You were and still are one of my best friends and the pain and hurt I have caused you is sometimes unbearable for me.
you asked me about the perfect marriage. If I want to be with someone the rest of my life to grow old with. The answer is yes I do not want to end up like ----. I am just not sure who that other person is right now. Did we have the perfect marriage before. NO do I want to back to that? NO. Although a part of me sometimes does just to feel normal again but it would be living a lie! As you said we deserve better than that. Do I know what I have with Amy? again No I don't. All I know is my feelings right now but is that what you should base life on? I don't know.
I honestly never knew how much you cared. Why you did not leave me right New years eve is beyond me. Life would have been much easier for me at least. I was always confident in my decision until you did not leave.
I know this is hard to read and probably very painful but it is where I am at right now! Fro that I apologize. I have never been good with expressing my feelings so it is easier for me to put them on paper. Again I am sorry.
So what does this mean for mean and you? You tell me! Based on feelings alone I say its over, but is that the right decision?????

Now tell me what to do....
I am in tears......

My SIL came over and sat with me for a couple of hours, I talked to my mom on the phone and 2 friends.
I am done.
I am filing for D on Monday.
There is no plan A or B; anyone who could get ready for a date with his girlfriend in front of his wife is broken inside.

I am so sorry that your H is behaving like a complete A**hole.
Talk about cake eating.
He is being such a coward by MAKING YOU want to leave him so he can be free to to blame you for ending the relationship.
My female side is saying change the locks on the door, burn his clothes in a pile on the front lawn.
My rational side is saying breathe, time for Plan B.
If and when he decides to "come back" to you then you can decide if what he is offering in healing is worth the damage he has caused.
I really feel your pain and I hope you know that even though we cant really fix your stich we are here to listen and offer a shoulder when ever you need to cry or vent.

Oh don't I know it. During my Plan A 6 days before my planned beginning to Plan B), my WH cooked dinner, did laundry and had the dishes in the dishwasher. Then he told me how he was going out for the evening. I "Knew" where he was going and with whom. He tried to engage me in an argument. I simply looked into his eyes, touched his arm and said, "I can not accept a marriage where you have a girlfriend, thank you for making dinner." and I walked away. He followed and asked, "what does that mean?" I repeated myself. It was hard. I just want to pack up his stuff and tell him to GTFO. I didn't though because that would not be going towards MY plan that would just be reacting to what HE did and give him the power.

I took my power back. It is harder than you know. The night before Plan B, I was a mess. I was at work and I couldn't go 5 mins without crying. I almost thought I couldn't do it. But I did and I feel better about it.

We will be here for you hun, no matter which way you choose.

He called his lawyer and had the paperwork drawn up, I have been to my lawyer today. Now it is just a number game.
He now drinks at least one large cocktail every night, this is only since the A started. He is not the person I once knew. He is hell bent on dissolving this marriage and being with her.
After what he did on Saturday, I need to be away from the situation. I am getting off the ride. If one day he realizes what he has done and it is not too late...who knows.
All I know right now is 8 weeks ago I thought my life was good. Now it is not. I can't stop crying (Dr. upped my anti D) and I feel as though it were actually possible to die of a broken heart.
I am still in a tail spin over how quickly this has all happened and who this person is. I understand the literature and what Steven H told me...but it feels different to live it.
Like I said before, for now I need to get off the ride and for him that means ending the marriage.
I am still lost.

How bout the vows that he made to you before friends, family and God Almighty?

I'm so sorry Missy.

God's Blessings,

Say

I agree with the vows part, it is almost like he had this fantasy/unrealistic scene built up in their heads regarding how this was going to play out. Once he made the connection to her, he gave up our marriage. I never had a chance and the last several weeks of this back and forth has been guilt on his part.
I feel that he is headed for self destruction. But at this time I choose to not be here to witness it or pick up any pieces.
I still just cannot get over the selfishness of it all and the overwhelming sadness.
But I also know I don't want to live like this and I deserve better.
Still....

MM

Just want to let you know we are here for ya.

I'm so sorry this is unfolding the way it is.

Nesre

I would not go along with any "dissolution". I would file for divorce on grounds of adultery and name the OW.

I would not make ending your marriage quick and easy for him.

You do deserve better than the sadness and selfishness that your WH is offering right now.

Sadness exsits beacuse you feel. Its Ok to mourn for the broken-ness of your heart. Once you can mourn its loss then you can go about healing it.

((((mymissy)))

I would also make sure he understands that if he does not want to be your husband and be a faithful husband, then he doest not get to be "friends" with you after the divorce.

When you file for divorce, see if he can be immediately ordered out of your home.

Mymissy, the strength of Marriage Builders is that you can get to the place you are with dignity, purpose and clarity.

Marriage Builders does NOT mean "marriage at all costs."