So good to see you laugh, Hurt.

God's Blessings,

Say

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Yup

Gack, you are cracking me up!


HBH,

Jennifer told me that when I felt a trigger coming on, I should immediately head to the bathroom so that I could work through it without causing damage to my recovery efforts. I wrote her notes down on an index card and kept it in my bathroom, so that I could talk myself through the triggers.

The point of it all is to teach yourself how to take control of your taker and get your rational mind back in control. When a true trigger happens, there are physiological changes taking place in our bodies that cause us to instinctively go into fight or flight mode. It sounds like you head into fight mode often. My instinct is flight mode. I turn inward, put up my emotional barriers so that he can't hurt me anymore.

Either way, the result is the same. It is an obstacle to the intimacy that we are striving to create once again in our marriages.

So here are the notes. They may sound corny, but when you're out of your mind, you need very simple steps.


Trigger Card

When FWH is open and honest about something that upsets me and I become triggered, I will:

1) Make it safe for him to be honest by saying, �Thank you for being honest.�

2) Run to the bathroom to process the information. The �rush� of adrenaline is my signal.

�Brain is being flooded with chemicals that put me into survival mode (flight or fight).
�Higher brain is turned off and lower (instinct) brain takes over (the taker).
�The Taker says, �I have a right to be angry and hurt. He deserves what I�m saying.�
�Protect him from any lover busters.
�Say something like:

�I need to go to the bathroom and figure this out.�
�Sometimes I get a blast from the past. I need to train myself to stay in the present.�
"I will go for 15-30 minutes to work through this and figure out why I am triggered.�
�I�ll be back with an �I need�� or an �I�d love it if�� statement.
�Plopping these negative feelings on you is not going to help you or me.�
�I am not shutting you out. I am protecting you from my irrational side.�

3) Calm myself down by saying:

��I have a new relationship with FWH based on openness and honesty.�
��He was honest and open with me, meeting my emotional need.�
��He�s going to listen to me and respond with a desire to do what I need.�

4) Determine what is happening RIGHT NOW that is causing me to feel this way.

�Love buster
�Unmet emotional need
�Blast from the past

5) Formulate an �I need�� or �I�d love it if�� statement if it is a love buster or unmet need.

6) Either tell FWH or write down and give to FWH:

��I need��
��I�d love it if��
��I had a blast from the past, and now I am in the present.�

You could also carry an index card in your purse in case you are out somewhere.

As I mentioned earlier, I wasn't so hot at saying "thank you for being honest".

When I'm on the verge of puking, my head is spinning, and I feel like I'm going to faint, "thank you for being honest" just doesn't seem doable.

It takes time to overcome the triggers, and in early recovery, they are so intense that sometimes, you cannot get yourself to respond in the best interest of your marriage.

The hardest part of doing those steps was being willing. Sometimes my taker worked excessively hard to protect my giver. But with practice, I got better at being willing to think through the trigger to regain my sanity.

And the more tst worked his side of recovery and the more he demonstrated his commitment and love for me, the more capable I became at working through my triggers.

You've done good at eliminating many of them. It's great that you were readily willing to ditch so much stuff. It amazes me how many BS's don't want to give up the car, or the furniture, or the house, or the clothing, or whatever. They say they shouldn't HAVE to. OF COURSE they shouldn't. They shouldn't have to deal with infidelity. But they do. And holding on to things that cause hurtful memories, only keeps us triggered.

Thanks for the info SMB...I will start to put it into practice ASAP.

Ok, so....WH assignment tonite from Steve was to understand what the A did to me...apparently he thinks WH lacks empathy...which is what some posters hit on early on in my thread....

So, Steve told WH that he has counseled people who have lost a child and their spouse's A was more difficult to deal with...

WH told me tonite that "if that's true (about A being more devastating than loss of a child), then I don't get it yet"

WH says tonite that he doesnt feel like I'm "trying" because I won't embrace MB concepts....

Ok, I'll bite..."What MB concept(s) are you referring to dear WH?"

WH response "Have you read at all about Plan A and how you are supposed to be treating me?"

My head started spinning around and green s*%t comes out of my mouth...picture Linda Blair in The Exorcist...

My response "yes i've read about Plan A and your GD right that I'm not doing any of that, or Plan B or anything else to get you to see the light"

OK, LBing I know I know I know...

But for God's sake....

The best Plan A that I have in me right now is for him to wake up with the same appendages he went to bed with...

I'm going to have to re-read Plan A...I thought this was the carrot/stick stuff...which I admit I glossed over because there was no "ending the affair"...it ended the day I found out...so I didn't have to play nice and then "go dark"

OH NO HE DIDN'T......

excuse me for a moment.....

HBT,

I KNOW you are reading along so I am going to address this to YOU.....

HBH is NOT in Plan A or in Plan B. Those are tools for ENDING an affair. They are not for YOU to be holding the very person YOU destroyed hostage to your whims. They are NOT meant to be used to for YOU to make this any easier on YOU.

YOU are in RECOVERY, which is so very different from PLan A and B.

YOU need to concentrate on the assignments that Steve gave you, NOT on what ENs of YOURS that are or are not being met....

At this point YOU are damn lucky HBH has not thrown your [censored] out. YOU are damn lucky that she is even WILLING to try recovery......

And if you even think for one moment that this isn't as bad as losing a child or rape, well then YOU are damn lucky you haven't experienced those......

I can tell you from personal experiance that having a child molested, put on a stand in court in front of that monster and hearing all of the gory details of what he did to her, not to mention how he RAPED and SODOMIZED his stepdaughter was not nearly as bad as my husbands affair..... and I nearly had a nervous break down from that....

BUSTER you better get your chit together or the only PLAN you will be getting will be Plan FU......

{{{{{HBH}}}}}}}

I am sorry that you had to hear such stupid drivel....... Nothing like a WAYWARD using the tools to help your marriage heal used against you.....

Not2fun

That one belongs in the WS Hall of Shame. Really.

Any (F)WS who would say that to his BS is still in 100% arrogant selfish wayward mode and hasn't got the slightest clue of what they've done and what they stand to lose.

Again - this man thinks that his mere presence is enough and that this marriage is his to keep or throw away. He has NO idea what he is risking, and probably won't until it's gone.

Which it may well be the way he's going. I don't think anything else will give him a ticket for the Clue Bus.

The back and forth of this is really enough to break me...

I thought the last few days he was sincere in his efforts...but based on what he said tonite, I think he was just "going along" to see if Steve could help me "get over it"...

I want to run away...

Don't give up yet. Very often, a WS has to hit bottom before he figures things out. Your only job will be to LET him hit bottom and hit it hard. All you'll have to do is stay out of his way.

This is very much like dealing with a drug addict (and the Harleys will tell you that.) Addicts care nothing for who they hurt. They have zero empathy. They care only about themselves and their next fix. You can't talk them into, or out of, anything.

Sound familiar?

And the only way an addict ever "wakes up" - if they do - is when they hit bottom and realize what they're losing.

So let him hit. This is something he's got to figure out on his own. And if he doesn't, then you and your children will go on to make a life without him - no doubt with a new man who will love you and will value you.

Just let him hit. You won't have to do a thing.

Well, sure he is. The crack addict is still hoping he can somehow go back to his crack. See my post above. Please don't give up yet. In some ways, this is about to get a whole lot easier.

Thanks Mulan I'm not giving up...at least he's here.

AND he just apologized for the "Plan A" comment...he said he's just frustrated and is having a hard time dealing with everything.

Well, it ain't no pinic on my side of the fence...

LOL - my FWW made a similar comment to me early on in our recovery. What others here have told you is correct - Plans A and B are not "recovery" plans, but plans to end active As.

Your WS is not unique in his ability to cherry-pick from MB concepts those activities which are of benefit to him only. They're in "me-me" mode.

hbh,

Is BaT still reading his thread? I can paste some links and posts to his thread or put them on yours if you want to print them and give them to him...they may help him with some empathy. Let me know.

raven,

he still reads his thread...just won't post anymore???

If you wouldn't mind, please post to his thread...that way it wont come from me. Steve said yesterday that BaT won't get "it" if it comes from me.

The funny thing is, yesterday, BaT even said something like "if your pain is anything close to [pain from death of a child--Steve's example to him] then I don't get it". It was almost like he can't imagine my pain from his A to be that bad, so he is really struggling with the whole empathy thing.

Will do hbh. How are you feeling this morning?

HBH, Steve is right. We are counseling with him as well and he has told me that I need to look at him (Steve) as our guide and my husband as my teammate. The team member can not lead the other team member. They need the guide.

Steve is great in this role. He instinctively grasps how to relate to each individual in the best way possible...what motivates each individual and how to speak to them.

Not a good morning for me because I got so upset last nite I can't take the back and forth from WH.

It feels like WH is here and trying to work on M because its the "right thing to do" and not what he "wants to do". So as long as he's thinking about every word that comes out of his mouth, we're ok...but if he lets his guard down--we are right back to square one.

Everything is just so sterile and planned....its not hard to tell the difference between the affection from someone who WANTS to give you affection and the affection from someone who thinks they HAVE to give you affection...

Blah Blah Blah...I've got AD's now due to a prior posters suggestion...haven't started taking them, but I guess I need to...